Day 36 (This is really out of order!) The post seems to have moved!

I'll go over sound bites another day.  I'm spent.

What a class.  The counselor shared and someone in class shared.  We were discussing "Steps to Handle Feelings".  The steps were easy enough, but then we got to the point where we identified exaggerated feelings and we need to inventory that and see if it wasn't from a past experience.  The counselor shared that she has anxiety of being alone and abandoned.  My ears perked up (perhaps this is why she recommended counseling for me...she could relate) She said that at the age of 6 she was a latch key kid.  I was a latch key kid.  She talked about how she felt...scared, abandoned, ashamed (wait ashamed?) left out, less than (her mom working was more important than her daughter's safety).  I suddenly felt very sad.  I understood the ashamed.  When my mom left me alone at night to go to her boyfriend and my friend's house I would feel ashamed...I must have did something to make my mom want to spend time with him and C and not me...why did she want to see C and him over me?  So sad.  Then out of nowhere the girl that thinks she recognizes me and I recognize her spoke up.  She said when she was a child her mom was shot in the face!  I completely shut down at that point...one after another and it was like this is YOUR life only sex reversal!  My dad was shot in the face.  Her mom lived....  I thought I was okay.

I left class, got in the car, drove to the stop light away from the building and cried and cried, like vocal crying.  I always say of my childhood my mom did the best she could with what she had.  Hubby once chimed in with but her best wasn't good enough...I resented him for saying that.  Looking at the whole thing he's right.  It wasn't good enough.  It's hard to say with her gone...I don't like to think that way, but I need to I need to figure me out and that means looking at what happened and how I felt about how my mom was with me.  She was a different person after she got sick and when she died and I loved that new person.  Before that was the mom I had and that...that wasn't good enough...I needed more.

When I got home I found out that hubby RSVP'd for a birthday that I purposely did not answer.  I knew it was the same night as my brother in law's birthday and sis is horrible about last minute planning.  Earlier in the week Bro in lawhad said he was celebrating his birthday with sis in August I was going to RSVP to our friends birthday but remembered you were in town so I waited to see if you wanted to do anything.  Finding out hubby RSVP'd caused a bit of anxiety.  I had to call sos  who earlier in the day asked me to have dinner for bro in law's birthday.  I knew I was hanging with you Saturday night so I said it would just be hubby, me and youngest son and I'm not eating.  When I called later last night after class to say hubby made other plans that I was not aware of when I spoke to her earlier and that I was very sorry she gave a loud sigh and said its okay.   I said I hope it wasn't too much of an inconvenience...she said I just have a lot of food and I've been cooking all day.  I hung up feeling awful and then thought how much food would she have extra for just 2 less months?  She was making carnitas.  I still feel bad because that's what I do.