So I haven't had my period. It's a week late. I'm not pregnant I KNOW that, but I'm still freaked. I don't feel right when I don't have one. It's caused quite a bit of anxiety. So Friday as you know I binged. I had a planned kahlua and coffee and then just LOST it. Popcorn, bread it was a bad scene.
Last night I was home with youngest son ...he is in his room and all I can think about is eating everything in my pantry! I had a piece of choco peanut butter low carb which was within my calorie limit, but after that I was so anxious I thought I would explode! It took all my will not to eat like a nut!
Today I called the psych department and made and appointment with my eating disorder counselor. Soonest appointment is January 18th, but that's okay. I need to work this binge need thing out. I won't binge and purge. I won't let myself purge anymore. I'm going to talk to the program on Thursday and let them know the binge issue and tell them that I'm going into counseling right after I'm off shakes completely but before maintenance. The timing is just luck.
The great thing is this time I have Hubby and you. I had no support last time and I had to quit the program. I feel really good about this. I didn't plan to have this binge urge thing when it was done, but I'm seeing it...I'm catching it and I'm going to try to do something about it.
So that's where I am. How are you?!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
And then there was the need for chocolate
Not some chocolate water, but real chocolate that I can chew! Auntie Flow should be arriving tomorrow or the next day according to my period tracker app and my what GOD I hope is water retention. I went from 148 to 150 in the last few days.
I'm craving chocolate peanut butter like a mad woman. I found some low carb PB cups on a website. "Like!" I had one last night...so good.
Since I'm no longer fasting I don't think I need to log the days anymore.
I started today with 1 slice of cinnamon raisin 1 carb bread from julian bakery. Very nice toasted. I had 6oz of carrot cake yogurt by carb masters (4 carbs). I'm full. I haven't had a shake yet...normally I would be 2 in by now. This could be a very nice thing! I keep telling myself that even if I weigh more this week...I'm below 700 calories everyday...I exercise and I'm not hungry so at some point my body will give up and work with me and either start losing again or maintain, but gaining weight when eating less than 1000 per day is not normal and I can't imagine it being continuous.
You warned me and I listened but I fell in it too...shopping has also become my hobby. When I get the urge yes I grab my book and go read in a quiet place or I do sit ups or I walk or I just sit and rock like a crazy person. I do the same when I'm craving food. I have not resorted to screaming into my pillow but that day will come I am sure! Quilting is to much of a relaxing thing to do when I'm in my crazy must have moment and I would for sure fuck up whatever it was I was sewing or stitching.
So that is where I am today. :o) Welcome to my madness.
I'm craving chocolate peanut butter like a mad woman. I found some low carb PB cups on a website. "Like!" I had one last night...so good.
Since I'm no longer fasting I don't think I need to log the days anymore.
I started today with 1 slice of cinnamon raisin 1 carb bread from julian bakery. Very nice toasted. I had 6oz of carrot cake yogurt by carb masters (4 carbs). I'm full. I haven't had a shake yet...normally I would be 2 in by now. This could be a very nice thing! I keep telling myself that even if I weigh more this week...I'm below 700 calories everyday...I exercise and I'm not hungry so at some point my body will give up and work with me and either start losing again or maintain, but gaining weight when eating less than 1000 per day is not normal and I can't imagine it being continuous.
You warned me and I listened but I fell in it too...shopping has also become my hobby. When I get the urge yes I grab my book and go read in a quiet place or I do sit ups or I walk or I just sit and rock like a crazy person. I do the same when I'm craving food. I have not resorted to screaming into my pillow but that day will come I am sure! Quilting is to much of a relaxing thing to do when I'm in my crazy must have moment and I would for sure fuck up whatever it was I was sewing or stitching.
So that is where I am today. :o) Welcome to my madness.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Day 141, start of week 23
Okay so I lost 1 pound at weigh in. THAT is okay! I was really worried that with the food intro I would gain! When I got on the scale naked this morning 148.8. My counselor said "Pick a scale" I like what my scale says in the morning so I pick that one (Picachu I choose YOU!)
I think the texting thing is going to be AWESOME! If nothing else it will bring us even closer together (as if that could happen, but I already feel closer to you just from sharing this blog with you and now the texts)
Yesterday was such a bizarre day. I felt almost manic! I got to the class knowing I needed to see the P.A about the potassium, the nutritionist about the bread/milk thing and that I needed to do blood work. Top that with "oh my GOD what will I weigh now that I broke the seal?". I get to the program and check in, get on the scale...1 pound loss (disappointed, but not really did I expect to lose 5 pounds and eat?!) I do my blood work and then go to the room where the dietician is. There is a lady in there and I start to tell her my concern..she says the dietician isn't here after 5:30 (its 5:45) but she can help me and takes me to her office. I sound like a nut I am sure. I tell her my food addiction stuff, what I am abstaining from. She says you know just do yogurt and for the bread you can have corn tortilla, potatoes...I shake my head...really that is too many carbs. Her eyes narrow and she says you know what would help you? Steven's food addiction class (I was contemplating his class before I decided to re-up for the 20 weeks) I said okay. She tells me that this week would be the last week to be able to sign up so that was serendipitous...now go tell Sherri tonight tonight will be your last night in her class. There is a weight in my stomach as soon as that last line leaves her mouth. Mouse like I say okay and head to class. When Sherri comes in I talk to her. I tell her what was said, my concerns and she says "Nib, I know you. This is not about the food addiction stuff...this is your anxiety stuff. You are afraid of food, of losing control. You are afraid if you eat the carbs you'll lose control. Take what you have learned in the class and put it to work. If you want to leave this class I won't stop you, but I would recommend you sleep on it." As soon as she said that I knew. This is NOT about my carb stuff. I am afraid to eat bread and milk...I know that with veg and meat I can sneak a little more than they say (I hadn't until last night) and it would not effect anything because of the chemical stuff going on with the ketosis, but milk and bread throw me out of ketosis and I can't sneak large quantities...calories count! Steven's class loops every 8 weeks. If I really want to go to that class I can go after I get my shit together in Sherri's class. She's right.
So. I am still going to low carb it...not because I want to eat whatever I want but because I just feel better, but I'm going to stick with the program and follow the guidelines...if that means I'm out of ketosis then ok. I am going to stay in Sherri's class. When I came home and talked to Hubby he said this is a no brainer. Sherri knows you...she's got your number!
So what the hell happened last night!? Youngest son wanted to get a midnight release of a game. We were all tired (only son had a nap) and I had a very draining day. Hubby took son to get the game at 11:45pm. I found myself alone. At first all was fine. I did my farmville, but when I had nothing left to plant I suddenly found myself in front of the refrigerator with a bag of grilled chicken in my hand! I ate it! Thinking oh no! I have to text beans now...the FIRST NIGHT and she hasn't even agreed to do it! WTF?! Then I was a crazy woman...what else can I have? There they were in the back of the fridge and I saw the 0. Pickles have 0 calories! This could be dangerous. I ate one. It didn't even taste that good but I still continued to eat it with a fork and knife. Half the pickle gone and I stopped. This is stupid. I'm not hungry...I'm tired, I'm cold, I'm alone...I'M ALONE! That is what this is about. I put the other half of the pickle in the jar picked up my iPad and layed down to read a book. Calm under my electric blanket. Hubby came home and to bed we went. I really need to work through this alone shit some more!
I think the texting thing is going to be AWESOME! If nothing else it will bring us even closer together (as if that could happen, but I already feel closer to you just from sharing this blog with you and now the texts)
Yesterday was such a bizarre day. I felt almost manic! I got to the class knowing I needed to see the P.A about the potassium, the nutritionist about the bread/milk thing and that I needed to do blood work. Top that with "oh my GOD what will I weigh now that I broke the seal?". I get to the program and check in, get on the scale...1 pound loss (disappointed, but not really did I expect to lose 5 pounds and eat?!) I do my blood work and then go to the room where the dietician is. There is a lady in there and I start to tell her my concern..she says the dietician isn't here after 5:30 (its 5:45) but she can help me and takes me to her office. I sound like a nut I am sure. I tell her my food addiction stuff, what I am abstaining from. She says you know just do yogurt and for the bread you can have corn tortilla, potatoes...I shake my head...really that is too many carbs. Her eyes narrow and she says you know what would help you? Steven's food addiction class (I was contemplating his class before I decided to re-up for the 20 weeks) I said okay. She tells me that this week would be the last week to be able to sign up so that was serendipitous...now go tell Sherri tonight tonight will be your last night in her class. There is a weight in my stomach as soon as that last line leaves her mouth. Mouse like I say okay and head to class. When Sherri comes in I talk to her. I tell her what was said, my concerns and she says "Nib, I know you. This is not about the food addiction stuff...this is your anxiety stuff. You are afraid of food, of losing control. You are afraid if you eat the carbs you'll lose control. Take what you have learned in the class and put it to work. If you want to leave this class I won't stop you, but I would recommend you sleep on it." As soon as she said that I knew. This is NOT about my carb stuff. I am afraid to eat bread and milk...I know that with veg and meat I can sneak a little more than they say (I hadn't until last night) and it would not effect anything because of the chemical stuff going on with the ketosis, but milk and bread throw me out of ketosis and I can't sneak large quantities...calories count! Steven's class loops every 8 weeks. If I really want to go to that class I can go after I get my shit together in Sherri's class. She's right.
So. I am still going to low carb it...not because I want to eat whatever I want but because I just feel better, but I'm going to stick with the program and follow the guidelines...if that means I'm out of ketosis then ok. I am going to stay in Sherri's class. When I came home and talked to Hubby he said this is a no brainer. Sherri knows you...she's got your number!
So what the hell happened last night!? Youngest son wanted to get a midnight release of a game. We were all tired (only son had a nap) and I had a very draining day. Hubby took son to get the game at 11:45pm. I found myself alone. At first all was fine. I did my farmville, but when I had nothing left to plant I suddenly found myself in front of the refrigerator with a bag of grilled chicken in my hand! I ate it! Thinking oh no! I have to text beans now...the FIRST NIGHT and she hasn't even agreed to do it! WTF?! Then I was a crazy woman...what else can I have? There they were in the back of the fridge and I saw the 0. Pickles have 0 calories! This could be dangerous. I ate one. It didn't even taste that good but I still continued to eat it with a fork and knife. Half the pickle gone and I stopped. This is stupid. I'm not hungry...I'm tired, I'm cold, I'm alone...I'M ALONE! That is what this is about. I put the other half of the pickle in the jar picked up my iPad and layed down to read a book. Calm under my electric blanket. Hubby came home and to bed we went. I really need to work through this alone shit some more!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Day 140, ending week 22
Weigh in tonight! First time since I began eating food. I'm scared and anxious and I don't know why. I've done everything the way I'm supposed to. I weigh my food and measure with a measuring cup and spoons. I'm drinking the water and the shakes. For some reason I'm just scared! A few epiphanies:
1. I figured out the potassium problem. I have to have 4-5 shakes, food, and 2 soups with soy sauce each day plus take a potassium supplement. My numbers for potassium keep coming back high. I figured it out. It's the damn SOUPS! They have 11% of my daily recommended allowance of potassium in one! I drink 2...then I take a supplement that gives me 100% of what I need! I stopped taking the soup and now I have beef broth. The difference 40 calories less, no carbs and no potassium in the broth. I don't add soy sauce because there is enough in the broth.
2. This plan isn't going to work period. I am addicted to food. I am addicted to sugar and flour. In a week they expect me to go to bread and milk with my veg and meat. I can't let that happen. John says go with the flow, but I know me. There will be no flow. I need to abstain. I must. I went to OA today and just accepted it. So what to do? I'm going to talk to the nutritionist tonight and see if we can revamp this. I have some thoughts, but I figure I will let them go and see what they come up with...isn't that what I paid for? The plan for me is to ultimately follow the curves plan...its not as nuts as Atkins, the caloric intake is 1000 a day (similar to this plan) but more protein and FAR less carbs, flour and sugar from milk and fruit.
3. I need a food buddy. I have an idea if you are willing. I don't know if you have the same problems I do...but I need accountability. There are a few ways I can do it. In OA people send sponsors a list of food they ate. That seems like TMI to me. I was thinking something a little more modified. I have this fitness pal app. and you can add friends. You log what you eat and exercise. I sent the invite to you. This way you can see if I'm going over calorie or not exercising. The other thing and I don't know if you want to do this or not but I think it might be a good thing. When you eat something either that you should not OR you eat something excessively you text me (and I will text you) what it was and how much was. I have a feeling if I have or you have to tell what we are doing we might not let ourselves go there! It's worth a try! What do you think? I need a food buddy, but we are both so busy I may not be able to answer the phone when you are about to eat something. I think we have to think ahead.
So my OA meeting was very insightful. This was the one that does the step study and I think I need that. I need more structure. I liked the class and I plan to go again next week. Figuring out how to eat at work then go on my lunch break to the meeting then going to my class at night is difficult but I need it and I think I will force it to work.
I also think I need to join Curves. I'll be doing the diet plan in the end and I need to go to a place regarding exercise that holds me accountable. It's 3 days a week 30 minutes. I'll just go after work. I can do this and I forget about me the minute I walk in the door. I need to make it a priority. If I'm paying for it AND I make time away from work I think I will do it. It's worth a try.
There it is in a nut shell.
1. I figured out the potassium problem. I have to have 4-5 shakes, food, and 2 soups with soy sauce each day plus take a potassium supplement. My numbers for potassium keep coming back high. I figured it out. It's the damn SOUPS! They have 11% of my daily recommended allowance of potassium in one! I drink 2...then I take a supplement that gives me 100% of what I need! I stopped taking the soup and now I have beef broth. The difference 40 calories less, no carbs and no potassium in the broth. I don't add soy sauce because there is enough in the broth.
2. This plan isn't going to work period. I am addicted to food. I am addicted to sugar and flour. In a week they expect me to go to bread and milk with my veg and meat. I can't let that happen. John says go with the flow, but I know me. There will be no flow. I need to abstain. I must. I went to OA today and just accepted it. So what to do? I'm going to talk to the nutritionist tonight and see if we can revamp this. I have some thoughts, but I figure I will let them go and see what they come up with...isn't that what I paid for? The plan for me is to ultimately follow the curves plan...its not as nuts as Atkins, the caloric intake is 1000 a day (similar to this plan) but more protein and FAR less carbs, flour and sugar from milk and fruit.
3. I need a food buddy. I have an idea if you are willing. I don't know if you have the same problems I do...but I need accountability. There are a few ways I can do it. In OA people send sponsors a list of food they ate. That seems like TMI to me. I was thinking something a little more modified. I have this fitness pal app. and you can add friends. You log what you eat and exercise. I sent the invite to you. This way you can see if I'm going over calorie or not exercising. The other thing and I don't know if you want to do this or not but I think it might be a good thing. When you eat something either that you should not OR you eat something excessively you text me (and I will text you) what it was and how much was. I have a feeling if I have or you have to tell what we are doing we might not let ourselves go there! It's worth a try! What do you think? I need a food buddy, but we are both so busy I may not be able to answer the phone when you are about to eat something. I think we have to think ahead.
So my OA meeting was very insightful. This was the one that does the step study and I think I need that. I need more structure. I liked the class and I plan to go again next week. Figuring out how to eat at work then go on my lunch break to the meeting then going to my class at night is difficult but I need it and I think I will force it to work.
I also think I need to join Curves. I'll be doing the diet plan in the end and I need to go to a place regarding exercise that holds me accountable. It's 3 days a week 30 minutes. I'll just go after work. I can do this and I forget about me the minute I walk in the door. I need to make it a priority. If I'm paying for it AND I make time away from work I think I will do it. It's worth a try.
There it is in a nut shell.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Day 137, Week 22?
I think it's 22...
Okay so San Francisco was cold! Friend runs warm. She has the windows open with shorts on and she's sweating! I'm in a hat, gloves, scarf, coat, sweatshirt and blanket and my teeth were chattering! It was nuts! I am soooo tired of being cold and my building is cold! I hate this! I can't wait until my metabolism gets to a point where this doesn't have such a profound effect on me!
So food! Day 2 of eating I had blackened salmon in downtown San Diego. Now, I am only supposed to have a 3oz piece of chicken or fish...no salt or salty seasons. I can add herbs, but no butter or oil. The salmon had some kind of oil (olive I suspect) on it. Here I am in a nice fancy place squeezing my fish between two napkins to get the oil out! It was delish though. Day 3 of eating, now we are in San Francisco. I had smoked albacore! AMAZING! What a wonderful place to go back to food at! I ate 2.5 oz because I wanted to leave room for an oyster! YUMMAY! Day 4, this day I can add a half of veg. Catherine says she has smoked salmon at the house. It's the kind you put on a bagel :o( Nothing to write home about, but I had a 1/2 cup of steamed green beans...I added a little rosemary and basil and YUM! I was so full after the green beans, mind you I still had to have 2 shakes after that! Day 5 I had seared ahi. WOW! and braised artichokes, once again there was oil so I had to put each artichoke piece and wipe with a napkin, but oh my WOW! We are back home tonight so I will have grilled chicken with steamed zucchini for dinner.
The way the break down for weening me off food is 5 shakes and 3 oz of lean meat for 3 days. Then 4-5 shakes from day 4-7 where I have 3 oz of lean meat and 1/2 cup steamed veg. On Day 8 just 4 shakes but I add 2 cups of salad and 1/2 of chopped raw veg to salad with everything else. I can only handle 4 shakes now that I added the veg. I have to still have the 2 soups with the soy sauce because of the low heart rate thing. Believe it or not that's a lot of food. I'm not ever hungry!
So how do I feel? Like I am sooo done! I am so anxious to not be having shakes and yet I am scared to not have the shakes. It's nuts! I do my daily OA reading and on Thursday I plan to attend the OA step study meeting at lunch time. Working out...I'm doing it. My calves are sore, but I'm sticking to it. Not hard in San Fran we did oodles of walking. I plan to do the bike from hell tonight. The step will hurt my sore calves even more so I will save that for Wednesday!
Okay so San Francisco was cold! Friend runs warm. She has the windows open with shorts on and she's sweating! I'm in a hat, gloves, scarf, coat, sweatshirt and blanket and my teeth were chattering! It was nuts! I am soooo tired of being cold and my building is cold! I hate this! I can't wait until my metabolism gets to a point where this doesn't have such a profound effect on me!
So food! Day 2 of eating I had blackened salmon in downtown San Diego. Now, I am only supposed to have a 3oz piece of chicken or fish...no salt or salty seasons. I can add herbs, but no butter or oil. The salmon had some kind of oil (olive I suspect) on it. Here I am in a nice fancy place squeezing my fish between two napkins to get the oil out! It was delish though. Day 3 of eating, now we are in San Francisco. I had smoked albacore! AMAZING! What a wonderful place to go back to food at! I ate 2.5 oz because I wanted to leave room for an oyster! YUMMAY! Day 4, this day I can add a half of veg. Catherine says she has smoked salmon at the house. It's the kind you put on a bagel :o( Nothing to write home about, but I had a 1/2 cup of steamed green beans...I added a little rosemary and basil and YUM! I was so full after the green beans, mind you I still had to have 2 shakes after that! Day 5 I had seared ahi. WOW! and braised artichokes, once again there was oil so I had to put each artichoke piece and wipe with a napkin, but oh my WOW! We are back home tonight so I will have grilled chicken with steamed zucchini for dinner.
The way the break down for weening me off food is 5 shakes and 3 oz of lean meat for 3 days. Then 4-5 shakes from day 4-7 where I have 3 oz of lean meat and 1/2 cup steamed veg. On Day 8 just 4 shakes but I add 2 cups of salad and 1/2 of chopped raw veg to salad with everything else. I can only handle 4 shakes now that I added the veg. I have to still have the 2 soups with the soy sauce because of the low heart rate thing. Believe it or not that's a lot of food. I'm not ever hungry!
So how do I feel? Like I am sooo done! I am so anxious to not be having shakes and yet I am scared to not have the shakes. It's nuts! I do my daily OA reading and on Thursday I plan to attend the OA step study meeting at lunch time. Working out...I'm doing it. My calves are sore, but I'm sticking to it. Not hard in San Fran we did oodles of walking. I plan to do the bike from hell tonight. The step will hurt my sore calves even more so I will save that for Wednesday!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Day 133, Week 21 started out with a phone call
So yesterday I went to the program did my blood work and found out that I was at my target of 160. I decided to go to PFE's. I left a message for my counselor who did not call me back and does not work until 6pm Thursday night. So what to do? I decided to go to sleep. 1am my phone is on vibrate, but it wakes me. I answer it and its a Doctor from Kaiser. He was just checking my labs (AT 1 AM!) and the potassium is unusually high. Am I on supplements? Of course...you have me on supplements, why am I on supplements? Because you said I have to for my program...what program...blah blah blah...look at my damn chart! He wants me to come in and get another blood draw...Okay! I'll be there first thing in the morning OH NO! I gotta go tonight! Right now! Hubby just had 2 wisdom teeth taken out and he's on Vicodin and 2 glasses of wine. I wake him and say I have to go to the ER my potassium is 6.6 (normal is 5) He says holy shit! Yes you do! He jumps up and is thinking how did she know her potassium levels? At the ER they check my heart rate 45 (normal is 60-90) So I get an EKG and a bed. I'm on a heart monitor. They take my blood and set up an IV just in case they have to shoot me full of some potassium counter active med. Meanwhile I'm hooked to heart machine with an alarm going off constantly because my heart rate is below normal. 1 hour later the doctor comes in and says my new potassium draw was normal and I can go home after I pay my $50 co-pay.
Hubby is not at all okay with the heart rate and basically insists I begin eating today. I go to the store and carefully pick out my chicken breast. I call the PA at my program and I get dumb one, but she's with it today and agrees I should go to PFE's but reduce my shakes to 5 a day but keep the soups with soy sauce. I get a food scale and carefully measure 3 oz of chicken. I grill it, shut off the TV and begin to eat. It feels weird having food getting stuck in my teeth. Last time I did this I threw up so now I know...eat slow, small bites. It takes over a half an hour to eat my one piece of chicken no bigger than the size of a deck of cards. I dip it in cholula chili lime hot sauce and its wonderful! When I stand up I am so full I can hardly move. I force myself to clean up dinner plates and the kitchen counter. Its nearly 3 hours later and I'm still quite full, but I'm supposed to still have a soup and a shake! I don't think the soup is going to happen tonight!
Well I'm off to exercise hope I don't puke!
Hubby is not at all okay with the heart rate and basically insists I begin eating today. I go to the store and carefully pick out my chicken breast. I call the PA at my program and I get dumb one, but she's with it today and agrees I should go to PFE's but reduce my shakes to 5 a day but keep the soups with soy sauce. I get a food scale and carefully measure 3 oz of chicken. I grill it, shut off the TV and begin to eat. It feels weird having food getting stuck in my teeth. Last time I did this I threw up so now I know...eat slow, small bites. It takes over a half an hour to eat my one piece of chicken no bigger than the size of a deck of cards. I dip it in cholula chili lime hot sauce and its wonderful! When I stand up I am so full I can hardly move. I force myself to clean up dinner plates and the kitchen counter. Its nearly 3 hours later and I'm still quite full, but I'm supposed to still have a soup and a shake! I don't think the soup is going to happen tonight!
Well I'm off to exercise hope I don't puke!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
UNSURE
So I'm unsure about a lot of things. Even though Hubby and I have talked about this there is still a small voice in the back of my head saying you aren't at the right weight! You should be 149. That would put you at a "normal BMI" 152 is still overweight and 157 at night is more overweight! Shit I'm unsure about what weight to trust! The morning, the evening or the program!
I'm unsure about if I can get a handle on my compulsive overeating. It's a disease and it consumes me. What if I go to food and I get a taste and then I can't "tame the chew"?! What if I don't follow the portions?
I'm unsure about why I want to eat now. Why now? If I wait until I get to 150 at the program isn't that where I wanted to be? I'm wondering if I want to eat now so I can leave this awful class that just started where I don't feel like I fit in AT ALL! I met a nice lady last week and there are two guys left from my last class but the rest I can't relate to at all and I don't like how they look at me...is that why I want to start eating now...to just get out? I know this program is MY journey, but am I letting that dictate the road I take right now? I'm not sure!
I'm not sure if I'm happy with the way my body looks right now, but I'm not sure I ever will be happy with it. That is part of the disease and I know that. I have to learn to just accept my body the way it is, 40, bumpy, lumpy, but a lot leaner.
One thing I am pretty sure about. This is sustainable I can sustain this weight without killing myself with exercise and starving myself. If I get too thin I won't be able to sustain that...I learned that from last time. The other thing I am sure about if I start to gain I can always fall back on the shakes. It will be a bitch in a half, but I can catch myself before I fall too far. The other thing I am sure of...I'm not alone. I have you, I have John, I have the program and I'm reaching out this time. I'm not secretly holding all these emotions, secrets and fears. I'm laying them out there for you to see and then call me on my bullshit when I need that or just reassure me that I'm not crazy or maybe tell me I AM acting crazy...whatever it takes!
I can do this. If it starts to get hard...I'll call the program, you and John and I'll ask for help, pep talk and guidance. I'm sure that the only way to a normal, healthy life is by actually eating food not 5 shakes a day with soy sauce soup! I'm sure I want a normal, healthy life that is why I did this in the first place. I will take what I have learned and start putting it to work and when I'm unsure I will "fake it until I make it!"
I'm unsure about if I can get a handle on my compulsive overeating. It's a disease and it consumes me. What if I go to food and I get a taste and then I can't "tame the chew"?! What if I don't follow the portions?
I'm unsure about why I want to eat now. Why now? If I wait until I get to 150 at the program isn't that where I wanted to be? I'm wondering if I want to eat now so I can leave this awful class that just started where I don't feel like I fit in AT ALL! I met a nice lady last week and there are two guys left from my last class but the rest I can't relate to at all and I don't like how they look at me...is that why I want to start eating now...to just get out? I know this program is MY journey, but am I letting that dictate the road I take right now? I'm not sure!
I'm not sure if I'm happy with the way my body looks right now, but I'm not sure I ever will be happy with it. That is part of the disease and I know that. I have to learn to just accept my body the way it is, 40, bumpy, lumpy, but a lot leaner.
One thing I am pretty sure about. This is sustainable I can sustain this weight without killing myself with exercise and starving myself. If I get too thin I won't be able to sustain that...I learned that from last time. The other thing I am sure about if I start to gain I can always fall back on the shakes. It will be a bitch in a half, but I can catch myself before I fall too far. The other thing I am sure of...I'm not alone. I have you, I have John, I have the program and I'm reaching out this time. I'm not secretly holding all these emotions, secrets and fears. I'm laying them out there for you to see and then call me on my bullshit when I need that or just reassure me that I'm not crazy or maybe tell me I AM acting crazy...whatever it takes!
I can do this. If it starts to get hard...I'll call the program, you and John and I'll ask for help, pep talk and guidance. I'm sure that the only way to a normal, healthy life is by actually eating food not 5 shakes a day with soy sauce soup! I'm sure I want a normal, healthy life that is why I did this in the first place. I will take what I have learned and start putting it to work and when I'm unsure I will "fake it until I make it!"
Day 132, Week 21
So I have some homework today.
I went to my program early today. We are going to San Francisco Thursday and I will be missing my class. I needed to do the blood work. I was dreading weighing in because it's 2 days early. I could lose another pound in a day who knows! I went to my doctor first because he needed to see a mole on my back (that's fine) I got on the scale and it said 159.2 I almost did a cartwheel.
I walked over to my program and checked in. They gave me my paperwork and I weighed in. 160.0 That's okay! I knew their scales were wrong! I had decided that if I had lost more than 2.5 pounds I was going to go to food. I lost 5! I think that is a clear indicator. I wanted to be between 150 and 160. At home on the scale naked in the morning I am 152.6 in the evening 157 naked, on the scale at optifast 160...that's right where I wanted to be.
After talking it over for a very long time with hubby I decided to call my counselor and tell her I'm ready to start PFE (progressive food encounters) I'm nervous. Hubby actually had to talk me back into going to food...I had talked myself out of it. "but look! I still have fat here!" I said. I left her a message "no rush, just call me back whenever, really I'm in NO hurry" was what I said. I'm scared out of my mind! I didn't know I would be this nervous about eating a 3 oz breast of chicken!
So the homework and I have decided to do it here. I have to write down my feelings (words) about going back to food. Then pick one word and write about it for 15 minutes. I will write the words here and then on another page do the 15 minutes of writing. Here goes:
fear, anxiety, excited, relieved, nervous, happy, untrustworthy, abnormal, independent, indecisive, unsure, insecure.
I had Hubby choose the word for me. He chose unsure...
I went to my program early today. We are going to San Francisco Thursday and I will be missing my class. I needed to do the blood work. I was dreading weighing in because it's 2 days early. I could lose another pound in a day who knows! I went to my doctor first because he needed to see a mole on my back (that's fine) I got on the scale and it said 159.2 I almost did a cartwheel.
I walked over to my program and checked in. They gave me my paperwork and I weighed in. 160.0 That's okay! I knew their scales were wrong! I had decided that if I had lost more than 2.5 pounds I was going to go to food. I lost 5! I think that is a clear indicator. I wanted to be between 150 and 160. At home on the scale naked in the morning I am 152.6 in the evening 157 naked, on the scale at optifast 160...that's right where I wanted to be.
After talking it over for a very long time with hubby I decided to call my counselor and tell her I'm ready to start PFE (progressive food encounters) I'm nervous. Hubby actually had to talk me back into going to food...I had talked myself out of it. "but look! I still have fat here!" I said. I left her a message "no rush, just call me back whenever, really I'm in NO hurry" was what I said. I'm scared out of my mind! I didn't know I would be this nervous about eating a 3 oz breast of chicken!
So the homework and I have decided to do it here. I have to write down my feelings (words) about going back to food. Then pick one word and write about it for 15 minutes. I will write the words here and then on another page do the 15 minutes of writing. Here goes:
fear, anxiety, excited, relieved, nervous, happy, untrustworthy, abnormal, independent, indecisive, unsure, insecure.
I had Hubby choose the word for me. He chose unsure...
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