Okay lets have some structure...First part the class book, second part the OA stuff.
So the book we read at our pace and they really don't tell you "read this chapter"...I'm reading about encouraging social support. That's been tough considering that only 3 people on my whole campus know I'm not eating and most of my friends don't know. So encouraging support when I'm keeping a secret can be a hard to relate to in the book. I try to pretty much put John and my sister in that category. So I'm to the part how to refuse someone. Here is what I got out of that. I need to be honest up front (to an extent) if its someone wanting to share a bagel with me I need to just say up front I don't eat those anymore. How I would normally handle it I would tell them I'd share one later, but then never do it...so then I'm a flake.
It also talks about setting up incentives and rewards for achieving my goals...I have something in place right now as you know and the book suggests something similar. I may start a reward system for exercising though. I'm still lagging in that area. I loved this idea: I'll just type verbatim : "It is important to set up your reward so that there is a possibility of losing it, too. Instruct your friend to give you the reward only if you earn it within a certain time frame and otherwise give it to some person or group you would rather not support for example politics." So it would go like this. I give sis $10 and she gives me $10 we set our goals...if we achieve them fine we give each other's $10 back...if I fail she keeps my $10 and donates it to the tea bagger society and a part of me dies. If she fails I give her $10 to a union...and she goes home and cries herself to sleep vowing to never let it happen again! I think it's the best thing EVAR!
The next part I'm reading is "the role of a buddy and choosing a buddy" That makes me a little nervous...this would be someone in my class, but so far I don't like many people in my class. I'm starting to think I'm a stuck up bitch deep down. I mean I just decided at work that I don't want to associate with a BOAT LOAD of people...overnight! I just woke up one morning and said I can't keep talking to these low functioning people anymore...I can't!
Okay now OA. I'm not going to go to meetings so I'm doing these steps alone. So step one "we admitted we were powerless over food-that our lives had become unmanageable" So before reading I wrote in the side column "wouldn't just buying this book demonstrate that I did step 1?" Then I read that first step a quick read, so I read it again...and again and then it hit me...I admitted I had a problem with food, but not that I was powerless...in fact I am very powerful look how I'm controlling it right now! I'm not letting it control me by not eating it! Which I realized is really food totally controlling me! So much so I'm here not eating it! It was very convoluted thinking and I thought I was on an acid trip when I finally had the epiphany! It was like being in a room that's painted like the outside and trying to pick the lock so I could get in the room behind the door that really was the outside. So then I one by one owned that I was 1. obsessed with food 2. out of control (even if I'm on a diet where I don't eat...I'm still out of control if I wasn't doing this I'd be really out of control) 3. I've done self-destructive things to myself, over-exercising, dieting, purging I did! My favorite way to purge was binge then go bike riding vigorously until I puked everything up...then I didn't have a problem because bulimics stick their fingers down their throats and I never do that. (nice self talk aye?)
I admitted that I ate to squelch my fears, anxieties and anger ironically about being overweight so I ate! In the end I accepted with big open arms I am a compulsive over eater. I am. I eat for the wrong reasons and I eat too much. Is food my enemy? No, but I don't know how to be friends with it that's for sure. I'm going to do the work book this week for just step one. When I complete that I may go on to step 2. But wow what a great thing! I'm a total food alcoholic!
2 comments:
LOL! LMAFO! That reward system rocks. And your description rocks even more!
Funny how we think we can "pyche ourself out" by rationalizing our issues. But purging...that's a tough one. You didn't do it often, did you?
Learning to be friends with food. That's a good concept. Hope you figure out how, then you can teach me.
I didn't do it long...it was a losing a battle...I binged more that I purged.
Currently food and I aren't talking...
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