I don't weigh myself every day. I weigh myself on Monday evening (not morning). When I would go to the doctor and get on the scale I was always discouraged at my weight. My morning weight was SUBSTANTIALLY less. I'm talking like over a five pound difference. So I decided I would weigh at night so I could be realistic. Clothes on and after the weekend. This has held me accountable over the weekends. I'm not too worried about it. Things are good in the department.
Pregnant daughter keeps sending us text messages asking who our florist was, how much was our photographer...where was that place in Balboa Park called that you liked before you picked the Sheraton. We answer, but deep in my heart I am scared for us. We are not going to be giving her much money for this wedding. Realistically it can't happen. You don't give someone 4 months to come up with a huge wedding...and to top that most dads aren't still paying child support and pay for a wedding. Lastly it would be irresponsible for us to throw a lavish wedding for her when we know she is going to need more support for that baby. My fear is that when we explain that we are only contributing so much she is going to try to guilt us by saying her mom and his mom are paying and that's not fair! Then she'll stop talking to us when the guilt doesn't work...or the guilt will work and at that point I will throw my hands up. Either way it's on my mind a lot. My anxiety levels are at an all time high. I actually think I had a mini panic attack last week. I was thinking about it all... Oldest daughter and her crap, Youngest daughter and her drama, step son's mom and her "I'm going to Japan oh wait I'm moving next door (pretty much)", oldest son living with ex and youngest son refusing to leave his room and being allergic to Mondays. It all was so heavy on my shoulders that my heart started to pound so hard I thought it would leave my chest. Just writing it all down right now my heart is beating uncomfortably hard.
Youngest daughter came this weekend. She had the "feel sorry for me" attitude. Lots of mom is focusing on oldest daughter ...I don't exist. I don't have dinner unless I cook it myself. Living with mom is horrible. At one point hubby said you have choices. You could live with us. My heart raced. She of course changed the subject. She doesn't want to leave her school. She does however want to move in when she graduates. Hubby said that was okay, but that she had to be a full time student or work full time and pay rent. Either way under our roof we claim her on our taxes. She was fine with that. Hubby told me and I'm fine with it too, but it made me a little sad.
Hubby and I had a plan when the kids all graduate high school. We would move to Clairemont either build up my moms house or move to a place called Fox Bluffs. They are close to my work. I've always liked them. I showed them to Hubby and we agreed that when we did not need 4 rooms we would move there. Something tells me we will always need four rooms. I'm never moving back to Clairemont. Oh well...I guess it wasn't meant to be.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Friday, March 1, 2013
Food and Life
Life has been nothing but a big stress ball! I suppose it could be worse and I am constantly looking for the bright side.
My kid drives a freakin motorcycle (bad thing). Broke up with his girlfriend (which was a good thing) and started seeing a girl who had a boyfriend (bad thing)...now they are just friends (all of them) (good thing). He just decided to rent a two-bed apartment in PB with my ex(not sure what to make of this good/bad). step daughter is due in April (bad), Is getting married in June (bad) Thinks we are going to pay for a huge wedding that she describes as small (bad) She just got her learner's permit (good?)...she and youngest daughter got them at the same time. They did not ask for help from Hubby. Now because Hubby had nothing to do with it they are (successfully) guilting him into things like driving our mini!(bad) Asking for money to pay for driver training (indifferent). The sad thing is they really don't come over unless they want something. It's a horrible thing to say...but as far as I can see it...it's true.
Where do I fit into that? I don't. I don't want to be the evil step mom that can't say a nice thing about her step daughters. The more I am exposed to them...the more I get angry how they treat their dad. I could bottle it up, but then it's death by a million paper cuts all over again. I try to limit my exposure but then it looks like I'm avoiding them and in doing so I'm avoiding hubby too.
I'm on low carb this month. It's not horrible...but I could really use a piece of bread! When food is this restricted (low carb) I can really see how I emotionally eat. I often find myself going to the pantry (there is absolutely nothing in there for me) to snack on just something. When I realize there is nothing I can eat in there I stop and do a little self inventory...I'm almost never hungry...I'm just stressed. I sure do like to eat my pain away.
Life is changing everywhere I look. Oldest son is living with ex. Youngest son is in his room (it's that time... puberty sucks), the girls are growing up and away like a kite connected to hubby's wallet and step son may be coming back to California...the only down side to that is his cray cray mama is coming too. She usually keeps to herself though. My relationship with my sister is nearly non existent. I'm running on...literally.
My only fear is that I will replace food with activity...most nutritionist and health pros would say that's not a bad trade, but as they say..."all things in moderation".
My kid drives a freakin motorcycle (bad thing). Broke up with his girlfriend (which was a good thing) and started seeing a girl who had a boyfriend (bad thing)...now they are just friends (all of them) (good thing). He just decided to rent a two-bed apartment in PB with my ex(not sure what to make of this good/bad). step daughter is due in April (bad), Is getting married in June (bad) Thinks we are going to pay for a huge wedding that she describes as small (bad) She just got her learner's permit (good?)...she and youngest daughter got them at the same time. They did not ask for help from Hubby. Now because Hubby had nothing to do with it they are (successfully) guilting him into things like driving our mini!(bad) Asking for money to pay for driver training (indifferent). The sad thing is they really don't come over unless they want something. It's a horrible thing to say...but as far as I can see it...it's true.
Where do I fit into that? I don't. I don't want to be the evil step mom that can't say a nice thing about her step daughters. The more I am exposed to them...the more I get angry how they treat their dad. I could bottle it up, but then it's death by a million paper cuts all over again. I try to limit my exposure but then it looks like I'm avoiding them and in doing so I'm avoiding hubby too.
I'm on low carb this month. It's not horrible...but I could really use a piece of bread! When food is this restricted (low carb) I can really see how I emotionally eat. I often find myself going to the pantry (there is absolutely nothing in there for me) to snack on just something. When I realize there is nothing I can eat in there I stop and do a little self inventory...I'm almost never hungry...I'm just stressed. I sure do like to eat my pain away.
Life is changing everywhere I look. Oldest son is living with ex. Youngest son is in his room (it's that time... puberty sucks), the girls are growing up and away like a kite connected to hubby's wallet and step son may be coming back to California...the only down side to that is his cray cray mama is coming too. She usually keeps to herself though. My relationship with my sister is nearly non existent. I'm running on...literally.
My only fear is that I will replace food with activity...most nutritionist and health pros would say that's not a bad trade, but as they say..."all things in moderation".
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