The binge monster part duex

I'm 9 days binge free (today is day 9)  I had a close one the day after my sister's holiday party...I forgot about the relief trigger...doh!  I have BED (binge eating disorder)...luckily it's not coupled with vomiting. The binge monster went away after lots of counseling, medication, gaining all my weight back and oddly enough Ben moving out.

The binge monster is back with vengeance.  I spend so much mental energy staying focused on NOT binging that its insane!  Triggers:  Food that will go to waste (I can't throw away certain food, specifically if it's a good food...like chocolates that no one will eat...I like chocolate who cares what's in the filling!  The ends of really good bread...it's still the good bread!) feeling manipulated or cheated, feeling I'm treated unfairly (this can be as small as watching someone eat chocolate cake and knowing I can't have any!), relief (that's a weird one) and feeling unappreciated are a few.  The last one is a big one.  Why I binge when I have these feelings I don't know.  I don't know why I would hurt myself after I was already feeling hurt!  It's as if I don't want anyone to be able to hurt me...only I'm allowed to do that!  To avoid binges I have to have "rituals", my satiety sensor is broke from the fast, so I have to REALLY concentrate when I eat to know when I am full.  This means little to no distractions.  I don't eat alone (I have to have witnesses)  I measure my portions and only eat "my food"  for that day.  I close the kitchen after dinner...no going in for any reason.  I have to have a plan for 3-5pm (my most common binge time)  When I am alone I have to be away from access to food.  It's mind numbing and exhausting and it wasn't always like that.

Today has already begun to be a trial for me.  Most days are fairly easy.  1.  I woke to a dead mouse in my pantry.  I knew we had a mouse that's why John put the trap, but it bothered me that a mouse was in my house.  It would only eat my diet crackers!  That led me to binge near New Year's...he/she/it ate through the bottom of my rice cakes.  I felt cheated (trigger).  Finding it in my pantry dead gave me relief (there's the relief trigger)  Relief trigger examples:  cake at work but I eat none...winner I showed such restraint I'll reward myself with a small sweet, enter binge monster.  I thought I'd never catch that rodent....I did so well I'll reward myself with a serving of chips...  2.  John and I had a disagreement just as I got done cooking my breakfast, because I can't eat distracted I had to sit and listen and try to resolve before I could begin eating...result very cold hard oatmeal, that I had to wolf down (unfocused) to get to work on time.  John got to work on time...I did not get to work on time leaving me to feel things were not fair (trigger).  3.  During this disagreement I made lunch for Michael, put a roast in the crock pot for them (I can't eat it...way too many calories...not fair trigger) and gave treats to the dogs...everyone was taken care of but me...leaving me to feel unappreciated (trigger).  When I got in the car there was no gas...THAT is a huge issue for me and I have vocalized it.  If John comes home at 11pm and he has the car I am driving in the morning I will ask if there is gas left in it.  If no I will go then and get gas...I don't like to go in the morning.  I'm too cold in the morning.  My raynard's disease is particularly awful in the morning so I focus on just being warm, not getting out and pumping gas...that's a no go.  So getting in (late) and seeing no gas (now I will be cold) triggered a non appreciated, not fair feeling.  I almost stopped at 7-11 on my way to work to get the pity party started off right with some mini gem doughnuts!  Nothing gains forgiveness from my boss and co-workers faster than a box of doughnuts.  I park at the bottom of the stairs so I can get my 4 flights in and there's a little size 0 RUNNING up and down the stairs.  Oh lovely.  As I'm walking (slowly up the stairs) she runs past me twice.  The first time she wishes me a good morning What is so good about it?!  She's probably going to use me as a challenge!  She's probably thinking:  How many times can I go up and down while she huffs and puffs up the stairs?!  

So today is a triple whammy for me in lots of ways.  I need to stay out of stores and the kitchen.  I have to prepare my dinner and lunch for tomorrow and I know I can't be left alone in the kitchen, but having John around isn't exactly comforting right now...the only thing more less comforting than that is being totally alone in the house with a kitchen full of food.

I'm trying to stay strong! Yes, but you're only human...Shut up binge monster!

It's official...I've lost my mind!