Okay lets have some structure...First part the class book, second part the OA stuff.
So the book we read at our pace and they really don't tell you "read this chapter"...I'm reading about encouraging social support. That's been tough considering that only 3 people on my whole campus know I'm not eating and most of my friends don't know. So encouraging support when I'm keeping a secret can be a hard to relate to in the book. I try to pretty much put John and my sister in that category. So I'm to the part how to refuse someone. Here is what I got out of that. I need to be honest up front (to an extent) if its someone wanting to share a bagel with me I need to just say up front I don't eat those anymore. How I would normally handle it I would tell them I'd share one later, but then never do it...so then I'm a flake.
It also talks about setting up incentives and rewards for achieving my goals...I have something in place right now as you know and the book suggests something similar. I may start a reward system for exercising though. I'm still lagging in that area. I loved this idea: I'll just type verbatim : "It is important to set up your reward so that there is a possibility of losing it, too. Instruct your friend to give you the reward only if you earn it within a certain time frame and otherwise give it to some person or group you would rather not support for example politics." So it would go like this. I give sis $10 and she gives me $10 we set our goals...if we achieve them fine we give each other's $10 back...if I fail she keeps my $10 and donates it to the tea bagger society and a part of me dies. If she fails I give her $10 to a union...and she goes home and cries herself to sleep vowing to never let it happen again! I think it's the best thing EVAR!
The next part I'm reading is "the role of a buddy and choosing a buddy" That makes me a little nervous...this would be someone in my class, but so far I don't like many people in my class. I'm starting to think I'm a stuck up bitch deep down. I mean I just decided at work that I don't want to associate with a BOAT LOAD of people...overnight! I just woke up one morning and said I can't keep talking to these low functioning people anymore...I can't!
Okay now OA. I'm not going to go to meetings so I'm doing these steps alone. So step one "we admitted we were powerless over food-that our lives had become unmanageable" So before reading I wrote in the side column "wouldn't just buying this book demonstrate that I did step 1?" Then I read that first step a quick read, so I read it again...and again and then it hit me...I admitted I had a problem with food, but not that I was powerless...in fact I am very powerful look how I'm controlling it right now! I'm not letting it control me by not eating it! Which I realized is really food totally controlling me! So much so I'm here not eating it! It was very convoluted thinking and I thought I was on an acid trip when I finally had the epiphany! It was like being in a room that's painted like the outside and trying to pick the lock so I could get in the room behind the door that really was the outside. So then I one by one owned that I was 1. obsessed with food 2. out of control (even if I'm on a diet where I don't eat...I'm still out of control if I wasn't doing this I'd be really out of control) 3. I've done self-destructive things to myself, over-exercising, dieting, purging I did! My favorite way to purge was binge then go bike riding vigorously until I puked everything up...then I didn't have a problem because bulimics stick their fingers down their throats and I never do that. (nice self talk aye?)
I admitted that I ate to squelch my fears, anxieties and anger ironically about being overweight so I ate! In the end I accepted with big open arms I am a compulsive over eater. I am. I eat for the wrong reasons and I eat too much. Is food my enemy? No, but I don't know how to be friends with it that's for sure. I'm going to do the work book this week for just step one. When I complete that I may go on to step 2. But wow what a great thing! I'm a total food alcoholic!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Day 33 (Class sound bites)
I'm going to see how organized I can be with this. I'm going to try to do the sound bites from class today and the book tomorrow...what may happen is the class one will be big, too big to do in one post so I may continue class stuff tomorrow with book stuff. By the way I am sooooo excited you are literally driving down here right now!? Nuts aye?!
Okay I need to drink more water. 100oz. I thought it was 80 to 104oz (I have no idea what 4oz would add), but that's the number they gave me and I forgot it...I was shooting for 80oz. The counselor said that would explain the 2 pound weight loss last week (that I didn't even know about at that time I only lost 2 pounds!) So now I drink 2 smart waters (33 oz each) plus the 40oz in my shake and I'm there! I don't drink any other water for fear I will flush out my vitamins. I love that smart water its so soft in my mouth! I know weird...if I have to drink anything different I drink distilled with lemon.
Fat + Optifast = gallbladder attack (so if I cheat don't pick a high fat item) YIKES!
Alcohol + Optifast (yes I asked again) = Kidney meltdown. I guess my kidneys are having to work very hard with a total protein liquid diet and alcohol would be no bueno...also I would get drunk on 1 drink then lose my senses and eat...guaranteed.
"I can act my way to better thinking, but I can't think my way to better acting" I guess it's an AA thing, but it makes great sense! Basically stop thinking about it and just do it even if you have no idea what the hell you're doing! Basically fake it until you make it.
"Act as if you don't have a problem with food. If you act like you do it will consume you." It totally did! The last time I got off Optifast its was the only thing I thought about. It was crazy...remind me to talk about binges on a different post.
"Lifestyle change means people, places and things" not sure how to incorporate this yet, but I think I'm getting the people part...I dumped a boat load at work recently and re-selected a new group. I just did an acquaintance inventory...if they had damage I distanced myself...it may be mean, but trust me when I say there are some DAMAGED peeps here.
**Never leave my house hungry again!** No going to restaurants hungry.
Do not dabble in this (not eating/eating thing) ask myself "what issues would I be facing if I wasn't distracted with gaining and losing weight" or "what would I think about if I didn't think about that?" Because weight loss + fat = old familiar problem that distracts me from everything else.
"Learn to eat Sober." I like that one.
Death by 1000 paper cuts, give a little, give a little, give a little, imagine each time you do a little favor or act that you think is "helping" as a paper cut and sooner or later you're bled dry, so you fill yourself with food.
Identifying and communicating needs. This was a class exercise. I literally heard myself say "I need you to tell me what you need!" to my partner...I have a long way to go. Here are some of my needs that I finally identified: love, to feel connected, sex (why deny it?), acceptance, sense of belonging, to feel safe, to have joy, rest, quiet and calm, friendship, acknowledgement, to be valued, respect and I need to be challenged.
"There are no victims, only volunteers"
Hey! That's all the class sound bites. Okay well tomorrow I will try to get the book stuff in and the OA stuff.
Okay I need to drink more water. 100oz. I thought it was 80 to 104oz (I have no idea what 4oz would add), but that's the number they gave me and I forgot it...I was shooting for 80oz. The counselor said that would explain the 2 pound weight loss last week (that I didn't even know about at that time I only lost 2 pounds!) So now I drink 2 smart waters (33 oz each) plus the 40oz in my shake and I'm there! I don't drink any other water for fear I will flush out my vitamins. I love that smart water its so soft in my mouth! I know weird...if I have to drink anything different I drink distilled with lemon.
Fat + Optifast = gallbladder attack (so if I cheat don't pick a high fat item) YIKES!
Alcohol + Optifast (yes I asked again) = Kidney meltdown. I guess my kidneys are having to work very hard with a total protein liquid diet and alcohol would be no bueno...also I would get drunk on 1 drink then lose my senses and eat...guaranteed.
"I can act my way to better thinking, but I can't think my way to better acting" I guess it's an AA thing, but it makes great sense! Basically stop thinking about it and just do it even if you have no idea what the hell you're doing! Basically fake it until you make it.
"Act as if you don't have a problem with food. If you act like you do it will consume you." It totally did! The last time I got off Optifast its was the only thing I thought about. It was crazy...remind me to talk about binges on a different post.
"Lifestyle change means people, places and things" not sure how to incorporate this yet, but I think I'm getting the people part...I dumped a boat load at work recently and re-selected a new group. I just did an acquaintance inventory...if they had damage I distanced myself...it may be mean, but trust me when I say there are some DAMAGED peeps here.
**Never leave my house hungry again!** No going to restaurants hungry.
Do not dabble in this (not eating/eating thing) ask myself "what issues would I be facing if I wasn't distracted with gaining and losing weight" or "what would I think about if I didn't think about that?" Because weight loss + fat = old familiar problem that distracts me from everything else.
"Learn to eat Sober." I like that one.
Death by 1000 paper cuts, give a little, give a little, give a little, imagine each time you do a little favor or act that you think is "helping" as a paper cut and sooner or later you're bled dry, so you fill yourself with food.
Identifying and communicating needs. This was a class exercise. I literally heard myself say "I need you to tell me what you need!" to my partner...I have a long way to go. Here are some of my needs that I finally identified: love, to feel connected, sex (why deny it?), acceptance, sense of belonging, to feel safe, to have joy, rest, quiet and calm, friendship, acknowledgement, to be valued, respect and I need to be challenged.
"There are no victims, only volunteers"
Hey! That's all the class sound bites. Okay well tomorrow I will try to get the book stuff in and the OA stuff.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Day 31
Weight...194.
I missed my class last Thursday. I think I told you about my friend C. Her dad and my mom were dating. It was discovered she was kidnapped at birth by her dad. He told her that her mother had died. I found her on facebook about a year and a half ago. She came to visit last Thursday. She arrived at 5pm...I would have had to say hey nice seeing you I gotta go to class make yourself at home... I just went the next day and picked up my shakes and weighed myself.
I bought an exercise bike today...$30 on craigslist. It works...its ugly, but I don't care. With the kids it hard to get on my Wii every night...they take over the main TV. UGH! This way I can get exercise in.
The girls are here for the next 2 weeks. Step son comes back for a week after next as well as My youngest son. So we will have a house full of kids. I'm gonna want to hang out with you! I may go mental! Already there has been a ton of drama...just stupid crap. Hubby and I are at each other can't seem to get on the same page. It's frustrating.
Right now he is at the pool with them. I purposely stayed back...I need air! If its not dealing with drama from them its hearing hubby about them or my boys. Youngest son left with his friends to go to comic con...I almost begged to go too!
I still haven't got my hair done. I'm a chicken shit...there I said it. It's just hair but I'm nervous. I still need to put the sound bites in. I promise I will get to it...it's been a pretty emotional roller coaster exhausting week.
I missed my class last Thursday. I think I told you about my friend C. Her dad and my mom were dating. It was discovered she was kidnapped at birth by her dad. He told her that her mother had died. I found her on facebook about a year and a half ago. She came to visit last Thursday. She arrived at 5pm...I would have had to say hey nice seeing you I gotta go to class make yourself at home... I just went the next day and picked up my shakes and weighed myself.
I bought an exercise bike today...$30 on craigslist. It works...its ugly, but I don't care. With the kids it hard to get on my Wii every night...they take over the main TV. UGH! This way I can get exercise in.
The girls are here for the next 2 weeks. Step son comes back for a week after next as well as My youngest son. So we will have a house full of kids. I'm gonna want to hang out with you! I may go mental! Already there has been a ton of drama...just stupid crap. Hubby and I are at each other can't seem to get on the same page. It's frustrating.
Right now he is at the pool with them. I purposely stayed back...I need air! If its not dealing with drama from them its hearing hubby about them or my boys. Youngest son left with his friends to go to comic con...I almost begged to go too!
I still haven't got my hair done. I'm a chicken shit...there I said it. It's just hair but I'm nervous. I still need to put the sound bites in. I promise I will get to it...it's been a pretty emotional roller coaster exhausting week.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Day 24
I have no idea what I weigh. I thought I would have some idea, but the wii is confused...it said I lost 6 pounds the other day. I handed hubby my weigh sheet he said I'm NOT under 200 pounds, but then he said I lost 20 pounds. Then that means I'm under 200. Very confused, but it's not running me. My sister on the other hand is not liking it at all. She came right out and said I DISAGREE with this numbers things. I think you should know! More like she thinks she should know. Last night she said if you have lost 20 pounds in 3 weeks your not going to make it to the 20 weeks. I said I don't know what I've lost, but I know toward the end you don't lose as much as fast...everything slows down.
I have sound bites from both the OA book and class but I wanted to talk about one strange thing I learned about myself in class and I will blog about the sound bites on another day next week.
Okay so we were talking about communication and I discovered something I do and something I am. First what I do. I play a game of battle of the bummers. John has a bad day at work. I beat with oh ya?! Wait til you hear about MY day! Then I strip from him his right to be upset about his day...worse, what I am. I'm a doer/fixer and if John tells me something bad about his day and I can't fix it (which is virtually every bad day he has had) I disconnect! I can't fix it...I can't help you...I'm powerless...I'm out. Why do I do that!? It's awful its like if I can't win battle of the bummers...I don't want to play...I'm taking my ball and I'm going home.
Here is something else. I'm a people pleasing fixer. I run around trying to solve everyone's problems...whether they want me to or not. Then I am exhausted. So I convince myself that I need food to regain my energy! It's one of the reasons I eat so much. What it really is...is me filling a void in me with food...the void is the need to have my needs met. We did an exercise and we were supposed to tell our partner what we needed. I asked her to go first...she wanted me to go first...I told her what I needed was for her to go first...when she told me her need I had a solution for her! How sad is that. I don't even know I have needs and I've convinced myself that my needs are to fulfill everyone Else's need!
So that is what I've learned this week in the reader's digest format. Sound bites to follow and possible a back fat update pic (warning the fat is still there!)
I have sound bites from both the OA book and class but I wanted to talk about one strange thing I learned about myself in class and I will blog about the sound bites on another day next week.
Okay so we were talking about communication and I discovered something I do and something I am. First what I do. I play a game of battle of the bummers. John has a bad day at work. I beat with oh ya?! Wait til you hear about MY day! Then I strip from him his right to be upset about his day...worse, what I am. I'm a doer/fixer and if John tells me something bad about his day and I can't fix it (which is virtually every bad day he has had) I disconnect! I can't fix it...I can't help you...I'm powerless...I'm out. Why do I do that!? It's awful its like if I can't win battle of the bummers...I don't want to play...I'm taking my ball and I'm going home.
Here is something else. I'm a people pleasing fixer. I run around trying to solve everyone's problems...whether they want me to or not. Then I am exhausted. So I convince myself that I need food to regain my energy! It's one of the reasons I eat so much. What it really is...is me filling a void in me with food...the void is the need to have my needs met. We did an exercise and we were supposed to tell our partner what we needed. I asked her to go first...she wanted me to go first...I told her what I needed was for her to go first...when she told me her need I had a solution for her! How sad is that. I don't even know I have needs and I've convinced myself that my needs are to fulfill everyone Else's need!
So that is what I've learned this week in the reader's digest format. Sound bites to follow and possible a back fat update pic (warning the fat is still there!)
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Day 21 (weigh day!)
Today is the day of my class. Every other week they draw blood. They only test our potassium levels.. I guess when you don't eat there is no need to test sugars, but I kinda wish they did. Getting blood drawn when you are dehydrated is a bitch! We are all always dehydrated. With no food to hold the water it goes right through. I'm limited to 120oz (includes water in my shakes) per day. Any more water than that and I will flush out my system.
So I'm not going to look at the scale today. That should be interesting. The scale prints out the weight on my check in check out papers. I then take the yellow copy to the lab and the pink copy I lay face down in my class. At the end of class I get the yellow paper back from the lab stapled to a bag with all my shakes in it. So that is a lot of looking away I will have to do! I got on the scale at home today (naked in the morning) that weight will be vastly different then the one at class tonight with all my clothes on at the end of the day. The scale this morning said 194.5. I'm going off the scale in class though...if that isn't under 200 no hair cut. I'm going to bring the paper home (without looking at it) hand it to hubby and ask simply if it is under 200. If so I'll make an appointment for Saturday to get the hair done.
I'm almost done with this Bertinelli book. My sister suggested I read it to prepare for maintenance. Nope. I think the book the program gave me Maximizing your body potential is doing just fine. I'm gonna stick with that until the over-eaters books come.
So I'm not going to look at the scale today. That should be interesting. The scale prints out the weight on my check in check out papers. I then take the yellow copy to the lab and the pink copy I lay face down in my class. At the end of class I get the yellow paper back from the lab stapled to a bag with all my shakes in it. So that is a lot of looking away I will have to do! I got on the scale at home today (naked in the morning) that weight will be vastly different then the one at class tonight with all my clothes on at the end of the day. The scale this morning said 194.5. I'm going off the scale in class though...if that isn't under 200 no hair cut. I'm going to bring the paper home (without looking at it) hand it to hubby and ask simply if it is under 200. If so I'll make an appointment for Saturday to get the hair done.
I'm almost done with this Bertinelli book. My sister suggested I read it to prepare for maintenance. Nope. I think the book the program gave me Maximizing your body potential is doing just fine. I'm gonna stick with that until the over-eaters books come.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Writing assignment
Okay so here is the writing assignment...First let me give you some info...she started the writing assignment with the words My first few weeks on Optifast have been...then we began to write, she would then put a new word on the board that we had to incorporate in the assignment. While I'm tying this I will put those words in bold.
My first few weeks on Optifast have been a walk down memory lane. The streets are the same but all the buildings have changed. I'm a different person now. I know losing my mother two years ago is some of why I've changed. I think of her every day. I'm stronger. I'm strong enough to do this again now. I wasn't before. I was afraid I would fail again. Experiencing the loss of her and dealing with my sister (amazingly) for the first time helped me walk over the bridge that crossed my river of doubt. I doubted myself. I hate onions. I get where this is going...peeling the skin, I prefer to use the analogy of an artichoke. In the end what's left is the delicious heart without the pointy leaves to protect it (or block it) Onions actually upset my stomach and I'm sick for days. It's always been that way since I was a little girl. My safe place now oddly is with my husband and best friend. I can tell her everything without fear of judgment or competing. Alone for me is still not safe. I already used heart but I can say more. I fear my heart is hard. My husband says "I have an uncanny ability to be indifferent to things most people cannot detach from". I want to learn how I do that and most importantly why. Why do I detach so easily and so quickly?
So after she read mine she recommended I go to counseling! Everyone else not so much...me counseling. What the hell was so weird about mine! The detachment thing? She mentioned grieving. I'm still grieving over my mom, but I'm functional...I didn't know there was a time limit for how long you could grieve the loss of your mother! I think of her every day and I like that. She is fresh in my memory and I want it to stay that way as long as it lasts...it doesn't freeze me in sadness. I'm not sad anymore. I miss her. I like to think she's up there with your mom and Bobby having a margarita, joking and laughing with them. I don't think that means I need counseling. I think it's the detachment thing...
My first few weeks on Optifast have been a walk down memory lane. The streets are the same but all the buildings have changed. I'm a different person now. I know losing my mother two years ago is some of why I've changed. I think of her every day. I'm stronger. I'm strong enough to do this again now. I wasn't before. I was afraid I would fail again. Experiencing the loss of her and dealing with my sister (amazingly) for the first time helped me walk over the bridge that crossed my river of doubt. I doubted myself. I hate onions. I get where this is going...peeling the skin, I prefer to use the analogy of an artichoke. In the end what's left is the delicious heart without the pointy leaves to protect it (or block it) Onions actually upset my stomach and I'm sick for days. It's always been that way since I was a little girl. My safe place now oddly is with my husband and best friend. I can tell her everything without fear of judgment or competing. Alone for me is still not safe. I already used heart but I can say more. I fear my heart is hard. My husband says "I have an uncanny ability to be indifferent to things most people cannot detach from". I want to learn how I do that and most importantly why. Why do I detach so easily and so quickly?
So after she read mine she recommended I go to counseling! Everyone else not so much...me counseling. What the hell was so weird about mine! The detachment thing? She mentioned grieving. I'm still grieving over my mom, but I'm functional...I didn't know there was a time limit for how long you could grieve the loss of your mother! I think of her every day and I like that. She is fresh in my memory and I want it to stay that way as long as it lasts...it doesn't freeze me in sadness. I'm not sad anymore. I miss her. I like to think she's up there with your mom and Bobby having a margarita, joking and laughing with them. I don't think that means I need counseling. I think it's the detachment thing...
Day 19
I wrote something in class last time...I meant to put it in the blog, but I forgot. I will do that tonight hopefully...it was our exercise. Something weird happened today. I was reading a book called Finding it : and satisfying my hunger for life without opening the fridge by: Valerie Bertinelli...it came out in 2009. So far it's okay. Much of it I can relate to. I was reading her interactions with her son and how that was sometimes a trigger for her and I found myself hungry! I don't get hungry. Even when it's time to eat...I just eat like clock work, but I'm not hungry. The odd thing...I've been hungry all day! I'll have a shake and an hour later I'm hungry! It's has to be some kind of psycho thing, but what?!
I ordered a few books...no one suggested them I just decided to get them...the funny thing...I don't really read books. I research them via book reviews and peer reviews. Reading a book cover to cover is a rarity for me. I've been reading a lot lately. I'm craving the free time to sit in the sun (ALONE!) and read my books. That's new! The books I ordered were the books they use in over-eaters anonymous. The whole 12 step program, traditions and even the workbook! I'm not sure if it's for me, but I thought I'd give it a read and see if it pertains to me. I went to the OA website and it had some criteria if OA would be good for you...I fit it, but then again I think half of AMERICA would fit it, so I'm not sticking all my marbles in that basket. It may be helpful to read it and try the workbook. We'll see.
I'm letting go of the sister stuff. She asked me my weight last week and I told her. I hate to lie to her, but I hate to confront her even more. This Thursday I'm not going to look at my weight. It's a numbers trap and I don't need to get wrapped up in it. So when she asked me again I can say I don't know. In a way I don't want to know. I know I'm losing weight. I can see it, why do I need the number? So, I think I will only look at it once a month!
I'm rewarding myself at certain goals. I decided when I get to 199 I'm getting my hair cut...no idea what style...I may just walk into a salon and say whatever looks cute. When I get to 180 I getting a thing called Lecithan? I don't know if I spelled it right. It's a $75 cream for dark circles. I haven't decided what I'll get for 160. For my goal weight I'm going to "the enchantress" its a bra boutique and I'm getting all new bras! When I keep the weight off for 8 months or until next summer I'm getting a boob lift! As much as this diet costs it will be easy to save up for the boob lift when I don't have to pay for it anymore. I lost 4.5 pounds last week so I'm now 202.5. By next week I will be at my first goal. I'm going to have to just pay attention to my Wii. It doesn't tell me how much I weigh just how much I lost. When it gets to 3 pounds I'm going to the salon baby!
I ordered a few books...no one suggested them I just decided to get them...the funny thing...I don't really read books. I research them via book reviews and peer reviews. Reading a book cover to cover is a rarity for me. I've been reading a lot lately. I'm craving the free time to sit in the sun (ALONE!) and read my books. That's new! The books I ordered were the books they use in over-eaters anonymous. The whole 12 step program, traditions and even the workbook! I'm not sure if it's for me, but I thought I'd give it a read and see if it pertains to me. I went to the OA website and it had some criteria if OA would be good for you...I fit it, but then again I think half of AMERICA would fit it, so I'm not sticking all my marbles in that basket. It may be helpful to read it and try the workbook. We'll see.
I'm letting go of the sister stuff. She asked me my weight last week and I told her. I hate to lie to her, but I hate to confront her even more. This Thursday I'm not going to look at my weight. It's a numbers trap and I don't need to get wrapped up in it. So when she asked me again I can say I don't know. In a way I don't want to know. I know I'm losing weight. I can see it, why do I need the number? So, I think I will only look at it once a month!
I'm rewarding myself at certain goals. I decided when I get to 199 I'm getting my hair cut...no idea what style...I may just walk into a salon and say whatever looks cute. When I get to 180 I getting a thing called Lecithan? I don't know if I spelled it right. It's a $75 cream for dark circles. I haven't decided what I'll get for 160. For my goal weight I'm going to "the enchantress" its a bra boutique and I'm getting all new bras! When I keep the weight off for 8 months or until next summer I'm getting a boob lift! As much as this diet costs it will be easy to save up for the boob lift when I don't have to pay for it anymore. I lost 4.5 pounds last week so I'm now 202.5. By next week I will be at my first goal. I'm going to have to just pay attention to my Wii. It doesn't tell me how much I weigh just how much I lost. When it gets to 3 pounds I'm going to the salon baby!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Day 13
Just a quick note on the program...I'm doing great. I have a ton of energy. I'm not hungry...I don't have cravings and I don't feel deprived. It's really easy. Taking all the work out of making good decisions by removing the decisions is a snap. The real work will be in October.
Okay so meeting soundbites. I'm taking notes in the meeting and in my reading. Here are a few things that stuck with me. In my reading I read that it is important to be assertive and vocalize my need, but be specific about what I want and don't send mixed messages. I can relate to that. A good example is dinner and going out. I need to basically say I don't want to go to a restaurant unless it is a place where I can make healthy choices and then when I get there don't complain that I can't have a burger. Makes sense.
In my class I wrote these key phrases down :
Setting boundaries (ask myself will this benefit me or someone else? And no self talk by saying it will benefit me by helping someone else...I tend to put everyone before me)
Now is the time to ask myself "How did I get here?"
There is no casual relationship with food!
Lastly, I need to figure out what I'm rebelling against. I can say that when I eat alone I'm feeling defiant. If I'm hurt I eat...but it's kind of like I'll show you! Only it ends up being I'll show ME! What the heck is that about? So I need to get down to that. That's my homework I think. In the book I'm about to read about refusing someone (especially someone you care about). That looks interesting!
Talk to you soon!
Okay so meeting soundbites. I'm taking notes in the meeting and in my reading. Here are a few things that stuck with me. In my reading I read that it is important to be assertive and vocalize my need, but be specific about what I want and don't send mixed messages. I can relate to that. A good example is dinner and going out. I need to basically say I don't want to go to a restaurant unless it is a place where I can make healthy choices and then when I get there don't complain that I can't have a burger. Makes sense.
In my class I wrote these key phrases down :
Setting boundaries (ask myself will this benefit me or someone else? And no self talk by saying it will benefit me by helping someone else...I tend to put everyone before me)
Now is the time to ask myself "How did I get here?"
There is no casual relationship with food!
Lastly, I need to figure out what I'm rebelling against. I can say that when I eat alone I'm feeling defiant. If I'm hurt I eat...but it's kind of like I'll show you! Only it ends up being I'll show ME! What the heck is that about? So I need to get down to that. That's my homework I think. In the book I'm about to read about refusing someone (especially someone you care about). That looks interesting!
Talk to you soon!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Day 12
Weigh in was 9 pounds. That was a surprise considering what all I had done to my body with the atkins on off thing. Perhaps I was doing it wrong...who knows. That would make sense since I didn't lose like I did when I was doing it in 2006.
I also know 9 pounds is probably water, but I like to think I lost some fat! Hubby said he noticed a difference (of course losing 9 pounds of water is quite a difference!)
I'm going to talk about the "soundbites" of the meeting in the next blog day. The thing with my sister is getting odd and I'd rather write about that. So she's been doing shakes and 1 meal (800 calories total per day) since I started the program. At first I was a little bugged by that. I'm over it. She said on Friday "I'm eating twice the calories, so I should lose half as much as you" I decided I don't really want to tell her how much I've lost because I think she will get discouraged. It's not as simple as a little math problem. There's exercise, ketosis, body structure...I didn't get into all of that.
She invited us over to her house for 4th of July. She told us to come at noon. I thought about it later and thought yikes 9 hours is a long time! I brought the Wii, thank GOD! Step son would have gone out of his mind without it. Sis had announced the day before she was going to go off her diet for the the 4th. She qualified it (I don't know why she felt she had to qualify it) with I told myself I was going to go off for certain things like the 4th, anniversary, birthday... I just said oh that's good. I still find the whole thing odd.
I expected her to be critical of me (because that's what she does when she is being over critical of herself) It was a good day until we played cards. At one point my cousin did something and I said calmly "I think I won with this jack, but M put his card over mine, so you can't see it." My cousin sarcastically said "boy, you sure follow the rules!" My sister went on this diatribe "OH YA! SHE'S BIG ON RULES! SHE LIKES TO WORK IN LIBRARIES WHERE IT'S ALL ABOUT RULES, AND SHE'S VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNION, SO SHE KNOWS ALL THE RULES AND WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF THEY AREN'T FOLLOWED!" That's the reader's digest version. Half way thru it her hubby shh'd her (that was new, not sure why he did that) and at the end my cousin said "I don't know what that means...does that mean if I'm late bringing a book back I will be fined AND I have to polish the book?" I just looked at him and said...I don't know what it means either. It was very quiet and then we went back to playing. I'm glad I can't drink on this. Had I been drinking I would have jumped on the defense and I would have felt hurt when it was all over...as it was I just felt bad for her.
I love my sister and I want to keep a relationship with her, but I think she has a lot of shit going on!
I also know 9 pounds is probably water, but I like to think I lost some fat! Hubby said he noticed a difference (of course losing 9 pounds of water is quite a difference!)
I'm going to talk about the "soundbites" of the meeting in the next blog day. The thing with my sister is getting odd and I'd rather write about that. So she's been doing shakes and 1 meal (800 calories total per day) since I started the program. At first I was a little bugged by that. I'm over it. She said on Friday "I'm eating twice the calories, so I should lose half as much as you" I decided I don't really want to tell her how much I've lost because I think she will get discouraged. It's not as simple as a little math problem. There's exercise, ketosis, body structure...I didn't get into all of that.
She invited us over to her house for 4th of July. She told us to come at noon. I thought about it later and thought yikes 9 hours is a long time! I brought the Wii, thank GOD! Step son would have gone out of his mind without it. Sis had announced the day before she was going to go off her diet for the the 4th. She qualified it (I don't know why she felt she had to qualify it) with I told myself I was going to go off for certain things like the 4th, anniversary, birthday... I just said oh that's good. I still find the whole thing odd.
I expected her to be critical of me (because that's what she does when she is being over critical of herself) It was a good day until we played cards. At one point my cousin did something and I said calmly "I think I won with this jack, but M put his card over mine, so you can't see it." My cousin sarcastically said "boy, you sure follow the rules!" My sister went on this diatribe "OH YA! SHE'S BIG ON RULES! SHE LIKES TO WORK IN LIBRARIES WHERE IT'S ALL ABOUT RULES, AND SHE'S VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNION, SO SHE KNOWS ALL THE RULES AND WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF THEY AREN'T FOLLOWED!" That's the reader's digest version. Half way thru it her hubby shh'd her (that was new, not sure why he did that) and at the end my cousin said "I don't know what that means...does that mean if I'm late bringing a book back I will be fined AND I have to polish the book?" I just looked at him and said...I don't know what it means either. It was very quiet and then we went back to playing. I'm glad I can't drink on this. Had I been drinking I would have jumped on the defense and I would have felt hurt when it was all over...as it was I just felt bad for her.
I love my sister and I want to keep a relationship with her, but I think she has a lot of shit going on!
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