Weigh in last night 181. I start my period in 5 days...I'm retaining water like a buffalo....my expectations were low so I'm not disappointed.
It's funny I was thinking about it and the last time I did this...I did it because my doctor said I needed to lose weight...and they had a "great program here at Kaiser" and I checked it out...it was so extreme I loved it. This time I'm doing it because I want to do it for me and the only draw back is how extreme it is!
So yes the class is getting deep. Familiar girl showed up yesterday and tried very hard to keep it light so she wouldn't lose it. She talked about eating a MONTE CRISTO at disneyland...WTF? How do you go from no food to that...she is certifiable!
Back to the deepness. I'm not blaming my mom or the way I was raised on me being overweight...I never will. I chose to numb myself with food and I'm an addict when it comes to food plain and simple, not my mom's fault...not cheating Ben's fault. I do like that I'm learning how and why I tick the way I do though. I'm learning my triggers. Some are hormonal...before my period I'm hungry. I've said this before but when I'm sad, anxious or scared I get hungry. I need to learn how to fight the urge to eat during those times. Those are the worst most dangerous times for me to eat.
So I had like a flashback epiphany thing in class last night. We drew a picture...I promise I will upload this picture if I have to take a picture with my camera because I'm a scanner moran I will! So we drew a picture of our family unit. We gave them words. Then focus on the one that had the most profound effect...what words did they say...what did it mean, how did you feel? I've been focusing on my mom a lot lately. I love her...the mom that died a few years ago is NOT the mom I grew up with. My mom changed after she got sick and when she pulled out of the sickness I really loved that new mom. She was soft, vulnerable and there was no doubt in my mind that she loved me. So I drew my mom, my sister and me. Crystal was saying "Do I have to watch her tonight?!" My mom was saying "Henry's daughter gets straight A's. Missy is modeling, if you would stop talking and listen more you could get A's too...if you would stop wearing so much make up I bet you could be a model" So I thought what my mom was saying was the most profound...what did it mean? My mom obviously had an expectation and I wasn't meeting it. I couldn't be what she wanted me to be I wasn't good enough....How did I feel? I felt like a disappointment...it made me want to be perfect...to over achieve. The counselor said she wanted a lot from you. You already were at a deficit without a dad and then she expected you to achieve what other kids did that have both parents. I nodded and looked back at my picture. Someone else began to share. I was focusing on Crystal. WAIT! What did she say? "Do I have to watch her again tonight?!" Then it hit me like a ton of bricks! I didn't have my dad almost my entire life! He went to jail when I was 8 months old. I didn't get to have visits with him until I was 8 years old, he died when I was 11. What was it that my mom and sister had said? It came back to me. My dad thought that I was why my mom filed for divorce...he blamed me. The marriage was fine until I was born...Crystal had said that. The day mom gave him the divorce docs he poured gasoline IN MY CRIB and all over the house and lit a match to it. He went to jail for arson...they tried to get him on attempted murder but my grandmother got him a good lawyer. I sat looking at my picture of Crystal and the expression I had drew for her. I was a burden. I was why her dad not only got thrown out but then went to jail! She had to resent me for that. When she talks about what her dad told her or taught her I kind of resent it. She got to grow up with a dad that taught her stuff.
The counselor again tonight mentioned I have a lot of grief I still need to work through. I don't grieve my dad...I grieve a dad. I never had one. I GRIEVE my mom...I think about her all the time everyday. It was such a blessing to have her those years after the cancer. The doctors called her a miracle and she was, but I think God gave me the mom I needed and wanted after the cancer and that mom I love and miss everyday. I don't see how I will ever get over that grief.
The relationship between my sister and I is so complex, but after the epiphany a lot of things made sense...the way she treated me as I grew up. Mom said when I was born she would wake with me in the night feed me change my diapers and nurture me. That stopped after the fire. I know why now. I was to blame in her mind. After that fire I was a burden to her and trust me I sensed it. I now try to impress her. I treat her as if she is a second mother...she has an uncanny way of putting out the guilt and I buy it, I take it and I roll in it like a dog with a dead animal.
So I have lots to work through clearly.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Day 59 this was actually wrote on Friday, but posted a week later. DOH!
So the negative vibe for me. It was basically a feeling that nothing I did was good enough. I told hubby the mom that he met was not the mom I grew up with. After my mom got cancer she was different. I loved the lady that survived the cancer...that mom was amazing. I remember every decision I made was wrong. I don't think any choice I made was actually right. When I had Jonathon not having an abortion was good, but getting pregnant was bad. Having a birth without an epidural was good, but not keeping it together during labor was bad...I nearly killed the baby! Going back to school...believe it or not...bad. Putting Jonathon in a child development center instead of daycare was okay, but bad that I was not staying at home with him! Nope nothing I did was right. My friends (sans you) were bad. My boyfriends were worse. I couldn't find decent people to hang out with me (what was wrong with me?!) I could go on.
So sure enough I came home from work yesterday and yep I was craving a pretzel! I had been warned about this...I had to think was I having the craving because I was essentially given permission to crave something? Was I that prone to suggestion? Maybe. I didn't sleep well last night and I could tell I wasn't thinking well. I took an hour nap. When I woke cravings were gone and I felt great.
Then hubby came home with the girls and the madness began. They needed $100 more for clothes, but they didn't have any receipts for what mom had bought...it doesn't matter though because "I need shoes!" And the $600 spent on them by a combined donation of mom and dad did not apparently include SHOES! When the answer was no maybe $50 there was anger. Then at dinner somehow we got on the discussion of college and oldest says her boyfriend and her will probably live here for a year after high school. Wait. WHAT?! Clarification please...did you just say you and your boyfriend that we have met 1 time are planning to move into my house?! Yep because that's what Daddy said. I look at hubby horrified. He quickly shoots back. I said when you graduate from high school if you go to college you can live here...I never said anything about your boyfriend! Oldest Daughter gets angry. YOU SAID I COULD LIVE HERE! I TOLD YOU MY BOYFRIEND AND I WERE MOVING IN AFTER HIGH SCHOOL. That's when I chimed in. Your dad may have said you could move in and he may have misunderstood that you meant you and your boyfriend, but I'm telling you as the other person who owns this house...Your boyfriend will NEVER live here...in fact no boyfriends/girlfriends will live here EVER. After the nightmare I endured with my oldest son no, no, no, no NO! She stormed off into the room and I haven't seen her since.
It's going to be a great weekend. I plan to go be a blob at the pool first thing tomorrow and stay as far away from the madness as possible.
So sure enough I came home from work yesterday and yep I was craving a pretzel! I had been warned about this...I had to think was I having the craving because I was essentially given permission to crave something? Was I that prone to suggestion? Maybe. I didn't sleep well last night and I could tell I wasn't thinking well. I took an hour nap. When I woke cravings were gone and I felt great.
Then hubby came home with the girls and the madness began. They needed $100 more for clothes, but they didn't have any receipts for what mom had bought...it doesn't matter though because "I need shoes!" And the $600 spent on them by a combined donation of mom and dad did not apparently include SHOES! When the answer was no maybe $50 there was anger. Then at dinner somehow we got on the discussion of college and oldest says her boyfriend and her will probably live here for a year after high school. Wait. WHAT?! Clarification please...did you just say you and your boyfriend that we have met 1 time are planning to move into my house?! Yep because that's what Daddy said. I look at hubby horrified. He quickly shoots back. I said when you graduate from high school if you go to college you can live here...I never said anything about your boyfriend! Oldest Daughter gets angry. YOU SAID I COULD LIVE HERE! I TOLD YOU MY BOYFRIEND AND I WERE MOVING IN AFTER HIGH SCHOOL. That's when I chimed in. Your dad may have said you could move in and he may have misunderstood that you meant you and your boyfriend, but I'm telling you as the other person who owns this house...Your boyfriend will NEVER live here...in fact no boyfriends/girlfriends will live here EVER. After the nightmare I endured with my oldest son no, no, no, no NO! She stormed off into the room and I haven't seen her since.
It's going to be a great weekend. I plan to go be a blob at the pool first thing tomorrow and stay as far away from the madness as possible.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Day 58
Last night weight 183.
I started the other blog for OA...interesting. I'll probably share some of that at some point. Here are a few sound bites from last night.
"You need to find that spark that motivates you through this program...whatever is going on in you right now that stops you from eating right now, name it, give it color and an image and put it somewhere safe...you will need it when you go back to food. Make it your priority and keep it in front of your mind" Priority = I like the way I look. I want to be healthy (In my mind I don't want to be diabetic...I like my feet!)
"going back to food is like going back to a toxic relationship" There will be trust issues and a new set of boundaries will be set in place in order for the relationship to work.
Relapse looks like this: I say I really don't want to go to the store and get food to prepare. Picture yourself standing on the edge of the slope...this relates to not planning meals.
Eat on a salad plate, not my gigantic new pretty Mikasa plates (dammit), Eat with a salad fork or better yet chop sticks. (play with your food in a slow way...make it a ceremony. Every time you eat acknowledge "I am about to put food in my mouth!") No distracted eating...it doesn't register in your brain that you ate (distractions = driving, movies, working at desk or computer, TV)
Check out this book "Fit from within" (meditations re: food)
Do I have room to put the rest of the family stuff? So we continued to go over family past experiences.
So we were told to think of a positive message that you felt in the family (basically and overall vibe) Some people said the vibe was that no matter what my family had my back. For me I had the hardest time answering that. What message did I get from my mom...unfortunately I could not come up with many positive without a negative. My mom was a fun person, but every compliment was usually followed by a criticism. The common vibe in my family from both mom and sis...I was pretty and outgoing...followed by I was vain and I talked to much because I always wanted attention. I'm smart...too smart for my own good or a smart ASS.
Then we were asked to describe a negative vibe.
One lady talked about the vibe...she was the eldest sister and had to take care of her younger siblings. She missed out on lots of her childhood to make sure her younger siblings had a childhood. The counselor gave that a $5 word (parentified) My sister and Kitty came to mind.
One man talked about how his mother was depressed, but they didn't have a name for it when he was growing up. His mom was often found in bed with a book. (I like to curl up in bed with a book...hmmm) he said he felt like he was invisible. The counselor said the inattentive, unavailable parent erodes childhood.
The counselor reminded us that we need to tell our stories...we need to be heard.
I didn't get to share my negative vibe. I'll share on tomorrow's blog or maybe I'll wait until after I share with the class.
In parting the counselor gave us homework. We are to think about how it feels in our body to have this elusive desire to be thin and healthy weight that goes up and down.
Also, big thinking here... If I always believed my mom was right and as the protective parent I needed her to be right, but the things she said to me growing up were negative, but she was right...which left me as I defined myself based on what my mom would say is that I was bad. I gained weight to medicate and numb because I was bad. Now here is where it gets really twisted. When I'm losing weight, not being numb, dealing with my suppressed feelings I'm good. If I'm good and not bad then my mom was wrong...but I need her to be right, because she's my mom so by default she's right. The big question Can I tolerate that now? Unconsciously can I tolerate making her wrong.
Now we were warned working through this might trigger food cravings...we are basically stirring our mental pot this week. What are the feelings you have where does it get triggered now?
I started the other blog for OA...interesting. I'll probably share some of that at some point. Here are a few sound bites from last night.
"You need to find that spark that motivates you through this program...whatever is going on in you right now that stops you from eating right now, name it, give it color and an image and put it somewhere safe...you will need it when you go back to food. Make it your priority and keep it in front of your mind" Priority = I like the way I look. I want to be healthy (In my mind I don't want to be diabetic...I like my feet!)
"going back to food is like going back to a toxic relationship" There will be trust issues and a new set of boundaries will be set in place in order for the relationship to work.
Relapse looks like this: I say I really don't want to go to the store and get food to prepare. Picture yourself standing on the edge of the slope...this relates to not planning meals.
Eat on a salad plate, not my gigantic new pretty Mikasa plates (dammit), Eat with a salad fork or better yet chop sticks. (play with your food in a slow way...make it a ceremony. Every time you eat acknowledge "I am about to put food in my mouth!") No distracted eating...it doesn't register in your brain that you ate (distractions = driving, movies, working at desk or computer, TV)
Check out this book "Fit from within" (meditations re: food)
Do I have room to put the rest of the family stuff? So we continued to go over family past experiences.
So we were told to think of a positive message that you felt in the family (basically and overall vibe) Some people said the vibe was that no matter what my family had my back. For me I had the hardest time answering that. What message did I get from my mom...unfortunately I could not come up with many positive without a negative. My mom was a fun person, but every compliment was usually followed by a criticism. The common vibe in my family from both mom and sis...I was pretty and outgoing...followed by I was vain and I talked to much because I always wanted attention. I'm smart...too smart for my own good or a smart ASS.
Then we were asked to describe a negative vibe.
One lady talked about the vibe...she was the eldest sister and had to take care of her younger siblings. She missed out on lots of her childhood to make sure her younger siblings had a childhood. The counselor gave that a $5 word (parentified) My sister and Kitty came to mind.
One man talked about how his mother was depressed, but they didn't have a name for it when he was growing up. His mom was often found in bed with a book. (I like to curl up in bed with a book...hmmm) he said he felt like he was invisible. The counselor said the inattentive, unavailable parent erodes childhood.
The counselor reminded us that we need to tell our stories...we need to be heard.
I didn't get to share my negative vibe. I'll share on tomorrow's blog or maybe I'll wait until after I share with the class.
In parting the counselor gave us homework. We are to think about how it feels in our body to have this elusive desire to be thin and healthy weight that goes up and down.
Also, big thinking here... If I always believed my mom was right and as the protective parent I needed her to be right, but the things she said to me growing up were negative, but she was right...which left me as I defined myself based on what my mom would say is that I was bad. I gained weight to medicate and numb because I was bad. Now here is where it gets really twisted. When I'm losing weight, not being numb, dealing with my suppressed feelings I'm good. If I'm good and not bad then my mom was wrong...but I need her to be right, because she's my mom so by default she's right. The big question Can I tolerate that now? Unconsciously can I tolerate making her wrong.
Now we were warned working through this might trigger food cravings...we are basically stirring our mental pot this week. What are the feelings you have where does it get triggered now?
Monday, August 15, 2011
Day 54
Well I feel good about what I've lost so far. I still have a ways to go and I know things are going to start to slow down for me at some point. I haven't been exercising at all...I'm a little frustrated. I actually for the first time in my life want to run. There is a program through the same place where I go to my meetings that slowly gets you ready for a half marathon. I kinda want to do that. Everything I read says that running seems to be the thing the helps people keep the weight off.
Hubby does not want me to run. He says it's not a good idea at my age. That's why he got me the bike. I need to just get on the dang bike! Maybe I need to do one of those incentive things. I haven't really been talking to my sister much, but maybe I can do it with John. My sister has called me once since the whole guilt trip thing over Terry's birthday and that was just to see if I was going to an event we were both invited to. I told her no. Then my nephew texted and said everyone is asking about you...you should come. So I put all the kids in the car and off we went. My sister barely spoke to me the entire time I was there. Then my tenant told me she was going to Vegas this weekend. I don't know why she effects me like she does, but I'm learning to not let those things get to me.
The same day I went to that event was the day before we had to take all the kids back to their perspective parents. I had a mini melt down. I just needed to be alone. I didn't go off or anything. I just went in my room and read. I think I was over stimulated. The kids were so loud and hyper. I felt my heart racing.
The weekend was great. Hubby and I went to Disneyland to renew our passes. Staying on the shakes was not a problem...carrying around a mini cooler was a pain in the butt. We are thinking of going back in 2 weeks. Hubby suggested a hidden mickey scavenger hunt. He is so awesome!
Hubby does not want me to run. He says it's not a good idea at my age. That's why he got me the bike. I need to just get on the dang bike! Maybe I need to do one of those incentive things. I haven't really been talking to my sister much, but maybe I can do it with John. My sister has called me once since the whole guilt trip thing over Terry's birthday and that was just to see if I was going to an event we were both invited to. I told her no. Then my nephew texted and said everyone is asking about you...you should come. So I put all the kids in the car and off we went. My sister barely spoke to me the entire time I was there. Then my tenant told me she was going to Vegas this weekend. I don't know why she effects me like she does, but I'm learning to not let those things get to me.
The same day I went to that event was the day before we had to take all the kids back to their perspective parents. I had a mini melt down. I just needed to be alone. I didn't go off or anything. I just went in my room and read. I think I was over stimulated. The kids were so loud and hyper. I felt my heart racing.
The weekend was great. Hubby and I went to Disneyland to renew our passes. Staying on the shakes was not a problem...carrying around a mini cooler was a pain in the butt. We are thinking of going back in 2 weeks. Hubby suggested a hidden mickey scavenger hunt. He is so awesome!
Friday, August 12, 2011
Day 50
I posted something (Day 35) that I forgot to post...I wrote it, edited it and then just forgot to post. OY! Hopefully that doesn't confuse you with the date.
Last nights weigh in 185.5
I shared in class last week about the break down I had. Everyone was in shock, what are the chances of having two people in the class that have parents that were shot in the face? Familiar lady was absent. I kinda wanted her to hear what I had to say, but it wasn't to be.
I didn't write about that class but here are some sound bites :
Last nights weigh in 185.5
I shared in class last week about the break down I had. Everyone was in shock, what are the chances of having two people in the class that have parents that were shot in the face? Familiar lady was absent. I kinda wanted her to hear what I had to say, but it wasn't to be.
I didn't write about that class but here are some sound bites :
- I need to make the connection between how I feel (or felt) and how I use food.
- Changing my lifestyle means no white knuckling (Basically don't deprive myself but don't go the other way to excess)
- Don't starve myself with food or emotions, no black and white thinking (eat ton's Monday starve myself Tuesday)
- We did a chart of our life over time, how much we weighed and when then we plugged in events. Of course when there were big life events...I got fat.
- Certain emotions trigger food learn what they are. For me it is anxiety, sadness and anger.
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