Day 114, start of week 19

Well it's almost done.  It's a 20 week program.  I signed up to continue with the class.  I hate trying to pre-calculate what my weight loss will be because it sets me up for dissappointment, but none the less I do it so I know what to do

I lost 2.5 last week.  I'm at 168.  If I keep losing 2.5 each week I will be done in 7 weeks.  5 weeks later than I planned, but how can plan to lose a certain amount within 20 weeks?  Besides its a number!  If I wake up tomorrow look at my arms and say...ya that'll do...then we stop and I EAT!  I eat a plain lean piece of chicken!  mmmm mmmm mmmm!

I planned to go to OA at lunch yesterday, but this thing with J is completely running me.  When your friend is dying it seems like life just stops.  I did go to my class yesterday.  I talked about everything.  The class was horrified.  Mostly they, like me, did not understand how Toxic M could be so helpful in J's life and so hurtful at the same time.  It's hard to wrap your head around.  For hubby and I it's a waiting game...will he be reprimanded?  Will there be an investigation?  Will he be fired?  They fired 15 people from Kaiser over the Nadia Sulman (octomom) case...they violated HIPPA by looking in her chart.  One was a doctor.  Hubby had reason to look into her chart...he was treating her, but thank GOD he hasn't looked in her chart in the last 2 months and the complaint her brother filed against my husband was 5 days ago.  So he may be okay...if he isn't we plan to hire a lawyer a sue toxic M for a thing called Libel per se.  Basically it's like a defamation of character that affects someones license or ability to work.  We have a lawyer's name ready for if and when it happens, but JESUS!  Who needs this shit when your friend is dying?!

So there is an OA class tonight.  I think I'm going to try and go.  It's actually in my neighborhood so why not?  I'm not even comfortable going back to eating food until I have at least started some kind of food addiction program.  I need a food sponsor...someone that I can call that will be there that when I've talked myself into eating a whole white cake they can convince me why I don't need that!  I'm not safe on my own I know that now.  I still need to learn more about my trigger emotions.  I have the trigger foods down, but the emotions are confusing...like now I'm not hungry at all and I'm experiencing two of the big emotions I thought were my triggers SAD, ANGRY.  Now I'm not alone and I can tell you alone does it I know that is a trigger.  THAT is when I think exercise will fit nicely...exercise when I'm alone.

So there is where I'm at.  I want to visit J today...the brother is there and I'm not comfortable with him, but I had a wonderful visit with just J yesterday and I do want to see her as much as I can before she passes.  Her borrowed time seems to be my gift.