So tonight will be my second weigh in. I wonder how many new comers to weight watchers show up for their first weigh in after joining and have gained?! I bet not many. Usually you are gung ho on a diet for at least a week! The gain starts when you start not to see the results in as fast a manner as you wanted. I'm the expert here.
Of course I doubt many new comers to WW go to Julian for the day and have hard cider, wine tasting and mom's pies! NO?! In fact I am willing to bet that most don't get anywhere NEAR Julian. Opportunity was there but my optifast counselor's voice was there too saying "just because you bought the rope doesn't mean you have to hang yourself with it." But I took that rope and made a nice secure knot! I'm over it though. I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I did it and now I need to get back on the bike and move on...or stay still in my case with my bike.
I am trying something new with my "mindful eating". 1. Take a bite, put the fork down, put my hand on my lap and chew until it's goo. WAIT! Count 1 one thousand 2 one thousand 3 one thousand...sip water. Pick up fork. I don't pick up the fork until all the food is out of my mouth. I'm leaving one bite of everything. I have this hard fast rule that I have to finish my plate (thanks Dad! Ya I know about the starving kids!) I'm starting with a bite of each item, but my hope is to move on to leave more bites of the high calorie goodness behind if I am full of the low calorie stuff. Being mindful to get enough protein in. :o)
So hopes aren't high for tonight, but I'm going which is big! I could easily talk my way out of getting weighed today!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
So tonight is my "weigh in"
I'm not giving it much "weight" because I was just weighed on Sunday and your weight fluctuates with water and muscle building yada yada yada. So if there is a loss...cool. If its the same...okay. If there's a gain...good to know I need to get on the bike more!
I was thinking of my mom today. I think of her everyday, but today there was something specific that got into my head and I have to say it was brilliant! So my mom had trouble cleaning as she went. The house was messy, dusty, not swept nor mopped. Every once in a while I would go over and just giver her house an enema. To be honest it truly needed it! It was just dirty. It was such an ordeal that on such occasions we would find ourselves in major projects...we'd rip out the carpet and put tile. Paint the walls because the opportunity to clean them had come and gone! Reface the cabinets in the kitchen because painting them with that much grease piled just wasn't an option and there just isn't enough TSP for that. When my mom passed I was cleaning out her closets and cupboards and I managed to put together two big plastic totes of cleaning solutions and chemicals from the store, the fair, as seen on TV and probably a door to door salesman or two. Mom had it ALL. A steam mop, a broom made of rubber that was "a magnet to pet hair", swiffer broom, mop and duster and duster extension for those spots you just can't reach. Most of this stuff was brand new never been used still in the package. I said to my sister "I think mom got this stuff thinking that it would magically come out of the closet at night and make the house clean." My thought...she had good intentions. She bought the stuff and subscribed to the concept she would clean her house...the only part missing was her doing it. Just cause you buy the stuff doesn't make it so...there is a key component in there. We have students at my college. They pay for their classes, buy all the books and school supplies. Then they barely come to class and they don't do their homework. They get put on academic probation. They again pay for the classes, buy the books, the school supplies...even pay a tutor this time, the intent is there, or is it? They again don't do the homework and rarely come to class. They get barred from enrolling for a year. One year later, money in hand they pay for their classes. It is as if they come to the college, pay for the class and books they think they will magically learn and earn a degree. The only thing missing...them doing it.
For me it's diets. I've done curves, weight watchers (2), optifast (2), medifast, the zone, GI diet, carb-lovers, atkins, cambridge, herbalife and probably many more. My mom actually sold herbalife! She never lost an ounce on it but I think that is because she was like me. If I buy the diet, subscribe to the thinking it will magically be so. I will sit over here eating my loaf of bread watching the fat just fall from my body...but wait! Why am I not losing weight...why am I gaining weight? Why can't I maintain the weight? Today I realized I depend too much on "the product" Optifast forced that product...there is no passive way to do Optifast! There is a passive way to "maintain" it and if you are passive you surely will not maintain. The product you are left with after Optifast is you...period. There is no other thing...no other diet. I am in control of whether I weigh 150, 160, 170 or more pounds. Weight Watchers doesn't do that and it doesn't work. I work. How I can use those other diets are as tools...like cleaning supplies. Which one will work best for the job? If none...I'll have to go it alone with good old elbow grease. Weight Watchers is the closest thing to normal there is. Balanced, normal food not at bunch of carbs, not no carbs, not weird calculations of sugar levels and how fast your body burns it, not four green bananas a day, not powder shakes for lunch and breakfast and are you kidding me who can have a sensible dinner after starving myself all day!? Not building a design on my plate with measured food types only a physicist would understand. What you do on Weight Watchers you decide. I have lately chosen to eat lots of vegetables to the point I was taking pills to avoid gas! Um, nib, why not just not eat so many vegetables you big nut! Because I think I'm starving and vegetables in this "product" don't count...I can eat as many I want (not a good thing to tell a food addict ever). I think I need MORE. If I want to work out so I can eat more I will, but it would be dumb to work myself so much it hurts just so I can eat until...it hurts.
On Weight Watchers I can chose to do that, its not encouraged and it would not be wise. I'm getting it. It's taking a while, but I'm getting it. What I'm learning is that all food should be treated in moderation, some foods more than ever. For me there should never be a "forbidden food" I will rebel against myself to have it. I should remember moderation though and in my case avoid some foods for only special occasions. Kinda like funnel cake at the fair...when the fair leaves the funnel cake goes with it and I can have it again next year...Unless I find myself across from the log ride at Knotts Berry Farm!
I was thinking of my mom today. I think of her everyday, but today there was something specific that got into my head and I have to say it was brilliant! So my mom had trouble cleaning as she went. The house was messy, dusty, not swept nor mopped. Every once in a while I would go over and just giver her house an enema. To be honest it truly needed it! It was just dirty. It was such an ordeal that on such occasions we would find ourselves in major projects...we'd rip out the carpet and put tile. Paint the walls because the opportunity to clean them had come and gone! Reface the cabinets in the kitchen because painting them with that much grease piled just wasn't an option and there just isn't enough TSP for that. When my mom passed I was cleaning out her closets and cupboards and I managed to put together two big plastic totes of cleaning solutions and chemicals from the store, the fair, as seen on TV and probably a door to door salesman or two. Mom had it ALL. A steam mop, a broom made of rubber that was "a magnet to pet hair", swiffer broom, mop and duster and duster extension for those spots you just can't reach. Most of this stuff was brand new never been used still in the package. I said to my sister "I think mom got this stuff thinking that it would magically come out of the closet at night and make the house clean." My thought...she had good intentions. She bought the stuff and subscribed to the concept she would clean her house...the only part missing was her doing it. Just cause you buy the stuff doesn't make it so...there is a key component in there. We have students at my college. They pay for their classes, buy all the books and school supplies. Then they barely come to class and they don't do their homework. They get put on academic probation. They again pay for the classes, buy the books, the school supplies...even pay a tutor this time, the intent is there, or is it? They again don't do the homework and rarely come to class. They get barred from enrolling for a year. One year later, money in hand they pay for their classes. It is as if they come to the college, pay for the class and books they think they will magically learn and earn a degree. The only thing missing...them doing it.
For me it's diets. I've done curves, weight watchers (2), optifast (2), medifast, the zone, GI diet, carb-lovers, atkins, cambridge, herbalife and probably many more. My mom actually sold herbalife! She never lost an ounce on it but I think that is because she was like me. If I buy the diet, subscribe to the thinking it will magically be so. I will sit over here eating my loaf of bread watching the fat just fall from my body...but wait! Why am I not losing weight...why am I gaining weight? Why can't I maintain the weight? Today I realized I depend too much on "the product" Optifast forced that product...there is no passive way to do Optifast! There is a passive way to "maintain" it and if you are passive you surely will not maintain. The product you are left with after Optifast is you...period. There is no other thing...no other diet. I am in control of whether I weigh 150, 160, 170 or more pounds. Weight Watchers doesn't do that and it doesn't work. I work. How I can use those other diets are as tools...like cleaning supplies. Which one will work best for the job? If none...I'll have to go it alone with good old elbow grease. Weight Watchers is the closest thing to normal there is. Balanced, normal food not at bunch of carbs, not no carbs, not weird calculations of sugar levels and how fast your body burns it, not four green bananas a day, not powder shakes for lunch and breakfast and are you kidding me who can have a sensible dinner after starving myself all day!? Not building a design on my plate with measured food types only a physicist would understand. What you do on Weight Watchers you decide. I have lately chosen to eat lots of vegetables to the point I was taking pills to avoid gas! Um, nib, why not just not eat so many vegetables you big nut! Because I think I'm starving and vegetables in this "product" don't count...I can eat as many I want (not a good thing to tell a food addict ever). I think I need MORE. If I want to work out so I can eat more I will, but it would be dumb to work myself so much it hurts just so I can eat until...it hurts.
On Weight Watchers I can chose to do that, its not encouraged and it would not be wise. I'm getting it. It's taking a while, but I'm getting it. What I'm learning is that all food should be treated in moderation, some foods more than ever. For me there should never be a "forbidden food" I will rebel against myself to have it. I should remember moderation though and in my case avoid some foods for only special occasions. Kinda like funnel cake at the fair...when the fair leaves the funnel cake goes with it and I can have it again next year...Unless I find myself across from the log ride at Knotts Berry Farm!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Gas X works...just saying!
So weight watchers basically has a point system for every food item. Fruits and veg are 0. Happy dance! I eats lots of fruits and veg. Yesterday I'm not sure which veg or fruit was the culprit...perhaps a mixture of all, but by the end of the day I had a bad belly ache and GAS! Gas so bad (to quote my mom) it could gag a maggot!
Today before my salad I decided to have a gas x during lunch. Better! No gas so far. I like.
So last night I went to my "muscle up" class at my gym. I want to get guns now that you can actually see my arm muscles without all the fat! I also rode my stationary bike yesterday 10 miles and 11 miles last night. I'm making friends with the bike. We have a date tonight after dinner. My farmville is suffering, but oh well. Priorities. Because I am building weight watcher activity points it equals more food. Food high in points that I normally would not be able to eat. We are planning to go to Julian this weekend and I want PIE! And Julian Hard Cider! This whole concept has kept the cranky child happy, the mediator happy and the overbearing parent gets hypnotized every night! :o)
Things are good. I'm calm. The scale is not really moving. Naked I weighed a pound less today at 158.4. At weight watchers they said I was 165.4. She whispered it to me. I kind of smirked thinking Lady I was 216 pounds...we can yell that number from a roof top and I'm good!
Today before my salad I decided to have a gas x during lunch. Better! No gas so far. I like.
So last night I went to my "muscle up" class at my gym. I want to get guns now that you can actually see my arm muscles without all the fat! I also rode my stationary bike yesterday 10 miles and 11 miles last night. I'm making friends with the bike. We have a date tonight after dinner. My farmville is suffering, but oh well. Priorities. Because I am building weight watcher activity points it equals more food. Food high in points that I normally would not be able to eat. We are planning to go to Julian this weekend and I want PIE! And Julian Hard Cider! This whole concept has kept the cranky child happy, the mediator happy and the overbearing parent gets hypnotized every night! :o)
Things are good. I'm calm. The scale is not really moving. Naked I weighed a pound less today at 158.4. At weight watchers they said I was 165.4. She whispered it to me. I kind of smirked thinking Lady I was 216 pounds...we can yell that number from a roof top and I'm good!
Monday, December 12, 2011
Aunt Flow is coming...How ironic
So I have an app. It's called a period tracker. It tells me when my period is about to start and I record how heavy it is, moods, symptoms, spotting...the works. Yesterday as I was walking to my car my phone alerted me in a text message that "Aunt Flow is coming" I out loud replied YA, Whatever! A lady turned around and looked at me. The same app has on the front page : your period is 25 days late! "Have you had a pregnancy test?" I'm about to delete this app. Who needs that!?
I'm at peace right now, but there are too many variables as to why...It could be:
1. I've started Weight Watchers (my program said that pretty much what I am eating is very "weight watcheresq" so I thought what the hell I'll try it again but this time instead of going alone with the online I'll go to the meetings...I like the food tracking app and I actually went to a meeting...its next to my pub! As I walked in I thought what kind of sick cruel joke is this shit!?! God hates me! As I left I ran into some friends from the pub (of course) They said "You go here?!" I said I just started! They said "You look great! We go on Wednesday nights here...you should come! A bunch of us from the pub go and then use our free points to have a Guinness after!" I need to make sure I have some free points! God does loves me!
2. I Bought an audio book. Its the cheesiest most outdated thing EVER, but I swear it works!!! I don't know why I'm attracted to 70's-80's exercise weight loss stuff but I am. So this audio book is called Slim Forever for Women: Subliminal Self Help by Audio Activation Side A (that tells you right there that this thing came originally from a cassette or worse a record!) Side A is hypnosis. You go into a deep meditative state (they recommend you do this before bed and never whilst driving). Side B is the subliminal part. I play the whole thing every night when we go to bed and I play the subliminal part while putting make up on and driving. We (because John has to listen to it too since he shares the bed with me) wake each morning rested and energized regardless of how late we went to bed and what drunken state he went to sleep as! That alone makes it worth it, but I have a calm toward food and eating that I wasn't experiencing last week. I like!
3. I'm listening to my voices in my head and either I'm crazy or I have designated a ring leader! So there are 3 voices in my head. The cranky spoiled child, the overbearing parent and the mediator (who I may have designated the ring leader). The cranky kid sees food (chocolate, hot cheetos) and says I want that and I've waited long enough for it. I won't be happy with a taste I want the whole thing and even then I may want to go get MORE! I won't wait for it I want it now! Overbearing Parent says No period. No chocolate, no hot cheetos, not now, not in a few days not if I work out, not if I lose 10 pounds and am under goal. That's fine keep it that way no goodies...SUFFA POPE! Mediator says you can have 1 serving if you have the calories left at the end of the day or you plan to work out for it. What ends up happening is the cranky child talks the mediator into more than 1 serving the overbearing parent checks out completely and the kid goes nuts. The mediator throws hands up and sits frustrated watching the mess unfold. Lately the mediator is so fed up with the cross talk between the parent and the child that it just wants meds...which leads me to #4.
4. I have an appointment with a counselor who I have already requested refer me to a psychiatrist. I was on Prozac before. I think I need it or it's equivalent again. There is a thing with me and I'm not sure if its the chicken or the egg but I have some unresolved junk. With my weight up I focus on how fat I am and I'm "protected" by that fat" So then I'm okay (I'm distracted by my body image and I don't think about the thing my brain won't let me think about)...anything under 160 pounds triggers some kind of anxiety in me, because I can't focus on the body image anymore and my mind goes to that thing that my brain won't let me think about. I have no idea what that thing is because my brain has never let me think about it. There are a plethora of things it could be I didn't have the most healthy child hood. That is when I think 2 things need to happen. 1. I need to talk to a therapist or perhaps get hypnotized and see what the underlying issue is either way there is an issue and my brain doesn't want me to deal with it...EVER. 2. I need to get on anti-anxiety meds. The anxiety runs me. I can't think about anything...I can't focus and I can't control myself (shopping, eating, talking...shit if I lived near a casino or smoked we would have to put that in for sure too!) The last time I was on prozac it allowed me to actually talk about my eating disorder. We never delved into what happened before then. I was certain it was my unhappy marriage, but looking back it was more. Now I have an amazing relationship with an amazing husband...I'm happy...I honestly don't think I can be more happy even on days that we don't get along...I'm still happy with what a great relationship we have...so why is the eating stuff coming up again? What is it?
I think just knowing I have the appointment (Happy Mediator), knowing I have a plan that is not too restricting (Happy Cranky Child), and I'm meditating and subliminally calming myself (Unbeknownst to Overbearing Parent) I have found some kind of peace...for now.
I'm at peace right now, but there are too many variables as to why...It could be:
1. I've started Weight Watchers (my program said that pretty much what I am eating is very "weight watcheresq" so I thought what the hell I'll try it again but this time instead of going alone with the online I'll go to the meetings...I like the food tracking app and I actually went to a meeting...its next to my pub! As I walked in I thought what kind of sick cruel joke is this shit!?! God hates me! As I left I ran into some friends from the pub (of course) They said "You go here?!" I said I just started! They said "You look great! We go on Wednesday nights here...you should come! A bunch of us from the pub go and then use our free points to have a Guinness after!" I need to make sure I have some free points! God does loves me!
2. I Bought an audio book. Its the cheesiest most outdated thing EVER, but I swear it works!!! I don't know why I'm attracted to 70's-80's exercise weight loss stuff but I am. So this audio book is called Slim Forever for Women: Subliminal Self Help by Audio Activation Side A (that tells you right there that this thing came originally from a cassette or worse a record!) Side A is hypnosis. You go into a deep meditative state (they recommend you do this before bed and never whilst driving). Side B is the subliminal part. I play the whole thing every night when we go to bed and I play the subliminal part while putting make up on and driving. We (because John has to listen to it too since he shares the bed with me) wake each morning rested and energized regardless of how late we went to bed and what drunken state he went to sleep as! That alone makes it worth it, but I have a calm toward food and eating that I wasn't experiencing last week. I like!
3. I'm listening to my voices in my head and either I'm crazy or I have designated a ring leader! So there are 3 voices in my head. The cranky spoiled child, the overbearing parent and the mediator (who I may have designated the ring leader). The cranky kid sees food (chocolate, hot cheetos) and says I want that and I've waited long enough for it. I won't be happy with a taste I want the whole thing and even then I may want to go get MORE! I won't wait for it I want it now! Overbearing Parent says No period. No chocolate, no hot cheetos, not now, not in a few days not if I work out, not if I lose 10 pounds and am under goal. That's fine keep it that way no goodies...SUFFA POPE! Mediator says you can have 1 serving if you have the calories left at the end of the day or you plan to work out for it. What ends up happening is the cranky child talks the mediator into more than 1 serving the overbearing parent checks out completely and the kid goes nuts. The mediator throws hands up and sits frustrated watching the mess unfold. Lately the mediator is so fed up with the cross talk between the parent and the child that it just wants meds...which leads me to #4.
4. I have an appointment with a counselor who I have already requested refer me to a psychiatrist. I was on Prozac before. I think I need it or it's equivalent again. There is a thing with me and I'm not sure if its the chicken or the egg but I have some unresolved junk. With my weight up I focus on how fat I am and I'm "protected" by that fat" So then I'm okay (I'm distracted by my body image and I don't think about the thing my brain won't let me think about)...anything under 160 pounds triggers some kind of anxiety in me, because I can't focus on the body image anymore and my mind goes to that thing that my brain won't let me think about. I have no idea what that thing is because my brain has never let me think about it. There are a plethora of things it could be I didn't have the most healthy child hood. That is when I think 2 things need to happen. 1. I need to talk to a therapist or perhaps get hypnotized and see what the underlying issue is either way there is an issue and my brain doesn't want me to deal with it...EVER. 2. I need to get on anti-anxiety meds. The anxiety runs me. I can't think about anything...I can't focus and I can't control myself (shopping, eating, talking...shit if I lived near a casino or smoked we would have to put that in for sure too!) The last time I was on prozac it allowed me to actually talk about my eating disorder. We never delved into what happened before then. I was certain it was my unhappy marriage, but looking back it was more. Now I have an amazing relationship with an amazing husband...I'm happy...I honestly don't think I can be more happy even on days that we don't get along...I'm still happy with what a great relationship we have...so why is the eating stuff coming up again? What is it?
I think just knowing I have the appointment (Happy Mediator), knowing I have a plan that is not too restricting (Happy Cranky Child), and I'm meditating and subliminally calming myself (Unbeknownst to Overbearing Parent) I have found some kind of peace...for now.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Anxiety bites!
So I was a ball of nerves yesterday. I've been snacking and binging since before Thanksgiving. It seemed as though not only could I not get back on the wagon but I had built my own new wagon and I was now refusing to sit on it!!! Then I worked out on Monday, binged on Tuesday, worked out Wednesday and wanted to binge on Thursday. The only thing stopping me was the knowledge I was going to weigh in and oh what a mess that would be. Why was I binging?! It snapped actually this morning. I truly think I'm hungry! I work out and I'm fatigued and sore...I'm misplacing that feeling for hunger! I'm not hungry. I still have the ED (code for eating disorder) there is hunger that you feed within reason and there is binge eating. I do the latter. I eat so fast my nose runs and I do it when I'm alone, and it's a lot of food that I can't control myself with. That's a binge.
I was so freaked about the weigh in that I wanted to just numb myself with something sweet or salty or cakey or whatever! I nearly threw up as I was walking into the clinic. I ate within my caloric restrictions and I didn't go off plan yesterday but I had to meditate and self talk all day!! ALL DAY! I got on the scale and I had gained 8 pounds. Relief! I was only 5 pounds from my goal of 160 on their scale. I was certain I had gained 15 pounds! I went in to talk to the PA. "I haven't had a period, its 2 weeks late! I'm binging. I gained weight!" Here is how the convo went:
PA: That's odd. You are eating now. Your period stopped when you began to eat?! It seems it would have stopped during the fast. Are you sure you are not pregnant? Why don't I schedule you a pregnancy test?
Me: I am not pregnant. I KNOW I am not pregnant and I'm overeating in an effort to get back to some kind of normalcy!
PA: Well that won't work. Your body is on a cycle and your cycle came and went. It was supposed to be here 14 days ago, opportunity missed. Santa Flow won't visit for another 14 days and may or may not stop by regardless of how many cookies you have...so stop eating the cookies!
Me: I didn't know that! I thought my period stopped because I lost weight...if I gain weight it will start.
PA: No its not that simple, but it is simple as a cycle is a cycle. If I put you on birth control tonight to induce a period. 1. I'd introduce a bunch of chemicals into your body you may not need (you could start your menses next month) 2. Birth control is a hormone and it usually causes weight gain, which would be counter productive for you. 3. Lastly, you would take your pills for 21 days then stop and a period would come, throwing your natural cycle off by 14 more days!
Me: I get it!
So we decided to discuss it again in 2 weeks. I agreed to calm down. I swear I think I need prozac or some other anti anxiety drug!
I'm doing great today no cravings, no hunger. My muscles are sore and fatigued but I know that is not hunger. Hubby 's Christmas party is tomorrow. UG! I can do this... I CAN DO THIS!
I was so freaked about the weigh in that I wanted to just numb myself with something sweet or salty or cakey or whatever! I nearly threw up as I was walking into the clinic. I ate within my caloric restrictions and I didn't go off plan yesterday but I had to meditate and self talk all day!! ALL DAY! I got on the scale and I had gained 8 pounds. Relief! I was only 5 pounds from my goal of 160 on their scale. I was certain I had gained 15 pounds! I went in to talk to the PA. "I haven't had a period, its 2 weeks late! I'm binging. I gained weight!" Here is how the convo went:
PA: That's odd. You are eating now. Your period stopped when you began to eat?! It seems it would have stopped during the fast. Are you sure you are not pregnant? Why don't I schedule you a pregnancy test?
Me: I am not pregnant. I KNOW I am not pregnant and I'm overeating in an effort to get back to some kind of normalcy!
PA: Well that won't work. Your body is on a cycle and your cycle came and went. It was supposed to be here 14 days ago, opportunity missed. Santa Flow won't visit for another 14 days and may or may not stop by regardless of how many cookies you have...so stop eating the cookies!
Me: I didn't know that! I thought my period stopped because I lost weight...if I gain weight it will start.
PA: No its not that simple, but it is simple as a cycle is a cycle. If I put you on birth control tonight to induce a period. 1. I'd introduce a bunch of chemicals into your body you may not need (you could start your menses next month) 2. Birth control is a hormone and it usually causes weight gain, which would be counter productive for you. 3. Lastly, you would take your pills for 21 days then stop and a period would come, throwing your natural cycle off by 14 more days!
Me: I get it!
So we decided to discuss it again in 2 weeks. I agreed to calm down. I swear I think I need prozac or some other anti anxiety drug!
I'm doing great today no cravings, no hunger. My muscles are sore and fatigued but I know that is not hunger. Hubby 's Christmas party is tomorrow. UG! I can do this... I CAN DO THIS!
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