Just thought I would touch base and give a little update. I still fit in a few of my size 10's. I am most comfortable in 12's, but then again I'm not okay with being in my 12's!
I don't weigh myself, but 1 time at the beginning of the month. My eating plan is regimented, but versatile. I avoid processed sugar and flour 90% of the time. I'm in a good place where I can allow myself to go nuts 1 day a month and eat what I want...I call it a planned binge. I've learned that if I accidentally eat something that has sugar or flour; that is NOT the day to do the planned binge! I don't reward myself for making mistakes and then guilt myself into later making more mistakes because I made the first mistake. I'm human, fallible and I accept that!
Eating plan is basically Atkins for a month, vegetarian the next. It's a great balance for me. (with my all or nothing attitude it works!)
Exercise is in moderation. I do a run a month. I sprained both my ankles at an obstacle course run in May. I'm not doing any of those. I ran/walked a color run last weekend and had a great time. Mostly just fun runs and I am making them truly fun runs! I go to the gym about 3 times per week...more if I can, but I am happy with 3 times. I take the stairs whenever I can and I walk with my co-workers around the neighborhood most days at work (equals one mile of steep hills and stairs) I'm drenched in sweat when its done and I have learned to love that feeling. (soaked in sweat and not caring!)
I can post my weight at the end of this week or beginning of next.
The important thing now...I'm not OBESE and I'm happy with me and my life decisions. I'm in a place that is foreign and refreshing. No anxiety meds, no meds at all in fact...Just healthy!
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Have I mentioned I have the coolest doctor EVAR?
So I went to see my doctor last Tuesday. I had not had a physical in three years. I figured now was a good time. I go for my mammograms and paps in a different department. I leave my primary care responsible for my occasional raynaud's freak out or...what the hell is that thing on my back?! A freckle you say...well thank you.
He came in the room and sat down. You are here for a physical? I said yep. He said okay well I read your chart. Before the weight loss we ran a bunch of tests. They were all low. Low HDL, LDL, cholesterol, BP, your sugars tend to be low and high. Thyroid fine. The only thing that was high was your weight and your anxiety levels.
He said he would order the test again and see what has changed. I said would it bake your noodle if all my test came back looking sh***?! He said nope...I'm actually half expecting it. He said he's seen people who came in overweight and unhealthy improve their numbers after losing 10% of there weight. He has seen people come in overweight and healthy come back after losing 10% and their blood pressure and cholesterol was a mess. Not sugars. Those stayed low with the weight loss. I said why do you think that is? He said "I believe everyone has a certain set point. A place where their body is most healthy...if that number is higher than the BMI standard then its high, but if you are healthy at that weight and not healthy when you go below that weight that is something to really think about."
I said I believe when someone goes on a diet and they plateau that I think that is your body saying...STOP...this is where I'm supposed to be. I think that is why getting past the plateau is such a struggle. It's you fighting...you! He said he had never thought of that and that it sounded very logical.
He then said the better question for you is what will it do to your noodle if your numbers come back looking shi***? I said I'm not going to gain weight for that. I would ask you if you could refer me to a nutritionist. Maybe the way I'm keeping my weight off is unhealthy. I'm doing low carb you know. That's very controversial. He said low carb was fine and if he sent me to a nutritionist they would most likely put me on some kind of meal plan with limited complex carbs.
He's pretty cool.
He came in the room and sat down. You are here for a physical? I said yep. He said okay well I read your chart. Before the weight loss we ran a bunch of tests. They were all low. Low HDL, LDL, cholesterol, BP, your sugars tend to be low and high. Thyroid fine. The only thing that was high was your weight and your anxiety levels.
He said he would order the test again and see what has changed. I said would it bake your noodle if all my test came back looking sh***?! He said nope...I'm actually half expecting it. He said he's seen people who came in overweight and unhealthy improve their numbers after losing 10% of there weight. He has seen people come in overweight and healthy come back after losing 10% and their blood pressure and cholesterol was a mess. Not sugars. Those stayed low with the weight loss. I said why do you think that is? He said "I believe everyone has a certain set point. A place where their body is most healthy...if that number is higher than the BMI standard then its high, but if you are healthy at that weight and not healthy when you go below that weight that is something to really think about."
I said I believe when someone goes on a diet and they plateau that I think that is your body saying...STOP...this is where I'm supposed to be. I think that is why getting past the plateau is such a struggle. It's you fighting...you! He said he had never thought of that and that it sounded very logical.
He then said the better question for you is what will it do to your noodle if your numbers come back looking shi***? I said I'm not going to gain weight for that. I would ask you if you could refer me to a nutritionist. Maybe the way I'm keeping my weight off is unhealthy. I'm doing low carb you know. That's very controversial. He said low carb was fine and if he sent me to a nutritionist they would most likely put me on some kind of meal plan with limited complex carbs.
He's pretty cool.
Day 51 (not sure how this and day 36 got out of order so much!)
So the beginning of the class was very loosy goosy. Only 11 out of the 20 people were in class. 6 have officially dropped out.
Counselor talked about what if some of us have a gluten intolerance. I know I have a carb intolerance...I'm just better when I don't have carbs. Carbs make me nuts! I told her that I thought about trying the atkins maintenance when we go back to food...she didn't think that was a bad idea at all. Carbs are like an abusive boyfriend and I'm the enabler. They are so bad for me but I'm like a moth to a flame when I have them.
Familiar girl was there, but she was in a mood. She blurted out that "this was not working for her"..."I don't get THIS!" When asked for clarification, such as was she talking about the diet or the group she said "All of it. One day I'm on then I'm off and I don't get THIS! I don't know what ketosis even is" To all of us in the class it was as if she was speaking Chinese. What did she mean I'm on then I'm off...could she be talking about the shakes?! How do you go on and off that!? Who would do that...3 days of hell if you go off shakes and then go back on! It was very confusing. Then the counselor got into the group project...the meat and potatoes of the program...
ACE (adverse childhood experience)
http://www.acestudy.org/files/AR-V1N4.pdf
10 little questions...The higher the ACE Score, the greater the likelihood
that multiple, negative outcomes...basically attribute to co-morbidity, obesity, heart issues and other good stuff. Highest score between 7-8, I was 6. How nice. Women who have been sexually abused have a higher correlation.
Then we were asked if our parentS (both) resembled safe, consistent and structure. That's a big no. If we don't have that we are constantly dancing around the inconsistent parent wondering is she or he in a good mood, is it safe? We are so busy taking an emotion temperature that we don't learn how to feel our own feelings.
I talked about my mom. I said it wasn't my mom's fault, she wasn't very nurturing...I needed more than she could give. I was soft, emotional and needy. My mom was strong, unemotional and hard. Counselor put something on the board that resembled my mom and I.
Counselor talked about what if some of us have a gluten intolerance. I know I have a carb intolerance...I'm just better when I don't have carbs. Carbs make me nuts! I told her that I thought about trying the atkins maintenance when we go back to food...she didn't think that was a bad idea at all. Carbs are like an abusive boyfriend and I'm the enabler. They are so bad for me but I'm like a moth to a flame when I have them.
Familiar girl was there, but she was in a mood. She blurted out that "this was not working for her"..."I don't get THIS!" When asked for clarification, such as was she talking about the diet or the group she said "All of it. One day I'm on then I'm off and I don't get THIS! I don't know what ketosis even is" To all of us in the class it was as if she was speaking Chinese. What did she mean I'm on then I'm off...could she be talking about the shakes?! How do you go on and off that!? Who would do that...3 days of hell if you go off shakes and then go back on! It was very confusing. Then the counselor got into the group project...the meat and potatoes of the program...
ACE (adverse childhood experience)
http://www.acestudy.org/files/AR-V1N4.pdf
10 little questions...The higher the ACE Score, the greater the likelihood
that multiple, negative outcomes...basically attribute to co-morbidity, obesity, heart issues and other good stuff. Highest score between 7-8, I was 6. How nice. Women who have been sexually abused have a higher correlation.
Then we were asked if our parentS (both) resembled safe, consistent and structure. That's a big no. If we don't have that we are constantly dancing around the inconsistent parent wondering is she or he in a good mood, is it safe? We are so busy taking an emotion temperature that we don't learn how to feel our own feelings.
I talked about my mom. I said it wasn't my mom's fault, she wasn't very nurturing...I needed more than she could give. I was soft, emotional and needy. My mom was strong, unemotional and hard. Counselor put something on the board that resembled my mom and I.
Then she asked all of us what we liked best about our family when we were growing up. I liked the community. I had a big family (cousins, aunts, grandparents) and they were all within an hour away. We had great family celebrations (still do).
Then she asked what I liked least. I didn't like the conflict. First it was my mom and sister they fought A LOT, my mom threw my sister's bong at her head once. It was loud, chaotic and scary. Then when I got a little older it was me and my sister. She'd punch me in the stomach...not exactly a fair fight. Then when I got older it was mom and me. She hit me a few times...the last time she ever hit me I was pregnant and I moved in with my sister.
The last thing my counselor suggested appreciate all that is wonderful about me...and make a list. I'll do that on another day.
As class ended familiar girl was in tears. I went and sat by her and told her what I had shared the week before. She cried opened up and said she had a horrible childhood. She gave details. Her mother too had issues showing affection and now she was not showing affection to her 12 year old daughter. She worried it was too late. She was in a bad place. We talked for over a half an hour; we cried and when it was done she said she would come back next week...because I told her this was the best thing she could do for herself and her daughter. I wonder if I will see her next week.
Day 36 (This is really out of order!) The post seems to have moved!
I'll go over sound bites another day. I'm spent.
What a class. The counselor shared and someone in class shared. We were discussing "Steps to Handle Feelings". The steps were easy enough, but then we got to the point where we identified exaggerated feelings and we need to inventory that and see if it wasn't from a past experience. The counselor shared that she has anxiety of being alone and abandoned. My ears perked up (perhaps this is why she recommended counseling for me...she could relate) She said that at the age of 6 she was a latch key kid. I was a latch key kid. She talked about how she felt...scared, abandoned, ashamed (wait ashamed?) left out, less than (her mom working was more important than her daughter's safety). I suddenly felt very sad. I understood the ashamed. When my mom left me alone at night to go to her boyfriend and my friend's house I would feel ashamed...I must have did something to make my mom want to spend time with him and C and not me...why did she want to see C and him over me? So sad. Then out of nowhere the girl that thinks she recognizes me and I recognize her spoke up. She said when she was a child her mom was shot in the face! I completely shut down at that point...one after another and it was like this is YOUR life only sex reversal! My dad was shot in the face. Her mom lived.... I thought I was okay.
I left class, got in the car, drove to the stop light away from the building and cried and cried, like vocal crying. I always say of my childhood my mom did the best she could with what she had. Hubby once chimed in with but her best wasn't good enough...I resented him for saying that. Looking at the whole thing he's right. It wasn't good enough. It's hard to say with her gone...I don't like to think that way, but I need to I need to figure me out and that means looking at what happened and how I felt about how my mom was with me. She was a different person after she got sick and when she died and I loved that new person. Before that was the mom I had and that...that wasn't good enough...I needed more.
When I got home I found out that hubby RSVP'd for a birthday that I purposely did not answer. I knew it was the same night as my brother in law's birthday and sis is horrible about last minute planning. Earlier in the week Bro in lawhad said he was celebrating his birthday with sis in August I was going to RSVP to our friends birthday but remembered you were in town so I waited to see if you wanted to do anything. Finding out hubby RSVP'd caused a bit of anxiety. I had to call sos who earlier in the day asked me to have dinner for bro in law's birthday. I knew I was hanging with you Saturday night so I said it would just be hubby, me and youngest son and I'm not eating. When I called later last night after class to say hubby made other plans that I was not aware of when I spoke to her earlier and that I was very sorry she gave a loud sigh and said its okay. I said I hope it wasn't too much of an inconvenience...she said I just have a lot of food and I've been cooking all day. I hung up feeling awful and then thought how much food would she have extra for just 2 less months? She was making carnitas. I still feel bad because that's what I do.
What a class. The counselor shared and someone in class shared. We were discussing "Steps to Handle Feelings". The steps were easy enough, but then we got to the point where we identified exaggerated feelings and we need to inventory that and see if it wasn't from a past experience. The counselor shared that she has anxiety of being alone and abandoned. My ears perked up (perhaps this is why she recommended counseling for me...she could relate) She said that at the age of 6 she was a latch key kid. I was a latch key kid. She talked about how she felt...scared, abandoned, ashamed (wait ashamed?) left out, less than (her mom working was more important than her daughter's safety). I suddenly felt very sad. I understood the ashamed. When my mom left me alone at night to go to her boyfriend and my friend's house I would feel ashamed...I must have did something to make my mom want to spend time with him and C and not me...why did she want to see C and him over me? So sad. Then out of nowhere the girl that thinks she recognizes me and I recognize her spoke up. She said when she was a child her mom was shot in the face! I completely shut down at that point...one after another and it was like this is YOUR life only sex reversal! My dad was shot in the face. Her mom lived.... I thought I was okay.
I left class, got in the car, drove to the stop light away from the building and cried and cried, like vocal crying. I always say of my childhood my mom did the best she could with what she had. Hubby once chimed in with but her best wasn't good enough...I resented him for saying that. Looking at the whole thing he's right. It wasn't good enough. It's hard to say with her gone...I don't like to think that way, but I need to I need to figure me out and that means looking at what happened and how I felt about how my mom was with me. She was a different person after she got sick and when she died and I loved that new person. Before that was the mom I had and that...that wasn't good enough...I needed more.
When I got home I found out that hubby RSVP'd for a birthday that I purposely did not answer. I knew it was the same night as my brother in law's birthday and sis is horrible about last minute planning. Earlier in the week Bro in lawhad said he was celebrating his birthday with sis in August I was going to RSVP to our friends birthday but remembered you were in town so I waited to see if you wanted to do anything. Finding out hubby RSVP'd caused a bit of anxiety. I had to call sos who earlier in the day asked me to have dinner for bro in law's birthday. I knew I was hanging with you Saturday night so I said it would just be hubby, me and youngest son and I'm not eating. When I called later last night after class to say hubby made other plans that I was not aware of when I spoke to her earlier and that I was very sorry she gave a loud sigh and said its okay. I said I hope it wasn't too much of an inconvenience...she said I just have a lot of food and I've been cooking all day. I hung up feeling awful and then thought how much food would she have extra for just 2 less months? She was making carnitas. I still feel bad because that's what I do.
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