Day 127, last day of week 20

On the scale this morning naked and dehydrated 155.4...I wonder what that means on the scale at the program...we shall see.  I'm almost there I can feel it.

So I had a long talk with hubby about EVERYTHING last night.  Here is my conundrum.  I have 3 guides right now.

1. The program which teaches everything in moderation.
2. OA which teaches abstinence.
3. The book the program had me read which teaches us not to deprive ourselves, to set realistic and attainable goals.

Here is the conundrum where do I fit in that?  If I don't deprive myself I will binge.  I am an addict and the foods I covet are my trigger foods.  If I do not abstain I will eat one and lose control, end of story fat lady get to singing.  No moderation.  If I deprive myself at some point I will rebel against my own body!  Because its not realistic to never eat sugar and flour again.  So John and I talked it out and I let him make a lot of the suggestions because as an addict my self talk is very strong!  I am a binge planner...serious.  Here is an example.  The girl scout comes to my work.  I buy 6 boxes of thin mints.  I put 2 in the freezer at work.  I bring home 4 boxes to my family because I love them so.  The next day I stop in the morning and get a bag of hot cheeto fries, a box of lucky charms and a half gallon of milk.  At my desk I eat a HUGE bowl of Lucky charms for breakfast...because today is my binge day!  I may even have 2 or 3 bowls.  I need to try and eat as much as I can because tomorrow...tomorrow is not a binge day and I can't eat them, plus I will have to throw away what I don't eat because I have to get rid of the evidence!  Lunch time.  Grab a sandwich to go with my bag of hot fries which I have been snacking on all morning with my frozen thin mints.  Continue to snack on those two items salty sweet, salty sweet all day go home and have dinner with John.  Eat like a bird because I'm nearly ready to burst and John is none the wiser of the horrible thing I did to my body today.  The next day is a normal day.

I confessed my binge tactics to Hubby about a month ago.  He's on it.  One of my OA abstentions that is realistic and attainable is not eating standing up, not eating at a desk or in the car.  No distracted eating.

Here is where I'm nervous.  I thought one day every 6 months...Hubby said one day every 3 months.  Set a date...write it down...its not any day associated with anything so it's not an emotional eating day.  That is my day to eat what I like...not how I like, no eating standing up, no distracted eating at my desk or in the car.  That day is a day I can have whatever I want however much I want.  The next day I go on shakes and I stay there for 3 days then go to my regular controlled meal plan of limited carbs.  I'm nervous because it sounds like a binge plan, but I have to not deprive myself and I need to do things in moderation MOST OF THE TIME and this would fit that need.  John thinks that after 9 months I may find myself saying you know I only need to do my day 1 time every 6 months or a year...I may not like having to feel worn down the day after the food day and going to shakes so I may decide 3 months is too often, but better to start at 3 and not "set myself up for failure" as John put it. 

The OA I am liking, but the lack of crosstalk and feedback is baffling to me.  Hubby says that's the whole concept, but I'm having trouble with it.  I told him it feels like organized religion and that scares me a little...he said it is totally organized something!  Right now I go to a Tuesday class at lunch.  I'm thinking I may go to the Thursday class...that is a more structured step study class.  I think I need that.  I need to understand this more.  The problem with Thursday is that I have a union meeting downtown the Thursday of every month so I will miss some meetings, but maybe those weeks I will go on the Tuesday just so I don't disconnect. 

Then there is the exercise.  There's curves which I'm wondering if that's enough.  30 minutes 3 times a week!?  Doesn't seem like it would do much.  Ex mom in law wants me to go back to LA fitness water aerobics, but I didn't even breath hard in that class.  I love my walks around the lake on the weekends, but that's not consistent enough.  I hate my bike!  I hate it I hate it I hate it.  Doing it at home is also too much of a distraction.  There is just too much to do at home.  Maybe I need to just set time aside for ME 3 nights per week for a slotted time frame of 1 hour.  Do the Wii//bike from hell and my OA step study.  Then go to my program Thursday nights to keep me accountable.  I think that is what has to happen.  My program says to set attainable realistic goals.  I think I can do that.  1 hour appointments for me 3 nights a week.  I'll put them in a calendar like I do my class and not book anything in that time period.  It's worth a try.