So we have 2 more days until Hubby and I meet up with the counselor on Saturday morning. Things have gone well these last few weeks. Our vitamix arrived and I made green smoothies for us each morning. Hubby has drank them with bliss and has not looked at me as if I'm some kind of looney that just escaped the mental hospital. I've been getting that look from him. If I go to the gym 2 times in one day because there are 2 classes I really want to attend I get the...there she goes to extreme looks.
I have no idea how the meeting will go. I've played it over in my head and came to no conclusion what so ever. I thought perhaps hubby would go in there and just tell on me...like a child narking out a fellow classmate. I've never seen Hubby in a counseling situation so I really don't know what to expect. I thought he may go in and slam on the program...there by slamming my counselor as she facilitated every meeting with me. Sherri is a strong person...very curious to see how that would roll. I've wondered if Sherri would change her song outside the program...no no nib you don't NEED to work out that much....no no nib you don't NEED to plan each meal and have an action plan in for EVERY time you dine out. What I don't want is for this to be stagnant. In reality one of the scenarios needs to happen or Hubby nor I will be happy. He needs someone...that is not a health NUT to validate him that I have gone over the deep end. I need someone that is healthy to explain to him that in order to have a healthy lifestyle...you have to have a healthy lifestyle...which entails some form of exercise every day and mindful eating every day....EVERY DAY! It almost seems like a no win situation, but hopefully in the end we all find a middle.
Right now we are not in the middle. I'm getting activity in every chance I can and feeling guilty every second I do it because I know it bothers Hubby that I'm not enjoying myself with him. I don't want to ride bikes. I want to go to the gym period.
Hubby talked to my sister and bro in law about "this" Hubby said they were asking about me and my exercising. Hubby says he just sang my praises...but the next time I saw my sister (Sunday) she said something about me needing to workout more at home...hmmm. She tried to have me take her cindy crawford DVD...so I could stay home. I said no I don't have time to work in another workout...she actually said with all seriousness..."You need to MAKE time" I nearly laughed out loud. So I worked out to her DVD with her on Monday. It's okay, but the gym is way better and I've connected with the gym peeps...not to mention...Hubby was at work the whole time I worked out at sis's so it's not like I was neglecting him. I don't know. I'm trying to work on my relationships but it feels like everyone is judging me. Maybe I AM nuts.
But mostly. I need Hubby to hear and understand that I love him more than I could ever begin to describe and this is the best place physically, emotionally and psychologically I have ever been in my entire life. I am more secure when I am with him and like this. I'm truly happy...happy like I have never felt. If I lose this surely my heart will break because first I will lose myself and then I won't care enough to hold on to anything else.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Once upon a time...
I was a little fat person and I was "happy"...my husband loved me and I could eat what I wanted and I had lots of time to sit on my a** and play Farmville. I got to wear comfortable clothes. Sometimes I was sad because I was self conscience wearing certain clothing. I didn't like to go to social events that my husband invited me to because it meant dressing up and facing the fact that I was overweight. I didn't like to get undressed in front of my husband because I was ashamed of my body. I got tired going up stairs and hills, but that's what elevators are for. I grew out of my wetsuit so diving became a chore with the exercise (and the extra weight) related to it plus the expense of getting a new wetsuit. I wanted to dance but I was insecure about going into the gym or anywhere else looking like I did. The fact was...at that point...like I was...I wasn't really happy, but everyone else was because I thought I was.
Then I went on a diet and lost lots of weight and I'm happy. I get to go to the gym and dance and skate with my friends and wear cute clothes and not feel insecure about how I look. I have confidence and I feel strong. I'm sad a LOT because I can't eat what I want and my husband doesn't like to do the things that I now find fun and enjoy like going to the gym. I don't mind getting undressed in front of my husband or dressing up for him...but what does that matter if he's upset and frustrated with me? I'm not the person he fell in love with that sat at the pub drinking, going to restraunts or sitting at home playing guitar hero and Farmville. The fact is...at this point...like I am...I can't make him happy but he thinks he is and I keep telling myself I can.
Everything I do is a choice. Do I sacrifice one type of happiness for another in order to make everyone happy? Who needs these kinds of choices? Isn't trying to be healthy hard enough? Imagine trying to maintain something and working harder than you ever have in your entire life...how easy would it be to always have something in the back of your mind saying if things could just go back to the way they were he would be we wouldn't have these "discussions" and he would be happy and I would think I was happy. Is it impossible to both be happy at the same time? Maybe it is. Perhaps life truly is a yen and a yang a give and a take. It was "my time" from June 2011 to now. How do I now give him his time without completely destroying what I worked on during my time?
Sometimes I entertain the idea of going back to school and then reality hits me. He fell in love with a social butterfly who wanted nothing but to just spend every moment with him. What would happen if I added school to the mix? Would he do what he does now? Fill his time being frustrated at me for studying too much? Go hang with his friends or my brother in law while I work my a** off and secretly yearn to just go hang with him? How well do you think I'd do? (Probably as well as I have done maintaining my weight!)
THE END.
Then I went on a diet and lost lots of weight and I'm happy. I get to go to the gym and dance and skate with my friends and wear cute clothes and not feel insecure about how I look. I have confidence and I feel strong. I'm sad a LOT because I can't eat what I want and my husband doesn't like to do the things that I now find fun and enjoy like going to the gym. I don't mind getting undressed in front of my husband or dressing up for him...but what does that matter if he's upset and frustrated with me? I'm not the person he fell in love with that sat at the pub drinking, going to restraunts or sitting at home playing guitar hero and Farmville. The fact is...at this point...like I am...I can't make him happy but he thinks he is and I keep telling myself I can.
Everything I do is a choice. Do I sacrifice one type of happiness for another in order to make everyone happy? Who needs these kinds of choices? Isn't trying to be healthy hard enough? Imagine trying to maintain something and working harder than you ever have in your entire life...how easy would it be to always have something in the back of your mind saying if things could just go back to the way they were he would be we wouldn't have these "discussions" and he would be happy and I would think I was happy. Is it impossible to both be happy at the same time? Maybe it is. Perhaps life truly is a yen and a yang a give and a take. It was "my time" from June 2011 to now. How do I now give him his time without completely destroying what I worked on during my time?
Sometimes I entertain the idea of going back to school and then reality hits me. He fell in love with a social butterfly who wanted nothing but to just spend every moment with him. What would happen if I added school to the mix? Would he do what he does now? Fill his time being frustrated at me for studying too much? Go hang with his friends or my brother in law while I work my a** off and secretly yearn to just go hang with him? How well do you think I'd do? (Probably as well as I have done maintaining my weight!)
THE END.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
These last 10 pounds are driving me CRAZY!
I don't know what to do! They are stuck! Wedged on my outer thighs and lower tummy!
I've decided to name them! It sounds nuts and maybe it is...but maybe just maybe I subconsciously have befriended these last pounds and truly can't bare to see them go! But they need to go! It's a momma bird sending her baby birds off to fly!
So names...I can't really relate them to the area because I have no idea where they are all hiding. Some are on my hip...only a few.
Name number 1 will be Dexter. I think of Dexter as a smart name and the first one to jump ship in this case is the smartest. I will not punish Dexter as harshly as the rest for sticking around and making my pants just a little too tight!
Name number 2 is Poseidon. I know it seems like a very godly name but really...I think poseidon is just an imposter...acting like water but really a fat blob in disguise. When Poseidon goes I won't be able to blame the weight gain on water and if the pound does come back...It's poseidon and I will work my thighs off to make him go away
Pause...oh by the way, I'm not naming them after men because I hate men...it's just coincidental in this case.
Name for pound number 3 is Hulk. Hulk is probably on my thigh and trying to blend in with the muscle, but I can see right through him...he's all green and fat!
Name number 4: Al (sort for Al Dente) I think Al came to live with me because of my love of carbs. Buh bye Al! Al, I believe will go live with someone that likes pasta.
Name number 5: Jose. Jose came to live with me because of my love of Mexico...if I gain anything back after dining at a Mexican restaurant I will welcome Jose back...that won't be anytime soon though so the road is short for Jose.
Name number 6. Genius (nickname for Guinness) something tells me I will always have a spare room for Genius, but it's only for visits! He cannot take up permanent residence on my belly any longer. There is no room at the inn!
Name number 7. Pat. I don't know what pat is girl maybe boy, ambiguously gay for all I know. Pat is there because I sat! Pat is the pound I have due to lack of movement! Pat can never come back!
Name number 8. Sarah. (a true girl name give her an award like a new living arrangement!) Sarah's last name is Lee...no more of those.
Name number 9. Pitney. In old English it means "island of the stubborn one" anyone holding on this long has to be stubborn.
Lastly number 10 is Edward (Edward Smith) named after the captain of the titanic...Because if he doesn't get off THIS ship we are going down together!
I've decided to name them! It sounds nuts and maybe it is...but maybe just maybe I subconsciously have befriended these last pounds and truly can't bare to see them go! But they need to go! It's a momma bird sending her baby birds off to fly!
So names...I can't really relate them to the area because I have no idea where they are all hiding. Some are on my hip...only a few.
Name number 1 will be Dexter. I think of Dexter as a smart name and the first one to jump ship in this case is the smartest. I will not punish Dexter as harshly as the rest for sticking around and making my pants just a little too tight!
Name number 2 is Poseidon. I know it seems like a very godly name but really...I think poseidon is just an imposter...acting like water but really a fat blob in disguise. When Poseidon goes I won't be able to blame the weight gain on water and if the pound does come back...It's poseidon and I will work my thighs off to make him go away
Pause...oh by the way, I'm not naming them after men because I hate men...it's just coincidental in this case.
Name for pound number 3 is Hulk. Hulk is probably on my thigh and trying to blend in with the muscle, but I can see right through him...he's all green and fat!
Name number 4: Al (sort for Al Dente) I think Al came to live with me because of my love of carbs. Buh bye Al! Al, I believe will go live with someone that likes pasta.
Name number 5: Jose. Jose came to live with me because of my love of Mexico...if I gain anything back after dining at a Mexican restaurant I will welcome Jose back...that won't be anytime soon though so the road is short for Jose.
Name number 6. Genius (nickname for Guinness) something tells me I will always have a spare room for Genius, but it's only for visits! He cannot take up permanent residence on my belly any longer. There is no room at the inn!
Name number 7. Pat. I don't know what pat is girl maybe boy, ambiguously gay for all I know. Pat is there because I sat! Pat is the pound I have due to lack of movement! Pat can never come back!
Name number 8. Sarah. (a true girl name give her an award like a new living arrangement!) Sarah's last name is Lee...no more of those.
Name number 9. Pitney. In old English it means "island of the stubborn one" anyone holding on this long has to be stubborn.
Lastly number 10 is Edward (Edward Smith) named after the captain of the titanic...Because if he doesn't get off THIS ship we are going down together!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Looks like couple counseling is on the horizon.
During the program they said that it would be a difficult transition for us. They didn't really mention how it would impact our spouses and loved ones. They did state that there is a very high divorce rate in the optifast program...too which I ignored. Hubby and I get along so well...divorce would be the furthest thing from my mind...if anything this change would help us. I was depressed I hated how I looked and what I had done to myself! I'd be a better person...to myself and to Hubby ...but I had to get healthy inside and out first.
Hubby has always encouraged me to go further. "You should get your BS degree and go into management...you should get a masters and be a librarian" Sometimes he's aggressive "You're short changing yourself...you're afraid to succeed! You're above this and you're working below you potential." I have often entertained the idea of going back to school. I love what I do, but I work with a bunch of morons. I think if I went to school and got a job with people a little more educated I might surround myself with a higher caliper of people...less moronic, but as the union VP I've met with some of the top people of the district and guess what...they are moronic! People are people, higher ed, world traveled or not...its not the education that distinguishes the caliper its the mind (open or closed).
If this program is any indication of the kind of support I would receive if I went back to school I would surely fail. I just want to work out 1 hour everyday. and prep my meals each night. I don't think I'm asking for too much, but it has impacted our relationship to the brink of insanity! Usually around Thursday I get a rash of complaints from him that I'm NEVER home and always exercising. I will admit Tuesday through Thursday is rough but I'm home. Tuesday & Thursday I get home late like 9pm. This is because of Zumba on Tuesday and Maintenance on Thursday. On Tuesday I come home then leave but John doesn't see me because he is building Roman armor. Wednesday I'm home at 6:45pm. The rest of the week/weekend I'm scrambling to get activity in either right after work or when I can that isn't too long away from John. He keeps bringing up that we don't do things together. We don't spend time together....I remind him that I went through and am going through a total lifestyle change. My counselor brought up a good point. I had 25 weeks of 2 hour counseling to prepare me...Hubby had none. I suggested that Hubby and I talk to a counselor...he said "Aimee?" That's my individual counselor. I said no. I want to see the counselor that did the 25 weeks of class. It's outside our insurance so we would have to pay out of pocket, but I think it's worth it. If anyone knows what we are going through it would be her. I'm going to make an appointment with her and then just shut up and let John and her go. I have explained my needs (which is a big freakin deal!) but he thinks I'm being OCD. Perhaps he needs to hear from someone else that I can't just "relax" about my health. There is not oops I forgot to plan. There is no failure to plan. There is no eating by the seat of your pants. That is a recipe for failure...that's drive thru or starve.
I think the counseling will help. At this point I have no answers. I want to do things with my husband, but I also refuse to sit in front of the computer 4 hours a night watching youtube and playing farmville. I'm done with that...if that's "together time" I'll pass.
Hubby has always encouraged me to go further. "You should get your BS degree and go into management...you should get a masters and be a librarian" Sometimes he's aggressive "You're short changing yourself...you're afraid to succeed! You're above this and you're working below you potential." I have often entertained the idea of going back to school. I love what I do, but I work with a bunch of morons. I think if I went to school and got a job with people a little more educated I might surround myself with a higher caliper of people...less moronic, but as the union VP I've met with some of the top people of the district and guess what...they are moronic! People are people, higher ed, world traveled or not...its not the education that distinguishes the caliper its the mind (open or closed).
If this program is any indication of the kind of support I would receive if I went back to school I would surely fail. I just want to work out 1 hour everyday. and prep my meals each night. I don't think I'm asking for too much, but it has impacted our relationship to the brink of insanity! Usually around Thursday I get a rash of complaints from him that I'm NEVER home and always exercising. I will admit Tuesday through Thursday is rough but I'm home. Tuesday & Thursday I get home late like 9pm. This is because of Zumba on Tuesday and Maintenance on Thursday. On Tuesday I come home then leave but John doesn't see me because he is building Roman armor. Wednesday I'm home at 6:45pm. The rest of the week/weekend I'm scrambling to get activity in either right after work or when I can that isn't too long away from John. He keeps bringing up that we don't do things together. We don't spend time together....I remind him that I went through and am going through a total lifestyle change. My counselor brought up a good point. I had 25 weeks of 2 hour counseling to prepare me...Hubby had none. I suggested that Hubby and I talk to a counselor...he said "Aimee?" That's my individual counselor. I said no. I want to see the counselor that did the 25 weeks of class. It's outside our insurance so we would have to pay out of pocket, but I think it's worth it. If anyone knows what we are going through it would be her. I'm going to make an appointment with her and then just shut up and let John and her go. I have explained my needs (which is a big freakin deal!) but he thinks I'm being OCD. Perhaps he needs to hear from someone else that I can't just "relax" about my health. There is not oops I forgot to plan. There is no failure to plan. There is no eating by the seat of your pants. That is a recipe for failure...that's drive thru or starve.
I think the counseling will help. At this point I have no answers. I want to do things with my husband, but I also refuse to sit in front of the computer 4 hours a night watching youtube and playing farmville. I'm done with that...if that's "together time" I'll pass.
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