Does this loaf of bread make my butt look big?

Yesterday I dined with my friend the binge monster!  UGH!  My weigh in was surprising.  I lost 1 pound.  I’m not sure if the relief triggered it or not.  I think it played a role coupled with the lack of a distraction at my binge time (3pm-6pm).  I usually have to be doing something during those hours.

Mostly I think it was this, and its eye opening to see how delicate the trigger is for this:  Oldest son was dumped by his first girlfriend..  He’s tore up!  He’s been crying for 2 days.  I haven’t seen my son cry since my mom passed in 2009.   It’s teenage drama, very twilightish, but it pulls my heartstrings when I see my baby boy in such a low place!   He just had his first kiss with this girl last week…then she dumped him.  While I was talking to him about it and relationships in general I started to realize how awful I was as a teenager to boys!  She dumped him for another boy.  I did that to Billy Lucas for Bruce Birch and then dumped Bruce for Billy.  She keeps calling him.  She doesn’t want him to hate her…even though she deserves to be hated.  I did that!  I was selfish; I didn’t want to feel bad for what I did to Bruce and Billy so I called them.  As if I, the one who plunged the knife into their hearts could now somehow give them comfort.  Billy is on my facebook page.  He too was my first kiss.  I thought about writing him a quick message apologizing for being such an insensitive, horrible person.  I wondered why he ever sent me a friend request for facebook after how horrible I was!  I thought better of it.  He would think I was a total lunatic!!  Not to mention that after I accepted his friend request I realized he’s a little creepy now!

I kept trying to feed my son's broken heart.  He finally looked at me and said; “mom, I’m not hungry I’m sad…you are always saying how we need to give our emotions names and not numb them away with food!”  DOH!  Here I was eating a nice piece of frozen bread listening to my son pour his heart out to me and I wasn’t thinking about my own advice!  My son is skinny as a rail…he has no eating issues whatsoever.  He loves veggies, he loves fruit and he eats in moderation.  I share my struggle with my immediate family, but I never really thought they were truly listening!  He was.  I also realized she’s not a horrible person she’s young…I was young.  If I knew then what I know now…  

My son doesn’t hate his now ex-girlfriend.  He’s hurt, he’s sad and he wants her back.  I told him what I needed to hear (but never did) the first time I was dumped:  “protect your heart, trust and give your heart only to those that will treat it kindly and respectfully.  There is nothing wrong with you!  Sometimes we girls are nutty and we like drama…we also are attracted to drama, crazy and oddly enough people who aren’t nice to us…we view it as a challenge!”  He smiled and said where you like that?  I said well I AM speaking from experience.  His heart will heal, she’ll keep calling and his heart will hurt more, but eventually it will heal.  I will be less critical of the dumb stuff I did when I was young, because if I don’t I may as well set a place setting at our table for the binge monster every night!  

Today I’m back on track and in the zone.  I’m leaving work early and rollerblading around the bay for at least 1.5 hours.  There will be some big bike rides, dancing and general movement this next weekend and week to follow.  I gotta burn off enough calories to cover my binge!  Damage done, but I’m back to Day 1 binge free...may this monkey get off my back and I learn to be nicer to myself.

Gaining weight!

I have to say that I'm glad I'm going to weight watchers.  I really need something to keep me accountable.  The whole points thing I don't know about.  I'm actually following carblover's right now.  I need to be told what to eat.  I hate meal planning.  Just tell me what to cook how much to cook and when to eat it and I'm golden.  I'm very good at following directions.

I've been working out like a crazy person.  Hubby keeps warning me to not replace an old addiction with a new one.  I need to exercise though...all the books and studies say it.  It's not an addiction it's a lifestyle change.  I'll tell you what I AM addicted to.  Diets.  I'm on carblover's while I'm doing weight watchers and I'm reading the 17 day diet!  If that's not an addiction I don't know what is.  I'm actually researching diets.  I need to find what works.  My optifast program director would say there is no silver bullet,  it's diet and exercise.  I'm not looking for a silver bullet.  I'm looking for a diet that I can live with.  The maintenance diet after optifast is 1000 calories.  I'm starving and with BED...I binge on it.  What is worse binging and eating 3000 calories in one sitting (yes I am perfectly capable and have done that!) or trying to consistently try diets that have a little higher caloric intake that take into account some of my "issues" like my much needed aversion to sugar and white flour?
 My sister swore by the carblover's diets...she lost 20 pounds on it.  I've been doing it for 2 weeks and have gained 2 pounds a week.  I'm at 163 naked and I'll find out tonight what damage it has evoked on me with clothes on.  The book says I will lose 6 pounds in a week...I'm sure the creator didn't account for someone with the metabolism of a dead person and a serious carb intolerance.  Oh well.  At least I can say I did it and if I ever want to put on weight I know how.  The nice thing about the CL diet...I haven't binged.  I'm not quitting it.  I'll finish it through Sunday.  I'm not sure if I'll start the 17 day diet or the South Beach.  I want it to fit within my weight watcher points.  I'm kindof making my own thing as I go.  I believe that your body needs to be constantly challenged so carb switching might be the key.  Finding the balance is the tricky part.  Whatever diet I do...I plan to keep it healthy and watch my caloric intake (but higher than 1000 calories).  This should be interesting for you.  You'll get to hear all the ups and downs of all the diets out there.  I won't be doing atkins it's too extreme and the caloric intake it through the roof.

So Carblovers, basically about 1200-1400 calories per day.  Everyday starts with a green banana. Green banana and a kashi bar, g.banana mixed in steel cooked oats with cinnamon and walnuts, g. banana sliced on rye toast with a tsp of almond butter.  Lunch is whole wheat pita with spinach, peppers 4oz of chicken and low fat dressing, or 3 black bean tacos on corn tortilla with 1 tbsp cheese, carrots, lettuce and salsa.  That can also be a dinner.  Shrimp stirfry. that can be a dinner too with 3/4 c brown rice.  Portions are big, I'm sometimes hungry, but that sensor is broke on me as well.  There is one snack a day.  almond butter on 2 rye crackers and string cheese.  Greek yogurt with 1 tsp honey and 2 tbsp oats.  There is not a meal I don't like I just feel bloated ALL the time.  That's the effect of carbs for me oh that and gaining weight!  On the plus side.  My hair is growing back, my skin is nice and I have lots of energy side from the bloated feeling.  My pants fit the same and I'm "regular"  :o)

I'll let you know what diet I begin on Monday.  Hopefully whichever one it is does not trigger the binge monster!

I know it all sounds a bit nuts...it is.

The binge monster part duex

I'm 9 days binge free (today is day 9)  I had a close one the day after my sister's holiday party...I forgot about the relief trigger...doh!  I have BED (binge eating disorder)...luckily it's not coupled with vomiting. The binge monster went away after lots of counseling, medication, gaining all my weight back and oddly enough Ben moving out.

The binge monster is back with vengeance.  I spend so much mental energy staying focused on NOT binging that its insane!  Triggers:  Food that will go to waste (I can't throw away certain food, specifically if it's a good food...like chocolates that no one will eat...I like chocolate who cares what's in the filling!  The ends of really good bread...it's still the good bread!) feeling manipulated or cheated, feeling I'm treated unfairly (this can be as small as watching someone eat chocolate cake and knowing I can't have any!), relief (that's a weird one) and feeling unappreciated are a few.  The last one is a big one.  Why I binge when I have these feelings I don't know.  I don't know why I would hurt myself after I was already feeling hurt!  It's as if I don't want anyone to be able to hurt me...only I'm allowed to do that!  To avoid binges I have to have "rituals", my satiety sensor is broke from the fast, so I have to REALLY concentrate when I eat to know when I am full.  This means little to no distractions.  I don't eat alone (I have to have witnesses)  I measure my portions and only eat "my food"  for that day.  I close the kitchen after dinner...no going in for any reason.  I have to have a plan for 3-5pm (my most common binge time)  When I am alone I have to be away from access to food.  It's mind numbing and exhausting and it wasn't always like that.

Today has already begun to be a trial for me.  Most days are fairly easy.  1.  I woke to a dead mouse in my pantry.  I knew we had a mouse that's why John put the trap, but it bothered me that a mouse was in my house.  It would only eat my diet crackers!  That led me to binge near New Year's...he/she/it ate through the bottom of my rice cakes.  I felt cheated (trigger).  Finding it in my pantry dead gave me relief (there's the relief trigger)  Relief trigger examples:  cake at work but I eat none...winner I showed such restraint I'll reward myself with a small sweet, enter binge monster.  I thought I'd never catch that rodent....I did so well I'll reward myself with a serving of chips...  2.  John and I had a disagreement just as I got done cooking my breakfast, because I can't eat distracted I had to sit and listen and try to resolve before I could begin eating...result very cold hard oatmeal, that I had to wolf down (unfocused) to get to work on time.  John got to work on time...I did not get to work on time leaving me to feel things were not fair (trigger).  3.  During this disagreement I made lunch for Michael, put a roast in the crock pot for them (I can't eat it...way too many calories...not fair trigger) and gave treats to the dogs...everyone was taken care of but me...leaving me to feel unappreciated (trigger).  When I got in the car there was no gas...THAT is a huge issue for me and I have vocalized it.  If John comes home at 11pm and he has the car I am driving in the morning I will ask if there is gas left in it.  If no I will go then and get gas...I don't like to go in the morning.  I'm too cold in the morning.  My raynard's disease is particularly awful in the morning so I focus on just being warm, not getting out and pumping gas...that's a no go.  So getting in (late) and seeing no gas (now I will be cold) triggered a non appreciated, not fair feeling.  I almost stopped at 7-11 on my way to work to get the pity party started off right with some mini gem doughnuts!  Nothing gains forgiveness from my boss and co-workers faster than a box of doughnuts.  I park at the bottom of the stairs so I can get my 4 flights in and there's a little size 0 RUNNING up and down the stairs.  Oh lovely.  As I'm walking (slowly up the stairs) she runs past me twice.  The first time she wishes me a good morning What is so good about it?!  She's probably going to use me as a challenge!  She's probably thinking:  How many times can I go up and down while she huffs and puffs up the stairs?!  

So today is a triple whammy for me in lots of ways.  I need to stay out of stores and the kitchen.  I have to prepare my dinner and lunch for tomorrow and I know I can't be left alone in the kitchen, but having John around isn't exactly comforting right now...the only thing more less comforting than that is being totally alone in the house with a kitchen full of food.

I'm trying to stay strong! Yes, but you're only human...Shut up binge monster!

It's official...I've lost my mind!

The binge monster

So I've had some self realization recently.  I hadn't binged for years. I did optifast, got off did okay for a few weeks and then the binge monster moved into the guest bedroom.  It seems that when I DIEt...the binge monster moves in.  When I just don't give a shit the BM stays away or maybe...he's there in the kitchen with me the whole time and my not giving a shit is just a binge that never ends!


If I deprive myself of carbs that is what I binge on...cereal, bread, sugar.  The other trigger...lack of control.  If I have my meals planned and something comes up like dinner with friends or like last night a holiday party that they had AFTER the holidays!  My sister's work does it every year and I go every year.  I really wanted to say no this year.  It seems that every event that I have attended and eaten at later resulted in a binge.

Last night was different.  I was SO careful.  I didn't eat the bread or crackers or dessert.  I had a bowl of fruit I specially requested and had a bite of John's fruit tart.  At the end of the night when I was below my caloric allotment I wanted to scream it from a rooftop!  My first time getting through an event without not just overeating but not gluttonously binging afterwards.  I have this punishment mechanism when I blow it...I BLOW IT!  I'll show...ME!

Tonight I have a dinner party at my sister's and I again just want to say no, but I can't just stop life because I'm having eating issues.  These events will always be here.  People will have birthdays, they will want to hang out, they will visit, we WILL travel...that is life and I need to learn how to live it without being a food nut!

Speaking of nuts I've been taking supplements to calm my anxiety until I can meet with the counselor in a few weeks.  Kava and St.John's Wart.  Holy crap that stuff actually works!  John noticed a sense of calm with me.  I have a sense of calm in me...I'm not battling myself nearly as much.  I'm driven don't get me wrong, but I'm not being driven by anxiety.  I want to move more.  I want to be more active, I want to stay healthy and I want to successfully maintain my weight.  I'm less anxious about the "what if I gain weight" part.

So I survived the holidays

For us Christmas is a series of food events.  It began on Christmas Day, then we celebrated Christmas day after because that's when we had all the kids.  Then New Years Eve...then New Years Day which is a potluck thing with my mom's side of the family.

I occasionally found myself going back on shakes here and there just to get through the insanity.  I have found that too many choices really does not work for me.  Just tell me what to eat and I'll do fine!  I'm on shakes just to do some damage control until my next weigh in (Wednesday night).  Thursday I have all of my meals pre-planned for the week, no more than 1200 calories per day.

Goals for this year...stay in a size 10.  No weight goal, just a size.  My resolutions were:  Stay in a size 10, continue to trust more, listen more, be more active, think about her (my mom) everyday.  I also want to add keeping up with the house work unfortunately it didn't make it to my sealed list, but it's on here so I'll resolve to do it!

Trust more was a continuation of last year.  I trust hubby completely, but I don't trust people to do what they say they will do, or what I think they SHOULD do.  An example I don't trust my kids to pick up after themselves so I clean up after them before they have an opportunity.

I'm going to set goals for the month too.  For January I have 2 goals.  1.  Go to the gym or walk around the lake/bay 15 times this month.  2.  Ride over 100 miles on my bike that goes no where.  I wanted to set attainable goals that were positive.  Last night I rode 11 miles and this evening I went to the gym for my "muscle up" class.  The instructor asked "who's coming back for the turbo kick class" I thought about it, but I needed to get son fed and I needed to get a shake in me or I was gonna pass out!  I'm bummed now that I didn't because my friend's birthday is tomorrow so I'm going to miss my workout tomorrow night at the gym.  I could've counted that as double!

So that's whats going on with me.  How about you?!  Did your son get his present?