I was a little fat person and I was "happy"...my husband loved me and I could eat what I wanted and I had lots of time to sit on my a** and play Farmville. I got to wear comfortable clothes. Sometimes I was sad because I was self conscience wearing certain clothing. I didn't like to go to social events that my husband invited me to because it meant dressing up and facing the fact that I was overweight. I didn't like to get undressed in front of my husband because I was ashamed of my body. I got tired going up stairs and hills, but that's what elevators are for. I grew out of my wetsuit so diving became a chore with the exercise (and the extra weight) related to it plus the expense of getting a new wetsuit. I wanted to dance but I was insecure about going into the gym or anywhere else looking like I did. The fact was...at that point...like I was...I wasn't really happy, but everyone else was because I thought I was.
Then I went on a diet and lost lots of weight and I'm happy. I get to go to the gym and dance and skate with my friends and wear cute clothes and not feel insecure about how I look. I have confidence and I feel strong. I'm sad a LOT because I can't eat what I want and my husband doesn't like to do the things that I now find fun and enjoy like going to the gym. I don't mind getting undressed in front of my husband or dressing up for him...but what does that matter if he's upset and frustrated with me? I'm not the person he fell in love with that sat at the pub drinking, going to restraunts or sitting at home playing guitar hero and Farmville. The fact is...at this point...like I am...I can't make him happy but he thinks he is and I keep telling myself I can.
Everything I do is a choice. Do I sacrifice one type of happiness for another in order to make everyone happy? Who needs these kinds of choices? Isn't trying to be healthy hard enough? Imagine trying to maintain something and working harder than you ever have in your entire life...how easy would it be to always have something in the back of your mind saying if things could just go back to the way they were he would be we wouldn't have these "discussions" and he would be happy and I would think I was happy. Is it impossible to both be happy at the same time? Maybe it is. Perhaps life truly is a yen and a yang a give and a take. It was "my time" from June 2011 to now. How do I now give him his time without completely destroying what I worked on during my time?
Sometimes I entertain the idea of going back to school and then reality hits me. He fell in love with a social butterfly who wanted nothing but to just spend every moment with him. What would happen if I added school to the mix? Would he do what he does now? Fill his time being frustrated at me for studying too much? Go hang with his friends or my brother in law while I work my a** off and secretly yearn to just go hang with him? How well do you think I'd do? (Probably as well as I have done maintaining my weight!)
THE END.
2 comments:
Wow. That is a tough situation and deep conversation.
Moms/wives historically do not get to think about themselves before others in the family. Now you're making choices based on what's good for you.
Are you saying you weren't "you" when you and John fell in love? Or are you saying you're not "you" now and fighting, working so hard against your natural "you" tendencies?
Can you be social and healthy at the same time?
I was "me", but deep down I had insecurities that I didn't let anyone in on. I was happy, but I was also self conscious which impaired my TRUE happiness. I'd say when John and I fell in love I was VERY happy...happier than I had ever been but I was reserved because I didn't like my body. That was the only thing that I wasn't happy about.
With the weight loss...this is not me. I want it to be me. I want to keep this. I've worked so hard to have it and I truly want it. Unfortunately it's coming at a cost.
Can I be social and healthy at the same time? Yes, but not at the degree that John wants. I can go out twice a month or so and make good choices or bad choices with loads of exercise. What I can not do is go to gastropubs and mexican restaurants all weekend every weekend. I can't sit in a bar for 5 hours with a glass of water in my hand because I only drink. alcohol twice a month. I can't skip Tuesday boot camp and zumba (my only day at the gym now) to meet up at Bruski's with friends. This is what John would like.
If I follow my program and eat well 80% of the time I don't mind spending 20% going out and doing those things. If I can't get my runs in or get to the gym...I'm not doing that 20%. This is where John has an issue.
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