The binge monster

So I've had some self realization recently.  I hadn't binged for years. I did optifast, got off did okay for a few weeks and then the binge monster moved into the guest bedroom.  It seems that when I DIEt...the binge monster moves in.  When I just don't give a shit the BM stays away or maybe...he's there in the kitchen with me the whole time and my not giving a shit is just a binge that never ends!


If I deprive myself of carbs that is what I binge on...cereal, bread, sugar.  The other trigger...lack of control.  If I have my meals planned and something comes up like dinner with friends or like last night a holiday party that they had AFTER the holidays!  My sister's work does it every year and I go every year.  I really wanted to say no this year.  It seems that every event that I have attended and eaten at later resulted in a binge.

Last night was different.  I was SO careful.  I didn't eat the bread or crackers or dessert.  I had a bowl of fruit I specially requested and had a bite of John's fruit tart.  At the end of the night when I was below my caloric allotment I wanted to scream it from a rooftop!  My first time getting through an event without not just overeating but not gluttonously binging afterwards.  I have this punishment mechanism when I blow it...I BLOW IT!  I'll show...ME!

Tonight I have a dinner party at my sister's and I again just want to say no, but I can't just stop life because I'm having eating issues.  These events will always be here.  People will have birthdays, they will want to hang out, they will visit, we WILL travel...that is life and I need to learn how to live it without being a food nut!

Speaking of nuts I've been taking supplements to calm my anxiety until I can meet with the counselor in a few weeks.  Kava and St.John's Wart.  Holy crap that stuff actually works!  John noticed a sense of calm with me.  I have a sense of calm in me...I'm not battling myself nearly as much.  I'm driven don't get me wrong, but I'm not being driven by anxiety.  I want to move more.  I want to be more active, I want to stay healthy and I want to successfully maintain my weight.  I'm less anxious about the "what if I gain weight" part.