Day 65

Weigh in last night 181.  I start my period in 5 days...I'm retaining water like a buffalo....my expectations were low so I'm not disappointed.

It's funny I was thinking about it and the last time I did this...I did it because my doctor said I needed to lose weight...and they had a "great program here at Kaiser" and I checked it out...it was so extreme I loved it.  This time I'm doing it because I want to do it for me and the only draw back is how extreme it is!

So yes the class is getting deep.  Familiar girl showed up yesterday and tried very hard to keep it light so she wouldn't lose it.  She talked about eating a MONTE CRISTO at disneyland...WTF?  How do you go from no food to that...she is certifiable!

Back to the deepness.  I'm not blaming my mom or the way I was raised on me being overweight...I never will.  I chose to numb myself with food and I'm an addict when it comes to food plain and simple, not my mom's fault...not cheating Ben's fault.  I do like that I'm learning how and why I tick the way I do though.  I'm learning my triggers.  Some are hormonal...before my period I'm hungry.  I've said this before but when I'm sad, anxious or scared I get hungry.  I need to learn how to fight the urge to eat during those times.  Those are the worst most dangerous times for me to eat.

So I had like a flashback epiphany thing in class last night.  We drew a picture...I promise I will upload this picture if I have to take a picture with my camera because I'm a scanner moran I will!  So we drew a picture of our family unit.  We gave them words.  Then focus on the one that had the most profound effect...what words did they say...what did it mean, how did you feel?  I've been focusing on my mom a lot lately.  I love her...the mom that died a few years ago is NOT the mom I grew up with.  My mom changed after she got sick and when she pulled out of the sickness I really loved that new mom.  She was soft, vulnerable and there was no doubt in my mind that she loved me.  So I drew my mom, my sister and me.  Crystal was saying "Do I have to watch her tonight?!"  My mom was saying "Henry's daughter gets straight A's.  Missy is modeling, if you would stop talking and listen more you could get A's too...if you would stop wearing so much make up I bet you could be a model"  So I thought what my mom was saying was the most profound...what did it mean?  My mom obviously had an expectation and I wasn't meeting it.  I couldn't be what she wanted me to be I wasn't good enough....How did I feel?  I felt like a disappointment...it made me want to be perfect...to over achieve.  The counselor said she wanted a lot from you.  You already were at a deficit without a dad and then she expected you to achieve what other kids did that have both parents.  I nodded and looked back at my picture.  Someone else began to share.  I was focusing on Crystal.  WAIT!  What did she say?  "Do I have to watch her again tonight?!"  Then it hit me like a ton of bricks!  I didn't have my dad almost my entire life!  He went to jail when I was 8 months old.  I didn't get to have visits with him until I was 8 years old,  he died when I was 11.  What was it that my mom and sister had said?  It came back to me.  My dad thought that I was why my mom filed for divorce...he blamed me.  The marriage was fine until I was born...Crystal had said that.  The day mom gave him the divorce docs he poured gasoline IN MY CRIB and all over the house and lit a match to it.  He went to jail for arson...they tried to get him on attempted murder but my grandmother got him a good lawyer.  I sat looking at my picture of Crystal and the expression I had drew for her.  I was a burden.  I was why her dad not only got thrown out but then went to jail!  She had to resent me for that.  When she talks about what her dad told her or taught her I kind of resent it.  She got to grow up with a dad that taught her stuff.

The counselor again tonight mentioned I have a lot of grief I still need to work through.  I don't grieve my dad...I grieve a dad.  I never had one.  I GRIEVE my mom...I think about her all the time everyday.  It was such a blessing to have her those years after the cancer.  The doctors called her a miracle and she was, but I think God gave me the mom I needed and wanted after the cancer and that mom I love and miss everyday.  I don't see how I will ever get over that grief.

The relationship between my sister and I is so complex, but after the epiphany a lot of things made sense...the way she treated me as I grew up.  Mom said when I was born she would wake with me in the night feed me change my diapers and nurture me.  That stopped after the fire.  I know why now.  I was to blame in her mind.  After that fire I was a burden to her and trust me I sensed it.  I now try to impress her.  I treat her as if she is a second mother...she has an uncanny way of putting out the guilt and I buy it,  I take it and I roll in it like a dog with a dead animal.

So I have lots to work through clearly.