It's been a series of baby victories. Today will be my 35th day binge free. We do it in cycles (each cycle is 21 days) the psychology is that it takes 21 days to do things before they become a habit. I am on cycle 2, day 14 or as my calendar reads (C2/D14).
Ate more in Vegas, but it was a planned event. I have another one coming up this Saturday in San Francisco. Oddly enough I thought my biggest obstacles would be the kids and my sister...maybe a few work friends. My biggest obstacle turned out to be my sister and my husband. I think because I had a plan and an expectation for the kids and my work friends. My sister (I'm suspecting) changed things up on me and that has thrown me for a loop but I'm rolling with it. Husband was completely unexpected so I'm reeling there, but putting what I learned into action.
My sister...I can't quite put my finger on. Is she competing? Is she asking for help (advice or a listening buddy)? Is she quietly waiting for me to fail? I think it's all! Not to sound paranoid, but she started a juice diet. What's with the sudden interest to quickly lose weight? She started those slim fast shakes when I went to optifast, but it didn't work for her then depression, then the juice diet coupled with what still looks like depression. She has routinely brought up the statistics of people who gain all their weight back and more on the optifast diet. I'm aware of the statistics. We were not just briefed but lectured before we signed up for the fast. I knew if I kept the weight off that I would be in the minority. Her words are supportive. "I'm glad you are really focused on this"..."I think you might actually be able to do this for a while" (that last one not as supportive as the first). I've asked her if she wanted to come work out. "Yes, but not today" Last Friday I called said I had the day off and offered to bring my bike to her to go around the bay. After some serious talking into she agreed to come to the dark side. I don't exercise to lose weight. It's a release for me, but hey bonus is that I'm burning calories! She does not enjoy exercise in any form. But last Friday I think she liked it and later at the thrift store she bought a top to work out in. I think she's coming around!
Husband. HubbyI thought would be my biggest cheerleader. He doesn't know what he's doing wrong because everything is so new for him and it's starting to impact him. A few examples: I only go out 1 time per week for 2 reasons, 1 I have no idea what is in the food and I'm a health nut now. I'll just admit it. 2. I'm trying to watch our finances so we can go to Ireland and Cozumel this year coupled with getting a kitchen. At this rate it's not going to happen if we keep eating out. Another example...comments such as "you're too regimented, inflexible...you're taking things too far, you're excessive, obsessive" My schedule is to try and work out 1 hour everyday. Some of the days we have plans like Friday, Saturday or Sunday. If we do I don't make a big deal about it. Most days I go right after work so it doesn't impact him. Tuesday I go to Zumba at 7:30pm for 1 hour. Wednesday I go to Weight Watchers for 30 minutes and Thursday Maintenance for 1.5 hours. He finally agreed to come with me to the gym after my maintenance class. It was more of "if I want to see my wife I guess I have to go to the gym". In Vegas I brought my health food only to discover we did not have a refrigerator in the room (and so ends our stays at New York New York...hello Mandalay Bay so glad to be back!) My chia seeds, flaxseeds, and probiotics needed to be iced every 8 hours. Our safe closet looked like a Carmen Miranda hat storage space. I'll admit most people smuggle alcohol in coolers up to their rooms not health food. On one of the days hubby drank too much the night before and had a heart stopping breakfast the next day. He promptly found himself ill. I had him there. He said if I'm going to gym with you I should probably eat with you too. I currently cook 2 meals each night...mine and the boys. Now I cook ours and the boy's. Hubby can choose if he wants son's dinner or ours. Last night he chose both :o) No matter! At least he filled up on African Turkey Kebobs, sugar snap peas and whole wheat couscous before having a little bit of son's orange chicken. He's slowly coming to the dark side.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
It's my pity party and I'll cry if I want to!
It's not really that bad, but I'm working very hard right now to avoid my death by a million paper cuts...I'm running out of band aids.
Hubby put a quote on his Facebook a few days ago ""With modern technology, texts and Facebook wall posts can serve as an attractive veneer making relationships seem more genuine than they really are. Conversely, social media can interfere with our most intimate real-life relationships. How many of your closest relationships would suffer if people had to invest more effort than sending a text to stay in touch? How much better could your relationship with your significant other be if you could give your partner your full attention whenever you're together? There's one way to find out, if you dare. "-The Amish experiment
So at first I thought nothing of it. He had mentioned he had read this article earlier in the week. I remember at the time thinking how ironic he got something out of this. Granted I'm on Facebook a lot he is on the computer A LOT! Many times we will have visitors and he will go off into the office to play his video games. The first time he did that I was mortified. Charlie was here from England. He of course said please go about your normal activities...I don't want to be a bother! Another time my mom was over. My mom actually said something to me the next day to the effect she felt like she interrupted something or perhaps bored him. We then started playing board games with her when she came over. That was my way of keeping Hubby out with the company instead of having a fight. After he posted the quote my friend commented something to the effect that I was neglecting my husband . It was then that I really started thinking about it in another light. Why did he put it on Facebook? The hypocrisy I thought; what's worse my family already feels I'm overly connected and my husband does nothing to stir their opinions differently. Often during a "discussion" I will reach for my phone to check facts...they make fun of me saying I must "consult the Oracle" Now on his page its being blasted that I, me of all people am now neglecting him by basically refusing to unplug! During this time of posting by numerous others, hubby again made no effort to say...hey wait my wife rarely goes on the computer at night...in fact it is me that has demanded my "time on the computer each night to decompress from my stressful job"
So the pity party is going like this: I'm exercising and working out a lot. I have 2 meetings a week (optifast and weight watchers) When I come home I am making meals, lunches, dinners preparing for the morning. I have a vegetable egg white omelet with oat bran and fruit everyday. I have to get up early to do it. I have to go to bed at a decent time in order to be able to get up. Every meal is fresh vegetables and fish or lean meat. I cook 2 dinners every night. When there is a little extra time I do laundry and clean up. If I have any other time I get on my bike. Now that Paul is awake I've been finding myself wanting to be at the hospital. Michael is failing english. This is not my fault, but Ben has sent me a text asking me 1. if I was aware he was failing and 2. what was I, me going to do about it? My husband is publicly insinuating he is being neglected and my sister has hinted that I may be a little crazy with the exercise. So here is what goes through my mind..."Dammit...for the first time I'm happy with my body and me in general and everything goes to shit. My relationships with my friend that almost died (I don't feel I'm there enough), with my husband, with my son, with my ex husband, with my sister (I miss my sister...I want to have our friendship back, but I know it means swallow my values and ignore what is important to me for the sake of sisterhood) Why can't I get this juggling act right?!"
So that's my party.
Hubby put a quote on his Facebook a few days ago ""With modern technology, texts and Facebook wall posts can serve as an attractive veneer making relationships seem more genuine than they really are. Conversely, social media can interfere with our most intimate real-life relationships. How many of your closest relationships would suffer if people had to invest more effort than sending a text to stay in touch? How much better could your relationship with your significant other be if you could give your partner your full attention whenever you're together? There's one way to find out, if you dare. "-The Amish experiment
So at first I thought nothing of it. He had mentioned he had read this article earlier in the week. I remember at the time thinking how ironic he got something out of this. Granted I'm on Facebook a lot he is on the computer A LOT! Many times we will have visitors and he will go off into the office to play his video games. The first time he did that I was mortified. Charlie was here from England. He of course said please go about your normal activities...I don't want to be a bother! Another time my mom was over. My mom actually said something to me the next day to the effect she felt like she interrupted something or perhaps bored him. We then started playing board games with her when she came over. That was my way of keeping Hubby out with the company instead of having a fight. After he posted the quote my friend commented something to the effect that I was neglecting my husband . It was then that I really started thinking about it in another light. Why did he put it on Facebook? The hypocrisy I thought; what's worse my family already feels I'm overly connected and my husband does nothing to stir their opinions differently. Often during a "discussion" I will reach for my phone to check facts...they make fun of me saying I must "consult the Oracle" Now on his page its being blasted that I, me of all people am now neglecting him by basically refusing to unplug! During this time of posting by numerous others, hubby again made no effort to say...hey wait my wife rarely goes on the computer at night...in fact it is me that has demanded my "time on the computer each night to decompress from my stressful job"
So the pity party is going like this: I'm exercising and working out a lot. I have 2 meetings a week (optifast and weight watchers) When I come home I am making meals, lunches, dinners preparing for the morning. I have a vegetable egg white omelet with oat bran and fruit everyday. I have to get up early to do it. I have to go to bed at a decent time in order to be able to get up. Every meal is fresh vegetables and fish or lean meat. I cook 2 dinners every night. When there is a little extra time I do laundry and clean up. If I have any other time I get on my bike. Now that Paul is awake I've been finding myself wanting to be at the hospital. Michael is failing english. This is not my fault, but Ben has sent me a text asking me 1. if I was aware he was failing and 2. what was I, me going to do about it? My husband is publicly insinuating he is being neglected and my sister has hinted that I may be a little crazy with the exercise. So here is what goes through my mind..."Dammit...for the first time I'm happy with my body and me in general and everything goes to shit. My relationships with my friend that almost died (I don't feel I'm there enough), with my husband, with my son, with my ex husband, with my sister (I miss my sister...I want to have our friendship back, but I know it means swallow my values and ignore what is important to me for the sake of sisterhood) Why can't I get this juggling act right?!"
So that's my party.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
It's a busy month!
Maintenance began on the 26th. I weighed in at 174. That's 24 pounds higher than my lowest weigh in. When I got there I was one of the thinnest people in the class. It seems we all came off shakes about the same time and were left to struggle through the holidays. Many of us were frustrated.
I was okay. I'm on an exercise routine and I'm eating in a way that is healthy and satisfying. It doesn't fit with the "maintenance plan" but frankly I DON'T CARE! I feel good. When someone mentioned about the cold feeling they had on optifast I interjected with "that was your metabolism...DYING!" the counselor shot me a look, but it was true! We starved ourselves and we wreaked havoc on our bodies...an end to justify the means, but to what end!? To be thin for a moment!? I say no! Something wonderful came out of this experience for me...I learned that my body NEEDS food...not just food but good food. I learned my mind needs food...not just food but food I crave! My body needs to move...not just move but really get out there and when I do that and I let my body have these things I feel awesome! I may not like that little bulge by my hip or under my arm, but that will come and go. I can walk up stairs and not be out of breath! I can ride my bike 17 miles in one night, probably 20 had my iPad not fallen down and that feels so good I can't even put words to it. I don't drink soda anymore at all. I have 2 cups of coffee, green tea and 8 full glasses of water every day. I crave baked sweet potato fries and mango with chili con limon on it!
I think I know what you're asking yourself right now. Why is she even going to maintenance if she has it all figured out? Because I paid for it! I had to pay up front for maintenance and I thought that's what went wrong last time...was that I never went to maintenance. I have to admit I'm learning a lot, but more importantly I'm making this program accountable. I have expectations. I expect them to address the BED issue (Binge eating disorder) that seems to be dormant except after this program 2 out of 2 isn't a bad track record! I expect them to give me my metabolism back! They helped me kill it, now perform a miracle and give it back! Lastly it's another accountability tool and at this point I need all the tools I can get!
Weigh in tonight with all the weight lifting I have been doing I should be up at least 3 pounds.
I was okay. I'm on an exercise routine and I'm eating in a way that is healthy and satisfying. It doesn't fit with the "maintenance plan" but frankly I DON'T CARE! I feel good. When someone mentioned about the cold feeling they had on optifast I interjected with "that was your metabolism...DYING!" the counselor shot me a look, but it was true! We starved ourselves and we wreaked havoc on our bodies...an end to justify the means, but to what end!? To be thin for a moment!? I say no! Something wonderful came out of this experience for me...I learned that my body NEEDS food...not just food but good food. I learned my mind needs food...not just food but food I crave! My body needs to move...not just move but really get out there and when I do that and I let my body have these things I feel awesome! I may not like that little bulge by my hip or under my arm, but that will come and go. I can walk up stairs and not be out of breath! I can ride my bike 17 miles in one night, probably 20 had my iPad not fallen down and that feels so good I can't even put words to it. I don't drink soda anymore at all. I have 2 cups of coffee, green tea and 8 full glasses of water every day. I crave baked sweet potato fries and mango with chili con limon on it!
I think I know what you're asking yourself right now. Why is she even going to maintenance if she has it all figured out? Because I paid for it! I had to pay up front for maintenance and I thought that's what went wrong last time...was that I never went to maintenance. I have to admit I'm learning a lot, but more importantly I'm making this program accountable. I have expectations. I expect them to address the BED issue (Binge eating disorder) that seems to be dormant except after this program 2 out of 2 isn't a bad track record! I expect them to give me my metabolism back! They helped me kill it, now perform a miracle and give it back! Lastly it's another accountability tool and at this point I need all the tools I can get!
Weigh in tonight with all the weight lifting I have been doing I should be up at least 3 pounds.
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