Anxiety bites!

So I was a ball of nerves yesterday.  I've been snacking and binging since before Thanksgiving.  It seemed as though not only could I not get back on the wagon but I had built my own new wagon and I was now refusing to sit on it!!! Then I worked out on Monday, binged on Tuesday, worked out Wednesday and wanted to binge on Thursday.  The only thing stopping me was the knowledge I was going to weigh in and oh what a mess that would be.  Why was I binging?!  It snapped actually this morning.  I truly think I'm hungry!  I work out and I'm fatigued and sore...I'm misplacing that feeling for hunger!  I'm not hungry.  I still have the ED (code for eating disorder) there is hunger that you feed within reason and there is binge eating.  I do the latter.  I eat so fast my nose runs and I do it when I'm alone, and it's a lot of food that I can't control myself with.  That's a binge.

I was so freaked about the weigh in that I wanted to just numb myself with something sweet or salty or cakey or whatever!  I nearly threw up as I was walking into the clinic.  I ate within my caloric restrictions and I didn't go off plan yesterday but I had to meditate and self talk all day!!  ALL DAY!  I got on the scale and I had gained 8 pounds.  Relief!  I was only 5 pounds from my goal of 160 on their scale.  I was certain I had gained 15 pounds!  I went in to talk to the PA.  "I haven't had a period, its 2 weeks late!  I'm binging. I gained weight!"  Here is how the convo went:
PA:  That's odd.  You are eating now.  Your period stopped when you began to eat?!  It seems it would have stopped during the fast.  Are you sure you are not pregnant?  Why don't I schedule you a pregnancy test?
Me:  I am not pregnant.  I KNOW I am not pregnant and I'm overeating in an effort to get back to some kind of normalcy!
PA:  Well that won't work.  Your body is on a cycle and your cycle came and went.  It was supposed to be here 14 days ago, opportunity missed.  Santa Flow won't visit for another 14 days and may or may not stop by regardless of how many cookies you have...so stop eating the cookies!
Me:  I didn't know that!  I thought my period stopped because I lost weight...if I gain weight it will start.
PA:  No its not that simple, but it is simple as a cycle is a cycle.  If I put you on birth control tonight to induce a period. 1.  I'd introduce a bunch of chemicals into your body you may not need (you could start your menses next month) 2.  Birth control is a hormone and it usually causes weight gain, which would be counter productive for you.  3.  Lastly, you would take your pills for 21 days then stop and a period would come, throwing your natural cycle off by 14 more days!
Me:  I get it!

So we decided to discuss it again in 2 weeks.  I agreed to calm down.  I swear I think I need prozac or some other anti anxiety drug!

I'm doing great today no cravings, no hunger.  My muscles are sore and fatigued but I know that is not hunger.  Hubby 's Christmas party is tomorrow.  UG!  I can do this... I CAN DO THIS!