So tonight will be my second weigh in. I wonder how many new comers to weight watchers show up for their first weigh in after joining and have gained?! I bet not many. Usually you are gung ho on a diet for at least a week! The gain starts when you start not to see the results in as fast a manner as you wanted. I'm the expert here.
Of course I doubt many new comers to WW go to Julian for the day and have hard cider, wine tasting and mom's pies! NO?! In fact I am willing to bet that most don't get anywhere NEAR Julian. Opportunity was there but my optifast counselor's voice was there too saying "just because you bought the rope doesn't mean you have to hang yourself with it." But I took that rope and made a nice secure knot! I'm over it though. I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I did it and now I need to get back on the bike and move on...or stay still in my case with my bike.
I am trying something new with my "mindful eating". 1. Take a bite, put the fork down, put my hand on my lap and chew until it's goo. WAIT! Count 1 one thousand 2 one thousand 3 one thousand...sip water. Pick up fork. I don't pick up the fork until all the food is out of my mouth. I'm leaving one bite of everything. I have this hard fast rule that I have to finish my plate (thanks Dad! Ya I know about the starving kids!) I'm starting with a bite of each item, but my hope is to move on to leave more bites of the high calorie goodness behind if I am full of the low calorie stuff. Being mindful to get enough protein in. :o)
So hopes aren't high for tonight, but I'm going which is big! I could easily talk my way out of getting weighed today!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
So tonight is my "weigh in"
I'm not giving it much "weight" because I was just weighed on Sunday and your weight fluctuates with water and muscle building yada yada yada. So if there is a loss...cool. If its the same...okay. If there's a gain...good to know I need to get on the bike more!
I was thinking of my mom today. I think of her everyday, but today there was something specific that got into my head and I have to say it was brilliant! So my mom had trouble cleaning as she went. The house was messy, dusty, not swept nor mopped. Every once in a while I would go over and just giver her house an enema. To be honest it truly needed it! It was just dirty. It was such an ordeal that on such occasions we would find ourselves in major projects...we'd rip out the carpet and put tile. Paint the walls because the opportunity to clean them had come and gone! Reface the cabinets in the kitchen because painting them with that much grease piled just wasn't an option and there just isn't enough TSP for that. When my mom passed I was cleaning out her closets and cupboards and I managed to put together two big plastic totes of cleaning solutions and chemicals from the store, the fair, as seen on TV and probably a door to door salesman or two. Mom had it ALL. A steam mop, a broom made of rubber that was "a magnet to pet hair", swiffer broom, mop and duster and duster extension for those spots you just can't reach. Most of this stuff was brand new never been used still in the package. I said to my sister "I think mom got this stuff thinking that it would magically come out of the closet at night and make the house clean." My thought...she had good intentions. She bought the stuff and subscribed to the concept she would clean her house...the only part missing was her doing it. Just cause you buy the stuff doesn't make it so...there is a key component in there. We have students at my college. They pay for their classes, buy all the books and school supplies. Then they barely come to class and they don't do their homework. They get put on academic probation. They again pay for the classes, buy the books, the school supplies...even pay a tutor this time, the intent is there, or is it? They again don't do the homework and rarely come to class. They get barred from enrolling for a year. One year later, money in hand they pay for their classes. It is as if they come to the college, pay for the class and books they think they will magically learn and earn a degree. The only thing missing...them doing it.
For me it's diets. I've done curves, weight watchers (2), optifast (2), medifast, the zone, GI diet, carb-lovers, atkins, cambridge, herbalife and probably many more. My mom actually sold herbalife! She never lost an ounce on it but I think that is because she was like me. If I buy the diet, subscribe to the thinking it will magically be so. I will sit over here eating my loaf of bread watching the fat just fall from my body...but wait! Why am I not losing weight...why am I gaining weight? Why can't I maintain the weight? Today I realized I depend too much on "the product" Optifast forced that product...there is no passive way to do Optifast! There is a passive way to "maintain" it and if you are passive you surely will not maintain. The product you are left with after Optifast is you...period. There is no other thing...no other diet. I am in control of whether I weigh 150, 160, 170 or more pounds. Weight Watchers doesn't do that and it doesn't work. I work. How I can use those other diets are as tools...like cleaning supplies. Which one will work best for the job? If none...I'll have to go it alone with good old elbow grease. Weight Watchers is the closest thing to normal there is. Balanced, normal food not at bunch of carbs, not no carbs, not weird calculations of sugar levels and how fast your body burns it, not four green bananas a day, not powder shakes for lunch and breakfast and are you kidding me who can have a sensible dinner after starving myself all day!? Not building a design on my plate with measured food types only a physicist would understand. What you do on Weight Watchers you decide. I have lately chosen to eat lots of vegetables to the point I was taking pills to avoid gas! Um, nib, why not just not eat so many vegetables you big nut! Because I think I'm starving and vegetables in this "product" don't count...I can eat as many I want (not a good thing to tell a food addict ever). I think I need MORE. If I want to work out so I can eat more I will, but it would be dumb to work myself so much it hurts just so I can eat until...it hurts.
On Weight Watchers I can chose to do that, its not encouraged and it would not be wise. I'm getting it. It's taking a while, but I'm getting it. What I'm learning is that all food should be treated in moderation, some foods more than ever. For me there should never be a "forbidden food" I will rebel against myself to have it. I should remember moderation though and in my case avoid some foods for only special occasions. Kinda like funnel cake at the fair...when the fair leaves the funnel cake goes with it and I can have it again next year...Unless I find myself across from the log ride at Knotts Berry Farm!
I was thinking of my mom today. I think of her everyday, but today there was something specific that got into my head and I have to say it was brilliant! So my mom had trouble cleaning as she went. The house was messy, dusty, not swept nor mopped. Every once in a while I would go over and just giver her house an enema. To be honest it truly needed it! It was just dirty. It was such an ordeal that on such occasions we would find ourselves in major projects...we'd rip out the carpet and put tile. Paint the walls because the opportunity to clean them had come and gone! Reface the cabinets in the kitchen because painting them with that much grease piled just wasn't an option and there just isn't enough TSP for that. When my mom passed I was cleaning out her closets and cupboards and I managed to put together two big plastic totes of cleaning solutions and chemicals from the store, the fair, as seen on TV and probably a door to door salesman or two. Mom had it ALL. A steam mop, a broom made of rubber that was "a magnet to pet hair", swiffer broom, mop and duster and duster extension for those spots you just can't reach. Most of this stuff was brand new never been used still in the package. I said to my sister "I think mom got this stuff thinking that it would magically come out of the closet at night and make the house clean." My thought...she had good intentions. She bought the stuff and subscribed to the concept she would clean her house...the only part missing was her doing it. Just cause you buy the stuff doesn't make it so...there is a key component in there. We have students at my college. They pay for their classes, buy all the books and school supplies. Then they barely come to class and they don't do their homework. They get put on academic probation. They again pay for the classes, buy the books, the school supplies...even pay a tutor this time, the intent is there, or is it? They again don't do the homework and rarely come to class. They get barred from enrolling for a year. One year later, money in hand they pay for their classes. It is as if they come to the college, pay for the class and books they think they will magically learn and earn a degree. The only thing missing...them doing it.
For me it's diets. I've done curves, weight watchers (2), optifast (2), medifast, the zone, GI diet, carb-lovers, atkins, cambridge, herbalife and probably many more. My mom actually sold herbalife! She never lost an ounce on it but I think that is because she was like me. If I buy the diet, subscribe to the thinking it will magically be so. I will sit over here eating my loaf of bread watching the fat just fall from my body...but wait! Why am I not losing weight...why am I gaining weight? Why can't I maintain the weight? Today I realized I depend too much on "the product" Optifast forced that product...there is no passive way to do Optifast! There is a passive way to "maintain" it and if you are passive you surely will not maintain. The product you are left with after Optifast is you...period. There is no other thing...no other diet. I am in control of whether I weigh 150, 160, 170 or more pounds. Weight Watchers doesn't do that and it doesn't work. I work. How I can use those other diets are as tools...like cleaning supplies. Which one will work best for the job? If none...I'll have to go it alone with good old elbow grease. Weight Watchers is the closest thing to normal there is. Balanced, normal food not at bunch of carbs, not no carbs, not weird calculations of sugar levels and how fast your body burns it, not four green bananas a day, not powder shakes for lunch and breakfast and are you kidding me who can have a sensible dinner after starving myself all day!? Not building a design on my plate with measured food types only a physicist would understand. What you do on Weight Watchers you decide. I have lately chosen to eat lots of vegetables to the point I was taking pills to avoid gas! Um, nib, why not just not eat so many vegetables you big nut! Because I think I'm starving and vegetables in this "product" don't count...I can eat as many I want (not a good thing to tell a food addict ever). I think I need MORE. If I want to work out so I can eat more I will, but it would be dumb to work myself so much it hurts just so I can eat until...it hurts.
On Weight Watchers I can chose to do that, its not encouraged and it would not be wise. I'm getting it. It's taking a while, but I'm getting it. What I'm learning is that all food should be treated in moderation, some foods more than ever. For me there should never be a "forbidden food" I will rebel against myself to have it. I should remember moderation though and in my case avoid some foods for only special occasions. Kinda like funnel cake at the fair...when the fair leaves the funnel cake goes with it and I can have it again next year...Unless I find myself across from the log ride at Knotts Berry Farm!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Gas X works...just saying!
So weight watchers basically has a point system for every food item. Fruits and veg are 0. Happy dance! I eats lots of fruits and veg. Yesterday I'm not sure which veg or fruit was the culprit...perhaps a mixture of all, but by the end of the day I had a bad belly ache and GAS! Gas so bad (to quote my mom) it could gag a maggot!
Today before my salad I decided to have a gas x during lunch. Better! No gas so far. I like.
So last night I went to my "muscle up" class at my gym. I want to get guns now that you can actually see my arm muscles without all the fat! I also rode my stationary bike yesterday 10 miles and 11 miles last night. I'm making friends with the bike. We have a date tonight after dinner. My farmville is suffering, but oh well. Priorities. Because I am building weight watcher activity points it equals more food. Food high in points that I normally would not be able to eat. We are planning to go to Julian this weekend and I want PIE! And Julian Hard Cider! This whole concept has kept the cranky child happy, the mediator happy and the overbearing parent gets hypnotized every night! :o)
Things are good. I'm calm. The scale is not really moving. Naked I weighed a pound less today at 158.4. At weight watchers they said I was 165.4. She whispered it to me. I kind of smirked thinking Lady I was 216 pounds...we can yell that number from a roof top and I'm good!
Today before my salad I decided to have a gas x during lunch. Better! No gas so far. I like.
So last night I went to my "muscle up" class at my gym. I want to get guns now that you can actually see my arm muscles without all the fat! I also rode my stationary bike yesterday 10 miles and 11 miles last night. I'm making friends with the bike. We have a date tonight after dinner. My farmville is suffering, but oh well. Priorities. Because I am building weight watcher activity points it equals more food. Food high in points that I normally would not be able to eat. We are planning to go to Julian this weekend and I want PIE! And Julian Hard Cider! This whole concept has kept the cranky child happy, the mediator happy and the overbearing parent gets hypnotized every night! :o)
Things are good. I'm calm. The scale is not really moving. Naked I weighed a pound less today at 158.4. At weight watchers they said I was 165.4. She whispered it to me. I kind of smirked thinking Lady I was 216 pounds...we can yell that number from a roof top and I'm good!
Monday, December 12, 2011
Aunt Flow is coming...How ironic
So I have an app. It's called a period tracker. It tells me when my period is about to start and I record how heavy it is, moods, symptoms, spotting...the works. Yesterday as I was walking to my car my phone alerted me in a text message that "Aunt Flow is coming" I out loud replied YA, Whatever! A lady turned around and looked at me. The same app has on the front page : your period is 25 days late! "Have you had a pregnancy test?" I'm about to delete this app. Who needs that!?
I'm at peace right now, but there are too many variables as to why...It could be:
1. I've started Weight Watchers (my program said that pretty much what I am eating is very "weight watcheresq" so I thought what the hell I'll try it again but this time instead of going alone with the online I'll go to the meetings...I like the food tracking app and I actually went to a meeting...its next to my pub! As I walked in I thought what kind of sick cruel joke is this shit!?! God hates me! As I left I ran into some friends from the pub (of course) They said "You go here?!" I said I just started! They said "You look great! We go on Wednesday nights here...you should come! A bunch of us from the pub go and then use our free points to have a Guinness after!" I need to make sure I have some free points! God does loves me!
2. I Bought an audio book. Its the cheesiest most outdated thing EVER, but I swear it works!!! I don't know why I'm attracted to 70's-80's exercise weight loss stuff but I am. So this audio book is called Slim Forever for Women: Subliminal Self Help by Audio Activation Side A (that tells you right there that this thing came originally from a cassette or worse a record!) Side A is hypnosis. You go into a deep meditative state (they recommend you do this before bed and never whilst driving). Side B is the subliminal part. I play the whole thing every night when we go to bed and I play the subliminal part while putting make up on and driving. We (because John has to listen to it too since he shares the bed with me) wake each morning rested and energized regardless of how late we went to bed and what drunken state he went to sleep as! That alone makes it worth it, but I have a calm toward food and eating that I wasn't experiencing last week. I like!
3. I'm listening to my voices in my head and either I'm crazy or I have designated a ring leader! So there are 3 voices in my head. The cranky spoiled child, the overbearing parent and the mediator (who I may have designated the ring leader). The cranky kid sees food (chocolate, hot cheetos) and says I want that and I've waited long enough for it. I won't be happy with a taste I want the whole thing and even then I may want to go get MORE! I won't wait for it I want it now! Overbearing Parent says No period. No chocolate, no hot cheetos, not now, not in a few days not if I work out, not if I lose 10 pounds and am under goal. That's fine keep it that way no goodies...SUFFA POPE! Mediator says you can have 1 serving if you have the calories left at the end of the day or you plan to work out for it. What ends up happening is the cranky child talks the mediator into more than 1 serving the overbearing parent checks out completely and the kid goes nuts. The mediator throws hands up and sits frustrated watching the mess unfold. Lately the mediator is so fed up with the cross talk between the parent and the child that it just wants meds...which leads me to #4.
4. I have an appointment with a counselor who I have already requested refer me to a psychiatrist. I was on Prozac before. I think I need it or it's equivalent again. There is a thing with me and I'm not sure if its the chicken or the egg but I have some unresolved junk. With my weight up I focus on how fat I am and I'm "protected" by that fat" So then I'm okay (I'm distracted by my body image and I don't think about the thing my brain won't let me think about)...anything under 160 pounds triggers some kind of anxiety in me, because I can't focus on the body image anymore and my mind goes to that thing that my brain won't let me think about. I have no idea what that thing is because my brain has never let me think about it. There are a plethora of things it could be I didn't have the most healthy child hood. That is when I think 2 things need to happen. 1. I need to talk to a therapist or perhaps get hypnotized and see what the underlying issue is either way there is an issue and my brain doesn't want me to deal with it...EVER. 2. I need to get on anti-anxiety meds. The anxiety runs me. I can't think about anything...I can't focus and I can't control myself (shopping, eating, talking...shit if I lived near a casino or smoked we would have to put that in for sure too!) The last time I was on prozac it allowed me to actually talk about my eating disorder. We never delved into what happened before then. I was certain it was my unhappy marriage, but looking back it was more. Now I have an amazing relationship with an amazing husband...I'm happy...I honestly don't think I can be more happy even on days that we don't get along...I'm still happy with what a great relationship we have...so why is the eating stuff coming up again? What is it?
I think just knowing I have the appointment (Happy Mediator), knowing I have a plan that is not too restricting (Happy Cranky Child), and I'm meditating and subliminally calming myself (Unbeknownst to Overbearing Parent) I have found some kind of peace...for now.
I'm at peace right now, but there are too many variables as to why...It could be:
1. I've started Weight Watchers (my program said that pretty much what I am eating is very "weight watcheresq" so I thought what the hell I'll try it again but this time instead of going alone with the online I'll go to the meetings...I like the food tracking app and I actually went to a meeting...its next to my pub! As I walked in I thought what kind of sick cruel joke is this shit!?! God hates me! As I left I ran into some friends from the pub (of course) They said "You go here?!" I said I just started! They said "You look great! We go on Wednesday nights here...you should come! A bunch of us from the pub go and then use our free points to have a Guinness after!" I need to make sure I have some free points! God does loves me!
2. I Bought an audio book. Its the cheesiest most outdated thing EVER, but I swear it works!!! I don't know why I'm attracted to 70's-80's exercise weight loss stuff but I am. So this audio book is called Slim Forever for Women: Subliminal Self Help by Audio Activation Side A (that tells you right there that this thing came originally from a cassette or worse a record!) Side A is hypnosis. You go into a deep meditative state (they recommend you do this before bed and never whilst driving). Side B is the subliminal part. I play the whole thing every night when we go to bed and I play the subliminal part while putting make up on and driving. We (because John has to listen to it too since he shares the bed with me) wake each morning rested and energized regardless of how late we went to bed and what drunken state he went to sleep as! That alone makes it worth it, but I have a calm toward food and eating that I wasn't experiencing last week. I like!
3. I'm listening to my voices in my head and either I'm crazy or I have designated a ring leader! So there are 3 voices in my head. The cranky spoiled child, the overbearing parent and the mediator (who I may have designated the ring leader). The cranky kid sees food (chocolate, hot cheetos) and says I want that and I've waited long enough for it. I won't be happy with a taste I want the whole thing and even then I may want to go get MORE! I won't wait for it I want it now! Overbearing Parent says No period. No chocolate, no hot cheetos, not now, not in a few days not if I work out, not if I lose 10 pounds and am under goal. That's fine keep it that way no goodies...SUFFA POPE! Mediator says you can have 1 serving if you have the calories left at the end of the day or you plan to work out for it. What ends up happening is the cranky child talks the mediator into more than 1 serving the overbearing parent checks out completely and the kid goes nuts. The mediator throws hands up and sits frustrated watching the mess unfold. Lately the mediator is so fed up with the cross talk between the parent and the child that it just wants meds...which leads me to #4.
4. I have an appointment with a counselor who I have already requested refer me to a psychiatrist. I was on Prozac before. I think I need it or it's equivalent again. There is a thing with me and I'm not sure if its the chicken or the egg but I have some unresolved junk. With my weight up I focus on how fat I am and I'm "protected" by that fat" So then I'm okay (I'm distracted by my body image and I don't think about the thing my brain won't let me think about)...anything under 160 pounds triggers some kind of anxiety in me, because I can't focus on the body image anymore and my mind goes to that thing that my brain won't let me think about. I have no idea what that thing is because my brain has never let me think about it. There are a plethora of things it could be I didn't have the most healthy child hood. That is when I think 2 things need to happen. 1. I need to talk to a therapist or perhaps get hypnotized and see what the underlying issue is either way there is an issue and my brain doesn't want me to deal with it...EVER. 2. I need to get on anti-anxiety meds. The anxiety runs me. I can't think about anything...I can't focus and I can't control myself (shopping, eating, talking...shit if I lived near a casino or smoked we would have to put that in for sure too!) The last time I was on prozac it allowed me to actually talk about my eating disorder. We never delved into what happened before then. I was certain it was my unhappy marriage, but looking back it was more. Now I have an amazing relationship with an amazing husband...I'm happy...I honestly don't think I can be more happy even on days that we don't get along...I'm still happy with what a great relationship we have...so why is the eating stuff coming up again? What is it?
I think just knowing I have the appointment (Happy Mediator), knowing I have a plan that is not too restricting (Happy Cranky Child), and I'm meditating and subliminally calming myself (Unbeknownst to Overbearing Parent) I have found some kind of peace...for now.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Anxiety bites!
So I was a ball of nerves yesterday. I've been snacking and binging since before Thanksgiving. It seemed as though not only could I not get back on the wagon but I had built my own new wagon and I was now refusing to sit on it!!! Then I worked out on Monday, binged on Tuesday, worked out Wednesday and wanted to binge on Thursday. The only thing stopping me was the knowledge I was going to weigh in and oh what a mess that would be. Why was I binging?! It snapped actually this morning. I truly think I'm hungry! I work out and I'm fatigued and sore...I'm misplacing that feeling for hunger! I'm not hungry. I still have the ED (code for eating disorder) there is hunger that you feed within reason and there is binge eating. I do the latter. I eat so fast my nose runs and I do it when I'm alone, and it's a lot of food that I can't control myself with. That's a binge.
I was so freaked about the weigh in that I wanted to just numb myself with something sweet or salty or cakey or whatever! I nearly threw up as I was walking into the clinic. I ate within my caloric restrictions and I didn't go off plan yesterday but I had to meditate and self talk all day!! ALL DAY! I got on the scale and I had gained 8 pounds. Relief! I was only 5 pounds from my goal of 160 on their scale. I was certain I had gained 15 pounds! I went in to talk to the PA. "I haven't had a period, its 2 weeks late! I'm binging. I gained weight!" Here is how the convo went:
PA: That's odd. You are eating now. Your period stopped when you began to eat?! It seems it would have stopped during the fast. Are you sure you are not pregnant? Why don't I schedule you a pregnancy test?
Me: I am not pregnant. I KNOW I am not pregnant and I'm overeating in an effort to get back to some kind of normalcy!
PA: Well that won't work. Your body is on a cycle and your cycle came and went. It was supposed to be here 14 days ago, opportunity missed. Santa Flow won't visit for another 14 days and may or may not stop by regardless of how many cookies you have...so stop eating the cookies!
Me: I didn't know that! I thought my period stopped because I lost weight...if I gain weight it will start.
PA: No its not that simple, but it is simple as a cycle is a cycle. If I put you on birth control tonight to induce a period. 1. I'd introduce a bunch of chemicals into your body you may not need (you could start your menses next month) 2. Birth control is a hormone and it usually causes weight gain, which would be counter productive for you. 3. Lastly, you would take your pills for 21 days then stop and a period would come, throwing your natural cycle off by 14 more days!
Me: I get it!
So we decided to discuss it again in 2 weeks. I agreed to calm down. I swear I think I need prozac or some other anti anxiety drug!
I'm doing great today no cravings, no hunger. My muscles are sore and fatigued but I know that is not hunger. Hubby 's Christmas party is tomorrow. UG! I can do this... I CAN DO THIS!
I was so freaked about the weigh in that I wanted to just numb myself with something sweet or salty or cakey or whatever! I nearly threw up as I was walking into the clinic. I ate within my caloric restrictions and I didn't go off plan yesterday but I had to meditate and self talk all day!! ALL DAY! I got on the scale and I had gained 8 pounds. Relief! I was only 5 pounds from my goal of 160 on their scale. I was certain I had gained 15 pounds! I went in to talk to the PA. "I haven't had a period, its 2 weeks late! I'm binging. I gained weight!" Here is how the convo went:
PA: That's odd. You are eating now. Your period stopped when you began to eat?! It seems it would have stopped during the fast. Are you sure you are not pregnant? Why don't I schedule you a pregnancy test?
Me: I am not pregnant. I KNOW I am not pregnant and I'm overeating in an effort to get back to some kind of normalcy!
PA: Well that won't work. Your body is on a cycle and your cycle came and went. It was supposed to be here 14 days ago, opportunity missed. Santa Flow won't visit for another 14 days and may or may not stop by regardless of how many cookies you have...so stop eating the cookies!
Me: I didn't know that! I thought my period stopped because I lost weight...if I gain weight it will start.
PA: No its not that simple, but it is simple as a cycle is a cycle. If I put you on birth control tonight to induce a period. 1. I'd introduce a bunch of chemicals into your body you may not need (you could start your menses next month) 2. Birth control is a hormone and it usually causes weight gain, which would be counter productive for you. 3. Lastly, you would take your pills for 21 days then stop and a period would come, throwing your natural cycle off by 14 more days!
Me: I get it!
So we decided to discuss it again in 2 weeks. I agreed to calm down. I swear I think I need prozac or some other anti anxiety drug!
I'm doing great today no cravings, no hunger. My muscles are sore and fatigued but I know that is not hunger. Hubby 's Christmas party is tomorrow. UG! I can do this... I CAN DO THIS!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
It's coming I can feel it.
So I haven't had my period. It's a week late. I'm not pregnant I KNOW that, but I'm still freaked. I don't feel right when I don't have one. It's caused quite a bit of anxiety. So Friday as you know I binged. I had a planned kahlua and coffee and then just LOST it. Popcorn, bread it was a bad scene.
Last night I was home with youngest son ...he is in his room and all I can think about is eating everything in my pantry! I had a piece of choco peanut butter low carb which was within my calorie limit, but after that I was so anxious I thought I would explode! It took all my will not to eat like a nut!
Today I called the psych department and made and appointment with my eating disorder counselor. Soonest appointment is January 18th, but that's okay. I need to work this binge need thing out. I won't binge and purge. I won't let myself purge anymore. I'm going to talk to the program on Thursday and let them know the binge issue and tell them that I'm going into counseling right after I'm off shakes completely but before maintenance. The timing is just luck.
The great thing is this time I have Hubby and you. I had no support last time and I had to quit the program. I feel really good about this. I didn't plan to have this binge urge thing when it was done, but I'm seeing it...I'm catching it and I'm going to try to do something about it.
So that's where I am. How are you?!
Last night I was home with youngest son ...he is in his room and all I can think about is eating everything in my pantry! I had a piece of choco peanut butter low carb which was within my calorie limit, but after that I was so anxious I thought I would explode! It took all my will not to eat like a nut!
Today I called the psych department and made and appointment with my eating disorder counselor. Soonest appointment is January 18th, but that's okay. I need to work this binge need thing out. I won't binge and purge. I won't let myself purge anymore. I'm going to talk to the program on Thursday and let them know the binge issue and tell them that I'm going into counseling right after I'm off shakes completely but before maintenance. The timing is just luck.
The great thing is this time I have Hubby and you. I had no support last time and I had to quit the program. I feel really good about this. I didn't plan to have this binge urge thing when it was done, but I'm seeing it...I'm catching it and I'm going to try to do something about it.
So that's where I am. How are you?!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
And then there was the need for chocolate
Not some chocolate water, but real chocolate that I can chew! Auntie Flow should be arriving tomorrow or the next day according to my period tracker app and my what GOD I hope is water retention. I went from 148 to 150 in the last few days.
I'm craving chocolate peanut butter like a mad woman. I found some low carb PB cups on a website. "Like!" I had one last night...so good.
Since I'm no longer fasting I don't think I need to log the days anymore.
I started today with 1 slice of cinnamon raisin 1 carb bread from julian bakery. Very nice toasted. I had 6oz of carrot cake yogurt by carb masters (4 carbs). I'm full. I haven't had a shake yet...normally I would be 2 in by now. This could be a very nice thing! I keep telling myself that even if I weigh more this week...I'm below 700 calories everyday...I exercise and I'm not hungry so at some point my body will give up and work with me and either start losing again or maintain, but gaining weight when eating less than 1000 per day is not normal and I can't imagine it being continuous.
You warned me and I listened but I fell in it too...shopping has also become my hobby. When I get the urge yes I grab my book and go read in a quiet place or I do sit ups or I walk or I just sit and rock like a crazy person. I do the same when I'm craving food. I have not resorted to screaming into my pillow but that day will come I am sure! Quilting is to much of a relaxing thing to do when I'm in my crazy must have moment and I would for sure fuck up whatever it was I was sewing or stitching.
So that is where I am today. :o) Welcome to my madness.
I'm craving chocolate peanut butter like a mad woman. I found some low carb PB cups on a website. "Like!" I had one last night...so good.
Since I'm no longer fasting I don't think I need to log the days anymore.
I started today with 1 slice of cinnamon raisin 1 carb bread from julian bakery. Very nice toasted. I had 6oz of carrot cake yogurt by carb masters (4 carbs). I'm full. I haven't had a shake yet...normally I would be 2 in by now. This could be a very nice thing! I keep telling myself that even if I weigh more this week...I'm below 700 calories everyday...I exercise and I'm not hungry so at some point my body will give up and work with me and either start losing again or maintain, but gaining weight when eating less than 1000 per day is not normal and I can't imagine it being continuous.
You warned me and I listened but I fell in it too...shopping has also become my hobby. When I get the urge yes I grab my book and go read in a quiet place or I do sit ups or I walk or I just sit and rock like a crazy person. I do the same when I'm craving food. I have not resorted to screaming into my pillow but that day will come I am sure! Quilting is to much of a relaxing thing to do when I'm in my crazy must have moment and I would for sure fuck up whatever it was I was sewing or stitching.
So that is where I am today. :o) Welcome to my madness.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Day 141, start of week 23
Okay so I lost 1 pound at weigh in. THAT is okay! I was really worried that with the food intro I would gain! When I got on the scale naked this morning 148.8. My counselor said "Pick a scale" I like what my scale says in the morning so I pick that one (Picachu I choose YOU!)
I think the texting thing is going to be AWESOME! If nothing else it will bring us even closer together (as if that could happen, but I already feel closer to you just from sharing this blog with you and now the texts)
Yesterday was such a bizarre day. I felt almost manic! I got to the class knowing I needed to see the P.A about the potassium, the nutritionist about the bread/milk thing and that I needed to do blood work. Top that with "oh my GOD what will I weigh now that I broke the seal?". I get to the program and check in, get on the scale...1 pound loss (disappointed, but not really did I expect to lose 5 pounds and eat?!) I do my blood work and then go to the room where the dietician is. There is a lady in there and I start to tell her my concern..she says the dietician isn't here after 5:30 (its 5:45) but she can help me and takes me to her office. I sound like a nut I am sure. I tell her my food addiction stuff, what I am abstaining from. She says you know just do yogurt and for the bread you can have corn tortilla, potatoes...I shake my head...really that is too many carbs. Her eyes narrow and she says you know what would help you? Steven's food addiction class (I was contemplating his class before I decided to re-up for the 20 weeks) I said okay. She tells me that this week would be the last week to be able to sign up so that was serendipitous...now go tell Sherri tonight tonight will be your last night in her class. There is a weight in my stomach as soon as that last line leaves her mouth. Mouse like I say okay and head to class. When Sherri comes in I talk to her. I tell her what was said, my concerns and she says "Nib, I know you. This is not about the food addiction stuff...this is your anxiety stuff. You are afraid of food, of losing control. You are afraid if you eat the carbs you'll lose control. Take what you have learned in the class and put it to work. If you want to leave this class I won't stop you, but I would recommend you sleep on it." As soon as she said that I knew. This is NOT about my carb stuff. I am afraid to eat bread and milk...I know that with veg and meat I can sneak a little more than they say (I hadn't until last night) and it would not effect anything because of the chemical stuff going on with the ketosis, but milk and bread throw me out of ketosis and I can't sneak large quantities...calories count! Steven's class loops every 8 weeks. If I really want to go to that class I can go after I get my shit together in Sherri's class. She's right.
So. I am still going to low carb it...not because I want to eat whatever I want but because I just feel better, but I'm going to stick with the program and follow the guidelines...if that means I'm out of ketosis then ok. I am going to stay in Sherri's class. When I came home and talked to Hubby he said this is a no brainer. Sherri knows you...she's got your number!
So what the hell happened last night!? Youngest son wanted to get a midnight release of a game. We were all tired (only son had a nap) and I had a very draining day. Hubby took son to get the game at 11:45pm. I found myself alone. At first all was fine. I did my farmville, but when I had nothing left to plant I suddenly found myself in front of the refrigerator with a bag of grilled chicken in my hand! I ate it! Thinking oh no! I have to text beans now...the FIRST NIGHT and she hasn't even agreed to do it! WTF?! Then I was a crazy woman...what else can I have? There they were in the back of the fridge and I saw the 0. Pickles have 0 calories! This could be dangerous. I ate one. It didn't even taste that good but I still continued to eat it with a fork and knife. Half the pickle gone and I stopped. This is stupid. I'm not hungry...I'm tired, I'm cold, I'm alone...I'M ALONE! That is what this is about. I put the other half of the pickle in the jar picked up my iPad and layed down to read a book. Calm under my electric blanket. Hubby came home and to bed we went. I really need to work through this alone shit some more!
I think the texting thing is going to be AWESOME! If nothing else it will bring us even closer together (as if that could happen, but I already feel closer to you just from sharing this blog with you and now the texts)
Yesterday was such a bizarre day. I felt almost manic! I got to the class knowing I needed to see the P.A about the potassium, the nutritionist about the bread/milk thing and that I needed to do blood work. Top that with "oh my GOD what will I weigh now that I broke the seal?". I get to the program and check in, get on the scale...1 pound loss (disappointed, but not really did I expect to lose 5 pounds and eat?!) I do my blood work and then go to the room where the dietician is. There is a lady in there and I start to tell her my concern..she says the dietician isn't here after 5:30 (its 5:45) but she can help me and takes me to her office. I sound like a nut I am sure. I tell her my food addiction stuff, what I am abstaining from. She says you know just do yogurt and for the bread you can have corn tortilla, potatoes...I shake my head...really that is too many carbs. Her eyes narrow and she says you know what would help you? Steven's food addiction class (I was contemplating his class before I decided to re-up for the 20 weeks) I said okay. She tells me that this week would be the last week to be able to sign up so that was serendipitous...now go tell Sherri tonight tonight will be your last night in her class. There is a weight in my stomach as soon as that last line leaves her mouth. Mouse like I say okay and head to class. When Sherri comes in I talk to her. I tell her what was said, my concerns and she says "Nib, I know you. This is not about the food addiction stuff...this is your anxiety stuff. You are afraid of food, of losing control. You are afraid if you eat the carbs you'll lose control. Take what you have learned in the class and put it to work. If you want to leave this class I won't stop you, but I would recommend you sleep on it." As soon as she said that I knew. This is NOT about my carb stuff. I am afraid to eat bread and milk...I know that with veg and meat I can sneak a little more than they say (I hadn't until last night) and it would not effect anything because of the chemical stuff going on with the ketosis, but milk and bread throw me out of ketosis and I can't sneak large quantities...calories count! Steven's class loops every 8 weeks. If I really want to go to that class I can go after I get my shit together in Sherri's class. She's right.
So. I am still going to low carb it...not because I want to eat whatever I want but because I just feel better, but I'm going to stick with the program and follow the guidelines...if that means I'm out of ketosis then ok. I am going to stay in Sherri's class. When I came home and talked to Hubby he said this is a no brainer. Sherri knows you...she's got your number!
So what the hell happened last night!? Youngest son wanted to get a midnight release of a game. We were all tired (only son had a nap) and I had a very draining day. Hubby took son to get the game at 11:45pm. I found myself alone. At first all was fine. I did my farmville, but when I had nothing left to plant I suddenly found myself in front of the refrigerator with a bag of grilled chicken in my hand! I ate it! Thinking oh no! I have to text beans now...the FIRST NIGHT and she hasn't even agreed to do it! WTF?! Then I was a crazy woman...what else can I have? There they were in the back of the fridge and I saw the 0. Pickles have 0 calories! This could be dangerous. I ate one. It didn't even taste that good but I still continued to eat it with a fork and knife. Half the pickle gone and I stopped. This is stupid. I'm not hungry...I'm tired, I'm cold, I'm alone...I'M ALONE! That is what this is about. I put the other half of the pickle in the jar picked up my iPad and layed down to read a book. Calm under my electric blanket. Hubby came home and to bed we went. I really need to work through this alone shit some more!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Day 140, ending week 22
Weigh in tonight! First time since I began eating food. I'm scared and anxious and I don't know why. I've done everything the way I'm supposed to. I weigh my food and measure with a measuring cup and spoons. I'm drinking the water and the shakes. For some reason I'm just scared! A few epiphanies:
1. I figured out the potassium problem. I have to have 4-5 shakes, food, and 2 soups with soy sauce each day plus take a potassium supplement. My numbers for potassium keep coming back high. I figured it out. It's the damn SOUPS! They have 11% of my daily recommended allowance of potassium in one! I drink 2...then I take a supplement that gives me 100% of what I need! I stopped taking the soup and now I have beef broth. The difference 40 calories less, no carbs and no potassium in the broth. I don't add soy sauce because there is enough in the broth.
2. This plan isn't going to work period. I am addicted to food. I am addicted to sugar and flour. In a week they expect me to go to bread and milk with my veg and meat. I can't let that happen. John says go with the flow, but I know me. There will be no flow. I need to abstain. I must. I went to OA today and just accepted it. So what to do? I'm going to talk to the nutritionist tonight and see if we can revamp this. I have some thoughts, but I figure I will let them go and see what they come up with...isn't that what I paid for? The plan for me is to ultimately follow the curves plan...its not as nuts as Atkins, the caloric intake is 1000 a day (similar to this plan) but more protein and FAR less carbs, flour and sugar from milk and fruit.
3. I need a food buddy. I have an idea if you are willing. I don't know if you have the same problems I do...but I need accountability. There are a few ways I can do it. In OA people send sponsors a list of food they ate. That seems like TMI to me. I was thinking something a little more modified. I have this fitness pal app. and you can add friends. You log what you eat and exercise. I sent the invite to you. This way you can see if I'm going over calorie or not exercising. The other thing and I don't know if you want to do this or not but I think it might be a good thing. When you eat something either that you should not OR you eat something excessively you text me (and I will text you) what it was and how much was. I have a feeling if I have or you have to tell what we are doing we might not let ourselves go there! It's worth a try! What do you think? I need a food buddy, but we are both so busy I may not be able to answer the phone when you are about to eat something. I think we have to think ahead.
So my OA meeting was very insightful. This was the one that does the step study and I think I need that. I need more structure. I liked the class and I plan to go again next week. Figuring out how to eat at work then go on my lunch break to the meeting then going to my class at night is difficult but I need it and I think I will force it to work.
I also think I need to join Curves. I'll be doing the diet plan in the end and I need to go to a place regarding exercise that holds me accountable. It's 3 days a week 30 minutes. I'll just go after work. I can do this and I forget about me the minute I walk in the door. I need to make it a priority. If I'm paying for it AND I make time away from work I think I will do it. It's worth a try.
There it is in a nut shell.
1. I figured out the potassium problem. I have to have 4-5 shakes, food, and 2 soups with soy sauce each day plus take a potassium supplement. My numbers for potassium keep coming back high. I figured it out. It's the damn SOUPS! They have 11% of my daily recommended allowance of potassium in one! I drink 2...then I take a supplement that gives me 100% of what I need! I stopped taking the soup and now I have beef broth. The difference 40 calories less, no carbs and no potassium in the broth. I don't add soy sauce because there is enough in the broth.
2. This plan isn't going to work period. I am addicted to food. I am addicted to sugar and flour. In a week they expect me to go to bread and milk with my veg and meat. I can't let that happen. John says go with the flow, but I know me. There will be no flow. I need to abstain. I must. I went to OA today and just accepted it. So what to do? I'm going to talk to the nutritionist tonight and see if we can revamp this. I have some thoughts, but I figure I will let them go and see what they come up with...isn't that what I paid for? The plan for me is to ultimately follow the curves plan...its not as nuts as Atkins, the caloric intake is 1000 a day (similar to this plan) but more protein and FAR less carbs, flour and sugar from milk and fruit.
3. I need a food buddy. I have an idea if you are willing. I don't know if you have the same problems I do...but I need accountability. There are a few ways I can do it. In OA people send sponsors a list of food they ate. That seems like TMI to me. I was thinking something a little more modified. I have this fitness pal app. and you can add friends. You log what you eat and exercise. I sent the invite to you. This way you can see if I'm going over calorie or not exercising. The other thing and I don't know if you want to do this or not but I think it might be a good thing. When you eat something either that you should not OR you eat something excessively you text me (and I will text you) what it was and how much was. I have a feeling if I have or you have to tell what we are doing we might not let ourselves go there! It's worth a try! What do you think? I need a food buddy, but we are both so busy I may not be able to answer the phone when you are about to eat something. I think we have to think ahead.
So my OA meeting was very insightful. This was the one that does the step study and I think I need that. I need more structure. I liked the class and I plan to go again next week. Figuring out how to eat at work then go on my lunch break to the meeting then going to my class at night is difficult but I need it and I think I will force it to work.
I also think I need to join Curves. I'll be doing the diet plan in the end and I need to go to a place regarding exercise that holds me accountable. It's 3 days a week 30 minutes. I'll just go after work. I can do this and I forget about me the minute I walk in the door. I need to make it a priority. If I'm paying for it AND I make time away from work I think I will do it. It's worth a try.
There it is in a nut shell.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Day 137, Week 22?
I think it's 22...
Okay so San Francisco was cold! Friend runs warm. She has the windows open with shorts on and she's sweating! I'm in a hat, gloves, scarf, coat, sweatshirt and blanket and my teeth were chattering! It was nuts! I am soooo tired of being cold and my building is cold! I hate this! I can't wait until my metabolism gets to a point where this doesn't have such a profound effect on me!
So food! Day 2 of eating I had blackened salmon in downtown San Diego. Now, I am only supposed to have a 3oz piece of chicken or fish...no salt or salty seasons. I can add herbs, but no butter or oil. The salmon had some kind of oil (olive I suspect) on it. Here I am in a nice fancy place squeezing my fish between two napkins to get the oil out! It was delish though. Day 3 of eating, now we are in San Francisco. I had smoked albacore! AMAZING! What a wonderful place to go back to food at! I ate 2.5 oz because I wanted to leave room for an oyster! YUMMAY! Day 4, this day I can add a half of veg. Catherine says she has smoked salmon at the house. It's the kind you put on a bagel :o( Nothing to write home about, but I had a 1/2 cup of steamed green beans...I added a little rosemary and basil and YUM! I was so full after the green beans, mind you I still had to have 2 shakes after that! Day 5 I had seared ahi. WOW! and braised artichokes, once again there was oil so I had to put each artichoke piece and wipe with a napkin, but oh my WOW! We are back home tonight so I will have grilled chicken with steamed zucchini for dinner.
The way the break down for weening me off food is 5 shakes and 3 oz of lean meat for 3 days. Then 4-5 shakes from day 4-7 where I have 3 oz of lean meat and 1/2 cup steamed veg. On Day 8 just 4 shakes but I add 2 cups of salad and 1/2 of chopped raw veg to salad with everything else. I can only handle 4 shakes now that I added the veg. I have to still have the 2 soups with the soy sauce because of the low heart rate thing. Believe it or not that's a lot of food. I'm not ever hungry!
So how do I feel? Like I am sooo done! I am so anxious to not be having shakes and yet I am scared to not have the shakes. It's nuts! I do my daily OA reading and on Thursday I plan to attend the OA step study meeting at lunch time. Working out...I'm doing it. My calves are sore, but I'm sticking to it. Not hard in San Fran we did oodles of walking. I plan to do the bike from hell tonight. The step will hurt my sore calves even more so I will save that for Wednesday!
Okay so San Francisco was cold! Friend runs warm. She has the windows open with shorts on and she's sweating! I'm in a hat, gloves, scarf, coat, sweatshirt and blanket and my teeth were chattering! It was nuts! I am soooo tired of being cold and my building is cold! I hate this! I can't wait until my metabolism gets to a point where this doesn't have such a profound effect on me!
So food! Day 2 of eating I had blackened salmon in downtown San Diego. Now, I am only supposed to have a 3oz piece of chicken or fish...no salt or salty seasons. I can add herbs, but no butter or oil. The salmon had some kind of oil (olive I suspect) on it. Here I am in a nice fancy place squeezing my fish between two napkins to get the oil out! It was delish though. Day 3 of eating, now we are in San Francisco. I had smoked albacore! AMAZING! What a wonderful place to go back to food at! I ate 2.5 oz because I wanted to leave room for an oyster! YUMMAY! Day 4, this day I can add a half of veg. Catherine says she has smoked salmon at the house. It's the kind you put on a bagel :o( Nothing to write home about, but I had a 1/2 cup of steamed green beans...I added a little rosemary and basil and YUM! I was so full after the green beans, mind you I still had to have 2 shakes after that! Day 5 I had seared ahi. WOW! and braised artichokes, once again there was oil so I had to put each artichoke piece and wipe with a napkin, but oh my WOW! We are back home tonight so I will have grilled chicken with steamed zucchini for dinner.
The way the break down for weening me off food is 5 shakes and 3 oz of lean meat for 3 days. Then 4-5 shakes from day 4-7 where I have 3 oz of lean meat and 1/2 cup steamed veg. On Day 8 just 4 shakes but I add 2 cups of salad and 1/2 of chopped raw veg to salad with everything else. I can only handle 4 shakes now that I added the veg. I have to still have the 2 soups with the soy sauce because of the low heart rate thing. Believe it or not that's a lot of food. I'm not ever hungry!
So how do I feel? Like I am sooo done! I am so anxious to not be having shakes and yet I am scared to not have the shakes. It's nuts! I do my daily OA reading and on Thursday I plan to attend the OA step study meeting at lunch time. Working out...I'm doing it. My calves are sore, but I'm sticking to it. Not hard in San Fran we did oodles of walking. I plan to do the bike from hell tonight. The step will hurt my sore calves even more so I will save that for Wednesday!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Day 133, Week 21 started out with a phone call
So yesterday I went to the program did my blood work and found out that I was at my target of 160. I decided to go to PFE's. I left a message for my counselor who did not call me back and does not work until 6pm Thursday night. So what to do? I decided to go to sleep. 1am my phone is on vibrate, but it wakes me. I answer it and its a Doctor from Kaiser. He was just checking my labs (AT 1 AM!) and the potassium is unusually high. Am I on supplements? Of course...you have me on supplements, why am I on supplements? Because you said I have to for my program...what program...blah blah blah...look at my damn chart! He wants me to come in and get another blood draw...Okay! I'll be there first thing in the morning OH NO! I gotta go tonight! Right now! Hubby just had 2 wisdom teeth taken out and he's on Vicodin and 2 glasses of wine. I wake him and say I have to go to the ER my potassium is 6.6 (normal is 5) He says holy shit! Yes you do! He jumps up and is thinking how did she know her potassium levels? At the ER they check my heart rate 45 (normal is 60-90) So I get an EKG and a bed. I'm on a heart monitor. They take my blood and set up an IV just in case they have to shoot me full of some potassium counter active med. Meanwhile I'm hooked to heart machine with an alarm going off constantly because my heart rate is below normal. 1 hour later the doctor comes in and says my new potassium draw was normal and I can go home after I pay my $50 co-pay.
Hubby is not at all okay with the heart rate and basically insists I begin eating today. I go to the store and carefully pick out my chicken breast. I call the PA at my program and I get dumb one, but she's with it today and agrees I should go to PFE's but reduce my shakes to 5 a day but keep the soups with soy sauce. I get a food scale and carefully measure 3 oz of chicken. I grill it, shut off the TV and begin to eat. It feels weird having food getting stuck in my teeth. Last time I did this I threw up so now I know...eat slow, small bites. It takes over a half an hour to eat my one piece of chicken no bigger than the size of a deck of cards. I dip it in cholula chili lime hot sauce and its wonderful! When I stand up I am so full I can hardly move. I force myself to clean up dinner plates and the kitchen counter. Its nearly 3 hours later and I'm still quite full, but I'm supposed to still have a soup and a shake! I don't think the soup is going to happen tonight!
Well I'm off to exercise hope I don't puke!
Hubby is not at all okay with the heart rate and basically insists I begin eating today. I go to the store and carefully pick out my chicken breast. I call the PA at my program and I get dumb one, but she's with it today and agrees I should go to PFE's but reduce my shakes to 5 a day but keep the soups with soy sauce. I get a food scale and carefully measure 3 oz of chicken. I grill it, shut off the TV and begin to eat. It feels weird having food getting stuck in my teeth. Last time I did this I threw up so now I know...eat slow, small bites. It takes over a half an hour to eat my one piece of chicken no bigger than the size of a deck of cards. I dip it in cholula chili lime hot sauce and its wonderful! When I stand up I am so full I can hardly move. I force myself to clean up dinner plates and the kitchen counter. Its nearly 3 hours later and I'm still quite full, but I'm supposed to still have a soup and a shake! I don't think the soup is going to happen tonight!
Well I'm off to exercise hope I don't puke!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
UNSURE
So I'm unsure about a lot of things. Even though Hubby and I have talked about this there is still a small voice in the back of my head saying you aren't at the right weight! You should be 149. That would put you at a "normal BMI" 152 is still overweight and 157 at night is more overweight! Shit I'm unsure about what weight to trust! The morning, the evening or the program!
I'm unsure about if I can get a handle on my compulsive overeating. It's a disease and it consumes me. What if I go to food and I get a taste and then I can't "tame the chew"?! What if I don't follow the portions?
I'm unsure about why I want to eat now. Why now? If I wait until I get to 150 at the program isn't that where I wanted to be? I'm wondering if I want to eat now so I can leave this awful class that just started where I don't feel like I fit in AT ALL! I met a nice lady last week and there are two guys left from my last class but the rest I can't relate to at all and I don't like how they look at me...is that why I want to start eating now...to just get out? I know this program is MY journey, but am I letting that dictate the road I take right now? I'm not sure!
I'm not sure if I'm happy with the way my body looks right now, but I'm not sure I ever will be happy with it. That is part of the disease and I know that. I have to learn to just accept my body the way it is, 40, bumpy, lumpy, but a lot leaner.
One thing I am pretty sure about. This is sustainable I can sustain this weight without killing myself with exercise and starving myself. If I get too thin I won't be able to sustain that...I learned that from last time. The other thing I am sure about if I start to gain I can always fall back on the shakes. It will be a bitch in a half, but I can catch myself before I fall too far. The other thing I am sure of...I'm not alone. I have you, I have John, I have the program and I'm reaching out this time. I'm not secretly holding all these emotions, secrets and fears. I'm laying them out there for you to see and then call me on my bullshit when I need that or just reassure me that I'm not crazy or maybe tell me I AM acting crazy...whatever it takes!
I can do this. If it starts to get hard...I'll call the program, you and John and I'll ask for help, pep talk and guidance. I'm sure that the only way to a normal, healthy life is by actually eating food not 5 shakes a day with soy sauce soup! I'm sure I want a normal, healthy life that is why I did this in the first place. I will take what I have learned and start putting it to work and when I'm unsure I will "fake it until I make it!"
I'm unsure about if I can get a handle on my compulsive overeating. It's a disease and it consumes me. What if I go to food and I get a taste and then I can't "tame the chew"?! What if I don't follow the portions?
I'm unsure about why I want to eat now. Why now? If I wait until I get to 150 at the program isn't that where I wanted to be? I'm wondering if I want to eat now so I can leave this awful class that just started where I don't feel like I fit in AT ALL! I met a nice lady last week and there are two guys left from my last class but the rest I can't relate to at all and I don't like how they look at me...is that why I want to start eating now...to just get out? I know this program is MY journey, but am I letting that dictate the road I take right now? I'm not sure!
I'm not sure if I'm happy with the way my body looks right now, but I'm not sure I ever will be happy with it. That is part of the disease and I know that. I have to learn to just accept my body the way it is, 40, bumpy, lumpy, but a lot leaner.
One thing I am pretty sure about. This is sustainable I can sustain this weight without killing myself with exercise and starving myself. If I get too thin I won't be able to sustain that...I learned that from last time. The other thing I am sure about if I start to gain I can always fall back on the shakes. It will be a bitch in a half, but I can catch myself before I fall too far. The other thing I am sure of...I'm not alone. I have you, I have John, I have the program and I'm reaching out this time. I'm not secretly holding all these emotions, secrets and fears. I'm laying them out there for you to see and then call me on my bullshit when I need that or just reassure me that I'm not crazy or maybe tell me I AM acting crazy...whatever it takes!
I can do this. If it starts to get hard...I'll call the program, you and John and I'll ask for help, pep talk and guidance. I'm sure that the only way to a normal, healthy life is by actually eating food not 5 shakes a day with soy sauce soup! I'm sure I want a normal, healthy life that is why I did this in the first place. I will take what I have learned and start putting it to work and when I'm unsure I will "fake it until I make it!"
Day 132, Week 21
So I have some homework today.
I went to my program early today. We are going to San Francisco Thursday and I will be missing my class. I needed to do the blood work. I was dreading weighing in because it's 2 days early. I could lose another pound in a day who knows! I went to my doctor first because he needed to see a mole on my back (that's fine) I got on the scale and it said 159.2 I almost did a cartwheel.
I walked over to my program and checked in. They gave me my paperwork and I weighed in. 160.0 That's okay! I knew their scales were wrong! I had decided that if I had lost more than 2.5 pounds I was going to go to food. I lost 5! I think that is a clear indicator. I wanted to be between 150 and 160. At home on the scale naked in the morning I am 152.6 in the evening 157 naked, on the scale at optifast 160...that's right where I wanted to be.
After talking it over for a very long time with hubby I decided to call my counselor and tell her I'm ready to start PFE (progressive food encounters) I'm nervous. Hubby actually had to talk me back into going to food...I had talked myself out of it. "but look! I still have fat here!" I said. I left her a message "no rush, just call me back whenever, really I'm in NO hurry" was what I said. I'm scared out of my mind! I didn't know I would be this nervous about eating a 3 oz breast of chicken!
So the homework and I have decided to do it here. I have to write down my feelings (words) about going back to food. Then pick one word and write about it for 15 minutes. I will write the words here and then on another page do the 15 minutes of writing. Here goes:
fear, anxiety, excited, relieved, nervous, happy, untrustworthy, abnormal, independent, indecisive, unsure, insecure.
I had Hubby choose the word for me. He chose unsure...
I went to my program early today. We are going to San Francisco Thursday and I will be missing my class. I needed to do the blood work. I was dreading weighing in because it's 2 days early. I could lose another pound in a day who knows! I went to my doctor first because he needed to see a mole on my back (that's fine) I got on the scale and it said 159.2 I almost did a cartwheel.
I walked over to my program and checked in. They gave me my paperwork and I weighed in. 160.0 That's okay! I knew their scales were wrong! I had decided that if I had lost more than 2.5 pounds I was going to go to food. I lost 5! I think that is a clear indicator. I wanted to be between 150 and 160. At home on the scale naked in the morning I am 152.6 in the evening 157 naked, on the scale at optifast 160...that's right where I wanted to be.
After talking it over for a very long time with hubby I decided to call my counselor and tell her I'm ready to start PFE (progressive food encounters) I'm nervous. Hubby actually had to talk me back into going to food...I had talked myself out of it. "but look! I still have fat here!" I said. I left her a message "no rush, just call me back whenever, really I'm in NO hurry" was what I said. I'm scared out of my mind! I didn't know I would be this nervous about eating a 3 oz breast of chicken!
So the homework and I have decided to do it here. I have to write down my feelings (words) about going back to food. Then pick one word and write about it for 15 minutes. I will write the words here and then on another page do the 15 minutes of writing. Here goes:
fear, anxiety, excited, relieved, nervous, happy, untrustworthy, abnormal, independent, indecisive, unsure, insecure.
I had Hubby choose the word for me. He chose unsure...
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Day 127, last day of week 20
On the scale this morning naked and dehydrated 155.4...I wonder what that means on the scale at the program...we shall see. I'm almost there I can feel it.
So I had a long talk with hubby about EVERYTHING last night. Here is my conundrum. I have 3 guides right now.
I confessed my binge tactics to Hubby about a month ago. He's on it. One of my OA abstentions that is realistic and attainable is not eating standing up, not eating at a desk or in the car. No distracted eating.
Here is where I'm nervous. I thought one day every 6 months...Hubby said one day every 3 months. Set a date...write it down...its not any day associated with anything so it's not an emotional eating day. That is my day to eat what I like...not how I like, no eating standing up, no distracted eating at my desk or in the car. That day is a day I can have whatever I want however much I want. The next day I go on shakes and I stay there for 3 days then go to my regular controlled meal plan of limited carbs. I'm nervous because it sounds like a binge plan, but I have to not deprive myself and I need to do things in moderation MOST OF THE TIME and this would fit that need. John thinks that after 9 months I may find myself saying you know I only need to do my day 1 time every 6 months or a year...I may not like having to feel worn down the day after the food day and going to shakes so I may decide 3 months is too often, but better to start at 3 and not "set myself up for failure" as John put it.
The OA I am liking, but the lack of crosstalk and feedback is baffling to me. Hubby says that's the whole concept, but I'm having trouble with it. I told him it feels like organized religion and that scares me a little...he said it is totally organized something! Right now I go to a Tuesday class at lunch. I'm thinking I may go to the Thursday class...that is a more structured step study class. I think I need that. I need to understand this more. The problem with Thursday is that I have a union meeting downtown the Thursday of every month so I will miss some meetings, but maybe those weeks I will go on the Tuesday just so I don't disconnect.
Then there is the exercise. There's curves which I'm wondering if that's enough. 30 minutes 3 times a week!? Doesn't seem like it would do much. Ex mom in law wants me to go back to LA fitness water aerobics, but I didn't even breath hard in that class. I love my walks around the lake on the weekends, but that's not consistent enough. I hate my bike! I hate it I hate it I hate it. Doing it at home is also too much of a distraction. There is just too much to do at home. Maybe I need to just set time aside for ME 3 nights per week for a slotted time frame of 1 hour. Do the Wii//bike from hell and my OA step study. Then go to my program Thursday nights to keep me accountable. I think that is what has to happen. My program says to set attainable realistic goals. I think I can do that. 1 hour appointments for me 3 nights a week. I'll put them in a calendar like I do my class and not book anything in that time period. It's worth a try.
So I had a long talk with hubby about EVERYTHING last night. Here is my conundrum. I have 3 guides right now.
- The program which teaches everything in moderation.
- OA which teaches abstinence.
- The book the program had me read which teaches us not to deprive ourselves, to set realistic and attainable goals.
I confessed my binge tactics to Hubby about a month ago. He's on it. One of my OA abstentions that is realistic and attainable is not eating standing up, not eating at a desk or in the car. No distracted eating.
Here is where I'm nervous. I thought one day every 6 months...Hubby said one day every 3 months. Set a date...write it down...its not any day associated with anything so it's not an emotional eating day. That is my day to eat what I like...not how I like, no eating standing up, no distracted eating at my desk or in the car. That day is a day I can have whatever I want however much I want. The next day I go on shakes and I stay there for 3 days then go to my regular controlled meal plan of limited carbs. I'm nervous because it sounds like a binge plan, but I have to not deprive myself and I need to do things in moderation MOST OF THE TIME and this would fit that need. John thinks that after 9 months I may find myself saying you know I only need to do my day 1 time every 6 months or a year...I may not like having to feel worn down the day after the food day and going to shakes so I may decide 3 months is too often, but better to start at 3 and not "set myself up for failure" as John put it.
The OA I am liking, but the lack of crosstalk and feedback is baffling to me. Hubby says that's the whole concept, but I'm having trouble with it. I told him it feels like organized religion and that scares me a little...he said it is totally organized something! Right now I go to a Tuesday class at lunch. I'm thinking I may go to the Thursday class...that is a more structured step study class. I think I need that. I need to understand this more. The problem with Thursday is that I have a union meeting downtown the Thursday of every month so I will miss some meetings, but maybe those weeks I will go on the Tuesday just so I don't disconnect.
Then there is the exercise. There's curves which I'm wondering if that's enough. 30 minutes 3 times a week!? Doesn't seem like it would do much. Ex mom in law wants me to go back to LA fitness water aerobics, but I didn't even breath hard in that class. I love my walks around the lake on the weekends, but that's not consistent enough. I hate my bike! I hate it I hate it I hate it. Doing it at home is also too much of a distraction. There is just too much to do at home. Maybe I need to just set time aside for ME 3 nights per week for a slotted time frame of 1 hour. Do the Wii//bike from hell and my OA step study. Then go to my program Thursday nights to keep me accountable. I think that is what has to happen. My program says to set attainable realistic goals. I think I can do that. 1 hour appointments for me 3 nights a week. I'll put them in a calendar like I do my class and not book anything in that time period. It's worth a try.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Day 123, Week 20
So I bought me a book I lost 1 fucking pound and I met my new group and there is an ugly mean lady in there.
I won't go in that order. I only lost one pound. I'm on the period from hell, so I'm trying not to let that bother me except I am 1 fucking pound from my 50 pound mark! WHY?! WHY could it not be 2? Then I could say I've lost 50 pounds. Now I have to say I've lost almost 50 pounds...its just not the same! I have been struggling with what the reward would be. I decided more laser torture is in order, so I'm removing the hair on my bikini line. Go ME!
I bought a book. When food is love. By Deneen Roth. It's good. My program suggested we buy it. I don't know why it has taken me 20 weeks, but I'm on it now. It's covering the compulsive food crap and its making a ton of sense. I've had a bunch of AHA moments while reading it. I will be talking about that more.
So Thursday I met the new group. It went well the first hour. I was quiet mostly and the counselor mostly talked. Sherri the counselor let the group know who the people in the class were returning. She asked do you have any questions for the people who have already been here and done this for 20 weeks? This one lady raises her hand and without looking at me or anyone of the "returners" said "why are THEY here?" Sherri then said why is who here the people returning? The lady said "yes...why are they HERE?! They look fine, they look great! Why are they here?" Now I can tell you that the other returners have more than 20 pounds to lose. I look like I need to gain some at this point when I get dressed, but naked I have a tummy pooch. You can't see it with jeans. The lady never looked at me...but the REST OF THE CLASS, the WHOLE CLASS was looking at me. I don't think I've ever been so uncomfortable. This was my fear...my anxiety right there! Sherri then said "Who are you talking to?" The lady said "them, the one's returning" That's when one of the returners spoke up...he has at least 20 pounds to lose and he said "because for me I'm not done, and it's my personal journey. I decide when I am done...until then I need these classes."
I felt better. That mean lady isn't standing next to me and that guy when we look in the mirror naked and see that one area or two areas or the scale. For me its a look and a number. I know how this works...the minute I eat 1 carb I will retain water and gain the weight I lose every night. That's why in the morning I get on the scale dehydrated and naked and it says 156. When I go to the class hydrated and dressed 168. So I want to be a size 10 comfortably...that means they need to be lose on me before I start eating. That means the scale should probably read 155-160 at night, maybe more depending on how those 10's fit. No size 8...not interested. In the morning naked I should be about 150...(when I go back to food) which means for a VERY SHORT TIME it will read 145, but that's not my weight...that's no water in my system and when I go to food it will never see the 140's again.
Sherri didn't ask the lady if that answered her question or not, but I have decided that next week...I'm sitting next to the mean lady. I think I would rather get to know her then sit away from here and wonder if its me she is referring to.
I won't go in that order. I only lost one pound. I'm on the period from hell, so I'm trying not to let that bother me except I am 1 fucking pound from my 50 pound mark! WHY?! WHY could it not be 2? Then I could say I've lost 50 pounds. Now I have to say I've lost almost 50 pounds...its just not the same! I have been struggling with what the reward would be. I decided more laser torture is in order, so I'm removing the hair on my bikini line. Go ME!
I bought a book. When food is love. By Deneen Roth. It's good. My program suggested we buy it. I don't know why it has taken me 20 weeks, but I'm on it now. It's covering the compulsive food crap and its making a ton of sense. I've had a bunch of AHA moments while reading it. I will be talking about that more.
So Thursday I met the new group. It went well the first hour. I was quiet mostly and the counselor mostly talked. Sherri the counselor let the group know who the people in the class were returning. She asked do you have any questions for the people who have already been here and done this for 20 weeks? This one lady raises her hand and without looking at me or anyone of the "returners" said "why are THEY here?" Sherri then said why is who here the people returning? The lady said "yes...why are they HERE?! They look fine, they look great! Why are they here?" Now I can tell you that the other returners have more than 20 pounds to lose. I look like I need to gain some at this point when I get dressed, but naked I have a tummy pooch. You can't see it with jeans. The lady never looked at me...but the REST OF THE CLASS, the WHOLE CLASS was looking at me. I don't think I've ever been so uncomfortable. This was my fear...my anxiety right there! Sherri then said "Who are you talking to?" The lady said "them, the one's returning" That's when one of the returners spoke up...he has at least 20 pounds to lose and he said "because for me I'm not done, and it's my personal journey. I decide when I am done...until then I need these classes."
I felt better. That mean lady isn't standing next to me and that guy when we look in the mirror naked and see that one area or two areas or the scale. For me its a look and a number. I know how this works...the minute I eat 1 carb I will retain water and gain the weight I lose every night. That's why in the morning I get on the scale dehydrated and naked and it says 156. When I go to the class hydrated and dressed 168. So I want to be a size 10 comfortably...that means they need to be lose on me before I start eating. That means the scale should probably read 155-160 at night, maybe more depending on how those 10's fit. No size 8...not interested. In the morning naked I should be about 150...(when I go back to food) which means for a VERY SHORT TIME it will read 145, but that's not my weight...that's no water in my system and when I go to food it will never see the 140's again.
Sherri didn't ask the lady if that answered her question or not, but I have decided that next week...I'm sitting next to the mean lady. I think I would rather get to know her then sit away from here and wonder if its me she is referring to.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
OMG What if!?
So I've been cold, hungry and there are days I have horrible bloating and cramping. There are days when my weight loss is nothing or 1 pound a week. This all happened last time. So what have I done...I went up to 800 calories with the shakes. That didn't benefit me. I was still cold, not as cold but I was cold and oh LORD was I hungry!
I went back on the 70 calorie shakes, added another shake and 2 soups. I'm still cold, not as cold, but I'm cold and hey wait I'm still a little hungry. That bloating is back too and now its more days than not. So I started reading last night. I had some theories. The gum. This diet gives you the worst breath! I chew a lot of gum. I cut that out and the bloating went down significantly. So...whats in the gum?
Then I started reading about soy. Some people build up an intolerance to the soy. My shakes are soy based.
Wait...what's in the gum dammit because I really like the sweet flavor of the damn gum! I started looking up ingredients. Sucrolose. I probably spelled it wrong. I drink 2 propel waters a day...I added those recently to up my electrolytes...what's in those? Those are yummy! Sucrolose. I drink a life water too cause of the added vitamins and it's yummy! Sucrolose. Those delicious syrups I put in every single one of my shakes...sucrolose! I'm starting to see a trend here.
What the hell is sucrolose? Splenda. I loves me my splenda! I like to call it splendid indeed! Then I started reading about that. People can build an intolerance to that. Symptoms...migraines (not me), bloating (ME!), weight gain (SHIT!) and a plethora of other junk. The stuff just doesn't seem like a good thing to ingest. Did you know it was discovered by accident? Yes it's derived from sugar, but they were actually trying to make insecticide! I don't know what dumb ass thought, hmmm I'm gonna try this in my coffee and see if it kills me? Probably some desperate soul on Optifast! I can relate.
So each night I prepare my flavored syrup waters for the next day of shakes. Last night I brewed a cup of cinnamon tea (ingredients: cinnamon and black tea) Put it in my blender ball with 2 teaspoons of fiber and this morning added my vanilla powder. Not brave enough to have this shake with just water yet but at 10:30am I better get over it, because that's coming! I sit here with my black cup of coffee typing this.
I can't cut out the shakes to see if its the soy, but sure as hell can cut out the artificial sweetener to see if that is my problem! AND WHAT IF that is why my weight loss has been so slow this go around, what if that is why I'm cold, what if that is why I feel so bloated all the time? Wow!
I went back on the 70 calorie shakes, added another shake and 2 soups. I'm still cold, not as cold, but I'm cold and hey wait I'm still a little hungry. That bloating is back too and now its more days than not. So I started reading last night. I had some theories. The gum. This diet gives you the worst breath! I chew a lot of gum. I cut that out and the bloating went down significantly. So...whats in the gum?
Then I started reading about soy. Some people build up an intolerance to the soy. My shakes are soy based.
Wait...what's in the gum dammit because I really like the sweet flavor of the damn gum! I started looking up ingredients. Sucrolose. I probably spelled it wrong. I drink 2 propel waters a day...I added those recently to up my electrolytes...what's in those? Those are yummy! Sucrolose. I drink a life water too cause of the added vitamins and it's yummy! Sucrolose. Those delicious syrups I put in every single one of my shakes...sucrolose! I'm starting to see a trend here.
What the hell is sucrolose? Splenda. I loves me my splenda! I like to call it splendid indeed! Then I started reading about that. People can build an intolerance to that. Symptoms...migraines (not me), bloating (ME!), weight gain (SHIT!) and a plethora of other junk. The stuff just doesn't seem like a good thing to ingest. Did you know it was discovered by accident? Yes it's derived from sugar, but they were actually trying to make insecticide! I don't know what dumb ass thought, hmmm I'm gonna try this in my coffee and see if it kills me? Probably some desperate soul on Optifast! I can relate.
So each night I prepare my flavored syrup waters for the next day of shakes. Last night I brewed a cup of cinnamon tea (ingredients: cinnamon and black tea) Put it in my blender ball with 2 teaspoons of fiber and this morning added my vanilla powder. Not brave enough to have this shake with just water yet but at 10:30am I better get over it, because that's coming! I sit here with my black cup of coffee typing this.
I can't cut out the shakes to see if its the soy, but sure as hell can cut out the artificial sweetener to see if that is my problem! AND WHAT IF that is why my weight loss has been so slow this go around, what if that is why I'm cold, what if that is why I feel so bloated all the time? Wow!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
I cheated!
Actually I had been planning on doing it. J died today. Her favorite drink is a bloody mary. When people close to me die I toast to them with their favorite drink. For my mom it is Kahlua coffee. I have it every year on the anniversary of her death. I came home and told hubby that tonight I would be having a bloody mary. We went to the store and bought the lowest carb Bloody mary mix we could find. I made it in a small 4 oz glass. I lined the rim with chipotle powder and put an olive in it. I made hubby a much bigger one and we toasted to the life of J. I chewed the olive and then spit it out...not ready to actually eat. Now I'm drunk!
I had my first mammogram today. Not so bad...the technician was a South African. The song "I never met a nice south african" (shown here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeDk6ZeGNnU ) rang in my head the entire procedure...no matter how hard I tried to get it out! She really was very gentle and very nice. The whole thing was very quick. I got out early and was driving down clairemont mesa blvd...it was 11:55am and I realized in just 5 minutes that OA meeting I've been trying to go to at lunch starts. I was 3 blocks from it so I went! It was as I thought it would and yep I totally related to everyone in the room. I'm a compulsive eater. Most of them had trouble at night. Many kept food journals...others had time since binge. One lady stated it had been 8 months since her last binge and others avoided sugar as a desert or sugar entirely. I did as they said...took what I needed and left the rest. For me...I think I will not be so hard on myself. I will avoid sugar and white flour and whatever other "trigger foods" I discover along the way, but occasionally I will plan to eat them in moderation. Like tonight. I had a drink in moderation and I didn't eat. I will watch myself re: the binging and consider that a "relapse" if that happens. I'm excited. I really feel I belong there. I felt relieved when I left.
When I got back to work life began again. J had passed and I being the senate president had more on my plate than ever before. Did I mention she was the president for 13 years before I "dethroned" her? It took a while for her to forgive me for that, but she did and I have made a legacy of her service since that time. So that's my plate today. OI!
I had my first mammogram today. Not so bad...the technician was a South African. The song "I never met a nice south african" (shown here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeDk6ZeGNnU ) rang in my head the entire procedure...no matter how hard I tried to get it out! She really was very gentle and very nice. The whole thing was very quick. I got out early and was driving down clairemont mesa blvd...it was 11:55am and I realized in just 5 minutes that OA meeting I've been trying to go to at lunch starts. I was 3 blocks from it so I went! It was as I thought it would and yep I totally related to everyone in the room. I'm a compulsive eater. Most of them had trouble at night. Many kept food journals...others had time since binge. One lady stated it had been 8 months since her last binge and others avoided sugar as a desert or sugar entirely. I did as they said...took what I needed and left the rest. For me...I think I will not be so hard on myself. I will avoid sugar and white flour and whatever other "trigger foods" I discover along the way, but occasionally I will plan to eat them in moderation. Like tonight. I had a drink in moderation and I didn't eat. I will watch myself re: the binging and consider that a "relapse" if that happens. I'm excited. I really feel I belong there. I felt relieved when I left.
When I got back to work life began again. J had passed and I being the senate president had more on my plate than ever before. Did I mention she was the president for 13 years before I "dethroned" her? It took a while for her to forgive me for that, but she did and I have made a legacy of her service since that time. So that's my plate today. OI!
Monday, October 17, 2011
Day 117, week 19
Friday was a big day. I came home and J's brother called me. He said I think there was a miscommunication...J made some accusations while she was also hallucinating. The doctor jotted them in her chart and we got a letter asking if we wanted to follow up...hubby's name had been mentioned...we did NOT follow up nor do we plan to. Now what J said we don't think she came up with on her own especially because we heard that Toxic M person saying the same story, but we never believed it. We never wanted Hubby to get in trouble...if anything comes of it please have them call me or I will call them and straighten it out.
A huge weight was lifted. He called hubby and said the same thing. I found out the next day that my co-worker went to them and told them everything.
So that is good. I went to an OA meeting Friday...no one else showed up...I guess it was canceled, but being a newcomer I didn't get the memo.
I was going to try the OA at the one near my work tomorrow but they scheduled my mammogram for the same time...I swear it's always something and I not doing it on purpose! Next effort is Thursday at lunch time...I'm off that day but I'm going to try anyway! That night is the first night of my new class. I am a bit nervous.
I have been doctoring my soups. I have to put soy sauce so Mexican hot sauce won't do. I have been putting wasabi in one...that's not bad. The other one I put a chili garlic sauce that we normally put in PHO soup...thats good too. I need some kick.
Everything is going well with the extra shake. I get hungry; not sure what that is about.
Hubby and I were talking yesterday I may be going to food sooner than I thought...I am 168 on the scale at the program. I am 158 on the scale at home. I wanted to be between 150 and 160. If I go by the scale at the program I have 8 pounds to go...that would make me 150 at home that is between 150 and 160 if there ever was a between! That could happen in a little as 3 to 4 weeks!
A huge weight was lifted. He called hubby and said the same thing. I found out the next day that my co-worker went to them and told them everything.
So that is good. I went to an OA meeting Friday...no one else showed up...I guess it was canceled, but being a newcomer I didn't get the memo.
I was going to try the OA at the one near my work tomorrow but they scheduled my mammogram for the same time...I swear it's always something and I not doing it on purpose! Next effort is Thursday at lunch time...I'm off that day but I'm going to try anyway! That night is the first night of my new class. I am a bit nervous.
I have been doctoring my soups. I have to put soy sauce so Mexican hot sauce won't do. I have been putting wasabi in one...that's not bad. The other one I put a chili garlic sauce that we normally put in PHO soup...thats good too. I need some kick.
Everything is going well with the extra shake. I get hungry; not sure what that is about.
Hubby and I were talking yesterday I may be going to food sooner than I thought...I am 168 on the scale at the program. I am 158 on the scale at home. I wanted to be between 150 and 160. If I go by the scale at the program I have 8 pounds to go...that would make me 150 at home that is between 150 and 160 if there ever was a between! That could happen in a little as 3 to 4 weeks!
Friday, October 14, 2011
Day 114, start of week 19
Well it's almost done. It's a 20 week program. I signed up to continue with the class. I hate trying to pre-calculate what my weight loss will be because it sets me up for dissappointment, but none the less I do it so I know what to do
I lost 2.5 last week. I'm at 168. If I keep losing 2.5 each week I will be done in 7 weeks. 5 weeks later than I planned, but how can plan to lose a certain amount within 20 weeks? Besides its a number! If I wake up tomorrow look at my arms and say...ya that'll do...then we stop and I EAT! I eat a plain lean piece of chicken! mmmm mmmm mmmm!
I planned to go to OA at lunch yesterday, but this thing with J is completely running me. When your friend is dying it seems like life just stops. I did go to my class yesterday. I talked about everything. The class was horrified. Mostly they, like me, did not understand how Toxic M could be so helpful in J's life and so hurtful at the same time. It's hard to wrap your head around. For hubby and I it's a waiting game...will he be reprimanded? Will there be an investigation? Will he be fired? They fired 15 people from Kaiser over the Nadia Sulman (octomom) case...they violated HIPPA by looking in her chart. One was a doctor. Hubby had reason to look into her chart...he was treating her, but thank GOD he hasn't looked in her chart in the last 2 months and the complaint her brother filed against my husband was 5 days ago. So he may be okay...if he isn't we plan to hire a lawyer a sue toxic M for a thing called Libel per se. Basically it's like a defamation of character that affects someones license or ability to work. We have a lawyer's name ready for if and when it happens, but JESUS! Who needs this shit when your friend is dying?!
So there is an OA class tonight. I think I'm going to try and go. It's actually in my neighborhood so why not? I'm not even comfortable going back to eating food until I have at least started some kind of food addiction program. I need a food sponsor...someone that I can call that will be there that when I've talked myself into eating a whole white cake they can convince me why I don't need that! I'm not safe on my own I know that now. I still need to learn more about my trigger emotions. I have the trigger foods down, but the emotions are confusing...like now I'm not hungry at all and I'm experiencing two of the big emotions I thought were my triggers SAD, ANGRY. Now I'm not alone and I can tell you alone does it I know that is a trigger. THAT is when I think exercise will fit nicely...exercise when I'm alone.
So there is where I'm at. I want to visit J today...the brother is there and I'm not comfortable with him, but I had a wonderful visit with just J yesterday and I do want to see her as much as I can before she passes. Her borrowed time seems to be my gift.
I lost 2.5 last week. I'm at 168. If I keep losing 2.5 each week I will be done in 7 weeks. 5 weeks later than I planned, but how can plan to lose a certain amount within 20 weeks? Besides its a number! If I wake up tomorrow look at my arms and say...ya that'll do...then we stop and I EAT! I eat a plain lean piece of chicken! mmmm mmmm mmmm!
I planned to go to OA at lunch yesterday, but this thing with J is completely running me. When your friend is dying it seems like life just stops. I did go to my class yesterday. I talked about everything. The class was horrified. Mostly they, like me, did not understand how Toxic M could be so helpful in J's life and so hurtful at the same time. It's hard to wrap your head around. For hubby and I it's a waiting game...will he be reprimanded? Will there be an investigation? Will he be fired? They fired 15 people from Kaiser over the Nadia Sulman (octomom) case...they violated HIPPA by looking in her chart. One was a doctor. Hubby had reason to look into her chart...he was treating her, but thank GOD he hasn't looked in her chart in the last 2 months and the complaint her brother filed against my husband was 5 days ago. So he may be okay...if he isn't we plan to hire a lawyer a sue toxic M for a thing called Libel per se. Basically it's like a defamation of character that affects someones license or ability to work. We have a lawyer's name ready for if and when it happens, but JESUS! Who needs this shit when your friend is dying?!
So there is an OA class tonight. I think I'm going to try and go. It's actually in my neighborhood so why not? I'm not even comfortable going back to eating food until I have at least started some kind of food addiction program. I need a food sponsor...someone that I can call that will be there that when I've talked myself into eating a whole white cake they can convince me why I don't need that! I'm not safe on my own I know that now. I still need to learn more about my trigger emotions. I have the trigger foods down, but the emotions are confusing...like now I'm not hungry at all and I'm experiencing two of the big emotions I thought were my triggers SAD, ANGRY. Now I'm not alone and I can tell you alone does it I know that is a trigger. THAT is when I think exercise will fit nicely...exercise when I'm alone.
So there is where I'm at. I want to visit J today...the brother is there and I'm not comfortable with him, but I had a wonderful visit with just J yesterday and I do want to see her as much as I can before she passes. Her borrowed time seems to be my gift.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Day 113, week 18
Amazing what can change in just two days. My world has literally been turned upside down in just 2 days...It's surreal and a bit of an involved story. I'll try to reader's digest it for you.
I told 2 people I trust at work about my diet. C and J . J has always had knee problems and she is morbid obese. Hubby gave her an injection of cortisone. He also went to her house to change some bandages when she came home from the ER after a nasty fall. J LOVES hubby ...always says he's a keeper. There is a toxic lady at my work who absolutely HATES me...I don't know why...honestly I don't really care, she's sick in the head this I know.
J fell at home almost 2 months ago...this time she was not found for 2 days, she had gone septic and her kidney and liver were shutting down. Off to the ER where she stayed for a while. Then she was improving so they sent her to a skilled rehab facility. Hubby and I visited her. She told our friend she had a bed sore and when we got there she asked John to change the bandage, he did. He made some adjustments to the bed, spoke to the nursing staff, got a phone in the room...that's why J loves hubby. When he changed the bandage I asked if she wanted me and our her/my other friend to leave the room...She adamantly said no. We stayed and what I saw brought tears to my eyes...a DEEP wound at the small of her back and down the top part of her butt 5 inches tall and 12 inches wide.
When I got to the car I asked hubbyabout it. He said he never saw someone with one that big live.
Then life got busy. I called to check on J and she seemed to be okay. She had visitors. M the toxic person who hates me was visiting and feeding her cats. One day I get a call from J. "Can you come to the hospital?" I was on the way to class. "Why are you at the hospital?" She answered "Its a long story can Hubby come?" I called Hubby...he couldn't go, but he called. She told him the rehab center was trying to kill her and that she called 911. They took her to the hospital. My friend asks me how J is doing...I say I'm not sure she was doing okay last I saw her. She just needs to make sure the bed sore doesn't get infected. A few days later she was released to a different rehab center in El Cajon. That's when I lost contact. The phone had issues...I didn't know where to go. Last week I learn she's back at the hospital. I plan to see her. Toxic M has been seeing her everyday. Yesterday my friend who was asking about her says she has 2 hours to live! I leave work. As I'm driving she my friends says I'm here and you should know they think your husband took a picture of the bedsore and he's showing it to everyone at the college. I said who thinks that? J and her brother. I get there and its tense the brother is looking at me funny. J is okay and glad to see me. She asks about hubby and I say he's working...he texts and I tell him I'm at the hospital. He comes and its tense, but J is glad to see him. The brother is really talking up hubby. Hubby gets the brother and his wife recliners to sleep in because J could make it thru the night. He helps the brother understand what all the things on J's wrist are and has the nurse cut off some of the restricting ones. As we are leaving the brother says "Thank you...you have been really helpful..you might be getting a call...in J's haze she told the me and the doctor that there were rumors at the college, do you know anything about Rumors? Hubby says no. Brother then says well the doctor asked who was spreading those rumors and she named Hubby! We left devastated. Hubby loves J and the fact that she's dying and thinking that hurt! But worse...That is a violation of HIPPA...he most likely could be fired!
We didn't sleep. I stayed strong, but when I got to work I cried and cried. I told the friend that called about the accusation as I was on my way there and she said. J didn't think that on her own...Toxic M told her that your husband went in the chart and then told me what the bed sore looked like. I said I don't understand....a woman is sick in the hospital and you go there and tell her that her friends who care for her and help her are doing these awful things behind her back!? How does that help someone get better!? The friend says she will talk to the brother. I said no...the names been given the investigation is a go there is no point. The strange thing hubby could lose his job, but we are both so relieved that this didn't come from J and she doesn't think that hubby and I did this! I would hate for her to die thinking that. Hubby was so relieved, but he hates Toxic M. I'm on my way to see her. I will stay with her until my class. It's such a sad situation.
I told 2 people I trust at work about my diet. C and J . J has always had knee problems and she is morbid obese. Hubby gave her an injection of cortisone. He also went to her house to change some bandages when she came home from the ER after a nasty fall. J LOVES hubby ...always says he's a keeper. There is a toxic lady at my work who absolutely HATES me...I don't know why...honestly I don't really care, she's sick in the head this I know.
J fell at home almost 2 months ago...this time she was not found for 2 days, she had gone septic and her kidney and liver were shutting down. Off to the ER where she stayed for a while. Then she was improving so they sent her to a skilled rehab facility. Hubby and I visited her. She told our friend she had a bed sore and when we got there she asked John to change the bandage, he did. He made some adjustments to the bed, spoke to the nursing staff, got a phone in the room...that's why J loves hubby. When he changed the bandage I asked if she wanted me and our her/my other friend to leave the room...She adamantly said no. We stayed and what I saw brought tears to my eyes...a DEEP wound at the small of her back and down the top part of her butt 5 inches tall and 12 inches wide.
When I got to the car I asked hubbyabout it. He said he never saw someone with one that big live.
Then life got busy. I called to check on J and she seemed to be okay. She had visitors. M the toxic person who hates me was visiting and feeding her cats. One day I get a call from J. "Can you come to the hospital?" I was on the way to class. "Why are you at the hospital?" She answered "Its a long story can Hubby come?" I called Hubby...he couldn't go, but he called. She told him the rehab center was trying to kill her and that she called 911. They took her to the hospital. My friend asks me how J is doing...I say I'm not sure she was doing okay last I saw her. She just needs to make sure the bed sore doesn't get infected. A few days later she was released to a different rehab center in El Cajon. That's when I lost contact. The phone had issues...I didn't know where to go. Last week I learn she's back at the hospital. I plan to see her. Toxic M has been seeing her everyday. Yesterday my friend who was asking about her says she has 2 hours to live! I leave work. As I'm driving she my friends says I'm here and you should know they think your husband took a picture of the bedsore and he's showing it to everyone at the college. I said who thinks that? J and her brother. I get there and its tense the brother is looking at me funny. J is okay and glad to see me. She asks about hubby and I say he's working...he texts and I tell him I'm at the hospital. He comes and its tense, but J is glad to see him. The brother is really talking up hubby. Hubby gets the brother and his wife recliners to sleep in because J could make it thru the night. He helps the brother understand what all the things on J's wrist are and has the nurse cut off some of the restricting ones. As we are leaving the brother says "Thank you...you have been really helpful..you might be getting a call...in J's haze she told the me and the doctor that there were rumors at the college, do you know anything about Rumors? Hubby says no. Brother then says well the doctor asked who was spreading those rumors and she named Hubby! We left devastated. Hubby loves J and the fact that she's dying and thinking that hurt! But worse...That is a violation of HIPPA...he most likely could be fired!
We didn't sleep. I stayed strong, but when I got to work I cried and cried. I told the friend that called about the accusation as I was on my way there and she said. J didn't think that on her own...Toxic M told her that your husband went in the chart and then told me what the bed sore looked like. I said I don't understand....a woman is sick in the hospital and you go there and tell her that her friends who care for her and help her are doing these awful things behind her back!? How does that help someone get better!? The friend says she will talk to the brother. I said no...the names been given the investigation is a go there is no point. The strange thing hubby could lose his job, but we are both so relieved that this didn't come from J and she doesn't think that hubby and I did this! I would hate for her to die thinking that. Hubby was so relieved, but he hates Toxic M. I'm on my way to see her. I will stay with her until my class. It's such a sad situation.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Day 111, week 18
Okay here is where I'm at. First, I started blending my shakes with hot water. I don't know if that's a good thing or not...they recommended (KEY WORD THERE) that we don't mix with hot. I didn't ask why, but judging by the results I think it's because it lumps up into a rubbery consistency and sits on top or sinks to the bottom of the shake...some actually mixes. This for me is not a bad thing I seriously don't care. It's warm and I haven't been cold all day! WOOT! Now, hopefully it was not because it cooks out the nutrients or something...if that is the case I'm fucked, because there is NO way I am going back to cold shakes! I can't take the cold anymore!
The hunger. That is still there and I think it's in my head. At this point I have concerns about that. I was being told to listen to my body listen when it is full and had enough and when it is empty...What does it need? Food, Love? Attention? Water? At this point it's getting everything but the food. I had a shake yesterday when I "felt hungry" but I was still "hungry", so option B seems to be the only one...ignore the hunger. Ignore the actual cramping in my stomach, ignore the sounds...ignore the anxiety that I'm feeling, that is causing a tightness in my chest and a lump in my throat...ignore it. UG! Seems so wrong. Someone on my diet discussion board called the weight I have left vanity weight (a Jillian Michaels term) I guess the last 20 are the hardest to come off because the body wants to keep it. I'm 170 pounds! There is no vanity here. That's overweight by the BMI standard. 150 is the very tippy top of normal for my height. 129 would be actually normal, but with my bone structure there is no freakin way.
I tried to go to an OA meeting this weekend but no one ever called me back. I tried to go at lunch today and the person left me a message calling me back at the time I was supposed to go there. There is a meeting by John's work I can go to after work...I need to call first...if not I will have to wait until Thursday at lunch.
So that's about it...Pretty nuts aye?
The hunger. That is still there and I think it's in my head. At this point I have concerns about that. I was being told to listen to my body listen when it is full and had enough and when it is empty...What does it need? Food, Love? Attention? Water? At this point it's getting everything but the food. I had a shake yesterday when I "felt hungry" but I was still "hungry", so option B seems to be the only one...ignore the hunger. Ignore the actual cramping in my stomach, ignore the sounds...ignore the anxiety that I'm feeling, that is causing a tightness in my chest and a lump in my throat...ignore it. UG! Seems so wrong. Someone on my diet discussion board called the weight I have left vanity weight (a Jillian Michaels term) I guess the last 20 are the hardest to come off because the body wants to keep it. I'm 170 pounds! There is no vanity here. That's overweight by the BMI standard. 150 is the very tippy top of normal for my height. 129 would be actually normal, but with my bone structure there is no freakin way.
I tried to go to an OA meeting this weekend but no one ever called me back. I tried to go at lunch today and the person left me a message calling me back at the time I was supposed to go there. There is a meeting by John's work I can go to after work...I need to call first...if not I will have to wait until Thursday at lunch.
So that's about it...Pretty nuts aye?
Monday, October 10, 2011
Day 110. Week 18
Okay it's starting to get rough.
So, Friday I went back on 70 with an additional shake. I was good until about noon...then the steam left me. Sloth time. I went home and did nothing just as I had planned. I crashed early. Saturday I woke up feeling fresh and great! I made scotch eggs no problem. We went to a brewery with some friends and did a little tasting...not me of course. We went to Hunter steak house after dinner. I had my soup...no problem. We stayed up until about 11:30pm and I was fine. I woke Sunday feeling pretty good. It was beautiful outside and we had planned to watch a rugby game with our friends at the house. I wished we were walking around the lake instead. Then noon hit and I felt anxious. Our friends couldn't make it for the game so we watched it by ourselves together. I for some reason felt anxious. A lump in my throat and I didn't trust myself to be in the kitchen! That's new! I was hungry, insatiably hungry! I had a shake...then a soup...then a shake nothing worked. I was just hungry and anxious...maybe because I was hungry!
Today I started out okay but 2pm and I had that lump in my throat...I'm back to cold and I'm HUNGRY! One thing that works for me when I'm hungry I'm listening to this brainwave thing on my iPad. I wish they had a brainwave thing for the cold. That helps, but WTF? Why am I hungry?
I honestly think it's all in my head...the cold, the hunger all of it. I think maybe I'm afraid to get to my goal weight. Does that sound odd? It seems every since I got to 170 I've had trouble of some kind. I think its subconscious? But why? It just seems odd that at this point I'm having so much trouble. I don't know.
So, Friday I went back on 70 with an additional shake. I was good until about noon...then the steam left me. Sloth time. I went home and did nothing just as I had planned. I crashed early. Saturday I woke up feeling fresh and great! I made scotch eggs no problem. We went to a brewery with some friends and did a little tasting...not me of course. We went to Hunter steak house after dinner. I had my soup...no problem. We stayed up until about 11:30pm and I was fine. I woke Sunday feeling pretty good. It was beautiful outside and we had planned to watch a rugby game with our friends at the house. I wished we were walking around the lake instead. Then noon hit and I felt anxious. Our friends couldn't make it for the game so we watched it by ourselves together. I for some reason felt anxious. A lump in my throat and I didn't trust myself to be in the kitchen! That's new! I was hungry, insatiably hungry! I had a shake...then a soup...then a shake nothing worked. I was just hungry and anxious...maybe because I was hungry!
Today I started out okay but 2pm and I had that lump in my throat...I'm back to cold and I'm HUNGRY! One thing that works for me when I'm hungry I'm listening to this brainwave thing on my iPad. I wish they had a brainwave thing for the cold. That helps, but WTF? Why am I hungry?
I honestly think it's all in my head...the cold, the hunger all of it. I think maybe I'm afraid to get to my goal weight. Does that sound odd? It seems every since I got to 170 I've had trouble of some kind. I think its subconscious? But why? It just seems odd that at this point I'm having so much trouble. I don't know.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Day 107, starting week 18.
So you asked in your comment if the program peeps are okay with me jumping back and forth to 800 then 400...I'll get to that.
So I walk in last night and say I'd like to go to 70 (that's what they call the 400 cal one) They say you need to talk to the doctor. So before I do I jump on the scale just to see if I making much ado about nothing or something. If I lost 3 pounds or more I'll stay on the 800. On the scale I go...171. Are you fucking KIDDING ME?! I gained a pound!? Off I marched to see the doctor...no such luck I got the quack P.A that diagnosed me with vertigo. DAMMIT! Knock Knock though. I explain I want to go back to the 70 shakes. "Well why were you on the 800?" I explain that 2 weeks ago I was feeling dizzy and cold...I had even spoken to her about it, but I guess she didn't recall "Well how do you feel now?" she asked. I pause then answer "I FEEEL great, but I'm pretty pissed off. I haven't lost an ounce since I started the 800 in fact I gained! To top it off I AM STARVING ALL THE TIME!" She says "Have you been dizzy?" No. She asked "Have you been cold?" Nothing out of the norm I answer. Then she says, "Well it seems to be working. How would it work if we left you on the 800?" I answered "Its not working and I don't know how it would work because if I can't go back to the 70 shakes tonight I'm leaving...there is no way I'm paying $125 a week and starving myself one more week just to come back and see I gained another pound or LORD help US 2!" Her eyes got big and she quickly faced the computer and began typing. I was stretching my neck to see what she was typing. She was authorizing the 70 shakes. I said...I have more I want to discuss before you put that in. She keeps typing but her eye brow goes up. I see her typing that to help with the cold and dizziness patient will have 6 shakes instead of 5. I say "that's what I wanted to talk to you about! I'd like to have an extra shake and 2 of the broth soups" She says "oh yes you can." I stop. "Wait were you going to just put that in my record without discussing that option with me first?" She didn't answer but kept typing. "I said I don't appreciate that. I'm here to lose weight, but more important I'm here to get healthy...I don't like feeling bad. I think I have an idea what I need and I'm old enough that you can talk to me about what I need and I can take it into consideration" She answered, "You're all set, you can do the 70 shakes with one extra." I said will they let me buy an extra box or do you have to approve that. She needed to approve it, so she wrote in my chart I could buy one extra box. I said I will need an extra box every week. She sighed and wrote in my chart I could buy and extra box every week. Then she said, "I sent your husband an email about how long a patient's fracture needs to heal before they can go back to a limited diet he hasn't got back to me." I said oh okay I'll text him and remind him to check his work email. I don't like her!
To answer your question. If I choose to go to the 800 then I can go back. If I am forced to go on the 800 because I'm underweight...no the option is not mine. In this case they told me if it didn't work I could go back to the 70. Here is the thing...it's like starting over again. 2 days of total sloth lethargic mess. I'm out of ketosis, now I'm going back into ketosis. No one wants to go through that. People actually just stop usually because it's too much to go through the crazy hunger pains and lack of energy to get into Ketosis. I'm doing it right now but it SUCKS! So I'm not going back to 800 unless they make me.
Now for the kick in the ass! So I go to the desk and buy my shakes and one extra box. I then weigh in (I have to weigh in a print it on my check in sheet) 170.5...I lost a half a pound yelling at the PA. When I weighed in yesterday morning I was 164.4 and it had been stuck there for 2 weeks. When I got home last night with the same clothes on as I had on at the program my scale said 170.5. This morning naked I weigh myself...161. This is before I started the 70 shakes, so the 800 shakes worked...they just kicked in a day late...and now I get to go through hell. UGH!
The nice thing is I'll suffer through, but it should go faster. I hope.
So I walk in last night and say I'd like to go to 70 (that's what they call the 400 cal one) They say you need to talk to the doctor. So before I do I jump on the scale just to see if I making much ado about nothing or something. If I lost 3 pounds or more I'll stay on the 800. On the scale I go...171. Are you fucking KIDDING ME?! I gained a pound!? Off I marched to see the doctor...no such luck I got the quack P.A that diagnosed me with vertigo. DAMMIT! Knock Knock though. I explain I want to go back to the 70 shakes. "Well why were you on the 800?" I explain that 2 weeks ago I was feeling dizzy and cold...I had even spoken to her about it, but I guess she didn't recall "Well how do you feel now?" she asked. I pause then answer "I FEEEL great, but I'm pretty pissed off. I haven't lost an ounce since I started the 800 in fact I gained! To top it off I AM STARVING ALL THE TIME!" She says "Have you been dizzy?" No. She asked "Have you been cold?" Nothing out of the norm I answer. Then she says, "Well it seems to be working. How would it work if we left you on the 800?" I answered "Its not working and I don't know how it would work because if I can't go back to the 70 shakes tonight I'm leaving...there is no way I'm paying $125 a week and starving myself one more week just to come back and see I gained another pound or LORD help US 2!" Her eyes got big and she quickly faced the computer and began typing. I was stretching my neck to see what she was typing. She was authorizing the 70 shakes. I said...I have more I want to discuss before you put that in. She keeps typing but her eye brow goes up. I see her typing that to help with the cold and dizziness patient will have 6 shakes instead of 5. I say "that's what I wanted to talk to you about! I'd like to have an extra shake and 2 of the broth soups" She says "oh yes you can." I stop. "Wait were you going to just put that in my record without discussing that option with me first?" She didn't answer but kept typing. "I said I don't appreciate that. I'm here to lose weight, but more important I'm here to get healthy...I don't like feeling bad. I think I have an idea what I need and I'm old enough that you can talk to me about what I need and I can take it into consideration" She answered, "You're all set, you can do the 70 shakes with one extra." I said will they let me buy an extra box or do you have to approve that. She needed to approve it, so she wrote in my chart I could buy one extra box. I said I will need an extra box every week. She sighed and wrote in my chart I could buy and extra box every week. Then she said, "I sent your husband an email about how long a patient's fracture needs to heal before they can go back to a limited diet he hasn't got back to me." I said oh okay I'll text him and remind him to check his work email. I don't like her!
To answer your question. If I choose to go to the 800 then I can go back. If I am forced to go on the 800 because I'm underweight...no the option is not mine. In this case they told me if it didn't work I could go back to the 70. Here is the thing...it's like starting over again. 2 days of total sloth lethargic mess. I'm out of ketosis, now I'm going back into ketosis. No one wants to go through that. People actually just stop usually because it's too much to go through the crazy hunger pains and lack of energy to get into Ketosis. I'm doing it right now but it SUCKS! So I'm not going back to 800 unless they make me.
Now for the kick in the ass! So I go to the desk and buy my shakes and one extra box. I then weigh in (I have to weigh in a print it on my check in sheet) 170.5...I lost a half a pound yelling at the PA. When I weighed in yesterday morning I was 164.4 and it had been stuck there for 2 weeks. When I got home last night with the same clothes on as I had on at the program my scale said 170.5. This morning naked I weigh myself...161. This is before I started the 70 shakes, so the 800 shakes worked...they just kicked in a day late...and now I get to go through hell. UGH!
The nice thing is I'll suffer through, but it should go faster. I hope.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Day 105, finishing week 17
UGH! I'm going to bitch on here and I feel weird doing it considering you have pneumonia!
Okay 2 weeks ago went to the 800. Last Week I didn't lose an ounce. This week the scale appears to be stuck AGAIN. I'm spending way to much money on this and making way too big of a sacrifice (not eating) to not lose ANYTHING!
Today I looked at the 800 box it has over 100g of sugar! I have a carb intolerance *WTF?! Why is there so much SUGAR in something that is supposed to send you into ketosis!? No wonder I'm hungry ALL THE TIME!
So tomorrow loss or not I'm going back on the 400. I'm going to take an extra shake everyday and have both of the soups. It's going to be hard going from the creamy cake batter back to chocolate water, but I gotta do it. I'll never finish the program like this.
I have some silk long johns...I will be wearing the hell out of them!
Pneumonia...wow...get better!
Okay 2 weeks ago went to the 800. Last Week I didn't lose an ounce. This week the scale appears to be stuck AGAIN. I'm spending way to much money on this and making way too big of a sacrifice (not eating) to not lose ANYTHING!
Today I looked at the 800 box it has over 100g of sugar! I have a carb intolerance *WTF?! Why is there so much SUGAR in something that is supposed to send you into ketosis!? No wonder I'm hungry ALL THE TIME!
So tomorrow loss or not I'm going back on the 400. I'm going to take an extra shake everyday and have both of the soups. It's going to be hard going from the creamy cake batter back to chocolate water, but I gotta do it. I'll never finish the program like this.
I have some silk long johns...I will be wearing the hell out of them!
Pneumonia...wow...get better!
Friday, September 30, 2011
Sound Bites and stuff
So I owe you sound bites from the last meeting and the one last night. I'm skipping the ones from the meeting before last night...we had a sub and I got nothing out of it.
So sound bites from last night...a little tip when we go back to food. During maintenance I can buy 6 boxes of the shake...counselor recommends that I do that and when I go back to food and I have an anxiety attack (I have those about food) I need to do a "digestive reboot" basically just cut out food again and go back to shakes for a day.
Another tip...if you have a time of day where you just need to eat (for me that is 3pm) I just get spent at work and I'm tired, hungry and thirsty...I find myself at the snack machine getting something salty and then sweet...then when that doesn't satisfy it I go to the cafe and get a coffee with lots of sugar (those days are gone...) but if I get that urge at 3pm or 9:30...it hits me then too. I should just have a shake, nothing else until dinner, or at 9:30 (just go to bed!)
So they are cutting my group short. Instead of 20 weeks we are ending at 18. Then the new group comes into our group and they start their 20 weeks and I start all over again. So I told you I would tell you about the "other ways to lose weight" So there are 4, but to be completely honest I am only interested in 2. The first one is an open enrollment class I can start anytime it meets the same day and time as my class and I could go instead of my class. It's called Blast. (Become lean and start toning) I spend an hour combining walking, resistance training, yoga followed by a brief group connect. It's to get me started on a regular fitness routine. I have been getting up at 4:30 on the weekdays every other day and doing the callanetics (workout from hell) and my bike for 15 minutes. I also walk around the lake on weekends (about 4 miles). So I'm exercising. The other class is called Solutions : recovery from food addiction, this has been described to me as almost a collegiate program learning about the physiology of addictive responses in our brains and practice strategies for overcoming urges to binge eat. I binge eat. I plan to go to OA though, so I don't know what if anything I would get out of this. My other option...just stay in my class and go through it all again.
One thing I realized last night. Regardless of what I do...I have to do something every week for the rest of my life. I have to go to a booster class every week. I need to be held accountable and I need a group to answer to...its the only way I will succeed. That excites me (that I can see light at the end of the tunnel of how I can do this) and scares me (holy crap my life is never going to be relaxed about food again!)
So sound bites from last night...a little tip when we go back to food. During maintenance I can buy 6 boxes of the shake...counselor recommends that I do that and when I go back to food and I have an anxiety attack (I have those about food) I need to do a "digestive reboot" basically just cut out food again and go back to shakes for a day.
Another tip...if you have a time of day where you just need to eat (for me that is 3pm) I just get spent at work and I'm tired, hungry and thirsty...I find myself at the snack machine getting something salty and then sweet...then when that doesn't satisfy it I go to the cafe and get a coffee with lots of sugar (those days are gone...) but if I get that urge at 3pm or 9:30...it hits me then too. I should just have a shake, nothing else until dinner, or at 9:30 (just go to bed!)
So they are cutting my group short. Instead of 20 weeks we are ending at 18. Then the new group comes into our group and they start their 20 weeks and I start all over again. So I told you I would tell you about the "other ways to lose weight" So there are 4, but to be completely honest I am only interested in 2. The first one is an open enrollment class I can start anytime it meets the same day and time as my class and I could go instead of my class. It's called Blast. (Become lean and start toning) I spend an hour combining walking, resistance training, yoga followed by a brief group connect. It's to get me started on a regular fitness routine. I have been getting up at 4:30 on the weekdays every other day and doing the callanetics (workout from hell) and my bike for 15 minutes. I also walk around the lake on weekends (about 4 miles). So I'm exercising. The other class is called Solutions : recovery from food addiction, this has been described to me as almost a collegiate program learning about the physiology of addictive responses in our brains and practice strategies for overcoming urges to binge eat. I binge eat. I plan to go to OA though, so I don't know what if anything I would get out of this. My other option...just stay in my class and go through it all again.
One thing I realized last night. Regardless of what I do...I have to do something every week for the rest of my life. I have to go to a booster class every week. I need to be held accountable and I need a group to answer to...its the only way I will succeed. That excites me (that I can see light at the end of the tunnel of how I can do this) and scares me (holy crap my life is never going to be relaxed about food again!)
Day 99, week 16
So I talked to you before I went to class yesterday. Weigh in was to be expected. Gain nothing/lose nothing. I weighed 170. Oh well.
Counselor asked the burning question. Stay in program and meet a new group of people just entering the program or go to maintenance...2 of our peeps went to maintenance. The rest ( and there are only 10 of us left) are staying. I have 20 pounds to go. I hated the idea of doing it all again...that's when the counselor gave me a paper called "other ways to lose weight". It had a list of other classes I could do instead of group. They last between 8 and 12 weeks. I signed up to stay in the group BUT I may join one of these other groups. I will give a full description soon and you can help me decided.
In a way I really wanted to be done by now. In another I am a little relieved...I don't know how I would do eating during Halloween and Thanksgiving...
I helped set up a going away party today for a co worker. 3 cakes (one my favorite) fruit, chex mix...all yummy. I had no problem setting up but when I left my tummy was growling and it was an hour before I would have another shake. Tough! I try to think how I would handle that if I were eating and I find myself thankful that I'm not!
Talk to you soon with sound bites and definition of the paper. Will miss you at Disneyland. ;o(
Counselor asked the burning question. Stay in program and meet a new group of people just entering the program or go to maintenance...2 of our peeps went to maintenance. The rest ( and there are only 10 of us left) are staying. I have 20 pounds to go. I hated the idea of doing it all again...that's when the counselor gave me a paper called "other ways to lose weight". It had a list of other classes I could do instead of group. They last between 8 and 12 weeks. I signed up to stay in the group BUT I may join one of these other groups. I will give a full description soon and you can help me decided.
In a way I really wanted to be done by now. In another I am a little relieved...I don't know how I would do eating during Halloween and Thanksgiving...
I helped set up a going away party today for a co worker. 3 cakes (one my favorite) fruit, chex mix...all yummy. I had no problem setting up but when I left my tummy was growling and it was an hour before I would have another shake. Tough! I try to think how I would handle that if I were eating and I find myself thankful that I'm not!
Talk to you soon with sound bites and definition of the paper. Will miss you at Disneyland. ;o(
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Day 97, week 16
Well I love the shakes and soups. It is sooo nice to have a change. I still get a little cold, but nothing like before. The only down side...I get on the scale everyday and the needle not only has not gone down, but it went a pound UP! I'm on a period from hell right now. It was 6 days late (I thought it was going to stop) then it came with a vengeance! I'm thinking it is water. If I have any loss this week I will be amazed. I really don't care though. I'm comfortable and I'm not in a hurry. If I don't eat until after Thanksgiving that's okay as long as I get to my goal and I'm healthy. Yes, I will be in a class with a bunch of people just starting out, but maybe the fact that I had been through 20 weeks will be an asset to them. I have a lot of insight to offer.
I'm liking my size 12 pants. I'm going to miss them when I get to a size 10. Hopefully I can find some 10's as cute and these 12's.
I have soundbites. I will be putting them up soon. I'm getting a iPad in the next few weeks. I may get the blogger app and just put the soundbites up right there in class!
I haven't been working on the OA blog at all. I'm easily distracted. I started another blog...I may want your help with it. It's called From the backseat It is a blog about the little quips my kids or other people's kids have said in the past...kinda like kids say the darndest thing only most of the stuff I have heard come from the back seat of my car. If I get enough of them I think I may put a little book together someday and publish it. So start writing down the funny stuff your kids say too and I'll put it in (I'm already putting in the "I'm watching you...PENIS!")
So that's it for today! Can't wait to hit the BIG D!
I'm liking my size 12 pants. I'm going to miss them when I get to a size 10. Hopefully I can find some 10's as cute and these 12's.
I have soundbites. I will be putting them up soon. I'm getting a iPad in the next few weeks. I may get the blogger app and just put the soundbites up right there in class!
I haven't been working on the OA blog at all. I'm easily distracted. I started another blog...I may want your help with it. It's called From the backseat It is a blog about the little quips my kids or other people's kids have said in the past...kinda like kids say the darndest thing only most of the stuff I have heard come from the back seat of my car. If I get enough of them I think I may put a little book together someday and publish it. So start writing down the funny stuff your kids say too and I'll put it in (I'm already putting in the "I'm watching you...PENIS!")
So that's it for today! Can't wait to hit the BIG D!
Friday, September 23, 2011
Day 93, week 15
So lots of changes.
First off. I weighed in at 170 last night so that made up for the half a pound I lost last week!
I went to see the PA again when I got to the class. It was a different PA...a smarter PA. I told her I was still getting dizzy and I was still cold. She looked at me and said how much do you weigh? I said 170. She said you don't have enough fat to burn to be on the 400 calorie shake...its as simple as that. I'm surprised you are still losing...usually your body goes back to storing fat at this point. You need to go on a higher calorie shake...the cold is low blood pressure. You can have 2 soups in lieu of shakes...you need to do that. Don't add soy sauce just eat the soup. It was a simple as that.
So I went and got the shakes (1 chocolate, 1 vanilla, 1 strawberry) and the soups (1 garden tomatoe and 1 creamy chicken).
I had my first shakes and soups today. I have a TON of energy, I'm not hungry at all and I'm not cold! I rode my bike (stationary) another 11 miles last night. I'm excited. I don't care if this slows down my weight loss I feel great! The first shake was vanilla. I put my cinnamon tea and caramel syrup in it and had it for breakfast...it was thicker like the consistency of cake batter and it tasted like cake batter! Then I had my strawberry with the raspberry tea...eh. It was good but nothing to write about...I'm going to try strawberry banana tomorrow. Then I had my soup! It was thick and tasted like canned tomato soup, a bit bland for my taste so I added chipotle powder and YUM!!!!! Then I had my chocolate peanut butter, but I added a squirt of chocolate syrup...I'm leaving the chocolate syrup out next time. I have the creamy soup later tonight. I can't wait! They said I could have a bar (like an optifast candy bar) instead of a soup or shake...I don't want that. Chewing and swallowing is too much like eating and I know me...I'd be tempted to chew and swallow other foods!
So that's the deal. Exciting!
First off. I weighed in at 170 last night so that made up for the half a pound I lost last week!
I went to see the PA again when I got to the class. It was a different PA...a smarter PA. I told her I was still getting dizzy and I was still cold. She looked at me and said how much do you weigh? I said 170. She said you don't have enough fat to burn to be on the 400 calorie shake...its as simple as that. I'm surprised you are still losing...usually your body goes back to storing fat at this point. You need to go on a higher calorie shake...the cold is low blood pressure. You can have 2 soups in lieu of shakes...you need to do that. Don't add soy sauce just eat the soup. It was a simple as that.
So I went and got the shakes (1 chocolate, 1 vanilla, 1 strawberry) and the soups (1 garden tomatoe and 1 creamy chicken).
I had my first shakes and soups today. I have a TON of energy, I'm not hungry at all and I'm not cold! I rode my bike (stationary) another 11 miles last night. I'm excited. I don't care if this slows down my weight loss I feel great! The first shake was vanilla. I put my cinnamon tea and caramel syrup in it and had it for breakfast...it was thicker like the consistency of cake batter and it tasted like cake batter! Then I had my strawberry with the raspberry tea...eh. It was good but nothing to write about...I'm going to try strawberry banana tomorrow. Then I had my soup! It was thick and tasted like canned tomato soup, a bit bland for my taste so I added chipotle powder and YUM!!!!! Then I had my chocolate peanut butter, but I added a squirt of chocolate syrup...I'm leaving the chocolate syrup out next time. I have the creamy soup later tonight. I can't wait! They said I could have a bar (like an optifast candy bar) instead of a soup or shake...I don't want that. Chewing and swallowing is too much like eating and I know me...I'd be tempted to chew and swallow other foods!
So that's the deal. Exciting!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
This thing just BURNED me!
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| I brought this to work and did it for 15 minutes and when I went to put it away the metal part of the pedal burned my finger! How crazy is that?! |
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Day 91, week 15
I hear what you're saying. I didn't do this because of what people think.
I guess doing the homework and all that stuff again can't hurt...for you (and me) it will be deja vu.
So, there is a new thing running me. We are getting to that point where people notice the weight loss. I didn't want to tell anyone I was doing the optifast because...well you know. People are really starting to ask. It goes like this. "Wow! You look like you have lost a ton of weight! How much have you lost?" I answer "Around 40 pounds" Them "How did you do it...are you still losing?" I answer "Oh, I've been really watching what I don't eat." Them..."oh come on! Just changing what you eat?! No pills, no surgery!?" Me: "I take a vitamin everyday, but that's the only pill...no surgery"
Then the people at work: "You look like you have lost a lot of weight?! Are you doing that liquid diet again?!" Me: "I am." Them "you look fine are you still doing it? When do you stop?" Me: "When I'm done." Them: "Well be careful..blah blah blah..." So now I have a group of people who say right when they see me "Are you eating yet?!" or "When do you get to eat?"
I'm getting really sick of it. I couldn't seem to not hear it yesterday...it seemed like everyone. So today I put on baggy pants and a sweatshirt. hubby got mad. "You have worked so hard to get your body where you want it and you're going to hide it because you don't want to hear the comments?!" Yes! I'm tired of the questions and the comments! Did you go through that with the surgery? It's different I guess...no one accused you of being anorexic. I get told that all the time..I'm 175 freakin pounds! I'm FAR from anorexic!
Anyway, I have started to tell people that it bothers me when they ask me when do I get to eat. It's hard enough not eating but being reminded of the fact that there really is a very dim light at the end of my food tunnel right now isn't helping. I'm hoping they respect that. But what I really want to say is "NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!" Why do they want to know? So when I start eating if I gain a pound they can say something?! When did talking about my body become acceptable?! I didn't come to them and say hey I'm on a diet! Watch me get skinny and feel free to comment whenever you feel like it about what you think of the whole thing!!! I invited 2 people...you and John and John is limited to only saying positive things! You of course have the purple pass.
I'm getting cranky about the whole thing if you couldn't tell. Maybe its my period...this week sucks...I'm still depangry and now I'm bitchy! On a positive note...I haven't got dizzy all day! I may be able to hold off on the 800 another week! Woo Hoo!
I guess doing the homework and all that stuff again can't hurt...for you (and me) it will be deja vu.
So, there is a new thing running me. We are getting to that point where people notice the weight loss. I didn't want to tell anyone I was doing the optifast because...well you know. People are really starting to ask. It goes like this. "Wow! You look like you have lost a ton of weight! How much have you lost?" I answer "Around 40 pounds" Them "How did you do it...are you still losing?" I answer "Oh, I've been really watching what I don't eat." Them..."oh come on! Just changing what you eat?! No pills, no surgery!?" Me: "I take a vitamin everyday, but that's the only pill...no surgery"
Then the people at work: "You look like you have lost a lot of weight?! Are you doing that liquid diet again?!" Me: "I am." Them "you look fine are you still doing it? When do you stop?" Me: "When I'm done." Them: "Well be careful..blah blah blah..." So now I have a group of people who say right when they see me "Are you eating yet?!" or "When do you get to eat?"
I'm getting really sick of it. I couldn't seem to not hear it yesterday...it seemed like everyone. So today I put on baggy pants and a sweatshirt. hubby got mad. "You have worked so hard to get your body where you want it and you're going to hide it because you don't want to hear the comments?!" Yes! I'm tired of the questions and the comments! Did you go through that with the surgery? It's different I guess...no one accused you of being anorexic. I get told that all the time..I'm 175 freakin pounds! I'm FAR from anorexic!
Anyway, I have started to tell people that it bothers me when they ask me when do I get to eat. It's hard enough not eating but being reminded of the fact that there really is a very dim light at the end of my food tunnel right now isn't helping. I'm hoping they respect that. But what I really want to say is "NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!" Why do they want to know? So when I start eating if I gain a pound they can say something?! When did talking about my body become acceptable?! I didn't come to them and say hey I'm on a diet! Watch me get skinny and feel free to comment whenever you feel like it about what you think of the whole thing!!! I invited 2 people...you and John and John is limited to only saying positive things! You of course have the purple pass.
I'm getting cranky about the whole thing if you couldn't tell. Maybe its my period...this week sucks...I'm still depangry and now I'm bitchy! On a positive note...I haven't got dizzy all day! I may be able to hold off on the 800 another week! Woo Hoo!
Monday, September 19, 2011
Day 89 week 15
Okay. This whole stay in the class/don't stay in the class go to maintenance has been running me. I talked to hubby and as we walked around the lake yesterday we came to the conclusion I should stay in. I'm gonna be THAT girl! Here is how we came to it. Maintenance is to MAINTAIN...I don't want to maintain 160. The program knows their scale is 7 pounds off. That's okay because when you go back to food...you gain weight so ya you end the class underweight and then during maintenance you gain a little and then you maintain. I need to go into maintenance a little under weight, then gain the water back that will be retained the minute I eat something solid. Then I maintain my goal 150-155.
Making that decision has helped immensely. I'm not stressing anymore...its a huge weight lifted off my shoulders...now I have other what if scenarios...what if the whole class ignores me and hates me? What if I get my counselor from 8 years ago back...he's still there...I see him all the time...he kinda recognizes me. I will only in the class 4 weeks tops. I'm building up my exercise. I'm hoping to lose more that 2.5 each week so I can go to maintenance and not do the class but if I'm 155 or more...I'm staying in the class period.
So I'm in a size loose 12. I think I only got to be in them for 2 weeks! I'm shopping for 10's now. I may hit the thrift store this next weekend if time permits. I bid on a "lot" of jeans size 10 on ebay ($11 was my max bid) I'm cheap...besides what if I hate all of them? Not ready to shop for 8's just yet. I'm looking for a Halloween costume. The boobs necessitate a large no matter what, so that makes things easy. Shopping for a Christmas party dress is a nightmare. What size will I be in December?!
So adding soy sauce to my now 2 soups per day is helping with the cold wonderfully. I still wear my jacket at work, but my teeth aren't chattering. I started feeling cold today but had already eaten my soup. I had a cup of hot tea (caffeinated) it didn't help. I drank a packet of soy sauce...gagged, but now I feel fine. YUCKY. I wish I could find a nice tasting no calories salty thing.
I'm indecisive about next week I am thinking of going on the optifast 800. It won't slow down the weight loss I will just have issues with hunger. There are some carbs in that so it causes your body to go out of ketosis a little. I think that will help with the dizziness. I still have that pretty bad, the salt is doing nothing for that.
Making that decision has helped immensely. I'm not stressing anymore...its a huge weight lifted off my shoulders...now I have other what if scenarios...what if the whole class ignores me and hates me? What if I get my counselor from 8 years ago back...he's still there...I see him all the time...he kinda recognizes me. I will only in the class 4 weeks tops. I'm building up my exercise. I'm hoping to lose more that 2.5 each week so I can go to maintenance and not do the class but if I'm 155 or more...I'm staying in the class period.
So I'm in a size loose 12. I think I only got to be in them for 2 weeks! I'm shopping for 10's now. I may hit the thrift store this next weekend if time permits. I bid on a "lot" of jeans size 10 on ebay ($11 was my max bid) I'm cheap...besides what if I hate all of them? Not ready to shop for 8's just yet. I'm looking for a Halloween costume. The boobs necessitate a large no matter what, so that makes things easy. Shopping for a Christmas party dress is a nightmare. What size will I be in December?!
So adding soy sauce to my now 2 soups per day is helping with the cold wonderfully. I still wear my jacket at work, but my teeth aren't chattering. I started feeling cold today but had already eaten my soup. I had a cup of hot tea (caffeinated) it didn't help. I drank a packet of soy sauce...gagged, but now I feel fine. YUCKY. I wish I could find a nice tasting no calories salty thing.
I'm indecisive about next week I am thinking of going on the optifast 800. It won't slow down the weight loss I will just have issues with hunger. There are some carbs in that so it causes your body to go out of ketosis a little. I think that will help with the dizziness. I still have that pretty bad, the salt is doing nothing for that.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Day 86 ending week (I had it wrong) 14
13 weeks without food technically.
I am so depressed! I'll just start there. Okay...actually maybe I'm mad...I need to start naming my feelings...I am a mix of depressed and mad...I'm depangry! Okay lets start with the PA visit.
The PA at Optifast is a mother freaking MORAN...I'm angry about that. I saw her yesterday and explained that I am cold...not just cold but BONE CHILLING COLD! Oh ya and I'm dizzy. The cold she excused away saying I've lost over an inch of fat everywhere that served as my insulation...um okay but I'm still cold! My dizziness...that's vertigo. WTF? She wants me in the morning to sit on the bed, lay to the right and then quickly lay to the left...then while the world is spinning I need to focus on a set object. This will desensitize me. I told hubby this and he laughed hysterically..."she doesn't have a clue of what she is talking about...you are volume depleted! Your blood pressure is low, you're cold so all the blood is at your core and not going to your brain!" Thank you Dr. ...that helps so much...I have so much faith in my medically supervised diet now!
Depressed (but relieved) I did my thyroid test. Normal. UGH! Phew...but what the hell?
Then I got on the scale I lost .5 pounds. Depressed. Granted I'm wearing heavy clothes to keep me warm and my bladder was full. I took my jacket off to weigh. When I got home I again had a full bladder. I got on the scale with my jacket. It said 176.4 (okay so my jacket weighs 1.4 pounds) then I peed...got back on the scale I was 174.6! I must have a HUGE bladder! 2 pounds of pee! So...take off the jacket and my weight is 173.2 so that's 2.5 pounds lost, but it's too creative and as far as the "official scale at Optifast" it says 175.
Then the counselor ended the session saying well kids this is week 14. At week 16 (2 weeks from now) I'm going to ask the burning question...what do you want to do? Do you want to go to maintenance or stay with the full fast program until you reach goal? A million thoughts raced through my mind and I had been thinking about this before! In 2 weeks I will lose maybe 5 more pounds...that's 170...I want to be 150! By week 20 I will be if all goes well on the scale...160...that's just 10 pounds from goal...but I want to get to goal! If I stay in the program I'm gonna be a joke...I will join with all new members who have at least 50 pounds to lose. I know how I felt about N ...she was a little 24 year old that came to the first 8 classes...she started at 180 and looked like I do now...(I don't look like I'm 175...today someone guessed my weight at 150) When she walked in and said she was doing the full fast a lady leaned over to me and said sarcastically, "ya...she really needs to be here..." I don't want to be THAT GIRL! If I start maintenance at 160 what? Do I stay there?! I don't want to be there. Ugh add indecisive to my depangry status.
I told the counselor that I spoke to the PA and what the PA had said...she agreed about the cold, but did not agree with the dizzy diagnosis or strategy. I told her I'm borderline anemic...she told me to get my iron checked next class. I hope that's it...I can take iron...it just makes my poop black and pooping happens so infrequent that I don't think I will mind.
I am so depressed! I'll just start there. Okay...actually maybe I'm mad...I need to start naming my feelings...I am a mix of depressed and mad...I'm depangry! Okay lets start with the PA visit.
The PA at Optifast is a mother freaking MORAN...I'm angry about that. I saw her yesterday and explained that I am cold...not just cold but BONE CHILLING COLD! Oh ya and I'm dizzy. The cold she excused away saying I've lost over an inch of fat everywhere that served as my insulation...um okay but I'm still cold! My dizziness...that's vertigo. WTF? She wants me in the morning to sit on the bed, lay to the right and then quickly lay to the left...then while the world is spinning I need to focus on a set object. This will desensitize me. I told hubby this and he laughed hysterically..."she doesn't have a clue of what she is talking about...you are volume depleted! Your blood pressure is low, you're cold so all the blood is at your core and not going to your brain!" Thank you Dr. ...that helps so much...I have so much faith in my medically supervised diet now!
Depressed (but relieved) I did my thyroid test. Normal. UGH! Phew...but what the hell?
Then I got on the scale I lost .5 pounds. Depressed. Granted I'm wearing heavy clothes to keep me warm and my bladder was full. I took my jacket off to weigh. When I got home I again had a full bladder. I got on the scale with my jacket. It said 176.4 (okay so my jacket weighs 1.4 pounds) then I peed...got back on the scale I was 174.6! I must have a HUGE bladder! 2 pounds of pee! So...take off the jacket and my weight is 173.2 so that's 2.5 pounds lost, but it's too creative and as far as the "official scale at Optifast" it says 175.
Then the counselor ended the session saying well kids this is week 14. At week 16 (2 weeks from now) I'm going to ask the burning question...what do you want to do? Do you want to go to maintenance or stay with the full fast program until you reach goal? A million thoughts raced through my mind and I had been thinking about this before! In 2 weeks I will lose maybe 5 more pounds...that's 170...I want to be 150! By week 20 I will be if all goes well on the scale...160...that's just 10 pounds from goal...but I want to get to goal! If I stay in the program I'm gonna be a joke...I will join with all new members who have at least 50 pounds to lose. I know how I felt about N ...she was a little 24 year old that came to the first 8 classes...she started at 180 and looked like I do now...(I don't look like I'm 175...today someone guessed my weight at 150) When she walked in and said she was doing the full fast a lady leaned over to me and said sarcastically, "ya...she really needs to be here..." I don't want to be THAT GIRL! If I start maintenance at 160 what? Do I stay there?! I don't want to be there. Ugh add indecisive to my depangry status.
I told the counselor that I spoke to the PA and what the PA had said...she agreed about the cold, but did not agree with the dizzy diagnosis or strategy. I told her I'm borderline anemic...she told me to get my iron checked next class. I hope that's it...I can take iron...it just makes my poop black and pooping happens so infrequent that I don't think I will mind.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Day 84 in week 12
Holy crap! I am FREEZING to death! It is 71 degrees in my office right now. I have jeans and a jacket on. At the base of my desk I have a space heater going full blast and my calf is pressed up against it!
I called my doctor and asked if I could get my thyroid checked he said yes. It was normal in May, but WTF? I seriously don't like this. If this is a side effect of the diet I'll just deal, but it's pretty unbearable. I have a total intolerance to AC.
When I go in tomorrow I may ask to speak to the advise nurse. I have a plethora of issues. The big one is this friggin cold spell! I also need them to know that every time I bend down passed my waist and come back up I nearly pass out...not liking that. John is taking my blood pressure regularly and it seems normal. I wanted to wait til I got to 170 before going to the 800, but it may be sooner.
My last weigh in was 175.5. I had to go in on Friday because my class was canceled on Thursday due to some guy unplugging all of southern California on accident.
Other than all those complaints I'm doing well. Lot of people noticing the weight loss now. Some co-workers are concerned I am going to look like a meth addict again...I am assuring them I won't let that happen. Only a hand full know that I don't eat. I saw Rosie this weekend. She said I was skinny 4 times...the fourth time she looked at me suspiciously and said GIRL! YOU PREGNANT!
Huh? Don't you gain weight when you're pregnant?
I called my doctor and asked if I could get my thyroid checked he said yes. It was normal in May, but WTF? I seriously don't like this. If this is a side effect of the diet I'll just deal, but it's pretty unbearable. I have a total intolerance to AC.
When I go in tomorrow I may ask to speak to the advise nurse. I have a plethora of issues. The big one is this friggin cold spell! I also need them to know that every time I bend down passed my waist and come back up I nearly pass out...not liking that. John is taking my blood pressure regularly and it seems normal. I wanted to wait til I got to 170 before going to the 800, but it may be sooner.
My last weigh in was 175.5. I had to go in on Friday because my class was canceled on Thursday due to some guy unplugging all of southern California on accident.
Other than all those complaints I'm doing well. Lot of people noticing the weight loss now. Some co-workers are concerned I am going to look like a meth addict again...I am assuring them I won't let that happen. Only a hand full know that I don't eat. I saw Rosie this weekend. She said I was skinny 4 times...the fourth time she looked at me suspiciously and said GIRL! YOU PREGNANT!
Huh? Don't you gain weight when you're pregnant?
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Day 77-The sound bites I promised
Exercise keeps the endorphins up that leads (drives) the motivation. hubby and I walked 3 miles at the lake both Saturday and Sunday. We were going to walk on Tuesday after work and today...but I'm beat!
Fake it til you make it...she keeps saying that one.
She thinks some of us may have a gluten intolerance. That can make you coo coo. Her words.
We talked about owning our feelings...I'll try and recreate the drawing.
Fake it til you make it...she keeps saying that one.
She thinks some of us may have a gluten intolerance. That can make you coo coo. Her words.
We talked about owning our feelings...I'll try and recreate the drawing.
I own it
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I throw it away
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Positive
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(compliment) THANK YOU
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(Compliment) You need glasses
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Negative
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(You are laid off) You are a bad worker
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(You are laid off) The economy sucks and funds ran out.
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Basically what we hear and tell ourselves when someone says something positive or negative to us. The two boxes that tend to fill up the positive things we throw away and the negative things we own.
Take note to how you talk to yourself. Note how it brings you down...how it takes away your joy.
Where did I learn that I don't deserve joy and happiness.
Make a choice to believe the strangers and not believe my mom and sister. I deserve to like my new body.
Take ownership of the good things in my life.
Be in the moment don't worry about when I go back to food...enjoy this moment (many people have anxiety about eating right now we just passed the halfway point)
"I was good today" saying that lets food dictate your feelings. You feel how you want and choose how you feed yourself independent of your feelings.
When you decide you deserve goodness you will take care of yourself and only feed yourself good. Don't feed yourself junk!
Stop talking bad about yourself even if you don't believe it (fake it til you make it)
Grieve what you didn't have. A loving caring father. For me I need to feel the grief of not having a father period and grieve that my mom was emotionally unavailable.
So the class was on body image. We took a test. The highest you could score was a 36...that meant you absolutely hated your body. I scored a 17. So I guess that leaves me indifferent to my body. I don't hate it...I don't love it...it is what it is.
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