Getting closer to quittin time

It's October.  Yesterday I felt my anxiety surge as I turned the calendar page to 1 of October.  I know I have to stop running, but I really don't want to.  My hips complain after I run.  I now have pain.  I still love it.  It doesn't hurt when I run...just after but it's a very bad pain.  Like my hip is on fire.  I keep telling myself that when I start cycling I will have the same feeling I get when I run, but I don't know.  I now own a treadmill and a stationary bike and I hate them both.  I'll use them in a pinch, but I HATE THEM!  I want to be outside.  I do enjoy the elliptical at the Gym.  I could do that all day.  I may dump both my machines and get an elliptical.

So many races coming up after my zombie and light the night race.  There's the electric run...that looks soo cool its at night and you wear florescent clothing and glow sticks or glowing body paint.  They light the run with black lights.  There's the turkey trot...so you can do Thanksgiving guilt free.  Peppermint run...you guessed it...Christmas guilt free.  Then there is the Mud run and the Spartan run.  Mud of course is just that, but the Spartan run is an 8 mile course with obstacles and I'm excited about it.  It's in April.  I've looked high and low only 2 runs in October and I'm doing them.  I'd like to just do those runs that I mentioned but that's how you sustain injuries by running without training.

I'm doing a nice balance with the gym and Hubby.  I go right after work and I do my run first thing Saturday morning and after work on Thursday; neither impact him.  My sister started going to the gym with me on Mondays...that's HUGE.  She won't do anything aerobic, just weights.  It's been good for me though.  We often have some kind of spat throughout the week and then I don't see her and it builds.  Then I see her and I see how depressed she's been and I just want to help her...but I don't know how.  She's really not at all comfortable with her body.  She's put on weight and its put her in a bad place.  I think that's why we have our spats to be honest.  I think she's not happy with herself.  I've recently found myself (well in the last year) and I speak up for myself (something I've NEVER done with her).  So it's a perfect storm.  The gym visits are helping.

I'm always looking for that easy diet for her...it doesn't exist though.  It's getting physical and being mindful about food.  Period.  It's not one diet but a BUNCH of diets.  I do something different every month.  Curves (low carb) one month, weight watchers with curves or alone. I do the metabolic effect diet.  I'm about to start the carb lovers diet with weight watchers again.  Its what works for me.  I need an eating plan, but it can't be too exclusionary.  So I swap around.  I tried explaining that to her...she responded with you can't do everything all at once!  I don't.  Then she told me about some new drug she heard about for menopause that helps you lose weight.  I'm not interested in any miracle drug.

I have a question though...why is it whenever I talk about a diet I get HUNGRY!?

Eating my words

So just in my last post I said I would quit running after my race..that I had no problems quitting it because its boring to I really don't enjoy it.

Not so true anymore.  Here is what I have learned about myself and running.  When I have to run inside I'm okay but I don't enjoy it the same.  It'll do.  If I can get outside and run I'm in heaven!  I love it.  I love looking at the houses the people the dogs, cats and birds.  I even like those things that scurry in the bush as I run by even if I look back and my heart jumps a bit.

I love the feeling after 3 miles that I accomplished something.  I love looking at my pace and the hills and remembering "oh ya that hill was bi***!  I was running on the balls of my feet and leaning forward...bad form"

I'm very careful.  I've studied running in depth now.  I'm cautious about my strike zone...mid foot for all around impact.  I lift in the back and step low in the front for less impact.  I'm very mindful when I run.  I get in my zone.  In fact I'm so mindful about my body and running I've nearly been run over because I'm not paying attention to that around me but my form.  I'm more cautious about that too now.

Now when I run I nod, wave or say hello to everyone I see.  I wave to cars that stop for me.  I nod to other runners and wave to cyclists...not sure why runners nod and cyclist wave but they do.  I smile at dogs.  I love the connected feeling I get when I run.

I read a quote:  Running is like breathing.  If you stop you will die...figuratively speaking of course.

I have a feeling quitting will be hard!

I'm a runner!

I've completed my couch to 5k training.  Now it's just a waiting process until October when I have my 2 scheduled 5K runs.  I've promised hubby after those runs I won't run anymore.  I'll sell the treadmill and get an elliptical and for Christmas we will buy each other bikes.  I joined a walking meet up group that I haven't met up with once!  It' been 2 weeks.  Once I finish running I may attend more or at least 1.  John doesn't believe I can give up running...I don't think he truly understands how stimulus driven I really am.  I'm already bored with it and I gotta keep doing it until October.

Kids all go back to school next week.  My thoughts mostly fall to oldest daughter.  I remember that first day of school going in pregnant.  I was actually excited...because I was stupid and headstrong.  No one was going to tell me I couldn't be a mother.  Would it attract attention?  Yes it would and at that time...I wanted attention.  Would it make me popular? It might!  And it was a big old popularity contest back then.  As it turned out I was popular...with the nurse.  I was so busy working, planning where my senior year would be  and going to school to get ready to have the baby I didn't have time to throw my hat in the popularity contest...let alone hear who won.  Right now everything she does is for attention.  The daughters came over last night...from the moment she stepped in the door it was about oldest pregnant teen daughter.  I watched younger daughter fade out and it hurt my heart.  She is so beautiful, smart and funny and yet she just can't shine next to all that is her dramatic sister.  Younger sis is either lumped into everything her older sis does or in the case of this pregnancy ignored all together.

On other fronts.  I'm back in school.  A little.  I'm taking an accounting class.  I love it.  Very black and white.  There is no creativity in accounting...its rules.  I like rules, logic and structure.  Accounting rocks!

When it all goes wrong again...

That's the name of a song that Everclear sings.  Everclear is one of my favorite bands.  I titled this post that because things seem to be going wrong.  But then and again things are also going right!  I'll try to sum it up without mushing it into something that makes no sense.  I'll need to organize this one!  Perhaps bullets with details...

Going right

• Step son is here for 6 weeks from Texas
• Hubby has shown Step son his Roman armor stuff and Dylan is REALLY into it
• I've lost 4 pounds (I gained 5 in Ireland)
• I'm training for this 5k...I want to be able to run for 30 minutes straight (I think that will almost be 3.1 miles) so far I can run 15 minutes and it gets easier every time.  
• I have a new beautiful kitchen
• Step daughter is staying with us and other step daughter will be joining her at the end of July.
• I've adjusted my schedule so I can get half days off of Friday to have some "me time"
• I'm totally okay with the way I look in a bathing suit or naked.
• On July 27th I will attempt to sign up for an accounting class.
• On September 1st I will make my last payment to my creditors for the stuff I got stuck with in the divorce.  This will free up about $1200 (I'm triple paying to get it paid off) to pay off Hubby's debt that he has from HIS divorce.  So close to debt free I can taste it! 

Going wrong

• Step son being here and caused a little bit of a disconnect between Hubby and I.  Step son is an energy vampire and quite manipulative...cute as anything but still.
• Having that kitchen built was so stressful and we had to eat out for 4 nights.  I thought I was going to gain weight for sure...I literally resorted to practically starving myself. 
• Step daughter staying with us has also pulled Hubby and I apart...we are normally very close talking to each other the minute we see each other...now its answering kids questions (something we don't normally deal with) making dinners, shopping and then Hubby has guilt because we haven't done enough with them...like taking them surfing.
• Hubby thinks I'm being selfish because I want time to work out or decompress (he actually used the words "you're being selfish")  He has since changed that statement to "some of the actions you take are selfish".
• Hubby basically said the way I look right now makes no difference.  He loved me fat...he loves me this way.  At least when I was fat we did things together more. OUCH!
• I'm very concerned about signing up for school...its just one class but I'm scared it will pull more time from "us" and I will be perceived as "taking actions that are selfish"
• Making triple payments has really impacted my fun budget!  It's been tough. (But the positives out way this one!)

So the selfish statement is sticking with me.  We don't have a lot of time together.  With the kids, my workouts, and the daily household routine we are just busy.  We normally are together more.  Of course this is mostly my fault...when we have down time I refuse to sit on the computer next to him and mindlessly click away on farmville.  I'm done with that.  I'll watch a movie or get on the treadmill, but gone are the days of hours sitting next to him zoning out on the computer.  He said we "always do what you want".  I wish I knew what it is we are doing that I want.  Everclear played at the fair this year and because we had Step son I couldn't go.  My friend's band played at the fair this year, but because Hubby was singing with bro in law's band later that night I couldn't go.  I really want a new pair of running shoes, but because we have to get a new kitchen and pay for Step son's summer camps and oldest daughter's trip to Greece and youngest daughter's birthday request for an iphone...I can't get them. So I'm not sure if I'm being selfish monetarily or time wise.  We did go see Wicked (that was my anniversary gift) I didn't dare ask to go after being called selfish.  On our anniversary day Hubby dropped the I loved you when you had your weight and I love you the same now that you don't have the weight...the only difference is we were closer and did more things together when you had the weight.  Thank goodness we have another anniversary in November because this last one bit.  Hubby's biggest complaint...he doesn't feel like he is a priority in my life anymore.

Step son leaves for a few days tomorrow morning.  step daughter is staying.  I'm going to try and reconnect with Hubby as best I can.  With daughter there will be drama but not nearly as much as her and step soncombined...that's exhausting.  My routine for working out is:  Monday come home make dinner...treadmill for 40 minutes., Tuesday go straight to Gym after work for Bootcamp, come home make dinner and leave it for family to reheat (no one is home Hubby has his roman armor building group that night) go back to gym for Zumba.  Wednesday come home make dinner veg with family, Thursday go to Elementary school and walk/run track with run club (we are all training for a 5K in October) that takes 40 minutes (I'm home by 5:30), Friday work half day be a blob or go to the gym and then be a blob until 5 cook dinner and spend time with family.  Saturday run in the morning spend rest of day with family, Sunday spend day with family.

Broken down it looks like this:

• 4 hours doing various workouts during the week (40 minutes of that is at home on a treadmill)
• 40 hours at work
•  49 hours sleep if I'm lucky
• 7.5 hours driving to work and gym and taking Step son to or from camp if needed.
• 6 hours showering and primping (make up/dressing)
• 5 hours on Friday to go to the gym or be a blob
• 56.5 hours spending time with family (or grocery shopping for family)

and I'm selfish.

I wish I had a me...wait I am me!

I oversee a group of employees at the library.  Each day I give them an assignment.  It's not that I'm a micro-manager it is that in a library certain parts of the collection need specific types of attention at different times.  I won't bore you with all the details.  Each day I go up to the collection and write an assignment for each employee scheduled that day.  I base it on the number of hours they will be working.  Today I went up a noticed that the Juvenile and the ESL section need a lot of TLC.  As I walked into the re-shelving room one of my employees was already up there.  She is one of my hardest working employees.  She immediately approached me regarding the Juvenile collection and said, "I would like to do it!  Please assign it to me."  The collection is quite large and she is working today only four hours so I was reluctant to assign it, but decided to break it up over today and tomorrow to insure it got the attention it deserved.  I handed her the assignment and began on leave.  She stopped me.  "nib!  I notice the ESL is also in disarray!  I will do that as well!"  I told her no.  That I had assigned that to another employee that is working for seven hours today.  She then basically begged me.  I said no...that it was very important that she focus on her own assignment and leave the other employee to his assignment.  I told her she can't fix the entire library.  She can only fix what she can...don't kill herself trying... and that the library will be here tomorrow.  With that I smiled at her and left.

As I walked away I thought:  "Wow.  I wish I had me to stop me when I tried to take on everyone's stuff that wasn't mine."  It was then I realized what I said and laughed out loud.  Students turned and looked at me...I must have looked crazy!  Did I really just think that!?  I wish I had...ME?!  Really?!

Wow!  It's been a long time!  Last I left off talking about counseling...and then no more.  I fell off the planet basically.

Counseling went well.  Basically Sherri told me I was doing things right.  She told Hubby yes its hard to live with it, but it's what needs to happen.  One thing she said that I really liked that summed up the whole thing.  She said:  You both are going along on your double seat bicycle (why the bike reference I don't know...) but we are going along and suddenly one of us throws a stick in the spoke.  The bike stops abruptly throwing both of us.  We both get back on but one of us is now riding with a bent spoke...(that would be me)  I know its bent and I'm riding differently in order to compensate for tire.  The ride is more difficult for John even though his tires are fine because he's having to pedal differently now that my tire has been compromised.

That's it.  I'm not trying to ride my own bike...I'm not jumping off the bike and telling him how to ride the bike...I'm just trying to ride our bike the way that works for me without wrecking the entire biking experience!  It may require some compromise from him.  We only needed 2 sessions and then Hubby went to see her alone for his PTSD.  He only went once and saw no need to go again.

Things are going well.  I go up and down, but I always find myself back down.  We just came home from Ireland.  We walked so much in Ireland that Hubby lost weight.  He was happy about that.

When we came home I began training for a 5k (running).  Hubby has been very supportive with that regard...considering he was against me running at all.

Sister relationship is strained.  She is not in a good place right now.  She says she's heavier than she has ever been and Hubby thinks she may be depressed.  What ever it is...she is very critical of me right now.

2 more days

So we have 2 more days until Hubby and I meet up with the counselor on Saturday morning.  Things have gone well these last few weeks.  Our vitamix arrived and I made green smoothies for us each morning.  Hubby has drank them with bliss and has not looked at me as if I'm some kind of looney that just escaped the mental hospital.  I've been getting that look from him.  If I go to the gym 2 times in one day because there are 2 classes I really want to attend I get the...there she goes to extreme looks.

I have no idea how the meeting will go.  I've played it over in my head and came to no conclusion what so ever.  I thought perhaps hubby would go in there and just tell on me...like a child narking out a fellow classmate.  I've never seen Hubby in a counseling situation so I really don't know what to expect.  I thought he may go in and slam on the program...there by slamming my counselor as she facilitated every meeting with me.  Sherri is a strong person...very curious to see how that would roll.  I've wondered if Sherri would change her song outside the program...no no nib you don't NEED to work out that much....no no nib you don't NEED to plan each meal and have an action plan in for EVERY time you dine out.  What I don't want is for this to be stagnant.  In reality one of the scenarios needs to happen or Hubby nor I will be happy.  He needs someone...that is not a health NUT to validate him that I have gone over the deep end.  I need someone that is healthy to explain to him that in order to have a healthy lifestyle...you have to have a healthy lifestyle...which entails some form of exercise every day and mindful eating every day....EVERY DAY!    It almost seems like a no win situation, but hopefully in the end we all find a middle.

Right now we are not in the middle.  I'm getting activity in every chance I can and feeling guilty every second I do it because I know it bothers Hubby that I'm not enjoying myself with him.  I don't want to ride bikes.  I want to go to the gym period.

Hubby talked to my sister and bro in law about "this" Hubby said they were asking about me and my exercising.  Hubby says he just sang my praises...but the next time I saw my sister (Sunday) she said something about me needing to workout more at home...hmmm.  She tried to have me take her cindy crawford DVD...so I could stay home.  I said no I don't have time to work in another workout...she actually said with all seriousness..."You need to MAKE time"  I nearly laughed out loud.  So I worked out to her DVD with her on Monday.  It's okay, but the gym is way better and I've connected with the gym peeps...not to mention...Hubby was at work the whole time I worked out at sis's so it's not like I was neglecting him.  I don't know.  I'm trying to work on my relationships but it feels like everyone is judging me.  Maybe I AM nuts.

But mostly.  I need Hubby to hear and understand that I love him more than I could ever begin to describe and this is the best place physically, emotionally and psychologically I have ever been in my entire life.  I am more secure  when I am with him and like this.  I'm truly happy...happy like I have never felt.  If I lose this surely my heart will break because first I will lose myself and then I won't care enough to hold on to anything else.

Once upon a time...

I was a little fat person and I was "happy"...my husband loved me and I could eat what I wanted and I had lots of time to sit on my a** and play Farmville.  I got to wear comfortable clothes.  Sometimes I was sad because I was self conscience wearing certain clothing.  I didn't like to go to social events that my husband invited me to because it meant dressing up and facing the fact that I was overweight.  I didn't like to get undressed in front of my husband because I was ashamed of my body.  I got tired going up stairs and hills, but that's what elevators are for.  I grew out of my wetsuit so diving became a chore with the exercise (and the extra weight) related to it plus the expense of getting a new wetsuit.  I wanted to dance but I was insecure about going into the gym or anywhere else looking like I did.  The fact was...at that point...like I was...I wasn't really happy, but everyone else was because I thought I was.

Then I went on a diet and lost lots of weight and I'm happy.  I get to go to the gym and dance and skate with my friends and wear cute clothes and not feel insecure about how I look.  I have confidence and I feel strong.  I'm sad a LOT because I can't eat what I want and my husband doesn't like to do the things that I now find fun and enjoy like going to the gym.  I don't mind getting undressed in front of my husband or dressing up for him...but what does that matter if he's upset and frustrated with me?  I'm not the person he fell in love with that sat at the pub drinking, going to restraunts or sitting at home playing guitar hero and Farmville. The fact is...at this point...like I am...I can't make him happy but he thinks he is and I keep telling myself I can.

Everything I do is a choice.  Do I sacrifice one type of happiness for another in order to make everyone happy?  Who needs these kinds of choices?  Isn't trying to be healthy hard enough?  Imagine trying to maintain something and working harder than you ever have in your entire life...how easy would it be to always have something in the back of your mind saying if things could just go back to the way they were he would be we wouldn't have these "discussions" and he would be happy and I would think I was happy.   Is it impossible to both be happy at the same time?  Maybe it is.  Perhaps life truly is a yen and a yang a give and a take.  It was "my time" from June 2011 to now.  How do I now give him his time without completely destroying what I worked on during my time?

Sometimes I entertain the idea of going back to school and then reality hits me.  He fell in love with a social butterfly who wanted nothing but to just spend every moment with him.  What would happen if I added school to the mix?  Would he do what he does now?  Fill his time being frustrated at me for studying too much?  Go hang with his friends or my brother in law while I work my a** off and secretly yearn to just go hang with him?  How well do you think I'd do?  (Probably as well as I have done maintaining my weight!)


THE END.

These last 10 pounds are driving me CRAZY!

I don't know what to do!  They are stuck!  Wedged on my outer thighs and lower tummy!

I've decided to name them!  It sounds nuts and maybe it is...but maybe just maybe I subconsciously have befriended these last pounds and truly can't bare to see them go!  But they need to go!  It's a momma bird sending her baby birds off to fly!

So names...I can't really relate them to the area because I have no idea where they are all hiding.  Some are on my hip...only a few.

Name number 1 will be Dexter.  I think of Dexter as a smart name and the first one to jump ship in this case is the smartest.  I will not punish Dexter as harshly as the rest for sticking around and making my pants just a little too tight!

Name number 2 is Poseidon.  I know it seems like a very godly name but really...I think poseidon is just an imposter...acting like water but really a fat blob in disguise.  When Poseidon goes I won't be able to blame the weight gain on water and if the pound does come back...It's poseidon and I will work my thighs off to make him go away

Pause...oh by the way,  I'm not naming them after men because I hate men...it's just coincidental in this case.

Name for pound number 3 is Hulk.  Hulk is probably on my thigh and trying to blend in with the muscle, but I can see right through him...he's all green and fat!

Name number 4: Al (sort for Al Dente)  I think Al came to live with me because of my love of carbs.  Buh bye Al!  Al, I believe will go live with someone that likes pasta.

Name number 5:  Jose.  Jose came to live with me because of my love of Mexico...if I gain anything back after dining at a Mexican restaurant I will welcome Jose back...that won't be anytime soon though so the road is short for Jose.

Name number 6.  Genius (nickname for Guinness) something tells me I will always have a spare room for Genius, but it's only for visits!  He cannot take up permanent residence on my belly any longer.  There is no room at the inn!

Name number 7.  Pat.  I don't know what pat is girl maybe boy, ambiguously gay for all I know.  Pat is there because I sat!  Pat is the pound I have due to lack of movement!  Pat can never come back!

Name number 8.  Sarah.  (a true girl name give her an award like a new living arrangement!)  Sarah's last name is Lee...no more of those.

Name number 9.  Pitney.  In old English it means "island of the stubborn one"  anyone holding on this long has to be stubborn.

Lastly number 10 is Edward (Edward Smith)  named after the captain of the titanic...Because if he doesn't get off THIS ship we are going down together!

Looks like couple counseling is on the horizon.

During the program they said that it would be a difficult transition for us.  They didn't really mention how it would impact our spouses and loved ones.  They did state that there is a very high divorce rate in the optifast program...too which I ignored.  Hubby and I get along so well...divorce would be the furthest thing from my mind...if anything this change would help us.  I was depressed I hated how I looked and what I had done to myself!  I'd be a better person...to myself and to Hubby ...but I had to get healthy inside and out first.

Hubby has always encouraged me to go further.  "You should get your BS degree and go into management...you should get a masters and be a librarian"  Sometimes he's aggressive "You're short changing yourself...you're afraid to succeed!  You're above this and you're working below you potential."  I have often entertained the idea of going back to school.  I love what I do, but I work with a bunch of morons.  I think if I went to school and got a job with people a little more educated I might surround myself with a higher caliper of people...less moronic, but as the union VP I've met with some of the top people of the district and guess what...they are moronic!  People are people, higher ed, world traveled or not...its not the education that distinguishes the caliper its the mind (open or closed).

If this program is any indication of the kind of support I would receive if I went back to school I would surely fail.  I just want to work out 1 hour everyday. and prep my meals each night.  I don't think I'm asking for too much, but it has impacted our relationship to the brink of insanity!  Usually around Thursday I get a rash of complaints from him that I'm NEVER home and always exercising.  I will admit Tuesday through Thursday is rough but I'm home.  Tuesday & Thursday I get home late like 9pm.  This is because of Zumba on Tuesday and Maintenance on Thursday.  On Tuesday I come home then leave but John doesn't see me because he is building Roman armor.  Wednesday I'm home at 6:45pm.  The rest of the week/weekend  I'm scrambling to get activity in either right after work or when I can that isn't too long away from John.  He keeps bringing up that we don't do things together.  We don't spend time together....I remind him that I went through and am going through a total lifestyle change.  My counselor brought up a good point.  I had 25 weeks of 2 hour counseling to prepare me...Hubby had none.  I suggested that Hubby and I talk to a counselor...he said "Aimee?"  That's my individual counselor.  I said no.  I want to see the counselor that did the 25 weeks of class.  It's outside our insurance so we would have to pay out of pocket, but I think it's worth it.  If anyone knows what we are going through it would be her.  I'm going to make an appointment with her and then just shut up and let John and her go.  I have explained my needs (which is a big freakin deal!) but he thinks I'm being OCD.  Perhaps he needs to hear from someone else that I can't just "relax" about my health.  There is not oops I forgot to plan.  There is no failure to plan.  There is no eating by the seat of your pants.  That is a recipe for failure...that's drive thru or starve.

I think the counseling will help.  At this point I have no answers.  I want to do things with my husband, but I also refuse to sit in front of the computer 4 hours a night watching youtube and playing farmville.  I'm done with that...if that's "together time" I'll pass.

Come over to the dark side with me.

It's been a series of baby victories.  Today will be my 35th day binge free.  We do it in cycles (each cycle is 21 days) the psychology is that it takes 21 days to do things before they become a habit.  I am on cycle 2, day 14 or as my calendar reads (C2/D14).

Ate more in Vegas, but it was a planned event.  I have another one coming up this Saturday in San Francisco.  Oddly enough I thought my biggest obstacles would be the kids and my sister...maybe a few work friends.  My biggest obstacle turned out to be my sister and my husband.  I think because I had a plan and an expectation for the kids and my work friends.  My sister (I'm suspecting) changed things up on me and that has thrown me for a loop but I'm rolling with it.  Husband was completely unexpected so I'm reeling there, but putting what I learned into action.

My sister...I can't quite put my finger on.  Is she competing?  Is she asking for help (advice or a listening buddy)?  Is she quietly waiting for me to fail?  I think it's all!  Not to sound paranoid, but she started a juice diet.  What's with the sudden interest to quickly lose weight?  She started those slim fast shakes when I went to optifast, but it didn't work for her then depression, then the juice diet coupled with what still looks like depression.  She has routinely brought up the statistics of people who gain all their weight back and more on the optifast diet.  I'm aware of the statistics.  We were not just briefed but lectured before we signed up for the fast.  I knew if I kept the weight off that I would be in the minority.  Her words are supportive. "I'm glad you are really focused on this"..."I think you might actually be able to do this for a while" (that last one not as supportive as the first).  I've asked her if she wanted to come work out.  "Yes, but not today"  Last Friday I called said I had the day off and offered to bring my bike to her to go around the bay.  After some serious talking into she agreed to come to the dark side.  I don't exercise to lose weight.  It's a release for me, but hey bonus is that I'm burning calories!  She does not enjoy exercise in any form.  But last Friday I think she liked it and later at the thrift store she bought a top to work out in.  I think she's coming around!

Husband.  HubbyI thought would be my biggest cheerleader.  He doesn't know what he's doing wrong because everything is so new for him and it's starting to impact him.  A few examples:  I only go out 1 time per week for 2 reasons, 1 I have no idea what is in the food and I'm a health nut now.  I'll just admit it.  2.  I'm trying to watch our finances so we can go to Ireland and Cozumel this year coupled with getting a kitchen.  At this rate it's not going to happen if we keep eating out.  Another example...comments such as "you're too regimented, inflexible...you're taking things too far, you're excessive, obsessive"  My schedule is to try and work out 1 hour everyday.  Some of the days we have plans like Friday, Saturday or Sunday.  If we do I don't make a big deal about it.  Most days I go right after work so it doesn't impact him.  Tuesday I go to Zumba at 7:30pm for 1 hour.  Wednesday I go to Weight Watchers for 30 minutes and Thursday Maintenance for 1.5 hours.  He finally agreed to come with me to the gym after my maintenance class.  It was more of "if I want to see my wife I guess I have to go to the gym".  In Vegas I brought my health food only to discover we did not have a refrigerator in the room (and so ends our stays at New York New York...hello Mandalay Bay so glad to be back!)  My chia seeds, flaxseeds, and probiotics needed to be iced every 8 hours.  Our safe closet looked like a Carmen Miranda hat storage space.  I'll admit most people smuggle alcohol in coolers up to their rooms not health food. On one of the days hubby drank too much the night before and had a heart stopping breakfast the next day.  He promptly found himself ill.  I had him there.  He said if I'm going to gym with you I should probably eat with you too.  I currently cook 2 meals each night...mine and the boys.  Now I cook ours and the boy's.  Hubby can choose if he wants son's dinner or ours.  Last night he chose both :o)  No matter!  At least he filled up on African Turkey Kebobs, sugar snap peas and whole wheat couscous before having a little bit of son's orange chicken.  He's slowly coming to the dark side.

It's my pity party and I'll cry if I want to!

It's not really that bad, but I'm working very hard right now to avoid my death by a million paper cuts...I'm running out of band aids.

Hubby put a quote on his Facebook a few days ago ""With modern technology, texts and Facebook wall posts can serve as an attractive veneer making relationships seem more genuine than they really are. Conversely, social media can interfere with our most intimate real-life relationships. How many of your closest relationships would suffer if people had to invest more effort than sending a text to stay in touch? How much better could your relationship with your significant other be if you could give your partner your full attention whenever you're together? There's one way to find out, if you dare. "-The Amish experiment

So at first I thought nothing of it.  He had mentioned he had read this article earlier in the week.  I remember at the time thinking how ironic he got something out of this.  Granted I'm on Facebook a lot he is on the computer A LOT!  Many times we will have visitors and he will go off into the office to play his video games.  The first time he did that I was mortified.  Charlie was here from England.  He of course said please go about your normal activities...I don't want to be a bother!  Another time my mom was over.  My mom actually said something to me the next day to the effect she felt like she interrupted something or perhaps bored him.  We then started playing board games with her when she came over.  That was my way of keeping Hubby out with the company instead of having a fight.  After he posted the quote my friend commented something to the effect that I was neglecting my husband .  It was then that I really started thinking about it in another light.  Why did he put it on Facebook?  The hypocrisy I thought; what's worse my family already feels I'm overly connected and my husband does nothing to stir their opinions differently.    Often during a "discussion" I will reach for my phone to check facts...they make fun of me saying I must "consult the Oracle"  Now on his page its being blasted that I, me of all people am now neglecting him by basically refusing to unplug!  During this time of posting by numerous others, hubby again made no effort to say...hey wait my wife rarely goes on the computer at night...in fact it is me that has demanded my "time on the computer each night to decompress from my stressful job"

So the pity party is going like this:  I'm exercising and working out a lot.  I have 2 meetings a week (optifast and weight watchers) When I come home I am making meals, lunches, dinners preparing for the morning.  I have a vegetable egg white omelet with oat bran and fruit everyday.  I have to get up early to do it.  I have to go to bed at a decent time in order to be able to get up.  Every meal is fresh vegetables and fish or lean meat.  I cook 2 dinners every night.  When there is a little extra time I do laundry and clean up.  If I have any other time I get on my bike.  Now that Paul is awake I've been finding myself wanting to be at the hospital.  Michael is failing english.  This is not my fault, but Ben has sent me a text asking me 1. if I was aware he was failing and 2. what was I, me going to do about it?  My husband is publicly insinuating he is being neglected and my sister has hinted that I may be a little crazy with the exercise. So here is what goes through my mind..."Dammit...for the first time I'm happy with my body and me in general and everything goes to shit.  My relationships with my friend that almost died (I don't feel I'm there enough), with my husband, with my son, with my ex husband, with my sister (I miss my sister...I want to have our friendship back, but I know it means swallow my values and ignore what is important to me for the sake of sisterhood)  Why can't I get this juggling act right?!"

So that's my party.

It's a busy month!

Maintenance began on the 26th.  I weighed in at 174.  That's 24 pounds higher than my lowest weigh in.  When I got there I was one of the thinnest people in the class.  It seems we all came off shakes about the same time and were left to struggle through the holidays.  Many of us were frustrated.

I was okay.  I'm on an exercise routine and I'm eating in a way that is healthy and satisfying.  It doesn't fit with the "maintenance plan" but frankly I DON'T CARE!  I feel good.  When someone mentioned about the cold feeling they had on optifast I interjected with "that was your metabolism...DYING!"  the counselor shot me a look, but it was true!  We starved ourselves and we wreaked havoc on our bodies...an end to justify the means, but to what end!?  To be thin for a moment!?  I say no!  Something wonderful came out of this experience for me...I learned that my body NEEDS food...not just food but good food.  I learned my mind needs food...not just food but food I crave! My body needs to move...not just move but really get out there and when I do that and I let my body have these things I feel awesome!  I may not like that little bulge by my hip or under my arm, but that will come and go.  I can walk up stairs and not be out of breath!  I can ride my bike 17 miles in one night, probably 20 had my iPad not fallen down and that feels so good I can't even put words to it.  I don't drink soda anymore at all.  I have 2 cups of coffee, green tea and 8 full glasses of water every day.  I crave baked sweet potato fries and mango with chili con limon on it!

I think I know what you're asking yourself right now.  Why is she even going to maintenance if she has it all figured out?  Because I paid for it!  I had to pay up front for maintenance and I thought that's what went wrong last time...was that I never went to maintenance.  I have to admit I'm learning a lot, but more importantly I'm making this program accountable.  I have expectations.  I expect them to address the BED issue (Binge eating disorder) that seems to be dormant except after this program 2 out of 2 isn't a bad track record!  I expect them to give me my metabolism back!  They helped me kill it, now perform a miracle and give it back!  Lastly it's another accountability tool and at this point I need all the tools I can get!

Weigh in tonight with all the weight lifting I have been doing I should be up at least 3 pounds.

Does this loaf of bread make my butt look big?

Yesterday I dined with my friend the binge monster!  UGH!  My weigh in was surprising.  I lost 1 pound.  I’m not sure if the relief triggered it or not.  I think it played a role coupled with the lack of a distraction at my binge time (3pm-6pm).  I usually have to be doing something during those hours.

Mostly I think it was this, and its eye opening to see how delicate the trigger is for this:  Oldest son was dumped by his first girlfriend..  He’s tore up!  He’s been crying for 2 days.  I haven’t seen my son cry since my mom passed in 2009.   It’s teenage drama, very twilightish, but it pulls my heartstrings when I see my baby boy in such a low place!   He just had his first kiss with this girl last week…then she dumped him.  While I was talking to him about it and relationships in general I started to realize how awful I was as a teenager to boys!  She dumped him for another boy.  I did that to Billy Lucas for Bruce Birch and then dumped Bruce for Billy.  She keeps calling him.  She doesn’t want him to hate her…even though she deserves to be hated.  I did that!  I was selfish; I didn’t want to feel bad for what I did to Bruce and Billy so I called them.  As if I, the one who plunged the knife into their hearts could now somehow give them comfort.  Billy is on my facebook page.  He too was my first kiss.  I thought about writing him a quick message apologizing for being such an insensitive, horrible person.  I wondered why he ever sent me a friend request for facebook after how horrible I was!  I thought better of it.  He would think I was a total lunatic!!  Not to mention that after I accepted his friend request I realized he’s a little creepy now!

I kept trying to feed my son's broken heart.  He finally looked at me and said; “mom, I’m not hungry I’m sad…you are always saying how we need to give our emotions names and not numb them away with food!”  DOH!  Here I was eating a nice piece of frozen bread listening to my son pour his heart out to me and I wasn’t thinking about my own advice!  My son is skinny as a rail…he has no eating issues whatsoever.  He loves veggies, he loves fruit and he eats in moderation.  I share my struggle with my immediate family, but I never really thought they were truly listening!  He was.  I also realized she’s not a horrible person she’s young…I was young.  If I knew then what I know now…  

My son doesn’t hate his now ex-girlfriend.  He’s hurt, he’s sad and he wants her back.  I told him what I needed to hear (but never did) the first time I was dumped:  “protect your heart, trust and give your heart only to those that will treat it kindly and respectfully.  There is nothing wrong with you!  Sometimes we girls are nutty and we like drama…we also are attracted to drama, crazy and oddly enough people who aren’t nice to us…we view it as a challenge!”  He smiled and said where you like that?  I said well I AM speaking from experience.  His heart will heal, she’ll keep calling and his heart will hurt more, but eventually it will heal.  I will be less critical of the dumb stuff I did when I was young, because if I don’t I may as well set a place setting at our table for the binge monster every night!  

Today I’m back on track and in the zone.  I’m leaving work early and rollerblading around the bay for at least 1.5 hours.  There will be some big bike rides, dancing and general movement this next weekend and week to follow.  I gotta burn off enough calories to cover my binge!  Damage done, but I’m back to Day 1 binge free...may this monkey get off my back and I learn to be nicer to myself.

Gaining weight!

I have to say that I'm glad I'm going to weight watchers.  I really need something to keep me accountable.  The whole points thing I don't know about.  I'm actually following carblover's right now.  I need to be told what to eat.  I hate meal planning.  Just tell me what to cook how much to cook and when to eat it and I'm golden.  I'm very good at following directions.

I've been working out like a crazy person.  Hubby keeps warning me to not replace an old addiction with a new one.  I need to exercise though...all the books and studies say it.  It's not an addiction it's a lifestyle change.  I'll tell you what I AM addicted to.  Diets.  I'm on carblover's while I'm doing weight watchers and I'm reading the 17 day diet!  If that's not an addiction I don't know what is.  I'm actually researching diets.  I need to find what works.  My optifast program director would say there is no silver bullet,  it's diet and exercise.  I'm not looking for a silver bullet.  I'm looking for a diet that I can live with.  The maintenance diet after optifast is 1000 calories.  I'm starving and with BED...I binge on it.  What is worse binging and eating 3000 calories in one sitting (yes I am perfectly capable and have done that!) or trying to consistently try diets that have a little higher caloric intake that take into account some of my "issues" like my much needed aversion to sugar and white flour?
 My sister swore by the carblover's diets...she lost 20 pounds on it.  I've been doing it for 2 weeks and have gained 2 pounds a week.  I'm at 163 naked and I'll find out tonight what damage it has evoked on me with clothes on.  The book says I will lose 6 pounds in a week...I'm sure the creator didn't account for someone with the metabolism of a dead person and a serious carb intolerance.  Oh well.  At least I can say I did it and if I ever want to put on weight I know how.  The nice thing about the CL diet...I haven't binged.  I'm not quitting it.  I'll finish it through Sunday.  I'm not sure if I'll start the 17 day diet or the South Beach.  I want it to fit within my weight watcher points.  I'm kindof making my own thing as I go.  I believe that your body needs to be constantly challenged so carb switching might be the key.  Finding the balance is the tricky part.  Whatever diet I do...I plan to keep it healthy and watch my caloric intake (but higher than 1000 calories).  This should be interesting for you.  You'll get to hear all the ups and downs of all the diets out there.  I won't be doing atkins it's too extreme and the caloric intake it through the roof.

So Carblovers, basically about 1200-1400 calories per day.  Everyday starts with a green banana. Green banana and a kashi bar, g.banana mixed in steel cooked oats with cinnamon and walnuts, g. banana sliced on rye toast with a tsp of almond butter.  Lunch is whole wheat pita with spinach, peppers 4oz of chicken and low fat dressing, or 3 black bean tacos on corn tortilla with 1 tbsp cheese, carrots, lettuce and salsa.  That can also be a dinner.  Shrimp stirfry. that can be a dinner too with 3/4 c brown rice.  Portions are big, I'm sometimes hungry, but that sensor is broke on me as well.  There is one snack a day.  almond butter on 2 rye crackers and string cheese.  Greek yogurt with 1 tsp honey and 2 tbsp oats.  There is not a meal I don't like I just feel bloated ALL the time.  That's the effect of carbs for me oh that and gaining weight!  On the plus side.  My hair is growing back, my skin is nice and I have lots of energy side from the bloated feeling.  My pants fit the same and I'm "regular"  :o)

I'll let you know what diet I begin on Monday.  Hopefully whichever one it is does not trigger the binge monster!

I know it all sounds a bit nuts...it is.

The binge monster part duex

I'm 9 days binge free (today is day 9)  I had a close one the day after my sister's holiday party...I forgot about the relief trigger...doh!  I have BED (binge eating disorder)...luckily it's not coupled with vomiting. The binge monster went away after lots of counseling, medication, gaining all my weight back and oddly enough Ben moving out.

The binge monster is back with vengeance.  I spend so much mental energy staying focused on NOT binging that its insane!  Triggers:  Food that will go to waste (I can't throw away certain food, specifically if it's a good food...like chocolates that no one will eat...I like chocolate who cares what's in the filling!  The ends of really good bread...it's still the good bread!) feeling manipulated or cheated, feeling I'm treated unfairly (this can be as small as watching someone eat chocolate cake and knowing I can't have any!), relief (that's a weird one) and feeling unappreciated are a few.  The last one is a big one.  Why I binge when I have these feelings I don't know.  I don't know why I would hurt myself after I was already feeling hurt!  It's as if I don't want anyone to be able to hurt me...only I'm allowed to do that!  To avoid binges I have to have "rituals", my satiety sensor is broke from the fast, so I have to REALLY concentrate when I eat to know when I am full.  This means little to no distractions.  I don't eat alone (I have to have witnesses)  I measure my portions and only eat "my food"  for that day.  I close the kitchen after dinner...no going in for any reason.  I have to have a plan for 3-5pm (my most common binge time)  When I am alone I have to be away from access to food.  It's mind numbing and exhausting and it wasn't always like that.

Today has already begun to be a trial for me.  Most days are fairly easy.  1.  I woke to a dead mouse in my pantry.  I knew we had a mouse that's why John put the trap, but it bothered me that a mouse was in my house.  It would only eat my diet crackers!  That led me to binge near New Year's...he/she/it ate through the bottom of my rice cakes.  I felt cheated (trigger).  Finding it in my pantry dead gave me relief (there's the relief trigger)  Relief trigger examples:  cake at work but I eat none...winner I showed such restraint I'll reward myself with a small sweet, enter binge monster.  I thought I'd never catch that rodent....I did so well I'll reward myself with a serving of chips...  2.  John and I had a disagreement just as I got done cooking my breakfast, because I can't eat distracted I had to sit and listen and try to resolve before I could begin eating...result very cold hard oatmeal, that I had to wolf down (unfocused) to get to work on time.  John got to work on time...I did not get to work on time leaving me to feel things were not fair (trigger).  3.  During this disagreement I made lunch for Michael, put a roast in the crock pot for them (I can't eat it...way too many calories...not fair trigger) and gave treats to the dogs...everyone was taken care of but me...leaving me to feel unappreciated (trigger).  When I got in the car there was no gas...THAT is a huge issue for me and I have vocalized it.  If John comes home at 11pm and he has the car I am driving in the morning I will ask if there is gas left in it.  If no I will go then and get gas...I don't like to go in the morning.  I'm too cold in the morning.  My raynard's disease is particularly awful in the morning so I focus on just being warm, not getting out and pumping gas...that's a no go.  So getting in (late) and seeing no gas (now I will be cold) triggered a non appreciated, not fair feeling.  I almost stopped at 7-11 on my way to work to get the pity party started off right with some mini gem doughnuts!  Nothing gains forgiveness from my boss and co-workers faster than a box of doughnuts.  I park at the bottom of the stairs so I can get my 4 flights in and there's a little size 0 RUNNING up and down the stairs.  Oh lovely.  As I'm walking (slowly up the stairs) she runs past me twice.  The first time she wishes me a good morning What is so good about it?!  She's probably going to use me as a challenge!  She's probably thinking:  How many times can I go up and down while she huffs and puffs up the stairs?!  

So today is a triple whammy for me in lots of ways.  I need to stay out of stores and the kitchen.  I have to prepare my dinner and lunch for tomorrow and I know I can't be left alone in the kitchen, but having John around isn't exactly comforting right now...the only thing more less comforting than that is being totally alone in the house with a kitchen full of food.

I'm trying to stay strong! Yes, but you're only human...Shut up binge monster!

It's official...I've lost my mind!

The binge monster

So I've had some self realization recently.  I hadn't binged for years. I did optifast, got off did okay for a few weeks and then the binge monster moved into the guest bedroom.  It seems that when I DIEt...the binge monster moves in.  When I just don't give a shit the BM stays away or maybe...he's there in the kitchen with me the whole time and my not giving a shit is just a binge that never ends!


If I deprive myself of carbs that is what I binge on...cereal, bread, sugar.  The other trigger...lack of control.  If I have my meals planned and something comes up like dinner with friends or like last night a holiday party that they had AFTER the holidays!  My sister's work does it every year and I go every year.  I really wanted to say no this year.  It seems that every event that I have attended and eaten at later resulted in a binge.

Last night was different.  I was SO careful.  I didn't eat the bread or crackers or dessert.  I had a bowl of fruit I specially requested and had a bite of John's fruit tart.  At the end of the night when I was below my caloric allotment I wanted to scream it from a rooftop!  My first time getting through an event without not just overeating but not gluttonously binging afterwards.  I have this punishment mechanism when I blow it...I BLOW IT!  I'll show...ME!

Tonight I have a dinner party at my sister's and I again just want to say no, but I can't just stop life because I'm having eating issues.  These events will always be here.  People will have birthdays, they will want to hang out, they will visit, we WILL travel...that is life and I need to learn how to live it without being a food nut!

Speaking of nuts I've been taking supplements to calm my anxiety until I can meet with the counselor in a few weeks.  Kava and St.John's Wart.  Holy crap that stuff actually works!  John noticed a sense of calm with me.  I have a sense of calm in me...I'm not battling myself nearly as much.  I'm driven don't get me wrong, but I'm not being driven by anxiety.  I want to move more.  I want to be more active, I want to stay healthy and I want to successfully maintain my weight.  I'm less anxious about the "what if I gain weight" part.

So I survived the holidays

For us Christmas is a series of food events.  It began on Christmas Day, then we celebrated Christmas day after because that's when we had all the kids.  Then New Years Eve...then New Years Day which is a potluck thing with my mom's side of the family.

I occasionally found myself going back on shakes here and there just to get through the insanity.  I have found that too many choices really does not work for me.  Just tell me what to eat and I'll do fine!  I'm on shakes just to do some damage control until my next weigh in (Wednesday night).  Thursday I have all of my meals pre-planned for the week, no more than 1200 calories per day.

Goals for this year...stay in a size 10.  No weight goal, just a size.  My resolutions were:  Stay in a size 10, continue to trust more, listen more, be more active, think about her (my mom) everyday.  I also want to add keeping up with the house work unfortunately it didn't make it to my sealed list, but it's on here so I'll resolve to do it!

Trust more was a continuation of last year.  I trust hubby completely, but I don't trust people to do what they say they will do, or what I think they SHOULD do.  An example I don't trust my kids to pick up after themselves so I clean up after them before they have an opportunity.

I'm going to set goals for the month too.  For January I have 2 goals.  1.  Go to the gym or walk around the lake/bay 15 times this month.  2.  Ride over 100 miles on my bike that goes no where.  I wanted to set attainable goals that were positive.  Last night I rode 11 miles and this evening I went to the gym for my "muscle up" class.  The instructor asked "who's coming back for the turbo kick class" I thought about it, but I needed to get son fed and I needed to get a shake in me or I was gonna pass out!  I'm bummed now that I didn't because my friend's birthday is tomorrow so I'm going to miss my workout tomorrow night at the gym.  I could've counted that as double!

So that's whats going on with me.  How about you?!  Did your son get his present?