Okay so here is the writing assignment...First let me give you some info...she started the writing assignment with the words My first few weeks on Optifast have been...then we began to write, she would then put a new word on the board that we had to incorporate in the assignment. While I'm tying this I will put those words in bold.
My first few weeks on Optifast have been a walk down memory lane. The streets are the same but all the buildings have changed. I'm a different person now. I know losing my mother two years ago is some of why I've changed. I think of her every day. I'm stronger. I'm strong enough to do this again now. I wasn't before. I was afraid I would fail again. Experiencing the loss of her and dealing with my sister (amazingly) for the first time helped me walk over the bridge that crossed my river of doubt. I doubted myself. I hate onions. I get where this is going...peeling the skin, I prefer to use the analogy of an artichoke. In the end what's left is the delicious heart without the pointy leaves to protect it (or block it) Onions actually upset my stomach and I'm sick for days. It's always been that way since I was a little girl. My safe place now oddly is with my husband and best friend. I can tell her everything without fear of judgment or competing. Alone for me is still not safe. I already used heart but I can say more. I fear my heart is hard. My husband says "I have an uncanny ability to be indifferent to things most people cannot detach from". I want to learn how I do that and most importantly why. Why do I detach so easily and so quickly?
So after she read mine she recommended I go to counseling! Everyone else not so much...me counseling. What the hell was so weird about mine! The detachment thing? She mentioned grieving. I'm still grieving over my mom, but I'm functional...I didn't know there was a time limit for how long you could grieve the loss of your mother! I think of her every day and I like that. She is fresh in my memory and I want it to stay that way as long as it lasts...it doesn't freeze me in sadness. I'm not sad anymore. I miss her. I like to think she's up there with your mom and Bobby having a margarita, joking and laughing with them. I don't think that means I need counseling. I think it's the detachment thing...
4 comments:
Well. hat is very strange. Is this the lady that yells "bullshit" at people? Maybe she has Terrets and needs counseling? Is she a clinical psychologist? Lisenced therapist? Quack? Hummmm?
I read your quick write and thought...before I read the counseling comment...that it was a very nice analysis of the situation and the key words.
I can see the buz words/phrases that might have concerned her, but when you write them in a quick write, out of context from yournlife and experiences, they wont make sense.
"Alone is not safe for me." I assume you mean with eating? Do you still have the desire to binge eat while alone? I wonder if she's worried for your personal safety? like you'll harm yourself?
the detached bit might also be on a "refer someone to counseling if they write about ______ list."
Why do you feel your detached from stuff? Do you not get emotional, or invested in events or people? Maybe you're just not sweating the small stuff? I think i need more info on this one to determine whether or not you belong in the loony bin...:-)
Thank you for counting me as one of your safe places. (uhhh...that is if you were talking aout me. Don't want to be presumptuous.) I love you wholeheartedly. I do have one question though. Why is it odd? Genuine curisoity...not anything else.
Okay yes this is the one that yells bullshit at people. She is a licensed therapist. Alone is not safe...yes it's about food. It's also just a ping of being alone, although I'm definitely getting better! I've actually been craving alone time! I look forward to those times I can just go be alone.
The detached thing I think might be what she is referring to in the counseling. I think I'm going to ask for clarification from her...it would be weird calling for an appointment for one on one and them asking the reason of my visit...well I wrote something down and my counselor recommended I get one on one counseling. Not sure how that will sound. The detached thing I have had since I was young...I did it with my mom. If something was going to hurt I'd leave in my mind...I'd check out. When my dad died...I checked out...he became my sister's dad...I still to this day slip up and say that. When Ben cheated. That was fine...I convinced myself that I never loved him anyway, so it can't hurt if I didn't even love him, and I surely would never love him again. If he decided to stick around that was fine at that point I didn't give a shit. I shut off emotions. I did it with you. When we didn't talk those first few years I was in Visalia, the falling out because of your cousin...I told myself out friendship was one of convenience...that we just happened to live close together so that's why we hung out. We didn't really like each other like best friends do...of course its total bullshit, but I can make my mind accept it and then click...it's off and out of my mind it's not mine to care about anymore. Is it time for the loony bin? I know its a survival thing a coping mechanism, but where did I learn it? Why did I learn that survival skill, what was I surviving from?
It's odd to have a person as a safe place I think. There is home, there is a library, there is within yourself, but another human to rely on to be that safe PLACE, it is odd. I think it's part of my alone stuff really...as long as I have you I'm not alone even if your in Visalia...you're there for me so I'm not alone.
I don't thing the shutting off emotions thing is that rare, actually. I mean, how many "chick flicks" or romance novels start out with the emotionally detached male/female character who had been burnt by (take your pick) the love of a parent, lover, etc.? Once bitten, twice shy is a saying for a reason. I wonder if one-on-one therapy would help you find the core of the first "bite"? Do you feel you detach now? With the important people in your life? John? Michael and Johnathon?
I feel like shit every time I think about my retarded phase. Please continue to accept my apologies until the day I die.
I'm glad to be part of your safe place. And know that never again will I leave you hangin'.
I do detach from John at times when things get uncomfortable (disagreements) I've never detached from my boys and I don't think I ever will...its a maternal protective thing. John hates when I detach. He pulls me right in and calls me on my bullshit real fast. I think that's why I love him!
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