Day 111, week 18

Okay here is where I'm at.  First, I started blending my shakes with hot water.  I don't know if that's a good thing or not...they recommended (KEY WORD THERE) that we don't mix with hot.  I didn't ask why, but judging by the results I think it's because it lumps up into a rubbery consistency and sits on top or sinks to the bottom of the shake...some actually mixes.  This for me is not a bad thing I seriously don't care.  It's warm and I haven't been cold all day!  WOOT!  Now, hopefully it was not because it cooks out the nutrients or something...if that is the case I'm fucked, because there is NO way I am going back to cold shakes!  I can't take the cold anymore!

The hunger.  That is still there and I think it's in my head.  At this point I have concerns about that.  I was being told to listen to my body listen when it is full and had enough and when it is empty...What does it need?  Food, Love? Attention? Water?  At this point it's getting everything but the food.  I had a shake yesterday when I "felt hungry" but I was still "hungry", so option B seems to be the only one...ignore the hunger.  Ignore the actual cramping in my stomach, ignore the sounds...ignore the anxiety that I'm feeling, that is causing a tightness in my chest and a lump in my throat...ignore it.  UG!  Seems so wrong.  Someone on my diet discussion board called the weight I have left vanity weight (a Jillian Michaels term)  I guess the last 20 are the hardest to come off because the body wants to keep it.  I'm 170 pounds!  There is no vanity here.  That's overweight by the BMI standard.  150 is the very tippy top of normal for my height.  129 would be actually normal, but with my bone structure there is no freakin way.

I tried to go to an OA meeting this weekend but no one ever called me back.  I tried to go at lunch today and the person left me a message calling me back at the time I was supposed to go there.  There is a meeting by John's work I can go to after work...I need to call first...if not I will have to wait until Thursday at lunch.

So that's about it...Pretty nuts aye?