So I'm unsure about a lot of things. Even though Hubby and I have talked about this there is still a small voice in the back of my head saying you aren't at the right weight! You should be 149. That would put you at a "normal BMI" 152 is still overweight and 157 at night is more overweight! Shit I'm unsure about what weight to trust! The morning, the evening or the program!
I'm unsure about if I can get a handle on my compulsive overeating. It's a disease and it consumes me. What if I go to food and I get a taste and then I can't "tame the chew"?! What if I don't follow the portions?
I'm unsure about why I want to eat now. Why now? If I wait until I get to 150 at the program isn't that where I wanted to be? I'm wondering if I want to eat now so I can leave this awful class that just started where I don't feel like I fit in AT ALL! I met a nice lady last week and there are two guys left from my last class but the rest I can't relate to at all and I don't like how they look at me...is that why I want to start eating now...to just get out? I know this program is MY journey, but am I letting that dictate the road I take right now? I'm not sure!
I'm not sure if I'm happy with the way my body looks right now, but I'm not sure I ever will be happy with it. That is part of the disease and I know that. I have to learn to just accept my body the way it is, 40, bumpy, lumpy, but a lot leaner.
One thing I am pretty sure about. This is sustainable I can sustain this weight without killing myself with exercise and starving myself. If I get too thin I won't be able to sustain that...I learned that from last time. The other thing I am sure about if I start to gain I can always fall back on the shakes. It will be a bitch in a half, but I can catch myself before I fall too far. The other thing I am sure of...I'm not alone. I have you, I have John, I have the program and I'm reaching out this time. I'm not secretly holding all these emotions, secrets and fears. I'm laying them out there for you to see and then call me on my bullshit when I need that or just reassure me that I'm not crazy or maybe tell me I AM acting crazy...whatever it takes!
I can do this. If it starts to get hard...I'll call the program, you and John and I'll ask for help, pep talk and guidance. I'm sure that the only way to a normal, healthy life is by actually eating food not 5 shakes a day with soy sauce soup! I'm sure I want a normal, healthy life that is why I did this in the first place. I will take what I have learned and start putting it to work and when I'm unsure I will "fake it until I make it!"
1 comment:
You're not crazy. You' ve invested a lot of time, energy, and though into this go at it. You want to do it for the right reasons, and unless a person is Ghandi or MLK sometimes the right answer doesn't just jump out at us!
Maybe you're unsure because this time is so different than the first time and that's good bit also makes this second time very new.
You sound like you're making smart and informed decisions. Not crazy insane decisions. You're good there.
I think your looking at how this can all be sustainable and if you slip off the wagon it's not the end of the world is very healthy.
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