So I have an app. It's called a period tracker. It tells me when my period is about to start and I record how heavy it is, moods, symptoms, spotting...the works. Yesterday as I was walking to my car my phone alerted me in a text message that "Aunt Flow is coming" I out loud replied YA, Whatever! A lady turned around and looked at me. The same app has on the front page : your period is 25 days late! "Have you had a pregnancy test?" I'm about to delete this app. Who needs that!?
I'm at peace right now, but there are too many variables as to why...It could be:
1. I've started Weight Watchers (my program said that pretty much what I am eating is very "weight watcheresq" so I thought what the hell I'll try it again but this time instead of going alone with the online I'll go to the meetings...I like the food tracking app and I actually went to a meeting...its next to my pub! As I walked in I thought what kind of sick cruel joke is this shit!?! God hates me! As I left I ran into some friends from the pub (of course) They said "You go here?!" I said I just started! They said "You look great! We go on Wednesday nights here...you should come! A bunch of us from the pub go and then use our free points to have a Guinness after!" I need to make sure I have some free points! God does loves me!
2. I Bought an audio book. Its the cheesiest most outdated thing EVER, but I swear it works!!! I don't know why I'm attracted to 70's-80's exercise weight loss stuff but I am. So this audio book is called Slim Forever for Women: Subliminal Self Help by Audio Activation Side A (that tells you right there that this thing came originally from a cassette or worse a record!) Side A is hypnosis. You go into a deep meditative state (they recommend you do this before bed and never whilst driving). Side B is the subliminal part. I play the whole thing every night when we go to bed and I play the subliminal part while putting make up on and driving. We (because John has to listen to it too since he shares the bed with me) wake each morning rested and energized regardless of how late we went to bed and what drunken state he went to sleep as! That alone makes it worth it, but I have a calm toward food and eating that I wasn't experiencing last week. I like!
3. I'm listening to my voices in my head and either I'm crazy or I have designated a ring leader! So there are 3 voices in my head. The cranky spoiled child, the overbearing parent and the mediator (who I may have designated the ring leader). The cranky kid sees food (chocolate, hot cheetos) and says I want that and I've waited long enough for it. I won't be happy with a taste I want the whole thing and even then I may want to go get MORE! I won't wait for it I want it now! Overbearing Parent says No period. No chocolate, no hot cheetos, not now, not in a few days not if I work out, not if I lose 10 pounds and am under goal. That's fine keep it that way no goodies...SUFFA POPE! Mediator says you can have 1 serving if you have the calories left at the end of the day or you plan to work out for it. What ends up happening is the cranky child talks the mediator into more than 1 serving the overbearing parent checks out completely and the kid goes nuts. The mediator throws hands up and sits frustrated watching the mess unfold. Lately the mediator is so fed up with the cross talk between the parent and the child that it just wants meds...which leads me to #4.
4. I have an appointment with a counselor who I have already requested refer me to a psychiatrist. I was on Prozac before. I think I need it or it's equivalent again. There is a thing with me and I'm not sure if its the chicken or the egg but I have some unresolved junk. With my weight up I focus on how fat I am and I'm "protected" by that fat" So then I'm okay (I'm distracted by my body image and I don't think about the thing my brain won't let me think about)...anything under 160 pounds triggers some kind of anxiety in me, because I can't focus on the body image anymore and my mind goes to that thing that my brain won't let me think about. I have no idea what that thing is because my brain has never let me think about it. There are a plethora of things it could be I didn't have the most healthy child hood. That is when I think 2 things need to happen. 1. I need to talk to a therapist or perhaps get hypnotized and see what the underlying issue is either way there is an issue and my brain doesn't want me to deal with it...EVER. 2. I need to get on anti-anxiety meds. The anxiety runs me. I can't think about anything...I can't focus and I can't control myself (shopping, eating, talking...shit if I lived near a casino or smoked we would have to put that in for sure too!) The last time I was on prozac it allowed me to actually talk about my eating disorder. We never delved into what happened before then. I was certain it was my unhappy marriage, but looking back it was more. Now I have an amazing relationship with an amazing husband...I'm happy...I honestly don't think I can be more happy even on days that we don't get along...I'm still happy with what a great relationship we have...so why is the eating stuff coming up again? What is it?
I think just knowing I have the appointment (Happy Mediator), knowing I have a plan that is not too restricting (Happy Cranky Child), and I'm meditating and subliminally calming myself (Unbeknownst to Overbearing Parent) I have found some kind of peace...for now.
2 comments:
Wow. That was a lot!
I have a pal on Weight Watchers. She likes the phone app too, but needs the face to face.
The period tracker? Who needs an app that asks if your pregnant? And out loud?
The audio book sounds interesting. I wonder what it might do for me. I have no problems falling asleep but I have a hard time staying asleep because my thoughts are too loud.
Voices are good as long as its not the devil! You're just planning and thinking out loud.
What's it like to be on Prozac and be anxiety free? Also, how do you know when the anxiety is regular or over the top?
The app doesn't ask you out loud...I just answered it out loud.
Being on Prozac does not make you anxiety free. It helps you manage your anxiety. The best way it was described to me was by my psychiatrist. He pointed to a picture on the wall of a ram running full throttle to the edge of a cliff. He said it stops you right about here and pointed to a foot before the cliff. Basically it removed the impulsive thinking that accompanied the anxiety.
I had anxiety about gaining weight and it went something like...OH great I gained 5 pounds...well I did eat that whole cake 2 nights ago what the hell did I expect?! Lesson learned move on. Without prozac it was a bit more crazy... it went something like this...Oh great there's a whole cake! I'll just have a bite. NO! Wait! Last time I did that I ate the whole thing! OH MY GOD! I am a fucking adult I can have a bite of fucking cake! This is so good...okay I'll just cut the piece off that I bit. Nom nom nom...That was a big piece...if the fam bam sees I ate that big of a piece I'll never hear the end of it. I'll cut it so it looks like someone from work had a piece too! nom nom nom. Perhaps I should just say it was half a cake all along. Wait i need to stop this! Okay I got it. I'll eat the half a cake drink a ton of water and puke it up after. Well if I'm gonna puke it up it would be easier if I was sick already from eating the whole thing. First let me go buy another cake so no one knows what I did. Day 2 exercise till I puke...Day 3 Oh great I gained 5 pounds! Never Again! I will not do this again...Oh great there's half a cake left...well one bite won't hurt! Rinse and repeat! That is over the top.
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