Day 123, Week 20

So I bought me a book I lost 1 fucking pound and I met my new group and there is an ugly mean lady in there.

I won't go in that order.  I only lost one pound.  I'm on the period from hell, so I'm trying not to let that bother me except I am 1 fucking pound from my 50 pound mark!  WHY?!  WHY could it not be 2? Then I could say I've lost 50 pounds.  Now I have to say I've lost almost 50 pounds...its just not the same!  I have been struggling with what the reward would be.  I decided more laser torture is in order, so I'm removing the hair on my bikini line.  Go ME!

I bought a book.  When food is love.  By Deneen Roth.  It's good.  My program suggested we buy it.  I don't know why it has taken me 20 weeks, but I'm on it now.  It's covering the compulsive food crap and its making a ton of sense.  I've had a bunch of AHA moments while reading it.  I will be talking about that more.

So Thursday I met the new group.  It went well the first hour.  I was quiet mostly and the counselor mostly talked.  Sherri the counselor let the group know who the people in the class were returning.  She asked do you have any questions for the people who have already been here and done this for 20 weeks?  This one lady raises her hand and without looking at me or anyone of the "returners" said "why are THEY here?"  Sherri then said why is who here the people returning?  The lady said "yes...why are they HERE?!  They look fine, they look great!  Why are they here?"  Now I can tell you that the other returners have more than 20 pounds to lose.  I look like I need to gain some at this point when I get dressed, but naked I have a tummy pooch.  You can't see it with jeans.  The lady never looked at me...but the REST OF THE CLASS, the WHOLE CLASS was looking at me.  I don't think I've ever been so uncomfortable.  This was my fear...my anxiety right there!  Sherri then said "Who are you talking to?"  The lady said "them, the one's returning"  That's when one of the returners spoke up...he has at least 20 pounds to lose and he said "because for me I'm not done, and it's my personal journey.  I decide when I am done...until then I need these classes."

I felt better.  That mean lady isn't standing next to me and that guy when we look in the mirror naked and see that one area or two areas or the scale.  For me its a look and a number.  I know how this works...the minute I eat 1 carb I will retain water and gain the weight I lose every night.  That's why in the morning I get on the scale dehydrated and naked and it says 156.  When I go to the class hydrated and dressed 168.  So I want to be a size 10 comfortably...that means they need to be lose on me before I start eating.  That means the scale should probably read 155-160 at night, maybe more depending on how those 10's fit.  No size 8...not interested.  In the morning naked I should be about 150...(when I go back to food)  which means for a VERY SHORT TIME it will read 145, but that's not my weight...that's no water in my system and when I go to food it will never see the 140's again.

Sherri didn't ask the lady if that answered her question or not, but I have decided that next week...I'm sitting next to the mean lady.  I think I would rather get to know her then sit away from here and wonder if its me she is referring to.