Day 127, last day of week 20

On the scale this morning naked and dehydrated 155.4...I wonder what that means on the scale at the program...we shall see.  I'm almost there I can feel it.

So I had a long talk with hubby about EVERYTHING last night.  Here is my conundrum.  I have 3 guides right now.

1. The program which teaches everything in moderation.
2. OA which teaches abstinence.
3. The book the program had me read which teaches us not to deprive ourselves, to set realistic and attainable goals.

Here is the conundrum where do I fit in that?  If I don't deprive myself I will binge.  I am an addict and the foods I covet are my trigger foods.  If I do not abstain I will eat one and lose control, end of story fat lady get to singing.  No moderation.  If I deprive myself at some point I will rebel against my own body!  Because its not realistic to never eat sugar and flour again.  So John and I talked it out and I let him make a lot of the suggestions because as an addict my self talk is very strong!  I am a binge planner...serious.  Here is an example.  The girl scout comes to my work.  I buy 6 boxes of thin mints.  I put 2 in the freezer at work.  I bring home 4 boxes to my family because I love them so.  The next day I stop in the morning and get a bag of hot cheeto fries, a box of lucky charms and a half gallon of milk.  At my desk I eat a HUGE bowl of Lucky charms for breakfast...because today is my binge day!  I may even have 2 or 3 bowls.  I need to try and eat as much as I can because tomorrow...tomorrow is not a binge day and I can't eat them, plus I will have to throw away what I don't eat because I have to get rid of the evidence!  Lunch time.  Grab a sandwich to go with my bag of hot fries which I have been snacking on all morning with my frozen thin mints.  Continue to snack on those two items salty sweet, salty sweet all day go home and have dinner with John.  Eat like a bird because I'm nearly ready to burst and John is none the wiser of the horrible thing I did to my body today.  The next day is a normal day.

I confessed my binge tactics to Hubby about a month ago.  He's on it.  One of my OA abstentions that is realistic and attainable is not eating standing up, not eating at a desk or in the car.  No distracted eating.

Here is where I'm nervous.  I thought one day every 6 months...Hubby said one day every 3 months.  Set a date...write it down...its not any day associated with anything so it's not an emotional eating day.  That is my day to eat what I like...not how I like, no eating standing up, no distracted eating at my desk or in the car.  That day is a day I can have whatever I want however much I want.  The next day I go on shakes and I stay there for 3 days then go to my regular controlled meal plan of limited carbs.  I'm nervous because it sounds like a binge plan, but I have to not deprive myself and I need to do things in moderation MOST OF THE TIME and this would fit that need.  John thinks that after 9 months I may find myself saying you know I only need to do my day 1 time every 6 months or a year...I may not like having to feel worn down the day after the food day and going to shakes so I may decide 3 months is too often, but better to start at 3 and not "set myself up for failure" as John put it. 

The OA I am liking, but the lack of crosstalk and feedback is baffling to me.  Hubby says that's the whole concept, but I'm having trouble with it.  I told him it feels like organized religion and that scares me a little...he said it is totally organized something!  Right now I go to a Tuesday class at lunch.  I'm thinking I may go to the Thursday class...that is a more structured step study class.  I think I need that.  I need to understand this more.  The problem with Thursday is that I have a union meeting downtown the Thursday of every month so I will miss some meetings, but maybe those weeks I will go on the Tuesday just so I don't disconnect. 

Then there is the exercise.  There's curves which I'm wondering if that's enough.  30 minutes 3 times a week!?  Doesn't seem like it would do much.  Ex mom in law wants me to go back to LA fitness water aerobics, but I didn't even breath hard in that class.  I love my walks around the lake on the weekends, but that's not consistent enough.  I hate my bike!  I hate it I hate it I hate it.  Doing it at home is also too much of a distraction.  There is just too much to do at home.  Maybe I need to just set time aside for ME 3 nights per week for a slotted time frame of 1 hour.  Do the Wii//bike from hell and my OA step study.  Then go to my program Thursday nights to keep me accountable.  I think that is what has to happen.  My program says to set attainable realistic goals.  I think I can do that.  1 hour appointments for me 3 nights a week.  I'll put them in a calendar like I do my class and not book anything in that time period.  It's worth a try.

Day 123, Week 20

So I bought me a book I lost 1 fucking pound and I met my new group and there is an ugly mean lady in there.

I won't go in that order.  I only lost one pound.  I'm on the period from hell, so I'm trying not to let that bother me except I am 1 fucking pound from my 50 pound mark!  WHY?!  WHY could it not be 2? Then I could say I've lost 50 pounds.  Now I have to say I've lost almost 50 pounds...its just not the same!  I have been struggling with what the reward would be.  I decided more laser torture is in order, so I'm removing the hair on my bikini line.  Go ME!

I bought a book.  When food is love.  By Deneen Roth.  It's good.  My program suggested we buy it.  I don't know why it has taken me 20 weeks, but I'm on it now.  It's covering the compulsive food crap and its making a ton of sense.  I've had a bunch of AHA moments while reading it.  I will be talking about that more.

So Thursday I met the new group.  It went well the first hour.  I was quiet mostly and the counselor mostly talked.  Sherri the counselor let the group know who the people in the class were returning.  She asked do you have any questions for the people who have already been here and done this for 20 weeks?  This one lady raises her hand and without looking at me or anyone of the "returners" said "why are THEY here?"  Sherri then said why is who here the people returning?  The lady said "yes...why are they HERE?!  They look fine, they look great!  Why are they here?"  Now I can tell you that the other returners have more than 20 pounds to lose.  I look like I need to gain some at this point when I get dressed, but naked I have a tummy pooch.  You can't see it with jeans.  The lady never looked at me...but the REST OF THE CLASS, the WHOLE CLASS was looking at me.  I don't think I've ever been so uncomfortable.  This was my fear...my anxiety right there!  Sherri then said "Who are you talking to?"  The lady said "them, the one's returning"  That's when one of the returners spoke up...he has at least 20 pounds to lose and he said "because for me I'm not done, and it's my personal journey.  I decide when I am done...until then I need these classes."

I felt better.  That mean lady isn't standing next to me and that guy when we look in the mirror naked and see that one area or two areas or the scale.  For me its a look and a number.  I know how this works...the minute I eat 1 carb I will retain water and gain the weight I lose every night.  That's why in the morning I get on the scale dehydrated and naked and it says 156.  When I go to the class hydrated and dressed 168.  So I want to be a size 10 comfortably...that means they need to be lose on me before I start eating.  That means the scale should probably read 155-160 at night, maybe more depending on how those 10's fit.  No size 8...not interested.  In the morning naked I should be about 150...(when I go back to food)  which means for a VERY SHORT TIME it will read 145, but that's not my weight...that's no water in my system and when I go to food it will never see the 140's again.

Sherri didn't ask the lady if that answered her question or not, but I have decided that next week...I'm sitting next to the mean lady.  I think I would rather get to know her then sit away from here and wonder if its me she is referring to.

OMG What if!?

So I've been cold, hungry and there are days I have horrible bloating and cramping.  There are days when my weight loss is nothing or 1 pound a week.  This all happened last time.  So what have I done...I went up to 800 calories with the shakes.  That didn't benefit me.  I was still cold, not as cold but I was cold and oh LORD was I hungry!

I went back on the 70 calorie shakes, added another shake and 2 soups.  I'm still cold, not as cold, but I'm cold and hey wait I'm still a little hungry.  That bloating is back too and now its more days than not.  So I started reading last night.  I had some theories.  The gum.  This diet gives you the worst breath!  I chew a lot of gum.  I cut that out and the bloating went down significantly.  So...whats in the gum?

Then I started reading about soy.  Some people build up an intolerance to the soy.  My shakes are soy based.

Wait...what's in the gum dammit because I really like the sweet flavor of the damn gum!  I started looking up ingredients.  Sucrolose.  I probably spelled it wrong.  I drink 2 propel waters a day...I added those recently to up my electrolytes...what's in those?  Those are yummy!  Sucrolose.  I drink a life water too cause of the added vitamins and it's yummy!  Sucrolose.  Those delicious syrups I put in every single one of my shakes...sucrolose!  I'm starting to see a trend here.

What the hell is sucrolose?  Splenda.  I loves me my splenda!  I like to call it splendid indeed!  Then I started reading about that.  People can build an intolerance to that.  Symptoms...migraines (not me), bloating (ME!), weight gain (SHIT!) and a plethora of other junk.  The stuff just doesn't seem like a good thing to ingest.  Did you know it was discovered by accident?  Yes it's derived from sugar, but they were actually trying to make insecticide!  I don't know what dumb ass thought, hmmm I'm gonna try this in my coffee and see if it kills me?  Probably some desperate soul on Optifast!  I can relate.

So each night I prepare my flavored syrup waters for the next day of shakes.  Last night I brewed a cup of cinnamon tea (ingredients:  cinnamon and black tea)  Put it in my blender ball with 2 teaspoons of fiber and this morning added my vanilla powder.  Not brave enough to have this shake with just water yet but at 10:30am I better get over it, because that's coming!  I sit here with my black cup of coffee typing this.

I can't cut out the shakes to see if its the soy, but sure as hell can cut out the artificial sweetener to see if that is my problem!  AND WHAT IF that is why my weight loss has been so slow this go around, what if that is why I'm cold, what if that is why I feel so bloated all the time?  Wow!

I cheated!

Actually I had been planning on doing it.  J died today.  Her favorite drink is a bloody mary.  When people close to me die I toast to them with their favorite drink.  For my mom it is Kahlua coffee.  I have it every year on the anniversary of her death.  I came home and told hubby that tonight I would be having a bloody mary.  We went to the store and bought the lowest carb Bloody mary mix we could find.  I made it in a small 4 oz glass.  I lined the rim with chipotle powder and put an olive in it.  I made hubby a much bigger one and we toasted to the life of J.  I chewed the olive and then spit it out...not ready to actually eat.  Now I'm drunk!

I had my first mammogram today.  Not so bad...the technician was a South African.  The song "I never met a nice south african" (shown here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeDk6ZeGNnU )   rang in my head the entire procedure...no matter how hard I tried to get it out!  She really was very gentle and very nice.  The whole thing was very quick.  I got out early and was driving down clairemont mesa blvd...it was 11:55am and I realized in just 5 minutes that OA meeting I've been trying to go to at lunch starts.  I was 3 blocks from it so I went!  It was as I thought it would and yep I totally related to everyone in the room.  I'm a compulsive eater.  Most of them had trouble at night.  Many kept food journals...others had time since binge.  One lady stated it had been 8 months since her last binge and others avoided sugar as a desert or sugar entirely.  I did as they said...took what I needed and left the rest.  For me...I think I will not be so hard on myself.  I will avoid sugar and white flour and whatever other "trigger foods" I discover along the way, but occasionally I will plan to eat them in moderation.  Like tonight.  I had a drink in moderation and I didn't eat.  I will watch myself re: the binging and consider that a "relapse" if that happens.  I'm excited.  I really feel I belong there.  I felt relieved when I left.

When I got back to work life began again.  J had passed and I being the senate president had more on my plate than ever before.  Did I mention she was the president for 13 years before I "dethroned" her?  It took a while for her to forgive me for that, but she did and I have made a legacy of her service since that time.  So that's my plate today.  OI!

Day 117, week 19

Friday was a big day. I came home and J's brother called me. He said I think there was a miscommunication...J made some accusations while she was also hallucinating. The doctor jotted them in her chart and we got a letter asking if we wanted to follow up...hubby's name had been mentioned...we did NOT follow up nor do we plan to. Now what J said we don't think she came up with on her own especially because we heard that Toxic M person saying the same story, but we never believed it. We never wanted Hubby to get in trouble...if anything comes of it please have them call me or I will call them and straighten it out.

A huge weight was lifted. He called hubby and said the same thing. I found out the next day that my co-worker went to them and told them everything.

So that is good. I went to an OA meeting Friday...no one else showed up...I guess it was canceled, but being a newcomer I didn't get the memo.

I was going to try the OA at the one near my work tomorrow but they scheduled my mammogram for the same time...I swear it's always something and I not doing it on purpose! Next effort is Thursday at lunch time...I'm off that day but I'm going to try anyway! That night is the first night of my new class. I am a bit nervous.

I have been doctoring my soups. I have to put soy sauce so Mexican hot sauce won't do. I have been putting wasabi in one...that's not bad. The other one I put a chili garlic sauce that we normally put in PHO soup...thats good too. I need some kick.

Everything is going well with the extra shake. I get hungry; not sure what that is about.

Hubby and I were talking yesterday I may be going to food sooner than I thought...I am 168 on the scale at the program. I am 158 on the scale at home. I wanted to be between 150 and 160. If I go by the scale at the program I have 8 pounds to go...that would make me 150 at home that is between 150 and 160 if there ever was a between! That could happen in a little as 3 to 4 weeks!

Day 114, start of week 19

Well it's almost done.  It's a 20 week program.  I signed up to continue with the class.  I hate trying to pre-calculate what my weight loss will be because it sets me up for dissappointment, but none the less I do it so I know what to do

I lost 2.5 last week.  I'm at 168.  If I keep losing 2.5 each week I will be done in 7 weeks.  5 weeks later than I planned, but how can plan to lose a certain amount within 20 weeks?  Besides its a number!  If I wake up tomorrow look at my arms and say...ya that'll do...then we stop and I EAT!  I eat a plain lean piece of chicken!  mmmm mmmm mmmm!

I planned to go to OA at lunch yesterday, but this thing with J is completely running me.  When your friend is dying it seems like life just stops.  I did go to my class yesterday.  I talked about everything.  The class was horrified.  Mostly they, like me, did not understand how Toxic M could be so helpful in J's life and so hurtful at the same time.  It's hard to wrap your head around.  For hubby and I it's a waiting game...will he be reprimanded?  Will there be an investigation?  Will he be fired?  They fired 15 people from Kaiser over the Nadia Sulman (octomom) case...they violated HIPPA by looking in her chart.  One was a doctor.  Hubby had reason to look into her chart...he was treating her, but thank GOD he hasn't looked in her chart in the last 2 months and the complaint her brother filed against my husband was 5 days ago.  So he may be okay...if he isn't we plan to hire a lawyer a sue toxic M for a thing called Libel per se.  Basically it's like a defamation of character that affects someones license or ability to work.  We have a lawyer's name ready for if and when it happens, but JESUS!  Who needs this shit when your friend is dying?!

So there is an OA class tonight.  I think I'm going to try and go.  It's actually in my neighborhood so why not?  I'm not even comfortable going back to eating food until I have at least started some kind of food addiction program.  I need a food sponsor...someone that I can call that will be there that when I've talked myself into eating a whole white cake they can convince me why I don't need that!  I'm not safe on my own I know that now.  I still need to learn more about my trigger emotions.  I have the trigger foods down, but the emotions are confusing...like now I'm not hungry at all and I'm experiencing two of the big emotions I thought were my triggers SAD, ANGRY.  Now I'm not alone and I can tell you alone does it I know that is a trigger.  THAT is when I think exercise will fit nicely...exercise when I'm alone.

So there is where I'm at.  I want to visit J today...the brother is there and I'm not comfortable with him, but I had a wonderful visit with just J yesterday and I do want to see her as much as I can before she passes.  Her borrowed time seems to be my gift.

Arms still bigger but getting the figure back

Day 113, week 18

Amazing what can change in just two days.  My world has literally been turned upside down in just 2 days...It's surreal and a bit of an involved story.  I'll try to reader's digest it for you.

I told 2 people I trust at work about my diet.  C and J .  J has always had knee problems and she is morbid obese.  Hubby gave her an injection of cortisone.  He also went to her house to change some bandages when she came home from the ER after a nasty fall.  J LOVES hubby ...always says he's a keeper.  There is a toxic lady at my work who absolutely HATES me...I don't know why...honestly I don't really care, she's sick in the head this I know.

J fell at home almost 2 months ago...this time she was not found for 2 days, she had gone septic and her kidney and liver were shutting down.  Off to the ER where she stayed for a while.  Then she was improving so they sent her to a skilled rehab facility.  Hubby and I visited her.  She told our friend she had a bed sore and when we got there she asked John to change the bandage, he did.  He made some adjustments to the bed, spoke to the nursing staff, got a phone in the room...that's why J loves hubby.  When he changed the bandage I asked if she wanted me and our her/my other friend to leave the room...She adamantly said no.  We stayed and what I saw brought tears to my eyes...a DEEP wound at the small of her back and down the top part of her butt 5 inches tall and 12 inches wide.

When I got to the car I asked hubbyabout it.  He said he never saw someone with one that big live.

Then life got busy.  I called to check on J and she seemed to be okay.  She had visitors.  M the toxic person who hates me was visiting and feeding her cats.  One day I get a call from J.  "Can you come to the hospital?"  I was on the way to class.  "Why are you at the hospital?"  She answered "Its a long story can Hubby come?"  I called Hubby...he couldn't go, but he called.  She told him the rehab center was trying to kill her and that she called 911.  They took her to the hospital.  My friend asks me how J is doing...I say I'm not sure she was doing okay last I saw her.  She just needs to make sure the bed sore doesn't get infected.   A few days later she was released to a different rehab center in El Cajon.  That's when I lost contact.  The phone had issues...I didn't know where to go.  Last week I learn she's back at the hospital.  I plan to see her.  Toxic M has been seeing her everyday.  Yesterday my friend who was asking about her says she has 2 hours to live!  I leave work.  As I'm driving she my friends says I'm here and you should know they think your husband took a picture of the bedsore and he's showing it to everyone at the college.  I said who thinks that?  J and her brother.  I get there and its tense the brother is looking at me funny.  J is okay and glad to see me.  She asks about hubby and I say he's working...he texts and I tell him I'm at the hospital.  He comes and its tense, but J is glad to see him.  The brother is really talking up hubby.  Hubby gets the brother and his wife recliners to sleep in because J could make it thru the night.  He helps the brother understand what all the things on J's wrist are and has the nurse cut off some of the restricting ones.  As we are leaving the brother says "Thank you...you have been really helpful..you might be getting a call...in J's haze she told the me and the doctor that there were rumors at the college, do you know anything about Rumors?  Hubby says no.  Brother then says well the doctor asked who was spreading those rumors and she named Hubby!  We left devastated.  Hubby loves J and the fact that she's dying and thinking that hurt!  But worse...That is a violation of HIPPA...he most likely could be fired!

We didn't sleep.  I stayed strong, but when I got to work I cried and cried.  I told the friend that called about the accusation as I was on my way there and she said.  J didn't think that on her own...Toxic M told her that your husband went in the chart and then told me what the bed sore looked like.  I said I don't understand....a woman is sick in the hospital and you go there and tell her that her friends who care for her and help her are doing these awful things behind her back!?  How does that help someone get better!?  The friend says she will talk to the brother.  I said no...the names been given the investigation is a go there is no point.  The strange thing hubby could lose his job, but we are both so relieved that this didn't come from J and she doesn't think that hubby and I did this!  I would hate for her to die thinking that.  Hubby was so relieved, but he hates Toxic M.  I'm on my way to see her.  I will stay with her until my class.  It's such a sad situation.

Day 111, week 18

Okay here is where I'm at.  First, I started blending my shakes with hot water.  I don't know if that's a good thing or not...they recommended (KEY WORD THERE) that we don't mix with hot.  I didn't ask why, but judging by the results I think it's because it lumps up into a rubbery consistency and sits on top or sinks to the bottom of the shake...some actually mixes.  This for me is not a bad thing I seriously don't care.  It's warm and I haven't been cold all day!  WOOT!  Now, hopefully it was not because it cooks out the nutrients or something...if that is the case I'm fucked, because there is NO way I am going back to cold shakes!  I can't take the cold anymore!

The hunger.  That is still there and I think it's in my head.  At this point I have concerns about that.  I was being told to listen to my body listen when it is full and had enough and when it is empty...What does it need?  Food, Love? Attention? Water?  At this point it's getting everything but the food.  I had a shake yesterday when I "felt hungry" but I was still "hungry", so option B seems to be the only one...ignore the hunger.  Ignore the actual cramping in my stomach, ignore the sounds...ignore the anxiety that I'm feeling, that is causing a tightness in my chest and a lump in my throat...ignore it.  UG!  Seems so wrong.  Someone on my diet discussion board called the weight I have left vanity weight (a Jillian Michaels term)  I guess the last 20 are the hardest to come off because the body wants to keep it.  I'm 170 pounds!  There is no vanity here.  That's overweight by the BMI standard.  150 is the very tippy top of normal for my height.  129 would be actually normal, but with my bone structure there is no freakin way.

I tried to go to an OA meeting this weekend but no one ever called me back.  I tried to go at lunch today and the person left me a message calling me back at the time I was supposed to go there.  There is a meeting by John's work I can go to after work...I need to call first...if not I will have to wait until Thursday at lunch.

So that's about it...Pretty nuts aye?

Day 110. Week 18

Okay it's starting to get rough.

So, Friday I went back on 70 with an additional shake.  I was good until about noon...then the steam left me.  Sloth time.  I went home and did nothing just as I had planned.  I crashed early.  Saturday I woke up feeling fresh and great!  I made scotch eggs no problem.  We went to a brewery with some friends and did a little tasting...not me of course.  We went to Hunter steak house after dinner.  I had my soup...no problem.  We stayed up until about 11:30pm and I was fine.  I woke Sunday feeling pretty good.  It was beautiful outside and we had planned to watch a rugby game with our friends at the house.  I wished we were walking around the lake instead.  Then noon hit and I felt anxious.  Our friends couldn't make it for the game so we watched it by ourselves together.  I for some reason felt anxious.  A lump in my throat and I didn't trust myself to be in the kitchen!  That's new!  I was hungry, insatiably hungry!  I had a shake...then a soup...then a shake nothing worked.  I was just hungry and anxious...maybe because I was hungry!

Today I started out okay but 2pm and I had that lump in my throat...I'm back to cold and I'm HUNGRY!  One thing that works for me when I'm hungry I'm listening to this brainwave thing on my iPad.   I wish they had a brainwave thing for the cold.   That helps, but WTF?  Why am I hungry? 

I honestly think it's all in my head...the cold, the hunger all of it.  I think maybe I'm afraid to get to my goal weight.  Does that sound odd?  It seems every since I got to 170 I've had trouble of some kind.  I think its subconscious?  But why?  It just seems odd that at this point I'm having so much trouble.  I don't know.

Day 107, starting week 18.

So you asked in your comment if the program peeps are okay with me jumping back and forth to 800 then 400...I'll get to that.

So I walk in last night and say I'd like to go to 70 (that's what they call the 400 cal one)  They say you need to talk to the doctor.  So before I do I jump on the scale just to see if I making much ado about nothing or something.  If I lost 3 pounds or more I'll stay on the 800.  On the scale I go...171.  Are you fucking KIDDING ME?!  I gained a pound!?  Off I marched to see the doctor...no such luck I got the quack P.A that diagnosed me with vertigo.  DAMMIT!  Knock Knock though.  I explain I want to go back to the 70 shakes.  "Well why were you on the 800?"  I explain that 2 weeks ago I was feeling dizzy and cold...I had even spoken to her about it, but I guess she didn't recall  "Well how do you feel now?" she asked.  I pause then answer "I FEEEL great, but I'm pretty pissed off.  I haven't lost an ounce since I started the 800 in fact I gained!  To top it off I AM STARVING ALL THE TIME!"  She says "Have you been dizzy?"  No.  She asked "Have you been cold?"  Nothing out of the norm I answer.  Then she says, "Well it seems to be working.  How would it work if we left you on the 800?"  I answered "Its not working and I don't know how it would work because if I can't go back to the 70 shakes tonight I'm leaving...there is no way I'm paying $125 a week and starving myself one more week just to come back and see I gained another pound or LORD help US 2!"  Her eyes got big and she quickly faced the computer and began typing.  I was stretching my neck to see what she was typing.  She was authorizing the 70 shakes.  I said...I have more I want to discuss before you put that in.  She keeps typing but her eye brow goes up.  I see her typing that to help with the cold and dizziness patient will have 6 shakes instead of 5.  I say "that's what I wanted to talk to you about!  I'd like to have an extra shake and 2 of the broth soups"  She says "oh yes you can."  I stop.  "Wait were you going to just put that in my record without discussing that option with me first?" She didn't answer but kept typing.  "I said I don't appreciate that.  I'm here to lose weight, but more important I'm here to get healthy...I don't like feeling bad.  I think I have an idea what I need and I'm old enough that you can talk to me about what I need and I can take it into consideration"  She answered, "You're all set, you can do the 70 shakes with one extra."  I said will they let me buy an extra box or do you have to approve that.  She needed to approve it, so she wrote in my chart I could buy one extra box.  I said I will need an extra box every week.  She sighed and wrote in my chart I could buy and extra box every week.  Then she said, "I sent your husband an email about how long a patient's fracture needs to heal before they can go back to a limited diet he hasn't got back to me."  I said oh okay I'll text him and remind him to check his work email.  I don't like her!

To answer your question.  If I choose to go to the 800 then I can go back.  If I am forced to go on the 800 because I'm underweight...no the option is not mine.  In this case they told me if it didn't work I could go back to the 70.  Here is the thing...it's like starting over again.  2 days of total sloth lethargic mess.  I'm out of ketosis, now I'm going back into ketosis.  No one wants to go through that.  People actually just stop usually because it's too much to go through the crazy hunger pains and lack of energy to get into Ketosis.  I'm doing it right now but it SUCKS!  So I'm not going back to 800 unless they make me.

Now for the kick in the ass!  So I go to the desk and buy my shakes and one extra box.  I then weigh in (I have to weigh in a print it on my check in sheet) 170.5...I lost a half a pound yelling at the PA.  When I weighed in yesterday morning I was 164.4 and it had been stuck there for 2 weeks.  When I got home last night with the same clothes on as I had on at the program my scale said 170.5.  This morning naked I weigh myself...161.  This is before I started the 70 shakes, so the 800 shakes worked...they just kicked in a day late...and now I get to go through hell.  UGH!

The nice thing is I'll suffer through, but it should go faster.  I hope.

Day 105, finishing week 17

UGH!  I'm going to bitch on here and I feel weird doing it considering you have pneumonia! 

Okay 2 weeks ago went to the 800.  Last Week I didn't lose an ounce.  This week the scale appears to be stuck AGAIN.  I'm spending way to much money on this and making way too big of a sacrifice (not eating) to not lose ANYTHING!

Today I looked at the 800 box it has over 100g of sugar!  I have a carb intolerance *WTF?!  Why is there so much SUGAR in something that is supposed to send you into ketosis!?  No wonder I'm hungry ALL THE TIME!

So tomorrow loss or not I'm going back on the 400.  I'm going to take an extra shake everyday and have both of the soups.  It's going to be hard going from the creamy cake batter back to chocolate water, but I gotta do it.  I'll never finish the program like this.

I have some silk long johns...I will be wearing the hell out of them!

Pneumonia...wow...get better!