I started my homework today.

I sat at the pool in my 2 piece bathing suit with my stomach fat roll reading my book.

I'm reading a book called Maximize your body potential.   I don't remember the book being used the first time.  There is a binder too.  That I remember WELL!  I was told to read chapter 2  of the book before the first meeting.  I usually don't write in books at all.  I have been highlighting and making notes on the side.  So unlike me!

One thing that is resonating while I'm reading is the "need to stop binge eating".  I do that!  I totally do.  It happens when I'm home alone a lot.  I think that's one reason I hate to be alone.  The other thing that is sticking out like a sore thumb is how they talk about people with a negative body image.  That's me!  You wouldn't think it seeing me sit at the pool with my stomach hanging out, but I have a very negative body image and I honestly don't know where that comes from, but I've had it my whole life.  I can't think of a time I didn't.  I know I need to get to the bottom of that in order to be okay with whatever body I have.  My self talk right now could easily be "I'm not happy with my body because I'm fat." but in a few months it could and might be "I'm not happy with my body because I get cold easy and I'm not comfortable thin"...the fact is I'm not happy with my body.  That is the thing I need to figure out and get over or all of this is a waste of time.

Another thing I read and it hit home was this statement "fear of regaining weight may become so over-whelming that it creates anxiety and tension that seems best relieved by getting it over with and regaining the weight"  I'm wondering if that is what happened the first time!  There were so many factors:

1. No training at all on how to maintain the weight I was at.  
2. So much stress with 2 jobs and a crappy relationship, I had not ever experienced that amount of stress It was equivalent to losing my mom and then the sister issues that followed.
3. No time to exercise or eat healthy (no time to cook at all) because of the 2nd job. 
4. Some of my friends and my sister telling me I was too thin and looked anorexic. 
5. I didn't feel good.  I was tired.  I had no periods.  I had no energy.  

Number 4 was the main one though...that stuck its fingers in all the other factors...it may have been the instigator the more I think of it.  Ultimately I was comfortable going back to what I knew because I was not being accepted as what I had become.  I need to find a way to not let that effect me this time.  There are a number of people I can think of (at least 2 at work) that would say things to make me uncomfortable.  Then there is my sister. I really need to figure out how to hear what they say, but not personalize it.
I find myself thinking of the quote I heard at commencement this year "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."  -Aristotle  I think to myself though: easier said than done.

Clarification

I don't start the DIEt until June 23rd at night.  My first class is June 16th and I will for sure post how that goes.  I am supposed to be reading a book also...I've no time for that, but plan to read it in Las Vegas next week.  Did I tell you I was going to Las Vegas for a week?  Husband has a medical conference there, so I'm going to lounge at the New York New York pool for a whole week! Woot!

So here are some sobering things I've come across today.  I saw a friend today who I am 99% sure did the Optifast diet 2 years ago.  I say this because he suddenly looked like a cancer victim after one summer.  I believe only Optifast members can look like that.  When I asked him how he was and said you look great he said he had been dieting.  I didn't go any further than that.  It's a very personal thing for men.  I saw him today.  He hasn't gained all of it back, but he has gained quite a bit back.  My friend's husband was on the program last year.  I saw him at a brunch last weekend with a HUGE plate of food.  He had just come off the program when I saw him last year.  He too looked like a cancer patient (I have so much to look forward to...in my sarcastic tone)  When I saw him last weekend he looked quite heavy, but not as heavy as I have remembered him in the past.  I asked my friend today how he was doing on the program.  She said he gained 30 pounds back!  I said "yikes!  Is he doing the maintenance?"  She replied no and she was ready to knock him upside the head.

Something I also have noticed...I watch people eat.  I note how much they eat.  I'm not caring how much I eat right now.  I'm enjoying my last few days of eating whatever I want because in a few weeks....that will never be the case again.

Do you have food restrictions?  I know you feel full faster, but are there foods that you are not supposed to eat?  I have a feeling I'm going to have quite a few food restrictions when the time comes.  I'm trying to get my mind wrapped around that.

I'm not sure this is healthy, but I'm gonna do it anyway

Here are my vices when it comes to food:

Boredom..if I'm bored I like to eat to pass the time...I prefer small crunchy salty things for this.

The car...if I eat in the car I will finish whatever it is I am eating not realizing I'm full...I have no idea why that is.

Lucky Charms.  I can't get enough of that cereal if it's in the house I will eat the whole box!

If I eat something like flaming cheetos...I have to eat something else to stop my mouth from burning and I usually eat way to much of whatever that is. 

I have a thing about finishing my plate.  I don't think my mom did that...my grandmother on my dad's side was weird about that...I got spanked for not finishing my plate, but I don't think mom was weird like that so I have no idea where that comes from.  I even get edgy if others don't finish their plate BUT I have enough good sense to not have that expectation of my children...weird I know.  I usually don't have to worry about it with John...he finishes his, or he doesn't but then finishes mine.  It's a match made in heaven of the weirdness.

I don't have issues with alcohol in fact I explained to the doctor that I make wine, but I would not be drinking any during the program.  She put on my chart "willing to quit" WTF?!  It's not like I'm in a 12 step program!  

Boy you're gonna have a lot of reading!

Just kidding.  I think this one will be short and then there will be a down time until June 23 when I stop eating.

I had my doctor appointment today.  My EKG had an arrhythmia, but they said that was normal for younger people...I just turned 41 today nice to know they consider that young.  They asked me about my experience in the program before and I explained that I felt that I had lost too much weight.  I told her I lost 62 pounds on the program before...she said that's great.  I paused and looked at her like hmmm perhaps you are crazy.  I told her my counselor noticed at my last class that you could see my rib bones.  The doctors eyes got big and she said OH!  Not like oh no, more like Oh wow that's great.  It was then that I stopped and said.  I want to be healthy.  I don't want to be under weight at the end of that program I could not even walk up a flight of stairs, my periods had stopped, my hair was falling out and I had an anxiety toward food that I didn't kick for 2 years.  She then wiped that happy look off her face and came into reality.

We talked more and then she said okay so it looks like you start the "product" (that's the gross shakes) next week.  I said "um no, I start the class on the 16th and the product on the 23rd."  I told you kaiser is crazy!  As I was leaving the lady said there are classes that start earlier do you want to start sooner?  I answered no.  I've given a lot of thought to this and I have my time being fat all planned out thank you!  She laughed.  I think she's crazy.

Doctor appointments

So I've had a few appointments.  This is a medically supervised diet, so you have to have all these tests before you can start.

They did an EKG...that was normal.  They did a sugar test after a fast and it was a little high, but not insulin level requirement...basically they are calling me borderline diabetic.

The  number...my weight that no one knows...212.5!  I was 203 when I started Optifast in 2002.  I've never weighed this much...EVER!

Okay so the first appointment we talked about how much I wanted to lose vs how much I should lose.  Most people want to lose more than they should...that wasn't me. They said for my height I should be 125.  I want to weigh 160...I'm willing to go down to 150 and then gain 10, but no way 125.  I got down to 140 last time and you could see my bones.  My bones are BIG AND DENSE!  We argued for a bit saying 150 was still overweight, but in the end they looked at my chart and realized they kicked me out of the program at 140 because you could see my RIBS!

I have to go to class once a week.  I may not blog every day, but I will blog after that class for sure.  That is when I do the weigh in.   The class is Thursday and the first one is June 16th.  I stop eating on the 23rd.

Here are signs I'm going crazy...

1. I turn into a baking fool...I look up recipes on the Internet and cook them. It's like full on research.  I like have an obsession for food, but I don't eat it and I express no desire to eat it.
2. I need others to finish eating their food.  Again the food obsession.
3. I stop having periods and I excuse it away.  The day I stop having periods is the day this program ends for me.  It took forever to start periods again and I didn't feel normal until I did.
4. You can see my ribs and I'm okay with that!  Nope!
5. Husband says I'm too thin and I question it.

Signs I'm not crazy...

1. My sister says I'm too thin(she did that last time early)  I just looked like I weighed less and she's not okay with me weighing less than her...hmmm wonder why I didn't go to her as my support.
2. The week before I go back to eating I begin researching low fat meals (I'm going to need to do that)
3. I look for ways to make the supplement taste better with every sugar free syrup known to man (those things are nasty...I'm not crazy I'm just disgusted)

So right now I'm not dieting or watching anything. Some days I won't have time to write a long diatribe...it may just be a number...a thought or a question.  Some days it may be a picture.

I haven't started yet...

Here is the situation.  I heard of a new operation like lapband, but no port called the sleeve.  I was excited and my doctor said I was OBESE!  I don't really feel obese.  I feel overweight, but I think Kaiser is a little crazy.  Anyway I had to make an appointment with Positive Choice to get referred to even HEAR about the sleeve.


Positive Choice is where I went for Optifast.  That diet literally made me NUTS!  I'm going to go into that more on a different day, but by the end of it all I had a raging eating disorder and body image disorder.  When I got to PC they said I would never qualify for the sleeve or lapband for that matter...I'm obese in Kaiser's eyes, but not obese enough.  So we sat and talked about Optifast.  I explained what happened and they explained how things should have gone.  I missed the Psycho stuff A LOT and I never did the maintenance because I started working at a college.


Skip to now.  I'm not happy with the way I look...I don't hate it, but I'm not okay with weighing what I do.  I have tried Atkins and it's fine, but it gets old AND when I lose the weight (like I did in 2006) there's nothing to do but ATKINS!  No carbs...ever again.  That's maintenance.  I did weight watchers.  I seriously hate that.  I think it's a diet where people just meet to talk about how much they can eat without gaining weight.  I've never met a normal person in weight watchers.  I've tried others too, but those are the biggies I did over the years.


So why Optifast now.  I've never been happier in my life with every other aspect of my life.  When I did it before I was unhappy with my life, work, relationship...oh ya, and my body...I think I did the diet hoping it would miraculously change my whole life...it did, but not in the way I expected or envisioned it.  So now I think I'm doing it for the right reasons.  I want to have the endurance I once had to run up stairs, swim out during a dive, or just keep up going up hills.  I don't like my sugar levels bordering on diabetes and I don't like looking at BACK FAT...that is not okay.


So here is the plan...first only you can see this.  I thought about all the people I know...all the people I'm close to and you are the only person I would tell EVERYTHING to.  When I say everything; I'm talking pictures, weight numbers, psycho shit.  Serious.  John doesn't even know what my true weight is and my sister has NEVER seen me naked and never will if I can help it.  It's not so much a secret from John...I tell him almost everything, but weight numbers and pictures of back fat is so not sexy and I try to keep it sexy.  :o)   I plan to blog almost every day.  1. for accountability 2. to be honest with myself (I am an amazing self talker...I'm pretty good at talking others into things too) 3.  I need someone who knows me to call me crazy when and if I go crazy...cuz losing weight is not so important if I lose my dang mind!


So what do you think?  Are you in?