Day 141, start of week 23

Okay so I lost 1 pound at weigh in.  THAT is okay!  I was really worried that with the food intro I would gain!  When I got on the scale naked this morning 148.8.  My counselor said "Pick a scale"  I like what my scale says in the morning so I pick that one (Picachu I choose YOU!)

I think the texting thing is going to be AWESOME!  If nothing else it will bring us even closer together (as if that could happen, but I already feel closer to you just from sharing this blog with you and now the texts)

Yesterday was such a bizarre day.  I felt almost manic!  I got to the class knowing I needed to see the P.A about the potassium, the nutritionist about the bread/milk thing and that I needed to do blood work.  Top that with "oh my GOD what will I weigh now that I broke the seal?".  I get to the program and check in, get on the scale...1 pound loss (disappointed, but not really did I expect to lose 5 pounds and eat?!)  I do my blood work and then go to the room where the dietician is.  There is a lady in there and I start to tell her my concern..she says the dietician isn't here after 5:30 (its 5:45) but she can help me and takes me to her office.  I sound like a nut I am sure.  I tell her my food addiction stuff, what I am abstaining from.  She says you know just do yogurt and for the bread you can have corn tortilla, potatoes...I shake my head...really that is too many carbs.  Her eyes narrow and she says you know what would help you?  Steven's food addiction class (I was contemplating his class before I decided to re-up for the 20 weeks)  I said okay.  She tells me that this week would be the last week to be able to sign up so that was serendipitous...now go tell Sherri tonight tonight will be your last night in her class.  There is a weight in my stomach as soon as that last line leaves her mouth.  Mouse like I say okay and head to class.  When Sherri comes in I talk to her.  I tell her what was said, my concerns and she says "Nib, I know you.  This is not about the food addiction stuff...this is your anxiety stuff.  You are afraid of food, of losing control.  You are afraid if you eat the carbs you'll lose control.  Take what you have learned in the class and put it to work.  If you want to leave this class I won't stop you, but I would recommend you sleep on it."  As soon as she said that I knew.  This is NOT about my carb stuff.  I am afraid to eat bread and milk...I know that with veg and meat I can sneak a little more than they say (I hadn't until last night) and it would not effect anything because of the chemical stuff going on with the ketosis, but milk and bread throw me out of ketosis and I can't sneak large quantities...calories count!  Steven's class loops every 8 weeks.  If I really want to go to that class I can go after I get my shit together in Sherri's class. She's right.

So.  I am still going to low carb it...not because I want to eat whatever I want but because I just feel better, but I'm going to stick with the program and follow the guidelines...if that means I'm out of ketosis then ok.  I am going to stay in Sherri's class. When I came home and talked to Hubby he said this is a no brainer.  Sherri knows you...she's got your number!

So what the hell happened last night!?  Youngest son wanted to get a midnight release of a game.  We were all tired (only son had a nap) and I had a very draining day.  Hubby took son to get the game at 11:45pm.  I found myself alone.  At first all was fine.  I did my farmville, but when I had nothing left to plant I suddenly found myself in front of the refrigerator with a bag of grilled chicken in my hand!  I ate it!  Thinking oh no!  I have to text beans now...the FIRST NIGHT and she hasn't even agreed to do it!  WTF?!  Then I was a crazy woman...what else can I have?  There they were in the back of the fridge and I saw the 0.  Pickles have 0 calories!  This could be dangerous.  I ate one.  It didn't even taste that good but I still continued to eat it with a fork and knife.  Half the pickle gone and I stopped.  This is stupid.  I'm not hungry...I'm tired, I'm cold, I'm alone...I'M ALONE!  That is what this is about.  I put the other half of the pickle in the jar picked up my iPad and layed down to read a book.  Calm under my electric blanket.  Hubby came home and to bed we went.  I really need to work through this alone shit some more!