Day 6

I'm not sure if I'll have time to blog tomorrow.  Definitely Friday I will. The thing about the dang back fat is that it meets up with my ass fat!  Not cool!  It comes around the side...it doesn't fold in the front like the back, but if I sit down it does!  Enough about that.

Here is what I'm preparing myself for.  Tomorrow is weigh in.  The last time I lost 9 pounds (mostly water) in the first week.  I don't think that is going to be the case this time...my metabolism is changed (my counselor would say BULLSHIT!) I also have yo yo'd on Atkins and that messed the way my body reacts to short term starving.  In time it will kick in, but I expect a loss of about 4 pounds.

The reeses shake was yummy...the mango strawberry....I can go without the mango...sadness I was really hoping the mango would be good.  It didn't even smell like mango when I opened the bottle though.

More pics to come...I need to show you my side boob arm fat!  No nasty pics.  Just a place I hate.  Also I want to show you a pic of the syrups and shake prep..

Until tomorrow or Friday.

It's on the sides too!

Here we go!

Day 5

Well crap.  No sooner did you warn me about shopping did I find myself shopping at lunch again!  My lunch buddy is shopping for a retirement party.  So each day at lunch we are going places to get pricing.  I really needed ice yesterday, so I don't think that was impulsive.

Today we were at Smart and Final and they had my syrups on sale!  AND they had sugar free peanut butter!  I only got 2 syrups... Peanut butter (to do that reese's thing) and mango.  I've liked the raspberry and strawberry...it just makes sense that I would like Mango, but then again I didn't like lemon...it went from uneventful to tasting like someone sprayed pledge in my vanilla shake.

So here is something I am noticing...I get UBER hungry at 2pm.  At 4pm I get UBER hyper.  I feel like I need to run or something.  I mean I have a TON of energy all the time now...that started yesterday, but it gets particularly annoying at around 4pm.  Odd.

I need to get a picture of this back fat before it goes away so I can gross you out.  I think I'm going to take a picture of it...keep it on this blog and then when I'm back to food and if I'm doing dumb stuff like letting myself gain weight I'll look at that picture.

I seriously hate the back fat...it's a new kind of fat for me.  I just noticed it about 6 months ago.  I'm sure it was there before, but I felt it 6 months ago.  It hangs over my pants!  It is so uncomfortable.  It sits between me and my chair.  Like a spare tire in the back!  That did not happen before!  Next login may be a big ugly picture of back fat...just warning you!

Day 4

Saturday we went to the highland games.  That proved to be a little too taxing...I started to feel the lack of calories, my legs felt like jello.  I ended up sitting under a tree for the rest of the highland games watching the sheep dog trials.  I looked at my pedometer that night and realized I took 11000 steps!  We aren't supposed to be exercising that much in the beginning.  Sunday my sister came over with her family...we went swimming.  It came time for dinner and we opted to do pizza.  I didn't even crave it!  My sister said she was doing half of a slim fast shake every 3 hours and a lean cuisine for lunch.  She said she was craving the pizza a lot, but didn't eat it.

I don't know why but I'm bothered that she has decided now of all times to go on a strict diet.  It would be nice if she just supported me, but I kinda feel like she is trying to compete.  I don't really want to compete with anyone.

I've been reading my book and just trying to understand why I feel and there fore eat (ate) the way I did.  The closet eating is something I may delve into more.  I have a fear of being alone, but I think that might be a chicken or egg thing.  If I'm home alone I eat like a PIG!  No one can see me, so I just go nuts!  So, is it that I don't like to be alone because I will overeat?  Or is it I overeat because I'm alone?  Perhaps a mix of both...but I think the alone thing is a big deal for me, so I want to work on that more.

My clothes are looser already.  My Wii says I lost about 3 pounds (I won't actually let it tell me how much I weigh)  It just gives me BMI and hey you lost 2 pounds since last time or you lost 1 pound...blah blah blah and I'm purposely not keeping track.  My co-worker (the one I can barely understand) said I looked like I lost weight, but I think that is the dehydration...it pulls the skin in around my neck (that's the cancer patient look I was talking about).

Weigh in is Thursday with another class.  I may check in before then.

Day 1

Okay so as with any diet I started gung ho!  I did everything just like I was supposed to, I drank enough water (supposed to drink 80 to 125 ozs!) I exercised for an hour.  Hopefully I can keep the momentum up!  Here are some things I learned today.  I had 5 shakes (2-I have to put fiber in...I chose the chocolate ones for that).  I put Tarani (I'm sure I spelled that wrong) sugar free syrups in the shakes.  I put the almond roca flavor in a vanilla shake...not at all impressed with that.  I'm going to try it in chocolate tomorrow.  The Lemon syrup in the vanilla shake was completely uneventful.  I had a chocolate shake with caramel...that was good, but the weird part...I had a piece of pineapple gum afterwards and it totally tasted like marajuana!  Strawberry syrup in vanilla tastes good but smells like pepto bismo.

At about 2pm I felt faint and got a bitch of a headache...I had some soup (its basically a broth they gave me)  I fell asleep by the pool and when I woke up I felt better.

I almost forgot I don't eat at all.  My friend walked by my desk and offered me a cookie...I said oooh yes took it and realized SHIT!  I can't eat that!  So I had to toss it.

I had my phone in my front lower pouch of my shirt today.  I was making a shake and I must have hit the phone...it called my friend.  She called back and said you butt dialed me!  I answered actually my stomach called you pleading for HELP!  I could eat a whole cow right now I'm sure of it!

Step son just got here last night.  I was home with him most of the day.  I feel bad...I'm super cranky!

Oh!  I almost forgot!  Sis called today asking how the diet was going.  I told her okay.  She said maybe I could start slimfast but just drink half the shakes...that pretty much what you are doing...I said well mine is medically supervised...they test my blood every other week...I don't know if it would be safe to do that with slimfast.  I noticed she all of a sudden is talking about going on a diet...

So that's day 1 in a nut shell.

Class tonight start weight (OH GOD! 216)

We got our "product" today.  It came in the room on a meal cart...how ironic!  We did some talking about random stuff.  I came away with a few quotes:

"Don't hang yourself just because the rope is free"  This pertained to what we were talking about earlier in the blog about buying food and finishing it.

"You can be really full and emotionally empty"

Then we did a fill in the blank "Overeating_____me and keeps me from feeling_____"
The one that fit for me was distracts, fully alive.  Let me go further.  I have problems with praise and compliments...I have trust issues...food and weight distract me from thinking about why I basically have shame...of what I'm not sure, but I have shame...its why I can't take a compliment, I don't feel like I deserve it...as if I'm unworthy.  Not feeling fully alive helps me not FEEL negative feelings.  I'm very good at detaching my head from my heart if that makes any sense.  I'm so preoccupied with feeling guilt re: food or not losing weight...I'm to distracted to feel.  I know it sounds odd, but it fits.  I need to figure out what that is all about.  I had a problem with compliments when I was thin too, so if I don't deal with it ultimately it will sabotage everything.

So I came home and prepared all my shakes for tomorrow.  I'll check in tomorrow and let you know how that is.  Until then.

I figured this was for a seperate entry.

One thing I have been doing is self reflecting.  I've always had a yes problem.  I'm a people pleaser.  This has been sometimes to my detriment.  I'm not blaming anyone but myself.  My cousin made a quiche for a family event once.  I had been on atkins and lost about 20 pounds.  She kept asking to please try her quiche.  I told her I really couldn't because it had flour in it and I couldn't have flour.  She said I made it for you though...I knew in your diet you had eggs and green chile and cheese and I know how much you like green chile.  I felt guilty and I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I ate it.  When you go off atkins it takes 3 days to get back in ketosis and you gain almost 10 pounds of water all at once.

At work I get on committees and say yes to way too many things...to the point where I'm overworked and it would impact my performance if I didn't take it home.  I'm learning to say no.  It's not easy.  I feel like I let people down.

Hopefully I can work on that and my other problem of trying to fix what is not necessarily mine to fix...this includes trying to fix people!

I can say that I've found a new peace at work.  Even thought there are two women (one formally what I would call a friend) now hate me...I'm oddly very okay with it all.  I mean I wish they didn't HATE me...I'd prefer they just didn't like me much, but either way its an okay thing for me at this point.

I better get this in before I get behind!

So my class was last Thursday and it went okay...just okay.  There was some rough moments were I was certain there was going to be an issue.  One particular moment was when the counselor asked "why do you think you got fat"  she asked it just like that.  They are very blunt.  She said "don't say the weight came back, like its an entity with its own mind waiting in a closet ready to attach to your ass when your not looking!  You choose to get fat...you choose to allow yourself to eat things in excess or wrong that will make you fat!"  So my issue was when someone said slow metabolism.  She said bull shit!  No is born fat!  I disagree.  I have a friend I work with he and his wife are bean poles, but their adopted daughter (age 7) is obese.  He and his wife eat healthy and exercise and try to encourage their daughter to as well.  They even sent her to a nutritionist to educate her on healthy choices (at 7!).  Then someone said big bones.  She again said bull shit!  I had to chime in then...I have big bones.  I don't use that for an excuse for why I'm fat, but it does make me weigh more!  At 140 pounds you can see my bones on my ribs from my back!  A person with small bones would be overweight at 140 pounds at my height.  I then dropped it and spoke to her after class.  I plan to leave the fast at 150-160...that according to the BMI chart is overweight but not when you take into account my large bone structure.  She assured me she would be supportive when that time came.  I don't know if I trust her though...she seems very opinionated about that...(I say bullshit!)

So I had lunch with Sis on Friday.  As we ate we talked about the fast...she keeps asking me when do I start...she seems very interested in it.  She said something I thought was strange but I had to self reflect and see if it was true.  She said Mom thought that I gained my weight to punish my ex.  It sounded nuts.  How would me gaining weight punish my EX...seems it would punish ME!  Then she said a "good wife" is supposed to take care of herself for her husband.  I said I will be honest probably about 20 % of why I am doing this is for my husband....he hasn't asked me to...in fact he has said he loves my body the way it is and I believe him.  The other 80% is for me. I then said I call BS on the "good wife" crap.  Ex and current husband both married me when I was overweight.  I was a size 16 when I married my ex...I'm a 16 to 18 now...I was a 16 when we divorced.  She said it's not fair to the husband if you let yourself go.  WTF?!  She said she read that in a book...most times I would encourage reading, but in this case put that book down!  Serious!?  So the expectation is that wives don't gain weight, wrinkle or sag?!  Give me a break!  She's warped and I didn't even want to start that conversation.

The part that scares me about that conversation is that I know that is how she thinks...she judges!  She once said poor uncle so and so, aunt so and so totally let herself go...no wonder he cheated.  What a bizarre way of thinking!  Uncle so and so cheated because he's damaged.  Aunt so and so didn't "let herself go" she got OLD!  It's hard listening to my sister sometimes.

So my class is tomorrow.  I'm not sure if I will start the fast tomorrow night or Friday morning.  I'm glad its close to the weekend because I remember last time when I started this program I slept for nearly 2 days until my body adjusted to 400 calories per day.  I bought a hand blender and a neat ice shaker thing for my shakes.  I also bought flavored syrups that are calorie free to add to the shakes.  I'm ready!

Tonight's my class!

It seems all week that people have been inviting me to things for Thursday night.  For some I say sorry I have plans...for the ones who know I'm starting Optifast I tell them I'm going to my anger management class.  They'll teach me how to not kill anyone for 20 or so weeks that I don't eat solid food.

I've been trying to think about what I will do with my time at lunch.  I need only drink a glass of watered substitute...what will I do for the other 25 minutes?  I thought about going to lunch with one of my friends just to keep her company...or maybe walking around the campus.  I have a crazy stalker lady though and I don't want to run into her so I avoid walking outside my building.

I was pretty traumatized over my cousins.  They used to do girls day with just my sister...I wasn't invited.  They went on a cruise and had a huge fight.  My cousin C ended up hanging over a balcony at the end of it!  My other cousin pulled her up with my sister and then beat the crap out of C for being so stupid.  That's when they decided they needed a 4th person to balance things out.  The first girls day I did with them they both got uber drunk at the spa we were at.  People were laughing at them...Linda started cussing at one of the people who was laughing at her.  Then Cathy for some reason refused to get in the car!  Linda again started smacking her telling her to "get in the fucking car!".  This last one is really odd.  Linda has a huge house!  For some ODD reason L and C were sleeping in L's bed even though there were 2 empty bedrooms in the house.  sis and I were on the other side of the house when C came in to get us saying she needed help with L.  Lwas on the floor when we got in the room.  C said she turned the TV on because she needs noise to sleep.  Ltold her to shut it off...C refused.  L got up and fell.  When C went over with sis to lift L into the bed L smacked at C saying "get the fuck away from me!  Don't fucking touch me!"  C ignored her.  L kicked her.  Then said she had to go the bathroom.  Sis was trying to help her to the bathroom every time C would move or talk Lwould go nuts.  L is on the toilet cussing out C ... C goes in and rips L off the toilet and throws her naked ass to the ground and starts dragging her back to the bed.  This is when I went back to my room...I really hate drama.  A little while later C came out and said she was going home.  I said no, you are drunk...either call someone to pick you up or sleep in this other room.  She went to her car and promised she would just sleep in her car...an hour later I heard her drive away.  The next morning L woke with a sore from a rug burn under her eye and a black and blue jaw.  Crazy ass night.  I haven't spent anytime alone with either since then...big family functions only.

I'm wondering what this class is going to be about tonight.  The last time I did this we started the supplement the first night of class. They said I won't start the supplement until the 23rd.  Last time we thought we were going to start the supplement the next day after the class, but the counselor said you start tonight...a lot of people had planned a "last meal" with their family.  He said why sabotage yourself before you even begin!?  Start tonight!  That threw a lot of us off.  I started that night, but always wished I had gone for a Rubios lobster burrito instead.  I hope they don't trick us with that tonight because I won't start tonight or this week for that matter.  The wine is being judged at the fair on Saturday and I'm tasting!  Besides its the FAIR!  I know there will always be something but when I've lost the weight eating or drinking causes me to lose everything I worked for...right now I lose nothing by waiting a week.  Does that sound like self talk?  I think it does.  We'll see.

I haven't told many people.

My book says that I'm supposed to tell my family and friends and ask for their support.  I already went through this once...I know who is going to support me and who will not.

I have a co-worker that every time she sees me she asks if I'm on a diet...she is always on a diet...Jenny Craig kicked her out (she's anorexic)  I think she's a little nutty, but we have got along okay.  I didn't realize how truly damaged she was until recently when she blasted me on an email about a work issue where she cc'ed the whole building!  It was ugly.  I don't usually have people after me at work; for the most part I'm well liked.  There is one lady who has hated me since I started; we are like oil and water...that is just how it is.  We fake it and say hi to each other, but recently at work I've just been tired of it, she talks behind my back all the time to anyone who will listen and I got tired of it.  After my diet co-worker blasted me the lady that hates me and her got a bit chummy.  I've pretty much just decided to stay away from both of them...so there's a little of the drama at work.  That's just scraping the surface...there is a lot of weird shit going on...management changes, I'm pretty sure my dean (who I have a love hate relationship with) is losing it.  That's kind of upsetting but worse some of the directives that come out of his office scare the hell out of me!

I told two people who tried to support me last time but then got very concerned about me when I started looking sickly that I was going to start the optifast again.  They both were like "are you crazy?"  I told them I've got a lot of different reasons for why I'm doing it this time and I have a plan for when I lose the weight (something I didn't have before.)  They seem to be on board, but we'll see.

I am definitely listening to my inner self more this time around.  I know myself better and I know where my trouble spots are when it comes to self talk.  I am paying attention to how I eat right now and how John and Michael and my friends all eat.  How and why they eat.  I'll need that when it's time to go back to food and I will have to eat different.

At your response:  That must take a lot of self control to eat all the protein then veg then starch.  The starch is so good usually!  Doesn't it get tricky when it's like mexican?  Chips first and most of the protein wrapped in the starch?  How does that work?

I'm learning about moderation.  My cousins drink way to much...we had major drama (fist fight and drunk driving at 1am) last time we had girls night.  I vowed not to go again.  They wanted to go this weekend and I said no.  Sis told them its okay to drink but when you have a nice buzz STOP!  More does not mean a better buzz...I put that to food...when your satisfied (not full) STOP!  More won't make it taste better and you'll just be uncomfortably full AND have to work it off later!

It's been a crazy 2 weeks with Vegas and kid/work drama.  I'm actually looking forward to my class this Thursday.