I started my homework today.

I sat at the pool in my 2 piece bathing suit with my stomach fat roll reading my book.

I'm reading a book called Maximize your body potential.   I don't remember the book being used the first time.  There is a binder too.  That I remember WELL!  I was told to read chapter 2  of the book before the first meeting.  I usually don't write in books at all.  I have been highlighting and making notes on the side.  So unlike me!

One thing that is resonating while I'm reading is the "need to stop binge eating".  I do that!  I totally do.  It happens when I'm home alone a lot.  I think that's one reason I hate to be alone.  The other thing that is sticking out like a sore thumb is how they talk about people with a negative body image.  That's me!  You wouldn't think it seeing me sit at the pool with my stomach hanging out, but I have a very negative body image and I honestly don't know where that comes from, but I've had it my whole life.  I can't think of a time I didn't.  I know I need to get to the bottom of that in order to be okay with whatever body I have.  My self talk right now could easily be "I'm not happy with my body because I'm fat." but in a few months it could and might be "I'm not happy with my body because I get cold easy and I'm not comfortable thin"...the fact is I'm not happy with my body.  That is the thing I need to figure out and get over or all of this is a waste of time.

Another thing I read and it hit home was this statement "fear of regaining weight may become so over-whelming that it creates anxiety and tension that seems best relieved by getting it over with and regaining the weight"  I'm wondering if that is what happened the first time!  There were so many factors:

1. No training at all on how to maintain the weight I was at.  
2. So much stress with 2 jobs and a crappy relationship, I had not ever experienced that amount of stress It was equivalent to losing my mom and then the sister issues that followed.
3. No time to exercise or eat healthy (no time to cook at all) because of the 2nd job. 
4. Some of my friends and my sister telling me I was too thin and looked anorexic. 
5. I didn't feel good.  I was tired.  I had no periods.  I had no energy.  

Number 4 was the main one though...that stuck its fingers in all the other factors...it may have been the instigator the more I think of it.  Ultimately I was comfortable going back to what I knew because I was not being accepted as what I had become.  I need to find a way to not let that effect me this time.  There are a number of people I can think of (at least 2 at work) that would say things to make me uncomfortable.  Then there is my sister. I really need to figure out how to hear what they say, but not personalize it.
I find myself thinking of the quote I heard at commencement this year "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."  -Aristotle  I think to myself though: easier said than done.