Day 58

Last night weight 183.

I started the other blog for OA...interesting.  I'll probably share some of that at some point.  Here are a few sound bites from last night.

"You need to find that spark that motivates you through this program...whatever is going on in you right now that stops you from eating right now, name it, give it color and an image and put it somewhere safe...you will need it when you go back to food.  Make it your priority and keep it in front of your mind"  Priority = I like the way I look.  I want to be healthy (In my mind I don't want to be diabetic...I like my feet!)

"going back to food is like going back to a toxic relationship"  There will be trust issues and a new set of boundaries will be set in place in order for the relationship to work.

Relapse looks like this:  I say I really don't want to go to the store and get food to prepare.  Picture yourself standing on the edge of the slope...this relates to not planning meals.

Eat on a salad plate, not my gigantic new pretty Mikasa plates (dammit), Eat with a salad fork or better yet chop sticks. (play with your food in a slow way...make it a ceremony.  Every time you eat acknowledge "I am about to put food in my mouth!")  No distracted eating...it doesn't register in your brain that you ate (distractions = driving, movies, working at desk or computer, TV)

Check out this book "Fit from within" (meditations re: food)

Do I have room to put the rest of the family stuff?  So we continued to go over family past experiences.

So we were told to think of a positive message that you felt in the family (basically and overall vibe) Some people said the vibe was that no matter what my family had my back.  For me I had the hardest time answering that.  What message did I get from my mom...unfortunately I could not come up with many positive without a negative.  My mom was a fun person, but every compliment was usually followed by a criticism.  The common vibe in my family from both mom and sis...I was pretty and outgoing...followed by I was vain and I talked to much because I always wanted attention.  I'm smart...too smart for my own good or a smart ASS.

Then  we were asked to describe a negative vibe.

One lady talked about the vibe...she was the eldest sister and had to take care of her younger siblings.  She missed out on lots of her childhood to make sure her younger siblings had a childhood.  The counselor gave that a $5 word (parentified)  My sister and Kitty came to mind.

One man talked about how his mother was depressed, but they didn't have a name for it when he was growing up.  His mom was often found in bed with a book.  (I like to curl up in bed with a book...hmmm) he said he felt like he was invisible.  The counselor said the inattentive, unavailable parent erodes childhood.

The counselor reminded us that we need to tell our stories...we need to be heard.

I didn't get to share my negative vibe.  I'll share on tomorrow's blog or maybe I'll wait until after I share with the class.

In parting the counselor gave us homework.  We are to think about how it feels in our body to have this elusive desire to be thin and healthy weight that goes up and down.

Also, big thinking here... If I always believed my mom was right and as the protective parent I needed her to be right, but the things she said to me growing up were negative, but she was right...which left me as I defined myself based on what my mom would say is that I was bad.  I gained weight to medicate and numb because I was bad.  Now here is where it gets really twisted.  When I'm losing weight, not being numb, dealing with my suppressed feelings I'm good.  If I'm good and not bad then my mom was wrong...but I need her to be right, because she's my mom so by default she's right.    The big question Can I tolerate that now?  Unconsciously can I tolerate making her wrong.

Now we were warned working through this might trigger food cravings...we are basically stirring our mental pot this week.  What are the feelings you have where does it get triggered now?